War changed me, my wife wants the old me....what should I do?

2015-10-06T19:38:21-04:00

I have always been a fun loving guy and even in service was known to be good for a laugh. But in June 2012 I had the worst day of my life. The FOB I was 3 days from leaving was attacked. The situation did not sit well with me and I suffer daily from it. I have lost passion in my marriage and feel I should leave so that she does not have to suffer with me but fear the result it will have on our daughter. My wife has never been one to work or bring in money so I don't know how she can care for my daughter, but she will use my PTSD against me to keep me from taking custody. So what should I do? I don't want to cause her heartache over this but I shouldn't have to suffer an unhappy marriage. I need some advice, and I know others out there have dealt with this before.

Response by SFC Joe S. Davis Jr., MSM, DSL made Oct 6 at 2015 7:41 PM

2015-10-06T19:41:17-04:00

SPC Private RallyPoint Member I would seek counsling with family at the VA, I went for 2 months to get it together brother, what a life-changer, talk to your VA PACT ASAP.

Response by CSM Michael J. Uhlig made Oct 6 at 2015 7:49 PM

2015-10-06T19:49:44-04:00

Our experiences change each one of us. Are you in contact with any battle buddies or others from the unit that were there with you? Being able to talk about your experiences with those that experienced the same or similar engagements will help you move forward....it aint easy but we have to ruck up.

Response by Sgt Aaron Kennedy, MS made Oct 6 at 2015 8:01 PM

2015-10-06T20:01:50-04:00

Just a thought, but is there a local VFW? Just someplace to hang your hat and shoot pool? or whatever. Be around guys "who feel like home." I know it sounds stupid, but part of coming back is this isn't the same as there. And you can't just go cold turkey.

Response by PVT Robert Gresham made Oct 6 at 2015 8:02 PM

2015-10-06T20:02:09-04:00

I was in the same situation back in the 1995-1999 time frame. These are the best tips I can give you.

The first step is to make the decision, "Is the marriage over?" Talk to your wife, and find out what she wants.

If you decide to split, then try to do it as gracefully, and as painlessly as possible. There is nothing worse for a child than to be caught in the middle between two parents who are at war with each other. Work together to ensure that your daughter understands that it is not HER fault. Many children get this impression, and it can be devastating to your future relationship with them.

If you decide to stay together, you have a lot of work ahead of you. Consider marriage counseling, and be prepared to put some work in on your relationship.

Regardless of what you decide about your marriage, get help for your PTSD (if you are not already doing so), make sure that your Wife understands that this is a process, but that you are dedicated to it, in order to make things work out between you and your daughter. I wish you the best of luck, whatever your decision might be.

Response by Sgt Spencer Sikder made Oct 6 at 2015 8:21 PM

2015-10-06T20:21:18-04:00

VA has family counseling available. And if it's too long of a wait, I know NAMI has some great programs that could help both of you understand where you are. nami.org

Response by SFC Wesley Arnold, Jr made Oct 6 at 2015 8:41 PM

2015-10-06T20:41:55-04:00

SPC Ryan Vitali - SFC Joe S. Davis Jr., is right on point ... Please seek assistance from VA or WWP before you make any rash decision. The VA offers counseling for families to help families understand and some ways to deal with the issues. This doesn't mean you'll have to go into detail of the "Trauma" ... it help the family understand better why you act "different".

As someone also with PTSD, to quote the VA this is "your new normal". There are also programs for you to help understand the effects of PTSD on "you". It explain what PTSD is, brain function with PTSD, relaxation techniques, etc. ... It helps to clam triggers, or allows you ways to help make them less intense.

Bottom line is to have to be forthright with your wife about how PTSD effects you and not what did to get it. We all have our "monsters", just knowing will help your family ... but that doesn't mean they have to see your monster too.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 6 at 2015 9:37 PM

2015-10-06T21:37:03-04:00

When I came back from OIF I my wife told me much of the same. It is a struggle to return to what we would think to be normal. It is hard to explain to a spouse what it is we go through. I have been to some military marriage retreats. I would reach out for military marriage counseling. I think it would be much better for professionals to deal with this and educate both of you to return to a better way of life. I never advocate for divorce. It is hard for both parties and will lead to more difficulties.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 6 at 2015 9:54 PM

2015-10-06T21:54:21-04:00

Your wife is your partner; she signed on for the long haul.
Undoubtedly she loves you and can see how you have been affected. She can help!
Have the conversation with her, and see what suggestions she has. Professional help is probably helpful as well.

