Should the military mandate pre-marital counseling for service members?

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 27 Apr 2016 12:22:46 -0400

Do you think the military should require any service member that is getting married for the first time to receive a counseling to discuss the challenges of being married in the military and how to protect themselves in the event the marriage fails?

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 27 at 2016 12:25 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 27 Apr 2016 12:25:15 -0400

If you have a Chaplain marry you, then he/she will have a counseling session with the both of you prior. Ours did.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 27 at 2016 12:40 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 27 Apr 2016 12:40:50 -0400

I dont think it should be a requirement, but maybe offer up a service for it....much like the financial readiness classes that are offered. I had a soldier that was dating someone who had no idea what military life was like. I had to have countless....and i mean countless conversations with this young lady about how the military operates. She literally thought he was lying about the simplest things. I was his alibi for so much stuff. But she eventually learned what she needed to and i think that they have been married for going on 6+ years.

Response by Cpl Justin Goolsby made Apr 27 at 2016 12:47 PM

Cpl Justin Goolsby — Wed, 27 Apr 2016 12:47:27 -0400

Yes. I've seen too many rush into marriage simply to get out of the barracks. Then you've got cheating spouses on even the shortest detachments. Unhappy home life because the spouse didn't realize they'd be forced to move away from family and friends.

Too many people jump in without thinking of the full ramifications of the military lifestyle.

Response by LCpl Bryan Sundell made Apr 27 at 2016 1:15 PM

LCpl Bryan Sundell — Wed, 27 Apr 2016 13:15:00 -0400

100% yes, when I married my wife while in the USMC they made me get permission from my CO, the CO said no you need to see the BCO. BCO said see the chaplain then he finally approved. I only knew my wife for 5 months before we married. We are still married today 27 years later however if you spouse is non military they have no idea what they are in store for and feel that counseling should be provided to help protect the service member and educate the future spouse what she is signing up for.

Response by SGT(P) Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 27 at 2016 1:17 PM

SGT(P) Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 27 Apr 2016 13:17:26 -0400

SFC Private RallyPoint Member I married before joining and still the Pastor who married us asked us to get counseling and show her proof before marrying us. It was something that although we didn't thought we needed, was very helpful.

Response by Lt Col Jim Coe made Apr 27 at 2016 1:27 PM

Lt Col Jim Coe — Wed, 27 Apr 2016 13:27:20 -0400

Yes! Mandatory for SM under 30 or previously divorced and available for everybody else.

Response by SGM Erik Marquez made Apr 27 at 2016 1:37 PM

SGM Erik Marquez — Wed, 27 Apr 2016 13:37:06 -0400

I would say a good leadership team, from Team to company commander would make darn sure the opportunity is there, offered, reminded, and teh SM in question is made very aware of the benefits of such counseling and the opportunity to attend with no negitive repercussions (ie, sure you can go to pre marriage counseling this week. we will do your TA50 layout this weekend at 0400 )

Response by SCPO David Lockwood made Apr 27 at 2016 1:59 PM

SCPO David Lockwood — Wed, 27 Apr 2016 13:59:46 -0400

Back in the day you would have to run a request chit and ask permission. Then there was a check list that must be completed before it was approved. This process can not prevent you from getting married but without an approved chit on file with disbursing and personnel you or your spouse would not be entitled to any benefits i.e. Commissary, Exchange, Medical, Dental and BAH to name a few.

Response by SPC Rory J. Mattheisen made Apr 27 at 2016 2:47 PM

SPC Rory J. Mattheisen — Wed, 27 Apr 2016 14:47:21 -0400

No, I think its is time for adults to start acting like adults again.

Response by LTC Paul Labrador made Apr 27 at 2016 4:08 PM

LTC Paul Labrador — Wed, 27 Apr 2016 16:08:54 -0400

IMHO, yes.

Response by SPC Paul Jennings, J.D. made Apr 27 at 2016 4:34 PM

SPC Paul Jennings, J.D. — Wed, 27 Apr 2016 16:34:17 -0400

There is a lot of deference given to the military, but something tells me that a government endorsement that otherwise restricts marriage would never fly.

