Do elements of military service hinder ones ability to build meaningful personal relationships?

SGT Joseph Gunderson — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 20:47:38 -0400

Since leaving the Army in 2014 and my subsequent divorce I have been unable to make connections and build meaningful relationships whether they be friends or those I wish to make girlfriends. Often I am told that I am distant, too serious, strong willed or hard headed, etc. Does anyone believe that there are habits or characteristics that we pick up in the military that make relationships harder?

Response by SPC Margaret Higgins made Jul 4 at 2017 8:52 PM

SPC Margaret Higgins — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 20:52:34 -0400

SGT Joseph Gunderson: I would say yes and no.
There was one young lady at Permanent Party: who was mean to me in Basic Training And at Permanent Party.
I don't really know what she had against me; however, I had been Squad Leader in AIT- and I guess she didn't like that.
I would say yes; in that I met one of my boyfriends at Permanent Party.
-Rest Well Tonight, Sergeant Gunderson, Margaret

Response by MSgt Jason McClish made Jul 4 at 2017 8:53 PM

MSgt Jason McClish — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 20:53:41 -0400

A mixture of both.

Response by CPT Jack Durish made Jul 4 at 2017 9:01 PM

CPT Jack Durish — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 21:01:16 -0400

I was all of those things before I went into the military. Didn't need any help being an SOB. Just had to find a woman who would put up with it. Been married to her for 40 years now.

Response by SSG Pete Fleming made Jul 4 at 2017 9:15 PM

SSG Pete Fleming — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 21:15:49 -0400

Whether people want to admit it or not, it does. Regardless if you saw combat or not the institutionalization of the service, to connection with your peers, and other elements don't exist in the 'real' world, at least not at the same level. Then when you add being deployed into the mix it does change who you are. Once you include combat, both being in danger zones and being the one actually involved in combat operations, it will for ever be a part of you. We all change with our environment. Some of those are subtle, others are more obvious. The make us who we are. And I know some say I am mistaken, but denial is not just a river in Egypt...

Response by SGT Steve Hines-Saich B.S. M.S. Cybersecurity made Jul 4 at 2017 9:38 PM

SGT Steve Hines-Saich B.S. M.S. Cybersecurity — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 21:38:01 -0400

There is an ambiguous relationship beteen service members and civilians. Sometimes they really love us other times they could care less. It's hard to just get rid of the training we have gone through....I think we have a constant struggle to find balance as veterans and former service members. Find those who can accept you for who you are...and be there for them. Commeraderie as we know it hard to come by in the civ world it seems to be more about the individuals goals and ambitions. I have a hard time building relationships with folks I just keep at it.

Response by SSgt Gary Andrews made Jul 4 at 2017 10:42 PM

SSgt Gary Andrews — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 22:42:42 -0400

Having served 10 years in the USMC, I found it a bit difficult to relate to people who had never served, at first. When you are used to carrying heavy responsibility, and have been other places in the world and seen other cultures.....hard to relate to people who have left the neighborhood they grew up in. But over time, assimilation does occur.

Response by Sgt Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 5 at 2017 12:10 AM

Sgt Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 05 Jul 2017 00:10:06 -0400

SGT Joseph Gunderson Relationships can be a challenge. I have always been serious and driven, but the military made me more so. I can come across as distant or cold, until someone gets to know me, and I have a very hard time putting up with BS. I will remain cold and distant to those trying to spin BS.

Response by SGT Mark Halmrast made Jul 5 at 2017 2:15 AM

SGT Mark Halmrast — Wed, 05 Jul 2017 02:15:45 -0400

Harder at first.
Be yourself.
Relationships will come.

Thanks for topic...head and heart.

Response by SSgt Ryan Sylvester made Jul 5 at 2017 1:26 PM

SSgt Ryan Sylvester — Wed, 05 Jul 2017 13:26:03 -0400

That just sounds like me in general, even before the military.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 5 at 2017 2:11 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 05 Jul 2017 14:11:24 -0400

I've always been independent and I was extremely shy as a child. I have never been good at meeting new people. So I don't think the military has any affect on me. If anything has affected my ability to build future relationships it's my ex husband.

I probably got better at talking to people because of the military since I have to do briefs, etc. I just don't really let a lot of people too close to me and never have.

Oh and my ex used to tell me similar things "You're not affectionate" or "You're distant" or blah blah. I barely like to hug my family so yeah - PDA is not my thing. He knew that I've known him since we were 18.

Response by SSgt Holden M. made Jul 5 at 2017 4:46 PM

SSgt Holden M. — Wed, 05 Jul 2017 16:46:56 -0400

I think that it really does have an impact. Especially if you are a combat vet. My wife is a great woman that has stuck with me but sometimes when I'm trying to explain a point she yells at me to stop yelling at her when I'm not actually yelling. Also she has told me that she loves me and always will love me but sometimes she doesn't like me. It's kind of a blessing but a curse at the same time because I know and remember how caring and compassionate I was and I'm just able to get myself back to how caring and compassionate as I was.

Response by Cpl Justin Goolsby made Jul 5 at 2017 5:51 PM

Cpl Justin Goolsby — Wed, 05 Jul 2017 17:51:04 -0400

I'm mixed on this and even after reading the responses of others, I'm still pretty torn on the issue. The military changes us, that much is true, but I'm not sure I would say it makes relationships harder.

Relationships with other people are a difficult project by themselves.

Pre-military, most of my friendships were based upon mutual interests (sports, hobbies, music, etc).
During my military service, I have lost a lot of those friends because we didn't share the same values. After the military though, it seems the majority of my friends have some form of connection to the military. In my mind, I believe it's because military members typically share similar values so it's easier for us to connect to each other.

One thing I know the Marine Corps changed about me was it made me value my time way more than other people. Why should I invest my time on people who wouldn't invest their time on me?

Dating is a complicated matter on it's own.

For instance, just using the photo you posted and the text in your post:

I can see you are divorced - some people could be turned away if they think there's an ex with baggage in your life.

I can see you have a child - some people might not be ready to have kids in their life/but on the flip side, some are attracted to the single fathers because it usually means they've got their lives together.

I can see a cane propped up next to you - That could hint at a physical disability/impairment. While we may be at peace with our injuries, it could genuinely turn people off because they might immediately think of "How committed am I to this person". You know those hypothetical questions couples ask themselves "What would you do if I were paralyzed". The difference being, they might be thinking that before the relationship begins.

You say you've been described as distant, too serious, strong willed or hard headed. People might take that as stubbornness which by itself isn't a bad thing, but if people think you are too set in your ways, they might think you aren't open to the ideas of having another person in your life.

As it's been said, you might find it a bit easier forming relationships with someone serving or who has served because you'd have similar life experiences to build a foundation on.

I've been out of the dating game for quite awhile, so take my advice with a grain of salt. It's the best I could come up with. But with dating sites online and dating/hookup apps on your phone, it's definitely becoming easier to put yourself out on the market. It's all about how you present yourself.

I wish you the best of luck.

Response by SGT Paul Mackay made Jul 5 at 2017 10:11 PM

SGT Paul Mackay — Wed, 05 Jul 2017 22:11:26 -0400

yes they challange your trust to people.