I feel for you, SPC Private RallyPoint Member. I learned this too late to save my marriage. Don't do what I did. You MUST communicate with her.
Feel free to message me directly. I have powerful things to say on this subject.

Response by SSG Michael Scott made Oct 6 at 2015 10:05 PM

2015-10-06T22:05:57-04:00

Educate wife. Get her invoked un a support group. Tell her what works best for you.

Response by CPT Edward Barr made Oct 7 at 2015 6:56 AM

2015-10-07T06:56:51-04:00

Both you, and your wife, read a book by Gary Chapman called; "The 5 Love Languages."
It will help you in any relationship, either to make it better, or to recognize what is or isn't there.
It will also help you to recognize things in yourself.
No, I have no attachment or financial interest in this book or its sales.

I recommend this to all people, no matter the state or stage of their life or relationships.

Response by Maj Kim Patterson made Oct 7 at 2015 7:48 AM

2015-10-07T07:48:36-04:00

Can anyone provide a list of resources for families/spouses for help? The vet sees things and even if he/she doesn't speak of it, changes in personality and outlook can be grim. The whole house feels like it's made of eggshells.. We need to look at treating the whole person and the whole family unit.

Response by SGM Erik Marquez made Oct 7 at 2015 8:55 AM

2015-10-07T08:55:02-04:00

You are you, yesterdays you is gone, today's you are who you are, and tomorrows you will likely be different.
As a 24 plus year married guy, many deployments and many more days, weeks gone over a 28 year career I can say for certain I have changed, as has my wife.. who also deployed once for more than a year (Desert Shield & Desert Storm) WE have learned accept who we are, not who we were as that person is gone and never coming back. You can not change who you are.......well i suppose if you are doing things harmful to yourself be it self medicating or mentally damaging.. you can change that if you want to.. but I do not believe we can overall change who we have become though our experiences.
I'm sure that fly's in the face of many others beliefs, those that feel they have changed themselves, or witnessed a change of others. Id say the current and ongoing experiences and events changed that person.

Response by LCDR Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 7 at 2015 9:25 AM

2015-10-07T09:25:47-04:00

SPC Vitali- Marriage under any circumstance, is hard, and never about things being "perfect"...harder still when in the military. I would humbly suggest that your talk with your wife-a lot- before letting go of one another.

My wife confronted a lot of my "issues" with patience...but at some point, I had to take a long hard look at myself and ask who I wanted to be for "us" in the future. There are days I get tired of being "in control"...times when it would be GREAT to let fly that guy I used to be and "show everyone just what it is they don't understand"...then, I remember how I felt when I asked her to be my wife. I recall how much it meant to have her by my side when the walls came down and I needed to talk about things I couldn't share with anyone else.

I think "passion" fades over time-devotion grows when it's fed from both souls working together to survive this hard-&$$ world.

In so many ways, that little girl of yours can be the "reason" for both of you to stick it out and try to make it work. The day I found out I was going to have a son, a huge part of me changed-and I think for the better.

The mission changes...not the strength required.

Prayers and Best Wishes to you my Friend.

Response by PO3 Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 7 at 2015 10:19 AM

2015-10-07T10:19:21-04:00

That is the same words out of my wife's mouth .....

your old self is gone in some way, but it still there forever, Remember this. Remind yourself to be better ... that is all I can advise you ... Remember the moment you make her/him a morning drink ... remember the moment holding her/his hand and look into her/his eyes... that is all we can do, hold on to the moment. sigh ... not much help ... I am on the same boat ...

Response by SSG Jesus Sijalbo made Oct 8 at 2015 3:32 AM

2015-10-08T03:32:04-04:00

Brother, I only read the first eight words and it hurts. I can tell you this that other combat veteran has tried to be that same person that we all use to know and a lifetime of searching and you get back just a little of it. We all need to find our new self that we all can be happy with and share with our loves ones. Finding a new purpose sucks and in due time brother do what you need to do to stay safe, loving to your loves ones and be acceptful to who we became, its not in our fault in anyways its just, It is what it Is. God Bless my Brother, Stay Strong!

Response by CSM Bill Roy made Oct 9 at 2015 1:53 AM

2015-10-09T01:53:58-04:00

Troop you need to wrap around your PTSD issue and get into some Groups with other Vets. I know it's tough but until you embrace this demon you will never make anyone happy
Have you and your wife looked into support groups for her as well

Response by SPC Bruce Nichols made Oct 9 at 2015 7:21 AM

2015-10-09T07:21:24-04:00

Definitely a family discussion.

