Divorce = Failure?

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 16 Dec 2014 22:26:54 -0500

So here goes...deal with me, this is personal.

I'm at a crossroads in my personal life that's bleeding into my professional life.

I've been married to who I thought was my sweetheart for 7 years.

The first 3 years were typical; honeymoon phase, new baby phase, readjusting roles phase post baby...and then bam you're unit is selected for deployment. at this point I'm a 10 year Combat Engineer assigned as a Platoon Sergeant to a Route Clearance unit and we're forecasted to go to Afghanistan. Upon this assignment I also have been given the additional responsibility to be the Training NCO. Anyone that's done this, especially for a unit that has just stood up understands my role. Needless to say as a young SFC I took my responsibilities to the extreme and engulfed myself into my work. About halfway through the readiness processthe wife delivered our 2nd child. Things in my book were normal, I was traveling getting the unit ready, she was raising the kids at home. I was ecstatic to be a new dad again, but also still working my ass off at work. Time passed, things stayed the same; then I deployed. The deployment was typical, some emotional family struggles, kids missed me, I wanted to go home, but all in all, I thought all was well.

Fast forward to the month before my arrival home. My platoons mission in Afghanistan was complete. That's when my life started to crumble around me.

My wife told me she had been depressed, had been suppressing her depression and anxiety with alcohol, and was now an alcoholic.

I returned from theater expecting to tackle this 'problem' head on...and now a year later, 6 rehab stints for her later, me doing mommy and daddy role in near giving up on my relationship, moving forward with life as a single father (hoping I can get custody due to her issues), and building a new life for myself and kids.

My personal and professional questions are many, but for those of you who have been around the block, maybe married multiple times, I'm battling with the deamons that are the negative stigma of divorced senior NCO and how this will affect my children.

Although I don't necessarily live a Christian life, my values are deep rooted in Christian ideologies as I was raised Pentecostal.

My biggest deliema is do I choose personal happiness and sacrifice professional ability (ie able to go TDY routinely) or allow my life to continue in the path it's in and run chances my alcoholic wife hurts our children one day.

...

Response by SFC Mark Merino made Jan 29 at 2015 11:23 AM

SFC Mark Merino — Thu, 29 Jan 2015 11:23:18 -0500

Brother, you aren't alone. I spent 20 agonizing years in a bad marriage and would still be in it had she not filed and moved in her boyfriend. I had a rough time growing up in a divorced family and my thinking was that it is always better to be married for the sake of the kids aswell as impressions. Do everything to save the marriage and never quit trying. The caveat is that both parties have to feel that way. There is life after divorce. There is happiness meant to be in your life. If you are willing to life in a miserable situation with only one person putting in effort to change, you will not only find an uphill battle, but you will be limited by your options. Military marriages are hard enough WITH the service member being supported at home. You said you aren't religious so I will hold back with my other input to respect your position. I will say that I will pray for you. Thanks for having the courage to share this with us. V/R, Uncle Mark

Response by CW5 Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 29 at 2015 12:26 PM

CW5 Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 29 Jan 2015 12:26:53 -0500

I would say, SFC Private RallyPoint Member, you gotta look out for those kids. That's priority #1. The stigma of being a divorced senior NCO ... I haven't seen that. Divorce is common these days. The stigma might rear its head if you have to put off mission (TDYs, etc.) to tend to the kids, but you would have to have day care anyhow, and that would likely include some kind of longer-term care for the kids when you have to go TDY or deploy.

I'm not encouraging you to divorce, not by any means, but if that's the way it ends, you should be prepared to take care of your children to the best of your ability. And I recognize that it's easy for me to sit back and give you this "great" advice. Implementing something this likely entails a lot of work and added stress to your life, which will be on you.

Good luck!

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 29 at 2015 1:25 PM

MAJ Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 29 Jan 2015 13:25:19 -0500

I spent too many years trying to make a marriage work that wasn't going to, because my ex-wife had already given up on it. If she's not working with you on this, there's no way to save the marriage, only to prolong the pain.

