How does one deal with the loss of a military buddy to suicide?

CPL Aaron Cottingham — Wed, 29 Jul 2015 06:31:12 -0400

It is unknown for a person of the military background, to ever show weakness. . However I have lost a very close friend of mine. . A fellow Vet, who also had PTSD. . My triggers have intensified lately, and my friends fear I may go the same route.
It is unfair to think my doctors don't know what I'm going through, but at the same time I know that they don't. . I'm not fishing for comments, or even reactions, just simple opinions, of what I should do.

Response by MAJ Robert (Bob) Petrarca made Jul 29 at 2015 6:43 AM

MAJ Robert (Bob) Petrarca — Wed, 29 Jul 2015 06:43:02 -0400

I'm very sorry for your loss. First off seek professional counseling to deal with your emotions. They are natural reactions and simply part of being human, not a sign of weakness. Your doctors may not show it unless you specifically ask, probably know more than you think. Prepare yourself to open up and let it out. Sometimes you may think an event or issue is unrelated to your trauma and feelings but when you discuss it all it may help. Admitting you need help is a sign of strength because you are telling yourself you want to get through this bad time and move on. Here on RallyPoint you'll find many that care and are willing to lend a hand.

Response by Capt Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 29 at 2015 7:11 AM

Capt Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 29 Jul 2015 07:11:38 -0400

Don't walk this road alone.

You wouldn't attack the enemy by yourself. And you don't need to do this alone.

Get help, get professional help. It makes life easier. It doesn't make the problem go away, but it can and will become more bearable.

Response by SSgt Alex Robinson made Jul 29 at 2015 8:05 AM

SSgt Alex Robinson — Wed, 29 Jul 2015 08:05:24 -0400

It's hard. Seek the help of clergy or a mental health professional if you need. Talk with family. Grieve. Give it time. The wounds won't heal immediately but give it time.

Response by Cpl Jeff N. made Jul 29 at 2015 8:06 AM

Cpl Jeff N. — Wed, 29 Jul 2015 08:06:13 -0400

First, know that you are not alone in dealing with the suicide of friends. I suspect many here are in the same/similar position you are. I have had two friends I served with commit suicide over the years. The hardest part to deal with is that I clearly did not do enough to make a difference for them.

I let time and distance allow us to drift apart over many years. I own that, no one else. It makes me sick when I think about how I might have helped them, engaged them etc. but I cannot change what is done. Neither can you. You can change the how you engage today and going forward.

Redouble your efforts to reach out to other friends, make sure they are okay. Use this as a learning experience and a as a way to motivate you to engage other friends.

Response by CMSgt Mark Schubert made Jul 29 at 2015 8:06 AM

CMSgt Mark Schubert — Wed, 29 Jul 2015 08:06:35 -0400

HI CPL Aaron Cottingham!
First of all - I'm so sorry to hear you are going thru this - you are asking for help - which is a great thing to do!!! Keep doing that. Also - keep this number handy - store it in your phone - Veterans Crisis hotline [login to see] - press 1 - you will be connected with a live person in 30 seconds or less (I just called it myself to verify). Also - please, please please tell someone how you are feeling - if you can't figure out who to tell, PM your phone number and I'll call you.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Jul 29 at 2015 10:30 AM

1SG Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 29 Jul 2015 10:30:08 -0400

Ask your self why your friend chose to end his life.
Do you see yourself in the mirror? You say your friends fear for your safety. Listen to them. They see things you may not.
If you see yourself as having suicidal thoughts, your first step is to talk about it with someone you trust, preferably someone qualified to help. Second, take steps to avoid making an impulsive decision. Cut back on alcohol intake. Put your guns away. Avoid stressful situations.

I am very sorry that you have this loss in your life. Don't face this alone. You are a valued member of our team. Rely on the strength of your support network while you need it. You will be a better man for it.

Response by SFC Darrell Woods made Jul 29 at 2015 1:01 PM

SFC Darrell Woods — Wed, 29 Jul 2015 13:01:06 -0400

Aaron I am sorry to hear about your brother. To me that is what we are brothers. I Know we have never meet, however I do Know that we have a common experience that many do or even could share. I have not lost any personal brothers that have gone by the way of the 23 myself so I can't even act like I Know what you are going through on that. What I can relate to is fear of doing it yourself. I have been afraid that I myself May join those 23. I am now moving forward with my life. I am willing to talk personally anytime you need. We can keep each other away from that number. It does not fit us veterans.

