How do you help your children cope with your military duties?

RallyPoint Team — Wed, 15 Oct 2014 09:19:42 -0400

Our service members have about two million children. All families and children are different, but many military kids go through the same cycles and hardships. What has been the most difficult part of having a mother or father serving for your child? How do you help your child handle it?

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 15 at 2014 9:29 AM

MSG Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 15 Oct 2014 09:29:54 -0400

it is hard. who is raising our kids. i used to go in to work at 0500 and get home at 1930. sometimes later. all for what? i wasnt saving lives. i was just waiting on a meeting. seems that the guys above me didnt have a family at home. so a late evening was acceptable. hate the term "burning the midnight oil". if i was back down range and my job needed to be done right then and there, well i could understand it. but i am tired of seeing Soldiers kids being raised by a day care. i am tired of leaders using the family care plan as a babysitting service. im tired of 42 meetings a week saying the same thing.

Response by SFC James Barnes made Oct 15 at 2014 9:42 AM

SFC James Barnes — Wed, 15 Oct 2014 09:42:35 -0400

Having been a military child I can understand the not so fun side of all of it. So I do as much as I can with my kids and when I can't I have a great support group that helps out.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 15 at 2014 9:52 AM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 15 Oct 2014 09:52:18 -0400

My kids are fairly young, so they don't understand what I do, which is both good and bad. I started having kids later, so I plan on retiring before they are in high school (my only real coping strategy).

All that aside, I 100% agree with MSG Danny Ibarra that the Army needs to take a hard look at the culture of working hard, all the time. We ("big Army") talk a lot about building strong families, and I believe our leaders are serious about this issue.

The problem is the leaders beneath our strategic leaders who tacitly or actively endorse 60-70 hour weeks in Garrison, over and over again.

I'm sure this not only hurts families, but has to hurt our re-enlistments as well.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 15 at 2014 10:35 AM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 15 Oct 2014 10:35:27 -0400

My son is only 14 months but I do feel and agree with everything said. I've worked in BDE before and all the daily BUBs become redundant.

Response by SFC(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 15 at 2014 10:55 AM

SFC(P) Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 15 Oct 2014 10:55:32 -0400

I am lucky that my wife is able to be home with our kids to take care of them. I have spent half of my time in the Army away from home, which is about 2 years gone right now, but that is still something that the little ones notice. Mine are still young, 3 and 2, but they know where I am right now, and if someone asked them where their daddy is and what he is doing, they tell that person "My daddy is in Korea, defending our freedom."

I do think like MSG Private RallyPoint Member said, we should have more time with our families, and less time working 16-18 hours days for no reason.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 15 at 2014 11:03 AM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 15 Oct 2014 11:03:12 -0400

You must be up front with them, and make it so they understand at their level.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 15 at 2014 1:01 PM

SGT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 15 Oct 2014 13:01:26 -0400

I try to FaceTime and talk to my kids as much as possible when I'm gone. I miss them terribly and want them to know that I'm around for them. As much contact as possible.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 15 at 2014 1:25 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 15 Oct 2014 13:25:14 -0400

That is a sobering bit of information. Although, most of us parents already know this.

Response by CPT Chris Loomis made Oct 15 at 2014 1:25 PM

CPT Chris Loomis — Wed, 15 Oct 2014 13:25:17 -0400

As for me personally, I explain my sense of duty and selfless service to them. I explain my patriotism and devotion. I make them part of my service. I involve them. I also need to say that I have a "special needs" child that is autistic. So, there is also a need to take a different approach with them in how I help them through the difficulties.

This may sound a bit corny, but.... We all know who COL Hal Moore (USA Ret) is and we've probably all seen the movie, "We Were Soldiers." In the movie the character representing the Colonel is asked by a young Lieutenant in essence how he balanced Soldiering and fatherhood. The answer by COL Moore in the movie was, "I think being one makes you better at the other...." I opine that what he meant by this was that carrying many or all of the Army Leadership attributes and competencies into his home helped him be a better father and that bringing good fatherhood into his position and role in the Army helped him be a better leader.

Philosophically, that is my position also. As a father and leader I articulate my service to our country in a manner that positively influences my (beautiful) children.

Response by CPT Laurie H. made Oct 15 at 2014 1:46 PM

CPT Laurie H. — Wed, 15 Oct 2014 13:46:30 -0400

There's some interesting discussions about military children and their propensity to join the service in the TED talk Lt Col Private RallyPoint Member posted yesterday as well:

https://www.rallypoint.com/answers/great-new-ted-talk-from-stanford-professor-on-today-s-military

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyHivzwhRhc

Great new TED Talk from Stanford professor on today's military | RallyPoint

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyHivzwhRhc

Response by Maj Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 15 at 2014 3:10 PM

Maj Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 15 Oct 2014 15:10:10 -0400

Never getting into a groove. It is a life of adjustment and re-adjustment. It takes strength, patience, and perseverence.

Response by MSG Brad Sand made Oct 15 at 2014 3:33 PM

MSG Brad Sand — Wed, 15 Oct 2014 15:33:28 -0400

In truth, mine grew up not knowing anything different. Then I retired so they didn't have to put up with all the moves anymore.

Response by SGT(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 15 at 2014 3:42 PM

SGT(P) Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 15 Oct 2014 15:42:43 -0400

It is tough, but the little time we have together is of high quality. we go out and watch movies, I go to her school to have lunch with her and occasionally drop her off at school. I also surprise her with daddy daughter dates.

Response by SN Maureen McClain made Oct 15 at 2014 7:12 PM

SN Maureen McClain — Wed, 15 Oct 2014 19:12:58 -0400

We were both active, but not after we had kids. The kids never knew any different. Being in the Navy allowed us to stay put four years at a time. If you have a close family, you travel together as a team.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 15 at 2014 7:31 PM

SSG Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 15 Oct 2014 19:31:58 -0400

During my last deployment my children read the book "over there" and when we were on the phone we discussed the few topics inside the book.

Response by SMSgt James Williams made Oct 16 at 2014 9:46 AM

SMSgt James Williams — Thu, 16 Oct 2014 09:46:49 -0400

I have 2 kids, one is 8 and the other is 10, and its hard on them both. I have been away from home more than I care to be. My kids are no stranger to me being gone. That doesn't make it any easier on them each time I leave. My wife and I do our best to prepare them for the day I leave. That's the easy part. It's when I'm gone that is hard.
If I didn't have a strong wife who can deal with it as good as she does, I don't think it would go as smoothly as it has. She is the reason my kids cope as well as they do when I'm gone. She keeps them active in sports and other community activities. It helps keep their mind of it.

Each family copes in their own way. I know it's hard, and I wish there would be a day where none of us had to leave.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 30 at 2015 4:19 PM

MAJ Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 30 Jul 2015 16:19:21 -0400

For little kids, 2-6 years old. I wrote this book series to help explain what you do and why you have to be away. Check them out on amazon: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_2?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=rick+l+yost