How do you save your marriage while saving the world? The forgotten casualties of war; marriage and relationships.

2014-11-07T23:56:09-05:00

It's no secret that marriage is tough in the military. After a decade of war, one of the biggest casualties has been our marriages and relationships with our significant others. I would like to use this forum to give folks the opportunity to share how they made it through long separations with the added stress of war. Feel free to share as much as you like. You could help save a family and someone much heartache in the future by sharing your lessons learned; successes and failures.
1. How did you do it?
2. If you didn't make it, how did you fail?
3. What should you not do?
4. What's the best thing your spouse can do for you while you are away?
5. How do you avoid "deployment love?"
6. Is there a such thing as too much communication while away?
Please don't limit yourself to these questions they are just ideas. Please provide any insight you may have.

Response by SSG(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 8 at 2014 12:13 AM

2014-11-08T00:13:05-05:00

Well for me personally before I even go into a relationship I let her know that we are both going to have to make sacrifices in order to make it work. And that it will be hard, but with hard work you definitely make the long haul.

Response by CPT Richard Riley made Nov 8 at 2014 8:58 AM

2014-11-08T08:58:56-05:00

The concept of 'marriage' appears to be evolving in today's society. The traditional marriage vows are along the lines of: I, (name), take you (name), to be my lawfully wedded (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part. Being 'in love' may not be the same as loving someone forever.

Since you want a positive story, even though this is somewhat dated, My Father-in-law married at the age of 20 in his first enlistment in the Navy. Through Korea, Vietnam, and the ready reserves their marriage lasted over 50 years. They had 3 kids, went through multiple ports, yet managed to stay together & joined at the hip for all those years. While they were both alive it was just about impossible to see one without the other. Was it a 'different time' yes, but the basics were the same, the marriage stresses were similar. Have to hand it to them and appreciate that 'til death do us part' was factual for them - and a real promise they made one another. Wish I could say the same applied to me, but I had to make a mis-step before marrying his daughter. We've been together for over 21 years & 6 kids later we're still an item. Love her to death & would not trade her for anything!

What I've learned over those years is to be happy and satisfied with what I have, because even if the grass 'looks greener' somewhere else, it still has weeds, has to be cared for and nurtured, and takes work on both sides to be viable. Realize that when you decided to 'marry' your chosen, you trusted them. You communicated unabated with them.

Communication and trust are the #1&2 things in a marriage that should stand for eternity. Is it always easy - heck no, but it's where you started and you should always strive to keep it that way. Not to devalue #3 any, but your parents taught you honesty is always the best policy and in a marriage, being honest every day keeps you both front and center with each other. Just as your marriage evolves over time as you're together, your love for each other will also evolve with you. You'll only be a newlywed once but you can be a husband/wife forever.

Response by SSG Robert Burns made Nov 8 at 2014 11:18 AM

2014-11-08T11:18:21-05:00

Is it possible to Skype or communicate too much while deployed to the point that it actually hurts your relationship?

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 8 at 2014 11:47 AM

2014-11-08T11:47:46-05:00

1. How did you do it?
Honesty and communication. Plain and simple.

2. If you didn't make it, how did you fail?
N/A

3. What should you not do?
Do not fall victim to the trap. Distance is horrible, and it can kill. Temptation will be around, ALL over the place. Avoid it at all costs.

4. What's the best thing your spouse can do for you while you are away?
Your schedule may be fluxed, unpredictable, etc. while you are away. Ensure there is a way to get a hold of them at all times, which shouldn't be too difficult with technology being what it is.

5. How do you avoid "deployment love?"
It shouldn't be too difficult, if you are truly devoted to your spouse.

6. Is there a such thing as too much communication while away?
Not in my opinion.

One of the things my spouse and I do is watch movies/TV shows together. It is one of the things we do together at home, so we continue it while I am gone. I ensure I have a hard drive with whatever we are currently watching/going to watch, we watch them one day and talk about them the next time we communicate, give opinions of what we watched, and then do it again. It is a small, simple means to keep connected and keep things as "normal" as possible.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 8 at 2014 12:56 PM

2014-11-08T12:56:16-05:00

Maintaining an intimate bond with your partner while living miles apart is a challenge. In order to make this circumstance more workable, a couple should establish clear expectations and boundaries in order to stay connected. Calling or Skype everyday, although great in concept, it's not just realistic. With my wife, I was calling everyday, not to be nosy but doing it because I was in far away place and reassuring her everything was alright. She got annoyed quickly and here's why. It didn't give us the opportunity to share things with each other in a more meaningful way. We both had work schedules, she had her own things she needed to get done, places to go, people to see etc. Our boundary was we set a time each week for me to call, it gave us the opportunity to share our events over the week, it gave us a lot more to talk about.

Along the same lines, give your partner every reason to trust you. Don’t put yourself in risky situations and keep independent tendencies in check. Be sure to use discretion when spending time with members of the opposite sex and remind yourself that you are in a relationship even when your partner is somewhere else. When in doubt, ask yourself this: would this situation make your partner uncomfortable? If the answer is yes, you’d be smart to avoid anything similar in the future.

And as corny as it sounds, yea I read the 5 Love Languages, it helped, really it did.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 8 at 2014 8:10 PM

2014-11-08T20:10:03-05:00

I am wondering myself as to how my marriage is still going. One thing for sure, ever since my first tour in 06 I haven't been the same and now I feel like I am just hanging by a hair before it breaks apart. However I do believe that a spouse who has been there for me and in and out of deployments makes all the difference. She loves me however I am having a tough time showing love myself. To answer some of your questions: communication is the key to success and self awareness of your behavior will help to keep it going. Admitting that you are wrong and listening helps too. I hope I make sense.

