Impending divorce & the military...child involved.

PFC Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 10 Aug 2014 08:29:11 -0400

Okay. So my wife and I of 2+ years, we have a son who is about to be 2, are on the cusp of divorce over (relatively) small stuff.

Now, I'm not here to air my dirty laundry, I don't do that crap. BUT, I need to know what's up in the event we do split while I'm deployed over here in Kosovo. I don't want a divorce, so like always, I fight for the relationship to continue and thrive on. But I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting every time she gets a bug up her ass and she decides she wants out.

I love her, I love my son, and everything I've done for the last two years has been done solely for the both of them.

They're the whole reason I'm in uniform.
_______________

I have a car (only in my name) and furniture within our apartment that are both on loans.

To the point. In the event we do split, what are my rights, what would you do/what have you done, and how did it work out?

How much did it cost, how long did it take, and are there any pro-military divorce lawyers that won't completely fuck me.
(because practically every state is sympathetic to women with children, regardless of whether they are prostitutes or drug lords.)

Also, I realize that a single soldier with a toddler and full custody is not only unlikely, but a formidable experience as well, were it to actually happen. So until I'm a civilian with a stable home and job, full custody is a no-go.
I'd file for joint. What else am I missing? OH. Additionally, I owe her half my paycheck until I'm out, right? How does this work?

Please, y'all, I really do not want to go through this. I will admit I'm scared of change in this sense. (I'll PCS and deploy all day, but life-changing experience like this freezes my brain and I just want to change the subject and pretend it's not real.)

I need your help.

Thanks.
~PFC Boyd

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 10 at 2014 9:18 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 10 Aug 2014 09:18:26 -0400

Well, divorce varies from person to person and also from place to place. I, myself, am divorce, but I lucked out with mine if you want to call it that. There was a guy that I was deployed with who's wife was back at home station and worked at our local courthouse. I had heard that she assisted in getting another couple's divorce settled while we were in country, so I talked to him about it. I got her contact information, she responded with the information she would need to get our paperwork started, she did all the paperwork for me and my husband at the time, sent it out to us for signature, and that was the end of that. Our divorce was final after 60 days upon returning back to Fort Riley. She agreed to do it all for $560, but I ended up paying her $600 even.

Getting divorced is always easier when it's uncontested. And it's even easier when nothing is shared. My husband and I didn't have children, or anything in eachothers' names, so it didn't require too much work in order to get everything situated.

If I were you, I would definitely get with your unit's legal representative if you haven't already that way they can go over some of the laws that are local to you and your spouse. They can probably assist in providing good contacts for lawyers who have decent recommendations from other service members.

Good luck and I'm sorry to hear things aren't working out for you and your spouse.

Response by MAJ Robert (Bob) Petrarca made Aug 10 at 2014 7:46 PM

MAJ Robert (Bob) Petrarca — Sun, 10 Aug 2014 19:46:55 -0400

PFC Boyd, Have you and your wife been to marriage counseling? Have you done everything you can to work this out? If it has to come to a divorce the first thing you need is a family care plan to insure your son is looked after in the event of you being deployed. If its at all possibly, try to end your marriage amicably for the benefit of your son. Best of luck in resolving your situation.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 10 at 2014 9:32 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Sun, 10 Aug 2014 21:32:37 -0400

Please hear me out on this: try to save your marriage like your kid's life depends on it. I am one of those Army moms you may have heard about who's ex fought for custody on the grounds of deployment - and was successful. We ended our marriage amicably. The kids were to join me at JBLM upon my return. Right before I got on the bird, he had a change of heart. He met a woman 10 years younger than us who wanted children...my children...and she didn't want to share. It has been over 5 years and I am still constantly in court...$80,000+ in legal fees, or in other words, every cent I was making because I was unwilling to let him have full custody. We were just in court on the 30th where he successfully got the kids' passports revoked so that I could not travel overseas with the kids based on the shooting down of the Malaysian Airways flight. That is the level of crazy I am dealing with from the ex and the courts.

You're "tired of fighting every time she gets a bug up her ass?" Really??? Because you are now signing up to fight her every time she gets a bug up her ass in a court room using your hard earned money. Does she have a solid job? Guess what? You do! What if you have to pay your attorney *and* her legal fees? Is that really better than working on your marriage? BIG HINT: IT'S NOT! Are you prepared to pay all the legal fees and child support? Are you ready to be ordered help her pay for school on top of it...because that could happen too. Wouldn't you rather fix your marriage so you can support your kid and your wife and accomplished this all together?

