How do marriages and relationships survive the military?

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 18 Jan 2016 21:00:12 -0500

Just looking for any tips in general to all who are married or in a serious relationship to see how you and your spouse is or have survived the military and it's demands.

Response by SMSgt Tony Barnes made Jan 18 at 2016 9:03 PM

SMSgt Tony Barnes — Mon, 18 Jan 2016 21:03:02 -0500

I wish I knew...divorced after 25 years. Since remarried.

Response by Sgt Aaron Kennedy, MS made Jan 18 at 2016 9:15 PM

Sgt Aaron Kennedy, MS — Mon, 18 Jan 2016 21:15:20 -0500

Don't let "the military" threaten their survival.

"If it isn't making you happy, and it isn't making you money, don't do it."

Ain't none of us getting rich being here. The Marines were good to me. I found my wife in the Marines. If I had it all to do over again, I wouldn't change a thing. But when I was asked to choose Career or Family... It wasn't a choice.

This is something we do for a whole host of reasons... but Family should ALWAYS be your #1 star player. If the military starts sliding into that number one slot...

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 18 at 2016 9:25 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 18 Jan 2016 21:25:55 -0500

Communication, Communication, Communication. I have been married 7 years with two deployments under my belt. I let her know ASAP when I have to go for training/deployments. We make sure all paperwork, child care, and finances are in order before I go. You also need to try to get a strong support system of family and friends, especially if you have children, who can help in times of need. Lastly, you have to trust your significant other and they have to trust you.

Response by SSG Mark Metzler made Jan 18 at 2016 9:31 PM

SSG Mark Metzler — Mon, 18 Jan 2016 21:31:25 -0500

It takes commitment, communications, understanding, patience, and most of all a great sense of humor.

Response by SSG Mark Metzler made Jan 18 at 2016 9:34 PM

SSG Mark Metzler — Mon, 18 Jan 2016 21:34:16 -0500

Oh yeah, We've been married going on 38 years. Always, always expect the unexpected, it helps.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 18 at 2016 9:42 PM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Mon, 18 Jan 2016 21:42:34 -0500

Mine didn't... and I thought that we were rock solid. Got the surprise of my life when I got home from Africa last year.
I think one day that she just decided I thought the Army was more important than she was.

Response by SSgt Jamie Ritter LeBlanc made Jan 18 at 2016 9:50 PM

SSgt Jamie Ritter LeBlanc — Mon, 18 Jan 2016 21:50:40 -0500

Marriage is about comprise, communication and change (even when it's not at the same time). Your marriage will change several times over the years. Your spouse should be your go to person when things are hard even if your thousand miles apart. Thankfully my husband and I had jobs that never threatened to separate us with different assignments. After 17 years I can tell ya it has not always been easy but we continuously recommit to make it work.

Response by Capt Mark Strobl made Jan 18 at 2016 10:22 PM

Capt Mark Strobl — Mon, 18 Jan 2016 22:22:17 -0500

I was lucky: My bride had a DSN-line on her desk. Wherever we could prop up sat-comm, I didn't have to wait in line at the pay-phone booth. Also she worked for a wing that sent detachments in direct support of our MEU. So, she pretty much always knew (about) where I was. For the first two years of our marriage, we enjoyed four non-continuous months together. In years 3 & 4 of wedlock, those numbers jumped to 8 non-continuous months together. On one hand, it was tough. On the other, we were pretty much newly-weds every time we got to see each other. Bottom line: Love ain't enough. You have to work at it... and know that the "needs of the service" preempted any wedding vows. We both knew this going into the marriage. 24-years later...

Response by 1SG Richard Evans made Jan 18 at 2016 11:42 PM

1SG Richard Evans — Mon, 18 Jan 2016 23:42:06 -0500

Love, trust and understanding. You both have to understand and respect the demand that the military can put on a relationship. Everyday is a sacrifice and each relationship gets stronger as you struggle through them together. My wife and I are retired from the military now after 18 years of PCSing, many separations from training events and two combat tours. It was not always happy or easy but we both were committed and made it. We have great memories, friends and a tight family as a result. Take it one day at a time and learn and grow from each experience. Good Luck

Response by PO2 Rocky Kleeger made Jan 19 at 2016 8:55 AM

PO2 Rocky Kleeger — Tue, 19 Jan 2016 08:55:32 -0500

To tell the truth, I'm not sure. I figured when I retired and stayed home more then deploying, she'd figure out what an ass I really am and leave. That was five years ago and we just celebrated 25 years of married...bliss? We still have our ups and downs, I think that communication is still the key to a long lasting relationship. That, and being each other's sounding boards.

