Have you ever felt this way?

2014-12-18T11:10:03-05:00

Will Any One Miss Me

Two year ago, every day I would fall into formation with my brothers and sisters in arms, we would joke and smoke together. During those days I was never alone, everyone watched out for each other. We fought together not because we had to we did it for the person to the left and to the right. We gave our all for each other; sometimes we gave the ultimate sacrifice for each other. We were never going to let one of our own die alone.
In combat we fought together, slept together and sometimes cried together. I was never alone; there was always someone to my right or to my left. I could count on that person to cover my ass. I would give my life for those I shared those moments with. I would give my life for one of them and they would do the same for me. If I were to die on the battlefield, I would be missed by my brothers and sisters in arms.
Today, I am alone all the time, there is no one in the foxhole next to me, no one to my right, no one to my left. There is no one out there who would die for me. My family doesn’t understand me, the doctors tell me I am depressed and I suffer from PTSD. They prescribe me medication and I go to group with others and share my experiences, not the good, only the bad.
Yet, it is just the lonely feeling I have and no one to share it with. Is there no one out there who would cry for me if I were to die today? Yes, I have a family. They do not understand why I miss being in uniform, why I miss the comradery of combat and being in the Armed Service. If I were to die today is there anyone out there who would miss me.
Yes, I am alone, there are days I sit and remember my Squad Leader, my older brother. I look to the sky for advice from my Platoon Sergeant, my father. I await the motivational speech from the” Old Man” as he was affectionately call, my Commander. The words never come they just ring in my head in dreams of days gone by and places with names I cannot pronounce.
If I were to take my life today, would anyone miss me or would I become another statistic for the Veterans Administration to quote. Will I be laid to rest in a grave where I will never be alone? Will I again be with my brothers and sisters In Arms laughing and joking in an eternal formation? Will I be laid to rest in uniform again, with someone to my left and someone to my right? I want to be laid to rest in Arlington. If not there, then lay me to rest in another military cemetery where I will never be alone again. I want to feel at home again with my brothers and sisters in eternal formation at rest, yet never alone and never missed.

Response by Capt Richard I P. made Dec 18 at 2014 11:16 AM

2014-12-18T11:16:13-05:00

LTC Scott O'Neil Sir, I think everyone has felt this way to some degree, greater or lesser. The power of the experience which we have in our background is so much greater than that others have, and that distances us from them. Support comes from groups with similar experience, good leaders, and inner strength. One of the best books I have read that has helped me through dark times is The Warrior Ethos by Steven Pressfield. It talks of what comes after the Warrior phase.

http://www.stevenpressfield.com/the-warrior-ethos/

The Warrior Ethos | Steven Pressfield

Website of author and historian, Steven Pressfield.

Response by COL Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 18 at 2014 11:14 AM

2014-12-18T11:14:35-05:00

Scott, this is pretty deep, but reflects the solidarity of our members who are serving in uniform. I look back the the Korengal Valley attack on FOB Keating and think about how alone they felt or about the many times that we are standing a post left to our own thoughts etc.

What is the legacy we as service members want to leave behind? How do we truly want to be remembered?

Do we truly have the proper balance in life that eases our transitions from the uniform to outside.

Response by SGT K C made Dec 18 at 2014 1:26 PM

2014-12-18T13:26:03-05:00

The transition to civilian life can be very difficult. The military life style (contrary to what they tell you) is to teach absolute dependence. The military keeps you in check with superiors and makes sure your inferiors are dependent upon you. The military member is dependent upon the military for clothing, food, medical, pay, social life and professional development. In the civilian world these things must all come from you. While it is easy to believe that most civilians wouldn't help you out if you needed it, that is simply not the case. The military doesn't magically make people brave, or dependable. People have to have that in them before joining.

Feelings of isolation and loneliness are not to be ignored. Everyone feels like that first leaving the military and as you get further into your civilian life they should start to diminish and go away. If they are not going away it is a warning flag of depression in which case you should go find someone to talk to you. Private health insurance usually covers several sessions with a counselor.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 13 at 2015 1:31 AM

2015-01-13T01:31:48-05:00

In 2006 about a year after my first tour, I had a bad night. So I called a friend who was a Viet Nam vet.

Without any preamble I said;
"Bill, do you ever miss it?"

A long pause followed while he woke up (did I mention it was after midnight?)

"Only about once a week these days. Do you need to talk?"

"Nope, that makes me feel better."

And we hung up.