Talk to JAG to get advice on how to set up a financial firewall in case the worst comes to worst, then see the CH. Tell him you want a copy of "The 5 Love Languages." It is a quick read and is a good start until you can get into professional marriage counseling. It is so much better than spending half your life without your son. You had to say goodbye to deploy, I have to say goodbye *constantly!*

[And as a side note that I failed to consider, at some point your wife will meet another man (or other men) and they will become part of the equation, and you will have absolutely no control over what kind of person he is or how he treats your son...or his relatives and how they treat your son. Please think this over, and then think it over again. It will be a tough fight, but nothing matters more.]

It is possible that if your marriage survives this crisis, things could be better than ever. I wouldn't know. I didn't stick it out, and the pain of throwing in the towel is worse than anything that you could ever imagine. Please be cautious about consulting a divorce attorney (I'm not talking about JAG). It's like asking a car salesman if you need a new car. He will say that not only do you need a car but you need it right away. This is because he only gets paid if you buy a car from him. He is not going to tell you to hang on to your current car and he will encourage you to focus on what is wrong with your current car and tell you what a great deal he can get you on a trade.

Please try and try hard to fix things. Let me know if there is anything I can do.

Response by TSgt Terry Hudson made Aug 11 at 2014 5:58 AM

TSgt Terry Hudson — Mon, 11 Aug 2014 05:58:32 -0400

I really think you should try to work things out! Me and my wife have been through a lot. Mainly on me, I've F****d up a couple of times! We've been parked outside the court house ready to get a divorce but we really felt like we could work it out. We have worked things out and we have both learned things. Marriage is job that requires time and patience. You made a commitment so man up and work it out. Sit down and work out the issues out come to comprises, that includes agreeing to disagree. More importantly you little one! Try to make things work for him! Remember why you guys got married in the first place and put your son on top of that. I think things will work out!

Response by CPT Richard Riley made Aug 11 at 2014 8:01 AM

CPT Richard Riley — Mon, 11 Aug 2014 08:01:22 -0400

Marriage is so much more than two people living under one roof. Marriage is a two way street that you decided to embark on. There had to be a reason why you both decided to say "I do" in the first place ... what was that? Can you remember why you decided to take that step?
One of the biggest hurdles many couples contend with is 'communication'. When you stop talking about things that leaves the door open to all kinds of conjecture. You begin to over-think the little things and silly stupid things all of a sudden become almost insurmountable. You begin to 'assume' all sorts of stuff that may or may not be true. It helps to think about what you're going to say before the words come out of your mouth. That is not always easy, but it prevents something being said that you have no way of taking back once it's out there.
Talking to the Chaplin costs nothing. The fact that you're in theater and she is conus complicates things but is still doable. It takes two people to mess things up (it's never 100% 1 person's fault) and it takes two people to work very hard to fix it. There is no way to fix a marriage with only one spouse working on it.
All this going on and you factor in the child. You and your wife loved each other enough to bring this little boy into the world and all he knows is that you are his dad and she is his mom. A two year old's world is not that big but it revolves around mom and dad. With this in mind mom and dad have to be the adults here and work hard to be the best parents they can for this little boy.
You have an abundance of good information from many sources here. Listen, digest it, and make the best decisions you can for your family. Your little boy depends on that. Both you and your wife have to understand that two way street and communication is the foundation to that little boys entire world.

Best of luck to you both for all the hard work you have ahead.

Response by MAJ Derrick J. made Aug 11 at 2014 11:31 AM

MAJ Derrick J. — Mon, 11 Aug 2014 11:31:34 -0400

Son, you ned to try your hardest to keep it together - I'm a MArriage & Family Therapist. Message me here with your email address and I can guide you (and her) through this if she is willing.

I'm sure that her issues are much deeper than getting "bug up her ass," and I can speak to those issues you cannot touch.