Fortunately I didn't have any children; the fact that you do definitely does complicate matters. You need to consider what is best for them. Being in a tense, combative environment where the parents are constantly fighting and one is constantly drinking is not healthy for them. Based on what you've told us, I would say that being with you is better for them than being with their alcoholic mother. Even with you being busy, they have a good example to look up to, someone who cares for them and won't abuse them. The same cannot be said for an alcoholic parent. It will be difficult, though, and you'll definitely want to connect to the community and take advantage of any resources that are out there (other single parents, community child care, after-school programs as applicable, etc).

Response by CW3 Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 29 at 2015 1:39 PM

CW3 Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 29 Jan 2015 13:39:20 -0500

Divorce party, invite your friends. Great success.

It's your life and career. Don't let someone else ruin it for you

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 29 at 2015 1:46 PM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 29 Jan 2015 13:46:22 -0500

SFC Reece,

I cannot answer to the being a divorced SNCO. But I am 5 years into my second marriage and have custody of my three children from my previous marraige. I spent many years married and not able to come up with a way to coexist. I like you didnt want to affect my children. I come from a "broken" home and i didnt want that for my children. Hindsight is always 20/20. The answer may not be infront of you and will be very hard to see. For me the best thing that i ever did was relize that a change was needed. Did it effect my work for a little bit? Sure it did. I missed a few formations because a baby sitter was a no show. I had to leave work early because of calls from the school. I even had to put of WLC which set my promotion to E5 back a bit. All of this things would definitly affect you more than a young E4 like I was. But my PSG, 1SG, and commander were very understanding and in the loop on it all.

As to your question of choosing personal happiness. I say yes. I looked it it long and hard when the decision was mine. Your children diserve to have a happy father. But you diserve it as well. one day those children will run off and get married and it will just be you. Ask yourself wether you want it to be a happy you or a you who stuck around a situation just for the kids and now they are onto thier own lives and you are still in that situation.

Best of luck in your situation and i hope you find the answer you need.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 29 at 2015 5:00 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 29 Jan 2015 17:00:17 -0500

Brother, I'm right there with you. My divorce was made final 01DEC. I didn't even see it coming. Like you I thought all was kosher. I deployed twice, and in between was an AGR recruiter for the ARNG. My regret is that I didn't spend the time with my kids that maybe I should have while they were growing up. I'm having to figure out how to enrich those relationships now, in their teens. It's a little harder. Two months and my ex is already moved in with the man that she spent the last two years of out marriage establishing a relationship with (but no sex...)

It sucks bro. For 16 years I've had someone to go to bed with. Now... nothing. Maybe your situation will be different, but I go though up days and down days. I've got to take it one day at a time. One thing I am not going to do is have a rebound relationship. I don't even know if I want to get married again, but I do know that my kids are the priority now. Hopefully you have a good job or are on AGR, so that the finacial burden doesn't get you.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 29 at 2015 5:10 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 29 Jan 2015 17:10:03 -0500

I know the feeling. Married 6 years but ive also been deployed 3 times. Lots of things happened. Some how we worked through it all for the sake of our children. Granted my military career is coming to a halt because my marriage. You just have to think long and hard about what you want in life and how you are going to achieve it. If anything you have everyone here for support! Keep your head up and on a swivel!

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 29 at 2015 11:45 PM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 29 Jan 2015 23:45:50 -0500

SFC Private RallyPoint Member, this situation is eerily similar to mine - I am just 8 months behind you. For me, we have just embarked on marriage counseling. First session was yesterday. In her mind, everything is my fault - she is partially correct there. I am all in to save my marriage, even though she has stated she doesn't want it anymore and doesn't love me anymore.
There is just too much at stake to give up. My wife (and yours) needs her husband in sickness AND in health. No matter how this comes out, helping her get healthy is critical. The children need their mother.
You have a kindred spirit in Minnesota, brother. Keep the faith.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 30 at 2015 12:31 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 30 Jan 2015 00:31:49 -0500

Unfortunately we have a very demading job and sometimes we tend to have problems stabilizing both our career and our personal life. I am a prime believe of things happen for a reason we live once might as well enjoy it to the fullest. After a long day at work going home to another situation will burn you out.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 30 at 2015 12:48 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 30 Jan 2015 00:48:36 -0500

Gentlemen thank you for your responses.