Response by Maj Kim Patterson made Jul 29 at 2015 1:53 PM

Maj Kim Patterson — Wed, 29 Jul 2015 13:53:36 -0400

First, understand that there was nothing you could have done to stop it. I've had extensive experience professionally and sadly, personally. Next, make sure you take care of yourself especially the basics of rest, stress and hunger. It is not easy to lose a brother or friend and that is going to take time. If you feel yourself having thoughts of going down the same road, call the crisis line, talk to a chaplain or similar person who is sworn to hold confidentially until you make an active statement regarding self harm. I also encourage you to not isolate. When we isolate, it is easy to lose perspective and dwell. Feeling alone and hopeless are almost a sure way down that same dark path. Let your friends carry you for while and ask for help. You would have wanted the same for your friend and gladly provided it day or night.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Jul 29 at 2015 5:47 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Wed, 29 Jul 2015 17:47:14 -0400

I must admit I tried to in the darkest moments in my life, then I realized if I was successful I would destroy the family. I have gotten better and what brings me some semblance of joy is helping other veterans and people who need help. I became the quartering party for others.

Response by Sgt Spencer Sikder made Jul 30 at 2015 2:07 PM

Sgt Spencer Sikder — Thu, 30 Jul 2015 14:07:01 -0400

Many have been spot on with their comments. Capt Don Porter's comment I think sums it up eloquently, "Don't walk this road alone." My sailor brother-in-law, sought help too late in his depression. That very day when those he sought to speak with, including me, were not at the phone when he called obviously made him feel lonely. It's been 29 years and the pain still haunts me. It's been 19 years since my father-in-law, who couldn't endure the pain sought to take the same way out. It's that pain that drives me to ensure I don't leave anyone I love with the same agony. I believe knowing these two, if they had the foresight to see how their actions would affect not only their family, but their friends, I'm confident that they would not have done their deed. When I reflect upon my life with my wife, each and every time we had some overwhelming challenge that we didn't think we could overcome, we did. When we think about those challenges and how we survived, it gives us strength to know that we can overcome anything that is thrown our way. While I think Maj Kim Patterson is accurate in her comment that when someone is committed there is nothing we can do to stop it, I hope, intervention by me, or by someone who is professionally trained in this area can make a difference.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Jul 30 at 2015 3:50 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Thu, 30 Jul 2015 15:50:28 -0400

I would also recommend therapy and keep phone numbers of buddies should you need help. You can message me if you want to as well. We do care about you.

Response by SPC Joseph Jones made Aug 1 at 2015 2:26 AM

SPC Joseph Jones — Sat, 01 Aug 2015 02:26:53 -0400

Hey man every suicide is bad, duh but every one is different. Personally I haven't dealt with them. I mean I know some one who has taken there own life and that was a horrible choice they could make but overall. ... I haven't dealt with it. To be honest I've been numb for along time and I haven't really felt much sympathy or compassion since I came back almost 4 years ago. I don't have an awnser for ya or a tip. Just what ever you do make sure some one is there to talk to while you do it.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Aug 3 at 2015 4:33 PM

MAJ Ken Landgren — Mon, 03 Aug 2015 16:33:27 -0400

How r u doing buddy?

Response by SSG Dwight Amey MSA, MSL, BS, AS made Dec 28 at 2015 7:44 AM

SSG Dwight Amey MSA, MSL, BS, AS — Mon, 28 Dec 2015 07:44:26 -0500

CPL Aaron Cottingham, I lost a good co worker this year who was my mentor and good friend I could call on anytime for anything. We both dealt with ptsd and depression. When he left us I was numb. Here is what I did.
I first continued to see my psychologist each week just as I did prior. Second, I reached out to the Lord Jesus Christ to carry my hurt frustration, confusion, and general feeling that I too have no hope. Completely surrounded myself with my Support Team this includes my church body family, doctors at the VA, extended family. I try to reach out and make friends especially other veterans. We must take care of each other. Civilians sometimes get over whelmed dealing with our ptsd symptoms and I completely understand.
Finally, I decided that just like the fallen Soldiers I deployed with that did not survive my 50 months in Iraq... I must live well or their sacrifice to secure the lifestyle we all fight for is in vain. I cannot let them down.
Well I also cannot do it on my own and you cannot do it either do not even try. Never be alone, never be alone my friend. My email is [login to see] . email me I will respond always brother. Take it one step at a time bro. I know it sucks!

God's Blessings