Response by SFC Mark Merino made Aug 12 at 2014 4:02 AM

SFC Mark Merino — Tue, 12 Aug 2014 04:02:38 -0400

I paid $30K. Be careful. These clowns love to file frivolous motions. If you can work things out in mediation it will save you a wad! You will get what you pay for so watch out. The lawyers you can easily afford are probably going to get stomped in the courtroom. Don't get divorced in Pinal County, AZ like me. Combat means PTSD and PTSD is not curable so it is better to give custody of the kids to an unemployed mom who refuses to work. This is definitely the place to ask. Other helpful people are AW2 case managers since they are swamped with requests for lawyer advice. They have a great data base of info. There are also advocacy groups for men out there. These guys have usually been burned pretty good and will fight for you with passion. Be civil with the spouse to the point of you wanting to run face first into a brick wall. All texts and emails ARE admissible and can easily be twisted and spun into "evidence" so assume you are always being baited. Be very timely with requested documents. Don't over-exaggerate your expenses when you fill out your financial statements. Don't fight over "stuff"....it is all replaceable and will usually cost more to fight to keep it. Make all payments on community property, even if she takes off with the sole vehicle that is in your name only, etc. Get ready to file bankruptcy a well. If you aren't dependent on a security clearance you will survive. It almost goes hand in hand with divorce when you make enlisted pay. I won't sugar coat it my friend. Things are about to SUCK. Hold your head high and don't get sucked into the drama and games. Emotions are going to run out of control and you need to be a rock. Prayers from AZ. You got this.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Aug 12 at 2014 10:47 AM

MAJ Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 12 Aug 2014 10:47:14 -0400

BREAK BREAK BREAK!!! You do not owe HER anything. You have a responsibility to your child and that's all. Worst case scenario, you need to appoint someone you trust (mother,father) with power of attorney while you are gone. Coming from someone who experienced a similar situation, this could turn out very bad for you. It seems that people can do certain things because, in their mind, it's best for the child when it only benefits them. Do not give her access to your bank account either!!!!! Allow whomever you appoint as your POA to ensure bills are paid and your child is taken care of. PLEASE do not become another statistic.

Response by TSgt Kevin Buccola made Jan 15 at 2015 2:25 PM

TSgt Kevin Buccola — Thu, 15 Jan 2015 14:25:53 -0500

From one who went through the divorce thing - if you can fix your marriage do it. Do whatever it takes to be a happy family.

On a personal note - My ex cheated - My lawyer told me straight up that i was gonna lose if I went to court because I was the sole provider. There were no children involved and I still lost. We did a dissolution of marriage and agreed on who gets what. Needless to say I wanted nothing and left with only 3 items. Remember this a divorce decree means absolutely nothing to creditors. My ex was supposed to pay her bills - well they came to me and when it was all said and done some 85,000 in credit card debt that I knew nothing about was now mine.

In short IF YOU CAN COMMUNICATE AND FIX YOUR MARRIAGE...I wish you only the best.

Response by SFC(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 26 at 2015 11:02 PM

SFC(P) Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 26 Nov 2015 23:02:30 -0500

Obviously you have serious issues in your relationship. I cannot say that she does not love you, Even though your information is peripherally detail it still lacks the in-depth information to give a true nail-on-the-head counsel.
I know you are tired, but is she also tired?
Does she still love you?
Does she want an out of the relationship?
There are lots more questions to be asked but asking them head-long often the other person would give a compromised emotional answer.

So in a nut-shell, I believe both of you know you have issues and need to see a Marriage Counselor. If you are both practitioners of a Religious faith you may want to see a counselor who has that religious background as that will be the cheapest route and the LPC experience of a marriage counselor will help but usually expensive.

So it's too early to talk about divorce, as that will never resolve the fact that both of you may actually be un-informed as to what a marriage really entails. Your wife may just be feeling the same way as you, and may really want to work things out. You are both burnt out from trying too much with little knowledge of how to.

Recommendation: Joint Education on Marriage issues, Visit MWR website

(http://www.militaryonesource.mil/family-and-relationships/marriage)

and you may both be able to attend a free resort to try to bond, and also you definitely need a Counselor, at least to get both of you on the same page and develop a progressive plan towards what both of you want.
At this point the child should not be the reason for you to stay married or get divorced, either way the child will survive with some scratches of course. But the child will benefit more if you both get on the same page. That could help to make your divorce more amicable if that becomes the inevitable route.

I'd keep you and yours in my prayers. Do not hesitate to reach out. Good luck.

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Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Dec 31 at 2015 12:00 PM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 31 Dec 2015 12:00:02 -0500

from a practical standpoint, you are gonna get hosed if you get divorced. In the vast majority of the cases the wife gets a much better deal. she is gonna get custody of your kid, she is gonna get half your paycheck in child support, she is gonna get half of what's left in alimony. You are gonna get stuck with all the debt. hate to be a downer, but that is simply how it works in most cases. Buddy of mine caught his wife cheating on him (had her on video doing the deed with another guy in their house in their bed) and she still got the kids, house, child support, alimony, etc. And he ended up living in a trailer in his parent's back yard.

Response by LTC Jason Mackay made Aug 14 at 2018 10:40 PM

LTC Jason Mackay — Tue, 14 Aug 2018 22:40:15 -0400

Lots of good advice here. Look at AR600-99 to see what your interim obligations would be.