Response by SrA Marc Haynes made Oct 9 at 2015 7:41 AM

2015-10-09T07:41:05-04:00

I have read some fantastic suggestions on here. I think that the best one is to seek professional help, immediately. You cannot fix your marriage until you figure out what is going on with you. It will not be instantaneous either. It will take time so please be patient with the process. There will be pain but it won't swallow you if you have a good support systems. Sometimes you just hold on to the rope and your supporters will pull you up.

One more thing, do not get into using drugs including alcohol to numb the pain. It will only make it worse. This is from my own personal experience. It does get better I promise.

Response by SSG Warren Swan made Oct 9 at 2015 8:57 AM

2015-10-09T08:57:17-04:00

You may "think" you've lost your passion in your marriage, but I can tell you firsthand, when I came home I got back to a marriage that was done and over with. I often wonder what it would've been like had I had my wife there with me. Would it have been better? Would the symptoms be mitigated or even lessened? Could she have helped in some way? I'll answer this, and say YES. Your significant other is the blessing that you need. She knows the old and is getting to know the new you. She has the power to comfort you when you're at your lowest and tell you it's going to get better. And you'll cry, but you'll believe her because you love her, and she loves you. Yes you should contact some battles, but in the end, your wife will be at home with you at night holding you. She'll be there to yell at you when you f*ck up, and there to laugh when you two are trying to patch it up. DO NOT take her for granted. You said you have a daughter. Bro you're going to make a monumental mistake thinking the grass is greener on the other side, and not have them with you. Confide in your wife. Help her help you, and where she falls short, let the docs take over and assist both of you. Allow your daughters smiley face to give you some solace as to what you were fighting for then and what you're fighting for now.

Response by SSG James Arlington made Oct 9 at 2015 10:39 AM

2015-10-09T10:39:41-04:00

Did you try counseling? If it doesn't work, then separation should be mutual, respectful and understanding.

Response by SPC William Biles made Oct 9 at 2015 11:58 AM

2015-10-09T11:58:41-04:00

Open communication between you two will be the key. Send Traffic.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 9 at 2015 12:01 PM

2015-10-09T12:01:05-04:00

get help, i still hasitate. I know im not the same persone that i once was so i hear what you are saying. She needs to understand and give you time however you gotta step up and get counceling. Im here for you if you ever need to talk.

Response by SSG Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 9 at 2015 1:45 PM

2015-10-09T13:45:59-04:00

You should get counseling ASAP, it can make a world of difference.

There is also something else a lot of people don't understand, over time we all change... sometimes because of traumatic events, a lot of change happens in a very short period of time, however even if nothing traumatic happens we change. In a marriage, neither one of you are going to be the person the other one fell in love with all those years ago at some point. You both have to make a commitment to each other to stay in love, to treat the relationship as you would a child... care for it, feed it, stay up with it all night when it's sick. It is not easy, and one person can't do it alone... however if you can make it work, it's definitely worth it. Few things of great value, ever come easy.

Response by SPC Luis Mendez made Oct 9 at 2015 4:23 PM

2015-10-09T16:23:25-04:00

I think it's you who's using "PTSD" as a crutch. A husband's duty is to his wife as a father's is to his children and to none other on this earth. That includes Parents, BFF's, Bros in the hood, army buddies, himself and whatever else you may want to come up. I think you're not fulfilling those duties, are looking for pretenses like "PTSD", or there's already another woman in the picture. I wasn't born yesterday.

Response by CPT Brent Ferguson made Oct 15 at 2015 7:01 PM

2015-10-15T19:01:53-04:00

Marriage isn't about happiness. You made a commitment to your wife to your community and to God to love cherish and care for each other for the rest of your lives. Before you consider divorce consider what your honour is worth.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Oct 16 at 2015 3:58 PM

2015-10-16T15:58:33-04:00

What do you want? What does she want?

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 16 at 2015 5:18 PM

2015-10-16T17:18:37-04:00

I have to disagree with some of these comments. I too have changed! I seeked marriage counseling and it didn't help, just made me more pist and violent. I also seeked anger management alone for my wife and two small children sake. That too didn't work, drinking excessively was not the answer either. It's been 3 1/2 years and I have decided to bury my feelings and opinions so as not fight or sweat the small stuff. Be their for my wife and children and try my best to make them happy. Think about the millions of men that have gone thru worse. Man up and bury it deep deep inside you like millions of other men have. Be a Man!!!