Response by SSG Jon Turner made Nov 9 at 2014 10:42 AM

2014-11-09T10:42:17-05:00

Much much prayer.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 9 at 2014 5:03 PM

2014-11-09T17:03:29-05:00

Everyone has already made the best suggestion, communication.

I am writing to state that one of our biggest casualties is not divorce, the Army's divorce rate is about 3.5% vs. 3.6% for the US. Statistically they are the same.

http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/marriage-divorce.htm

At the end of the day, if you have a bad relationship prior to a deployment I'm sure leaving doesn't help. But I don't think there is real evidence that deploying alone ends a more than normal amount of marriages.

FastStats - Marriage and Divorce

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 27 at 2014 2:03 PM

2014-12-27T14:03:51-05:00

Well I must say a lot of communication that is the key. You have to face embarrassment from your boys/squad and go talk to your wife/girl every other day if you don't then it's simple another man will it will only be so long before she breaks. Been on both sides of this already trying to convince my cousins husband not to cheat on her while she was deployed. Also sometimes mission dictates as well. What I do I send a lot of xxx pictures and let her know that she is the reason I'm going to the gym!

Response by Sgt Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 14 at 2015 4:38 PM

2015-09-14T16:38:19-04:00

it's hard on both sides for you if you leave for months at a time leaving the relationship on pause.
1. keep in constant contact even if that means good o'l snail mail.
2. N/A.
3. Don't think just because your gone the relationship is on pause and will not have changed by the time that you come back.
4. it's not what your spouse can do for you, when your married you are a team and it's more what you can do for each other. remember when you are married its not you and me it's us.
5. Never heard of deployment love so I cant comment on it.
6. yes and no. every relationship is different. me and my wife are very secular so we didn't need that much communication once a week or so. but others are more comm heavy especially new relationships and first deployments.

all in all I'd have to say just remember that the other person still exists and acknowledge them no matter how much you may have to go out of your way.

Response by Selma Espinosa made Feb 6 at 2021 4:46 AM

2021-02-06T04:46:25-05:00

My name is Selma Espinosa I'm a 46 years old mother with 3 adorable kids and I have been married for 17 years now. After the birth of our last daughter 2 years ago, I noticed something about my husband that was completely different. He comes home late every night, sleeps on the couch never in the bedroom with me and doesn't give attention to me or the kids. I remember the night he came home drunk and told me he was no longer attracted to me after I had kids.I cried myself to sleep that night, I could not believe that the man I have loved all my life will someday stopped loving me. Just few days to our wedding anniversary, he stopped coming home and would not take my calls. I had to talk to a friend and she suggested I contact a spell caster who could help me bring back his love and attention. It was the first time I heard such stuff existed, I give it a try with high expectations. After my contact with the Priest spellcaster, he helped me cast a spell that made my husband return home to me and our kids. I know a lot of people need this to help them stay happy in their marriages. You can contact Priest Obongibok let him help you; write him on email [login to see] or WhatsApp + [login to see]

Response by Cpl Vic Burk made Feb 6 at 2021 7:12 PM

2021-02-06T19:12:11-05:00

I didn't have that problem since I wasn't married when I was on active duty but I did lose a wonderful girl after I went to Vietnam. I got the Dear John that never arrived. It hurt; I had nobody else, not even family to fall back on. I leaned on my buddies a lot to help me get through it and the overwhelming feeling that I didn't care what happened to me. How did I fail, honestly I don't have a clue other than we were both young and she wasn't willing to wait for her Marine to return while at the same time wondering if he would ever return. And if I did return, in what condition.

Both partners have to want to make it work during deployment and be committed to making it work. Constant communication is a must with a continuous reinforcement of your commitment to keeping your family together through thick and thin. Personal snail mail letters, cards (not e-cards), little token souvenirs are all things that say you still love her and you want it to work. Stay true to your loved one no matter what temptations come along your path! When you return, take her on a vacation to someplace SHE wants to go and cater to her like she is a princess.

Response by Lt Col Charlie Brown made Feb 7 at 2021 7:35 AM

2021-02-07T07:35:40-05:00

We were both serving in the Air Force. We wrote LOTS of letters, called when we could. Anything that the other couldn't do something about, we didn't share. So if there was a leak and he was gone, I didn't tell him, I got it fixed. When he locked himself out, he didn't tell me because I was deployed elsewhere. Later these became the funny "while you were gone stories"
Send lots of cards and letters, send care packages. Keep an upbeat tone. Find a trusted person to confide the other stuff to that is located where you are but make that person either a chaplain or someone you have no physical attraction to.

Response by Lt Col Jim Coe made Feb 7 at 2021 9:46 AM

2021-02-07T09:46:11-05:00

Let me say up front that my military career didn’t include extended deployments or remote assignments. I did deploy for three months at a time early in my time in service. At that time, we had 2 or 3 little kids. This was also before the internet and cell phones. Later in life I spent about a year in the WDC area while my wife stayed in IL. I was a private sector employee and we had e-mail.

Communication was key. But knowing how your spouse wants to communicate is very important. On my first deployment I wrote home every few days telling about the places to which we were flying. She was stuck at home with three little kids. It wasn’t what she needed to hear. We were allowed a monthly call home using a phone patch through the Government system. Wife liked that, but duration was limited. Our marriage survived through her strength and persistence.

Later on we emailed every day. And as cell phones became widely available we talked before dinner every night.

Avoid deployment romance? Never spend time alone with a person of the opposite sex outside of work.