The bipartisan responses help put some of the personal biases to bed.

The journey is challenging and I appreciate the guidance and help.

More to follow.

Response by SSG Mike Angelo made Jan 30 at 2015 12:55 AM

SSG Mike Angelo — Fri, 30 Jan 2015 00:55:23 -0500

You might consider early retirement option to save the family unit, maybe for the good of the service. If you are not at a 100% ... your performance may hurt the unit of assignment.

How much can you live with and how much can you take will depend on you. However, supervisors and subordinates alike demand good leadership. In the near future, you will have to make the choice of your contract to the military, or the service will make that decision for you.

Response by SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 30 at 2015 1:02 AM

SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 30 Jan 2015 01:02:44 -0500

I have been somewhere near there, we have more in common than you know...my 'Big D' came after 5 yrs of active duty, And 7 yrs of Reserves, and 4 yrs of college...and our 12 yr old was torn between which parent...the best advice I received was from my ex father-in-law. He said move on, get away from her if you can, take your daughter if you can, start your new life, remarry and find happiness again. And that's what I did. This may not work for you, but it did for me. I urge you to 'consider' the same. Find a woman that loves your kids as much as you and is willing to ump in and help out. Take about two years off - advice from my father that never remarried himself....if you fall off the horse, jump back on - advice from a buddy. Take your pick.

Response by SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 30 at 2015 1:05 AM

SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 30 Jan 2015 01:05:03 -0500

If there is a less demanding position within the command or another very close command thst would allow 6 months of admin duty...take it. You'll need it.

Response by SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 30 at 2015 1:32 AM

SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 30 Jan 2015 01:32:34 -0500

Don't be too hard on yourself, I left active duty because of an ultimatum, then she didn't want to live in Colorado, another ultimatum...I should of known my relationship was going to be a life of ultimatums...you tried, I often wonder I'd be in the same place if I stayed on A/D....so that's all you have to ask, would changing yourself really change how things turned out...probably not. I fortunately wouldn't have changed much.

Response by SFC Collin McMillion made Jan 30 at 2015 1:44 AM

SFC Collin McMillion — Fri, 30 Jan 2015 01:44:08 -0500

I would be the worse person to offer advice. I am on my 4th marriage, 2 in service, 2 after, but I do know life goes on. I have daughters , one from each of my latest three marriages, a 41 year old, a 24 year old, and a five year old. Why so many years difference.......I waited and supported each until they could make it on their own. If this marriage doesn't work, then about the time I hit 79 I will try again. It seems that we old soldiers really have problems in long term relationships. We are totally innocent, but not totally guilty either. Wives of military members do have it rough and with us "old set in our ways" soldiers with our problems it can be and often is pure hell. Self blame, casting blame, neither is correct. The only thing I could and did do was be there for my children and try to cause as little problem for my ex's as possible. My life is still MY life and I live it and definitely not always right in my dicisions. I think sometimes you just have to let someone or something you love go just to survive and maintain some kind of balance. There are far too many people with bits of wisdom for me to even try to get in there, so I won't, just know I feel for you brother and wish you find some kind of peace.

Response by PO2 Steven Erickson made Jan 30 at 2015 1:57 AM

PO2 Steven Erickson — Fri, 30 Jan 2015 01:57:36 -0500

To answer your question, SFC Private RallyPoint Member; Divorce does NOT equal Failure.

As a Christian, my advice is to give all of this to God. Ask Him to do His will in your life. Believe that the Creator of the Universe can handle this. Fight for what's right.

God's blessings and comfort for you and your family.

Response by SSG Fritz Miller made Jan 30 at 2015 2:04 AM

SSG Fritz Miller — Fri, 30 Jan 2015 02:04:23 -0500

I was married 3 times and the Army was 1st upon reflection and 7 years of psychotherapy. Take care of your kids get into a good church home. Surround yourself with people who are moving and in the place you want to be in. If you need therapy (long term help or counseling (short term) identify and execute. If possible have therapy off post. Put God 1st implement that in your family have faith and watch his grace and mercy heal and guide you Battle.

