Do our Children understand death of a love one at a young age?

SFC William Stephens A. Jr., 3 MSM, JSCM — Tue, 11 Apr 2017 11:28:21 -0400

Response by SFC William Stephens A. Jr., 3 MSM, JSCM made Apr 11 at 2017 11:31 AM

SFC William Stephens A. Jr., 3 MSM, JSCM — Tue, 11 Apr 2017 11:31:00 -0400

Start this off this my daughter Izabel and she 9 but she still don't understand Death but she know her Grandmother SUE is looking down on her, This was taken last Easter Sad when young and you loose your grand parents/

Response by Cpl Justin Goolsby made Apr 11 at 2017 11:33 AM

Cpl Justin Goolsby — Tue, 11 Apr 2017 11:33:51 -0400

Honestly I don't think so. I brought my girls with me when their great grand parents died and to them, they were just sleeping. My oldest (3) even told her to wake up and asked why she was sleeping.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 11 at 2017 11:38 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 11 Apr 2017 11:38:28 -0400

Most of us don't even understand death at our current age.

Response by PO1 Michael Fullmer made Apr 11 at 2017 11:42 AM

PO1 Michael Fullmer — Tue, 11 Apr 2017 11:42:09 -0400

My children (both in their 30's now) were exposed to death at an early age with the loss of family and the loss of shipmates/brothers in arms. They, both Army veterans, and I have tried to explain to their children, my grand children, that death is only a continuation of a journey set forth at the time of their birth and that it while sad, is not to be feared. I believe we have given them the understanding and tools to cope. Hope this makes sense.

Response by PO2 Rev. Frederick C. Mullis, AFI, CFM made Apr 11 at 2017 11:45 AM

PO2 Rev. Frederick C. Mullis, AFI, CFM — Tue, 11 Apr 2017 11:45:11 -0400

Have they been taught what death is? Have they been exposed to death of grandparents? or have they been kept isolated? When I was brought up, Children were not sheltered. They were exposed to life and all that it brings, we understood. These days the stupidity of some parents believe that shielding their children from the hardships of life, is helping them, but actually it harms them because when they finally have to experience death or other stressful hardships they do not know how to manifest the stressful feelings. They do not understand that crying is an acceptable form of stress relief. Grieving is a natural part of the growing process. it makes us what and who we are. The reason why many of our College students need time out rooms because they cannot handle that a Chicken Biscuit is being sold on Campus, or someone is speaking and has a differing opinion is because of those same parents never exposing those children to LIFE and all the hardships. They don't understand Death, they do not understand that pointing a gun and pulling the trigger will kill them. They don't get back up like they do in the video game. They do not understand LIFE most of the time. By "They" I mean the ones you can see by watching any news broadcast of any Liberal College campus. Those are the children I am talking about. they have grown up into pitiful excuses for adults.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 11 at 2017 12:21 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 11 Apr 2017 12:21:37 -0400

My grandfather died this past August (2016). My daughter is only 2 but she still remembers him so far when she sees pictures she says "papa." But when we went to the visitation she knew something was different about him when we went up to the coffin. The first time she freaked out. She didn't want to go near the body. That surprised me a little but kids know things. At the end everyone went up and I went up one last time and she said "Ssh papa sleeping." One day we were at this park and she said "Papa" I said where and she said "over there." I don't know if she did see him or not. No one was around us and anyone even in the park no one looked like him. My niece is six and a few months ago I'm not even sure what we were talking about but we must have talked about Grandpa and she said 'Well he's dead." She was very blunt about it. I just remember that she was so straightforward. None of us kids are very religious in my family. My youngest brother goes to church and they baptized their kids. My other younger brother they baptized their son but he's not religious. I think he just went with it for his girlfriend. My oldest brother they haven't baptized their kids and I won't baptize my daughter. So we don't use a religious aspect when we talk to our kids and others might use that to explain it. My grandpa was really Lutheran...and religious. I learned not to debate that topic with him once.