Response by SSgt Tim Ricci made Jan 19 at 2016 9:32 AM

SSgt Tim Ricci — Tue, 19 Jan 2016 09:32:21 -0500

Mine didn't after 18 years of "Bliss" Albeit we both was Military, her Navy Nurse and myself an Enlisted Marine! It was good while it lasted! Communication between each though is the key!

Response by LTC Jeffrey Strickland made Jan 19 at 2016 10:20 AM

LTC Jeffrey Strickland — Tue, 19 Jan 2016 10:20:26 -0500

I agree with SSG Private RallyPoint Member , but would add "Commitment". Surviving is a decision, not an emotion.

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 19 at 2016 10:54 AM

MSG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 19 Jan 2016 10:54:00 -0500

Communication, adaptability, give and take, understanding, determination and commitment.

Response by SMSgt Clyde Hunter made Jan 19 at 2016 10:54 AM

SMSgt Clyde Hunter — Tue, 19 Jan 2016 10:54:26 -0500

Communicate BEFORE you put that ring on her finger. Make sure she knows who you are, what your job entails, and future plans. I married a UK national. She never wanted to leave England and complained constantly when we had stateside assignments. The military kept my marriage going by allowing me to stay overseas for extended periods. After serving 27 years in the military I retired in the states and spent 10's of thousands going back and forth to England. By cruise ship coz she was afraid of flying too!! Divorced after 33 years in 2011. Married an American...

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 19 at 2016 12:37 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 19 Jan 2016 12:37:44 -0500

Mutual understanding. Communication. Trust.

Response by SFC Thomas Howes made Jan 19 at 2016 12:53 PM

SFC Thomas Howes — Tue, 19 Jan 2016 12:53:22 -0500

agree with SSG Slover but there are something's I could not tell her and that did make it hard seeing I was combat arms and she was finance but Communication is the best and if he or she can only tell you so much do not press the issue and spend as much time with each other as possible

Response by SSG Audwin Scott made Jan 19 at 2016 1:58 PM

SSG Audwin Scott — Tue, 19 Jan 2016 13:58:43 -0500

Well let me give it to you from the opposite side of one that has been married twice. This is my belief, you both must have a firm foundation in a higher being, rather it be God, Allah or Budda. Communication and being able to be transparent with each others truths. The challenge will come where deployments and training exercises will keep you apart from each other for long periods at a time so you have to find away to satisfy one another while apart. Trust me on this many marriages fail in the military because of infidelity. If you all can manage to do these things you should have a pretty successful marriage. Don't get me wrong no marriage is perfect, but it takes two to want to make it work also.

Response by SCPO Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 19 at 2016 3:34 PM

SCPO Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 19 Jan 2016 15:34:16 -0500

With a lot of attention to every detail, ten times the amount of understanding, prayer, great friends and family, and a handy can of Relative Bearing grease.

Response by Craig Hatch made Jan 19 at 2016 3:40 PM

Craig Hatch — Tue, 19 Jan 2016 15:40:08 -0500

The only advice I can think of,is enjoy your time together when you got it. Don't be afraid to say I love you and never be afraid to be affectionate. I never was married to anyone in the military. However, I would think, never going to bed mad at each other would be a good idea. Communication is key I think, but to know each others hearts is another as well. Every relationship is different, hard to say what would work or not work. I think that's pretty much up to you, and your partner, wife, husband etc. Anyway, I wish you both the best and hope it all works out for you in the end. If you take a little time and have faith in each other, I do believe things will work out for you both. Take care and may your days be long and prosperous.

Response by PFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 19 at 2016 3:55 PM

PFC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 19 Jan 2016 15:55:39 -0500

Well, we just finally got married last month, but from what I have been told it all comes down to the fact that family comes first. Set aside a day each week for a little date night. Surprise each other, even if it's just with a compliment. Continue to encourage each other and be there for one another. Communicate, tell them what's on your mind. Spoil them, seriously. Time is so precious that you have to take advantage of every moment you can get! Best of luck!

It's hard, but not a deal breaker. Also, don't let finances get in the way of your marital happiness, it'll get better! Just enjoy each other, you never know how long you have until they have to go on special trips or deployments.

Response by Dawn Colón made Jan 19 at 2016 4:23 PM

Dawn Colón — Tue, 19 Jan 2016 16:23:57 -0500

I'd have to say that this is one subject that is super hard. It really takes two mature, dedicated people to deal with the issues that he demands of the military have. Not only on the military member but on the family. We are a blended family and it falls on me, the spouse, to sometimes do 90% of the child rearing which takes its toll. I encourage my husband to make the best of the time he has with the kids. We try each weekend to do a fun activity together. Family game night, movie night, ice cream night, homemade pizza making. Just anything to be engaged and LEAVE WORK BEHIND! That's a tough one but it is necessary.