Response by CSM Carl Cunningham made Apr 27 at 2016 4:35 PM

CSM Carl Cunningham — Wed, 27 Apr 2016 16:35:41 -0400

I always have as a leader. As soon as I hear, I sit them down and give a written counseling. Now, I encourage both parties to see the Chaplain but I can only make the Soldier go.....and I do.

Response by CAPT Kevin B. made Apr 27 at 2016 4:52 PM

CAPT Kevin B. — Wed, 27 Apr 2016 16:52:54 -0400

I always recommend counseling to help things off to a great start. Cheap investment on time and payback is high. Back in the day, a junior ENL had to fill out a Special Request chit which went up the CoC to the Skipper to get permission to marry. That was a great help in tamping down the number of Subic Honeys and has saved many a sailor's wallet. There was also a military concern that dependents = money. I believe this requirement faded into history as did Bunker C fuel oil.

Response by Lt Col Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 27 at 2016 5:10 PM

Lt Col Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 27 Apr 2016 17:10:16 -0400

This would be such a hard policy to enforce, so I hesitate to say premarital counseling should be required. That said...I think it should be highly-encouraged. Most military chaplains require couples to get premarital counseling before they'll agree to marry them. They do this for three reasons: 1), it will help the couple build a successful marriage; 2) many chaplains are expected by their faith group to require it; 3) it prevents every "Snuffy" under the sun from trying to use the chaplain for a quickie wedding. All that said: the counseling is only useful to the couple if they take it seriously. I will often ask the question of a couple in our first session: "Do you know what the #1 cause of divorce is?" After they give the typical responses (communication, money, etc.), I will answer: "Marriage! 100% of those who get divorced are married. So by getting married, you'll put yourself at risk of divorce." This usually sobers the couple up, because for most engaged couples the notion of divorce is unthinkable.

Response by Capt Mark Strobl made Apr 27 at 2016 5:55 PM

Capt Mark Strobl — Wed, 27 Apr 2016 17:55:54 -0400

SFC Private RallyPoint Member - While I wouldn't support counseling for 1st-time marriages, I would certainly be on-board for those entering into their 2nd or 3rd marriages.

Response by SSG V. Michelle Woods made Apr 27 at 2016 6:19 PM

SSG V. Michelle Woods — Wed, 27 Apr 2016 18:19:22 -0400

Absolutely. Nothing bad can come from requiring marriage counseling. Besides, the Army requires you to get counseled if you travel to a foreign country, to go on a long weekend, to drive your own vehicle etc.
Why not require pre-marital counseling before making such a huge life decision that will affect their military career in one way or another?

Response by CSM Darieus ZaGara made Apr 27 at 2016 6:22 PM

CSM Darieus ZaGara — Wed, 27 Apr 2016 18:22:22 -0400

While it sounds like a great idea, the closest they could come to that is ensuring that the Soldier received counseling. We have no jurisdiction over civilians.

Response by CDR Terry Boles made Apr 27 at 2016 6:24 PM

CDR Terry Boles — Wed, 27 Apr 2016 18:24:06 -0400

Back in the day I had to run a request chit through my ships captain for approval to get married, and have marriage counseling. I do not think marriage counseling should be a requirement, however it certainly can help when the non-member spouse is oblivious about the military, the mission, and their spouse's role in that mission. Might save a few marriages and not ruin so many lives if both parties go in eyes-wide-open.

Response by CPT Joseph K Murdock made Apr 27 at 2016 7:04 PM

CPT Joseph K Murdock — Wed, 27 Apr 2016 19:04:55 -0400

hahahaha yes! No more BAH brides!

Response by MSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 27 at 2016 7:05 PM

MSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 27 Apr 2016 19:05:12 -0400

Mandatory? NO! People have the right to get married regardless of what others think. Mandating counseling before getting married in my opinion is an unlawful. It should always be optional.

