We had a great SFC who was our acting platoon leader. One day he stormed out of the supply room, aǹd I happened to be the first person he saw. He was screaming and yelling about a map table, a GP medium, cots, and a heater. Where were these items, and just who had checked them out in his name? We did some investigating and found out that an E-1 had gotten married and was living out in the woods with his beloved for about a month. The map table served as their dining room table, the cots were their furniture, and the tent was set up off some tank trail in the middle of Fort Stewart! You can't make stuff like that up! COL Mikel J. Burroughs LTC Stephen F. SFC Joe S. Davis Jr., MSM, DSL Maj Marty Hogan

I once had a CO who was afraid of heights, but had this policy that when a sailor re-enlists we do everything possible to accommodate them. So, a smart a@@ed E-5 decides he wants to get re-enlisted on the yardarm of the mast, with the CO giving the re-enlistment oath with him up there on the yardarm (because the CO didn't exactly keep his phobia quiet). I was in the CO's cabin when he got the request, and he just shook his head and let out an impressive litany of curses. Needless to say, he did it. I will never forget seeing him standing on the yardarm while we are underway, knees shaking like crazy and visible 50 feet below, and the sailor laughing like crazy. We get the CO down and he is whiter than a sheet. collapses on the deck. But, he did it, and that is why the entire crew loved him!

There have been so many. I include this simply because I have photographic proof.

My boss got his number for major along with an assignment to MAJCOM. His replacement was announced as a Captain Byrd.

Uh, oh… the gears between the ears started to whirl.

I happened to know a guy in town who raised turkeys. His top breeding male was too old to breed but was kept around because he was so mellow. I asked if I could borrow him for the morning. He agreed as long as I would take pictures. I loaded ole Tom in a big-ass box and drove him to base.

The chief of the orderly room called my boss and told him Captain Byrd was in the building and was on his way down to see him. Another co-conspirator and I “promoted” the turkey by pinning some captain’s bars on each wing. While one guy announced Captain Byrd’s arrival I shoved the turkey through the boss’s door.

After the initial WTFs, yelling, and laughter we had half the squadron come down to meet the new OMB missile maintenance chief.

A couple of things to note: 1) Tom Turkeys will peck the crap out of your hand and arms if you mess with them and 2) When nervous, those birds will “relieve” themselves without hesitation. Yep, I cleaned it up.

Disclaimer: No animals or commissioned officers were harmed during the execution of this practical joke.