Response by SGT Steven Eugene Kuhn MBA made Jan 30 at 2015 2:48 AM

SGT Steven Eugene Kuhn MBA — Fri, 30 Jan 2015 02:48:01 -0500

You have a similar story as I SFC Private RallyPoint Member .

Far be it from me to be an expert giving advice, however I can offer my experiences as a "reflective surface" to compare.

First off, this is your life, and you yourself are solely responsible for your happiness with who and what you are, from the post it seems you are happy with yourself, just not the situation in which you find yourself, so let us address this point:

Children are not only our future but carry our luggage with them after we are gone, meaning everything we do, say or suggest stays with them somewhere conscious or unconsciously.

While growing up until the age of 19 when I left for the Army, we lived with 5 different men my mother either married or dated. As soon as we were old enough, she sat us 3 children down and explained each situation neutrally without blame or biased statements. This helped us understand but more importantly, accept the changes.

Fast forward 8 years later, I got a European out, married a woman in Berlin, Germany and after 7 years the relationship was ended. Much like you I was always on the road, he answer to that was drinking, it was not long before she hurt herself. I refused to divorce and subjected myself to so much pain that my feelings for her literally died one day. We then split but as friends in the end. We never had children so I can only speak of my childhood on that matter.

We cannot change people, we are not responsible for others total happiness (yes even us Military Alpha Males) until they are happy with themselves, truly accept who they are, will they be resilient enough to deal with any situation, so even though you feel responsible, you are not. Anyone basing their happiness and life in general on another person is in a delicate situation as soon as the partner has a mission elsewhere.

Not know the situation with the children, but if they are old enough, it is a possibility they will understand, that they will see what is best for each of you may be separation, key is a neutral discussion with all of you. This is not failure, this is reality, treat each other with massive respect and be kind of heart, this will lead you.

Now I am remarried after I took 7 years to be happy with me, do what made me happy and simply decided I was more valuable and important to the world if I accept myself as I am first. When I met my current wife we sat and I told her my expectations without pressure and told her my personal no go situations...5 years later we have a child and one on the way and we never argue or fight and guess what? I fly to Germany, Spain, Switzerland or Poland to work each week so I am only home 2 or 3 days a week and she is fine becasue we discussed and agreed in the beginning.

My wife is wonderful and I have never been so happy with a woman, this reflects in my general life, my friendships and in my business results and contracts. I must attribute this to explaining of expectations and continued open communication should anything creep up that bothers one of us.

My comments may be a bit tossed around but I wanted to let you know that life always goes on, we have the responsibility to ours elf as a human being to make sure we get the most out of it, and that I do wish you.

Here is a recent photo of my wife, child and I; I remarried at age 46 and my first child at 47, happiness is possible.

I do wish you all the best in these difficult times, life always goes on, question is if you will dictate the direction and manner in which it goes on, it lies within your control for sure.

Be well,

Steven

Response by 1LT Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 30 at 2015 2:50 AM

1LT Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 30 Jan 2015 02:50:19 -0500

SFC Private RallyPoint Member. I believe you need to divorce yourself from deciding where the blame lays . . . and focus instead on finding a way to get together with your spouse . . . in the most healing possible counseling relationship . . . with goal of restoring a loving relationship. Indeed, you work in an exceedingly demanding job . . . with added child care responsibility . . . but with the best possible professional help . . . and willingness to compromise . . . there may be significant reason to hope for substantial improvement for the benefit of everyone converned. If it cannot be worked out this will become apparent . . . but it is certainly well worth trying. Warmest Regards, Sandy

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 30 at 2015 3:07 AM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 30 Jan 2015 03:07:31 -0500

I don't know too much about marriage, but what I do know is that you can't dwell on past mistakes. Of course relationships fail due to both ends not being able to communicate properly/ effectively. I grew up around failed marriages my entire life so I at least know what doesn't work.

Your kids must come first no matter what! If that means you give up a marriage or even your profession then so be it.