Response by PO2 Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 28 at 2016 1:15 AM

PO2 Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 28 Apr 2016 01:15:24 -0400

I've always thought it should be a requirement. I was married before i joined, to the daughter of an army officer so i had that in my favor. However, i see a lot of young sailors and marines getting married for BAH but no plans otherwise. It's a shame really...

Response by TSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 28 at 2016 6:35 AM

TSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Thu, 28 Apr 2016 06:35:31 -0400

in theory this sounds like a good idea. cut down on the tech school marriages and stripper/ juicy brides; but for every single mandatory training one takes it seems that the intent disappears and all we are left with is a pass by default waste of time. the military is not good at creating personal life lesson type trainings that actually accomplish their intended goal.

Response by PO2 Jack Mitchell made Apr 28 at 2016 9:21 AM

PO2 Jack Mitchell — Thu, 28 Apr 2016 09:21:18 -0400

Yes I think that would be smart because it would help the couple have sometype of PPR for life

Response by SrA William Giraldi made Apr 28 at 2016 10:20 AM

SrA William Giraldi — Thu, 28 Apr 2016 10:20:16 -0400

I personally think this is a good idea, but keep it optional. As a former personnel specialist and readiness NCO, I've seen Emergency Contacts and SGLI forms updated consistently - it was nuts. Relationships whilst in any branch of the military - active especially - are strained with PCS-ing, TDYs, deployments, and other variables that impact a military marriage. Of course, for those like myself who are Catholic, pre-marital counseling is mandatory regardless of military status. That's not to say that even if you go through said counseling that you'll be safe from divorces and such.

Response by SPC Brian Mason made Apr 29 at 2016 12:23 AM

SPC Brian Mason — Fri, 29 Apr 2016 00:23:07 -0400

Yes. I was married before I joined. Unfortunately, the Army does not issue wives. I would have had a better one then. Most married couples do not know how military life will be. I've seen it all too often. Jody comes a knockin' and the spouse cheats and we all know where that goes. A good number of married soldiers do carry through the military life.
Things get complicated when both people in the marriage are soldiers. Unfortunately, my ex did her cheating while I was deployed. 1SG told me to send her the minimum required. I locked her out of my bank account. She had already packed our stuff into storage near my duty station and went home before making things worse. By then she'd screwed herself over and 1SG told me not to send her any more money.
Long story short, from the proof I found to her admitting to it, my lawyer had more than enough 'ammo' to file my divorce. The judge also got angry when she found out what she did to a deployed soldier. Unfortunately, marriages fail more often than they should. Since men outnumber women, then most of the spouses are female.
Have a separate bank account to move your money into should this happen while overseas. Do not put the spouse on it. Tell them it's a savings and for not spending all the extra money during deployment. Spouses go through deployments and military life better than most than no problem. If it does go south, protect oneself. Let them be the one to abandon the marriage. That will ensure that the soldier is legally and ethically sound.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 29 at 2016 11:24 PM

CPT Private RallyPoint Member — Fri, 29 Apr 2016 23:24:44 -0400

My answer would solve in the problem (in my opinion) that the military really faces without tackling your question directly:

Get rid of the incentives for marriage, children, and other dependents. This would greatly reduce the rush for service-members to get married just for a boost in lifestyle or paycheck, and honestly would be more fair in general to everyone. Why should good Soldiers who are young, single, and live in the barracks be treated and compensated differently than married Soldiers, some of whom are not performing to standard. It's easy:

- BAH should be based on rank and duty station alone.
- The barracks should be optional, just like on-post housing is for married Soldiers.
- Getting married, having children, etc. should not come with incentives. The military is the only place I'm aware of that does this; other workplaces do not because it doesn't make sense.

Response by MSG Randall Rankin made Sep 13 at 2021 7:45 AM

MSG Randall Rankin — Mon, 13 Sep 2021 07:45:40 -0400

I still remember where you had to have the COs permission to get married and had to be an E-4 over 2 to be eligible for post housing. Didn't seem to have near the issues we do now....