Response by SPC Andrew Griffin made Jan 19 at 2016 4:38 PM

SPC Andrew Griffin — Tue, 19 Jan 2016 16:38:38 -0500

You have to be BUILT for it! You must have a deep commitment to making the Marriage work!

Response by SGT Jimmy Carpenter made Jan 19 at 2016 7:46 PM

SGT Jimmy Carpenter — Tue, 19 Jan 2016 19:46:54 -0500

Mine didn't survive

Response by SPC(P) Jay Heenan made Jan 19 at 2016 9:47 PM

SPC(P) Jay Heenan — Tue, 19 Jan 2016 21:47:14 -0500

There is no magic formula for this, each marriage is different. Personally, I think it just comes down to whether or not both people want it to survive. It can be a lot of work at times and both of you need to be 100% in or it will never work for the long term. You need to be able to compromise at times, agree to disagree at times and be open and honest. Also, make time for yourselves.

Response by COL Randy Alicea made Jan 19 at 2016 10:38 PM

COL Randy Alicea — Tue, 19 Jan 2016 22:38:26 -0500

It takes a tuff and determined spouse to endure our military careers.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 20 at 2016 11:52 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 20 Jan 2016 11:52:49 -0500

When people are committed, show respect to each other and have patience and nerves of steel , thats how.

Response by MCPO Roger Collins made Jan 21 at 2016 10:34 AM

MCPO Roger Collins — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 10:34:03 -0500

The jury is still out, I have only been married for 53 years. Truth be told, there is a lot of advice that sounds good, but the bottom line is if you both care for each other to commit for life, things will work out well.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Jan 21 at 2016 2:44 PM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 14:44:04 -0500

Invest in the relationship at least the same amount if not more than you attempt to invest in your career.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Jan 21 at 2016 5:26 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 17:26:27 -0500

Give my wife all the money.

Response by MAJ David Vermillion made Jan 21 at 2016 5:40 PM

MAJ David Vermillion — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 17:40:03 -0500

Let me say the military life isn't for everyone. I can say for me and my wife she loved me and cared about where it would eventual lead in the long run. If your spouse doesn't see the finish line then things probably won't work out. I am not going to tell you anything you probably haven't heard before, but with the way society is today being all about what "I" want instead of want "We" want, trouble brews between couples and thus differences begin to surface. You have to want to be together and play for the same team.

Response by Brittany Harmon made Feb 2 at 2016 10:08 PM

Brittany Harmon — Tue, 02 Feb 2016 22:08:10 -0500

Honestly, communication and honesty are always key factors in marriages/relationships. The significant other also needs to be understanding and patient. The military can be really frustrating on the spouse's end, because it is always a hurry and wait game when it comes to answers. That mixed with lack of control and/or being able to contribute kinda makes us feel crippled and as if we can't help or do anything.

Response by SFC Dr. Joseph Finck, BS, MA, DSS made Feb 3 at 2016 8:46 AM

SFC Dr. Joseph Finck, BS, MA, DSS — Wed, 03 Feb 2016 08:46:25 -0500

SFC Private RallyPoint Member Several great tips listed here. Communication is key (as was stated) and balance is essential. You must have a balance between your professional (military) life and your personal life. The person with whom you are involved needs to know they come first and you have an obligation to go and do what the military directs. This may seem like a conflict, but it is resolvable through communication. While deployed write old fashioned letters, send emails, go to phone centers and call them. On holidays order gifts online and have them delivered so it feels more like the holiday it is. Understand you have stress and so does your partner. Be compassionate.

I am envious since you, NCO, as a Chaplain's Assistant have the greatest support for any issue you could have, a Chaplain. Which caveats into communication being not only between you and your partner but with your NCO support channel and if necessary your chain of command. the NCO support channel is there to allow Soldiers of all ages, grades, and ranks to benefit from the experience the older and hopefully wiser, but certainly life experienced NCOs and SNCOs so you may vent, discuss, learn, and grow into the next NCO and SNCO providing this counsel.

Response by 1SG John V. made Jun 26 at 2018 7:30 PM

1SG John V. — Tue, 26 Jun 2018 19:30:44 -0400

Communication.

Response by Brittany Groh made Jan 29 at 2020 4:13 PM

Brittany Groh — Wed, 29 Jan 2020 16:13:41 -0500

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