Having Chirstian fundamentals definitely does help. Try releasing any blame that you may hold deep within you. Through prayer or something productive. Most of all, own up to the mistakes you've made and allow that to shape the man you want to become. There's no failure in doing this, only a deep healing.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 30 at 2015 3:21 AM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 30 Jan 2015 03:21:34 -0500

Divorce is failure...yes. It is a failure of the marriage, but not of the individual.

Long story short is that your personal life effects work and vice/versa. First, make sure the kids are taken care of. They are your #1 priority, and will be for life. Assuming you have custody, it will affect TDY(but it's a good excuse to get out of staff duty) and may cause some professional pain. However, if you can't concentrate on the men and the mission, then your profession is going to go down the drain.

I struggled, ethically/morally, with my divorce, but finally realized that it was about the only way to move ahead, and improve my life.

Response by TSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 30 at 2015 6:18 AM

TSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 30 Jan 2015 06:18:37 -0500

Just my barely informed opinion but from the sound of things it seems as though since coming back from deployment you have been the only one carrying the burden of your marriage.

The fact that you've gotten this far is an incredible feat and if your marriage does end you are not the point of failure or the one to blame.

Response by CPT Aaron Kletzing made Jan 30 at 2015 7:54 AM

CPT Aaron Kletzing — Fri, 30 Jan 2015 07:54:46 -0500

SFC Private RallyPoint Member thank you for sharing this personal story and opening up about your concerns. All of us here on RP are your military brothers and sisters, and we are here to support and encourage you.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 31 at 2015 7:57 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Sat, 31 Jan 2015 19:57:41 -0500

divorce equals happiness and freedom In my book

Response by PO3 Michael James made Jan 31 at 2015 11:08 PM

PO3 Michael James — Sat, 31 Jan 2015 23:08:17 -0500

SFC, I have dealt with alcoholics in the past.. First weather its 6 rehab stints, or 60.. she has to first realize that she has a problem with alcohol.. Next she has to really WANT help, she has to really WANT to Quit !! She has to realize that by getting the help SHE needs, she, in-turn, will be helping her children, her husband, and all of those who only love her and want her back !! It is a disease, and there is help, if someone wants to become sober, it is very possible, but SHE has to want to do it for herself.. and then she needs to continually maintain a sober lifestyle, with other sober people to associate with.. Chaplains can help in this matter.. As for you... You appear to be of strong character to achieve what you have in such a short period of time.. USE THESE STRENGTHS, Afghanistan mission !!! How could you be anything but "extremely engulfed" in your work !!! From what information I have just read, I know that it would be an honor to serve in your Platoon !! Best to you and your family, Mike

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 24 at 2015 9:39 AM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 24 Apr 2015 09:39:55 -0400

SFC Private RallyPoint Member, I am living the same thing, right now. The decision to divorce was forced upon me, despite my best efforts to remedy the situation.

BLUF: Do all you can to help your wife find equilibrium, and place the kids first while she takes a knee to work on herself.
I strongly recommend dialing back the pressures of your workplace while this is going on, because work becomes an excuse to not face hard issues and siphons away energy that you will need when you hit the hard places.

I am devastated by my 16 year marriage breaking up (anniversary in a few days, that should be fun) and I have no idea how I will pick up all the pieces. But the kids (I have three, 9 7, and 2) are impacted and clearly need both daddy and mommy - but both parents are wrestling with their own loss and grief.
I would not wish this on anyone. This will go down as my single biggest failure, and no matter how hard I try I know that if I would have done a few things differently, I would not be here. That, my friend, is crippling.

One more point of advice, and this is from the heart. Guard your heart. The wounds leave you open to trying to replace what is lost with another far too soon. Go slow, and give yourself time to heal.

Message me directly and I will do my best to impart wisdom learned the hard way.
I am cheering for you. It is worth it to try to repair the damage before the rifts get too big to bridge.
Good luck.

Response by PFC Tuan Trang made May 10 at 2015 11:00 AM

PFC Tuan Trang — Sun, 10 May 2015 11:00:54 -0400

It hard to think or sleep when this happend, but in my opiniom, no one is a failure unless they chose to be one. Is hard when there a loss or a divorce, But there will be someone there to support you til you find someone along the road.

Some
vacation time to relax would be best.