I think it just depends on the family ideology and culture. Some use religion. Some don't. Some people are spiritual. But I think people fail to give kids credit and we think they don't know as much as they really do. They have a more open outlook on life than adults do. As we get older let's face it, we get cynical. We get jaded. We don't see things the way we did as kids. That innocence gets lost. But kids are pretty perceptive.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 11 at 2017 12:27 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 11 Apr 2017 12:27:31 -0400

Mine do. I started with hatching chicks and raising animals on our ranch. I showed them the ones that didn't make it.
One night I witnessed a deadly car accident and one of the first responders. I had my kids with me. They saw the accident and my oldest knew what was going on. Though I tried to tell him mommy was helping them. There was one that died on impact. A few days later he asked me what happened to those kids in the car as they were in their early 20s. So I told him two of them died and went to heaven. But one of them lived and had a broken ankle.
He replied "oooohh they went to heaven? Like the chickens go to heaven when they die?" And I said yes, just like that.
So I think if it's explained to them and not hidden from them they will have a better understanding. Great Post SFC William Stephens A. Jr., 3 MSM, JSCM, thank you for sharing

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 11 at 2017 1:05 PM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 11 Apr 2017 13:05:51 -0400

Children often think in terms of loss.
Mine miss their mother... but less herself but more for the things she did with them. Making cookies, taking my daughter to do "girl stuff", things like that. I am told that I don't make the mac & cheese like mommy did... I don't even know what that means.
At first, the children were much more clingy - needing assurance that I was there and I wasn't going to leave them too. This was very hard... I was having a hard time keeping it together myself, and here they were desperately needing someone that wasn't going to come back.
It is heartbreaking, but I can't replace her. Only do more than I might have otherwise to fill some of the void.

Response by CAPT Kevin B. made Apr 11 at 2017 1:23 PM

CAPT Kevin B. — Tue, 11 Apr 2017 13:23:26 -0400

Absolutely. But kids process it differently than adults. Much of it is due to the frontal lobe is not activated yet (18-23 range). There's typically more detachment because many of the things we'd process aren't in the mix yet. I used to be a nurse aide as a 16-21 years old, and had to deal early with watching people die. And then, because I was the guy, got to make them ready for the mortician to take over. At the time, I just knew I didn't have to think about it in terms of myself, so I dismissed it. Then it became frequent enough that it became a known process. You get to know when someone won't make it through the night. That outlook changed later when you see young strong energetic men shredded off 'Nam. The notion of "precious" didn't start to creep into the equation until then. And then you lose your Senior Chief who taught you so much. And your life is affected more long term. So my mother-in-law passed away last year. Our two sons who would be 22-23 processed it very differently, even as adults. One emotionally totally blown, the other stoic because he doesn't want to process. Everyone deals with it differently through their own lives.

Response by SGM Erik Marquez made Apr 11 at 2017 3:44 PM

SGM Erik Marquez — Tue, 11 Apr 2017 15:44:03 -0400

Im 51 and I don't fully understand death of a loved one, nor can I accept without remorse and self disgust death of my soldiers..
So be that as it is, Id have to say, no,,children do not fully grasp death of a loved one..

Response by MSG Brad Sand made Apr 11 at 2017 4:36 PM

MSG Brad Sand — Tue, 11 Apr 2017 16:36:32 -0400

Sadly yes. My daughter was four when her older sister was taken from us. I did not know how to explain such loss to someone so young, but I think she was able to handle it as well as I was...better. She actually was as much help for me as I was for her in handling this tragedy.

With this said, I think the real answer depends as much on the child and it does for an adult.

Response by Lt Col Scott Shuttleworth made Apr 11 at 2017 6:01 PM

Lt Col Scott Shuttleworth — Tue, 11 Apr 2017 18:01:24 -0400

I believe children are smarter than we give them credit. I believe they do understand it. When my daughter was born we had a chocolate lab. he was her world. They were buddies. When she was 7, he died. She was crushed and to this day still talks about him. I know I know pets right. But that helped her to process the death of loved ones that we have lost over the years to include my father. I think they process it different... more simpler way than we can. They process everything different. Even in the Bible Matthew 18, Jesus talks about how we should become like children. I believe in their purity of hearts they understand far more than we think...their minds haven't been tainted.

Response by PO3 Michael James made Apr 17 at 2017 2:26 PM

PO3 Michael James — Mon, 17 Apr 2017 14:26:47 -0400

I don't think They fully understand .. and each of us is emotionally different .. some can take it better than others and go on with their lives .. Still others have tendencies to fall .. EVEN to the point of suicide ... Education does not seem to make any difference .. obviously, Look at our Congress .. They don't care about anything but themselves !!