Response by PO1 Todd Cousins made Oct 20 at 2015 12:12 PM

2015-10-20T12:12:02-04:00

I have no advice on the home side of this. As a divorced man for a long time I just can't help much. But as to PTSD there are many treatment options out there. I found a former Army PH.D. in New Orleans that helped me more then I can ever explain. The key to me was finding someone I can talk to and share my thoughts with. It takes time and work. I wish you the best of luck and strongly urge you to find the help that works best for you.

Response by 1LT Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 20 at 2015 12:14 PM

2015-10-20T12:14:50-04:00

Seek out council with the Lord. Prayer is a powerful ally in dark times. Dont isolate yourself . You can and will prosper. Message me and il connect you with people that can help you.

Response by Cpl Glynis Sakowicz made Oct 20 at 2015 12:19 PM

2015-10-20T12:19:50-04:00

my unmet friend, it sounds to me, like you are looking for ways out, and dragging your daughter along. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds as if you were like the rest of us, and time away, PLUS seeing action, has changed you, and sadly, there isn't any way back to the old you. What you can do, is find a 'New Normal' for yourself, but this doesn't have to be alone!
Might I suggest that you contact Wounded Warrior? They have a great program for PTSD here, that involves all members of a family, because quite frankly, if you feel you are suffering, then your entire family is, including your child/children.
Like everyone else here, I would suggest you talk to your wife, and seek counseling from someone who knows PTSD. Couples counseling can help, but the thing is that you came home with a really big monkey on your back, just like so many of us.
The danger is trying to deal with this alone, my friend. I've lost three friends who felt as if they had to seperate themselves from their partners. Their lives became empty, their rage went up, and they just walked right out of their lives, leaving the rest of us feeling guilty, lost, and angry at them for not letting us in.
You will never be the same, but you don't have to always be who you are now. Please find it in you to talk this out with someone. Yes, its hard, but you know what? Its a lot easier to open up and get it out, and learn to co-exist with your problems, than to leave those who are part of your life, feeling confused and guilty when you walk out of a marriage because you can't get back to "You."

Response by Cpl Clayton Poff made Oct 20 at 2015 12:22 PM

2015-10-20T12:22:17-04:00

Ryan.... the best thing that saved and continues to save my marriage is digging deep into the manual for marriage aka in English the Bible "NIV" is a good one to start with. Google Focus on the Family and type in PTSD in the search box lots of resources.. Here is the azimuth to get you on course but you have to do the hump, there are no short cuts, Study what is marriage from God's perspective, ... find a good men's accountability group and never try to fight the fight alone..
Semper fi ...

Response by SGT Aaron Barbee made Oct 20 at 2015 12:24 PM

2015-10-20T12:24:04-04:00

There's a lot of sound and solid advice here man. To be perfectly honest (in my experience so far) the depression and anxiety never truly go away. Get help. and involve your spouse in that help. Be it personal counseling, marriage counseling, or just talking with your religious leaders or Chain of Command (if you're still active). If you let it sit too long, you start trying to fix it subconsciously, which can result in even worse problems. The key thing here, like everyone has said, is keep communicating with your spouse! Make your want to "fix" things be known, and work together to come up with goals and an action plan to make it happen.

Response by Cpl Dr Ronnie Manns made Oct 20 at 2015 1:00 PM

2015-10-20T13:00:55-04:00

Believe it or not, war did not change you. The fun loving you was someone you choose to be to escape dealing with things head on. It was necessary then but the fun loving you is not needed now. Now you have to re-tool yourself to deal with what is in front of you now, this appears to be your obstacle. What war did for you was open your eyes to a reality that you may not have considered before, now what you must do is find a way to deal with the new reality that is your life now. You need to own this condition or let it own you. You own it by sitting down with wife, child and trusted people and tell them what you see when you close your eyes. You need to listen and hear the words of the wife, child and others as they tell you what they see, then you need to ask for their help and be willing to take it. PTSD does not go away and is never taken care of by alcohol or drugs. It is not something to be afraid of nor is it something to be ashamed of. Those closest to you are not looking for the old you back, they are only wishing to get to know the new you now. If they are successful in that, you will all be the better for it.

Response by SGT David Starr made Oct 20 at 2015 1:06 PM

2015-10-20T13:06:53-04:00

1st get to the VA ASAP tell them you need help with PTSD. I often see and hear stories about what is happening down Range and it often brings tears to my eyes. I'm ashamed to be at home and not out there with my brothers in Arms. I have had to learn my time has past and it up to the next generation. I got divorced after I came home my wife said the same thing. But the counseling can help transition you from where you were to were you are. PTSD is nothing to play around with and there is no excuse to let it ruin your life except one and that is I'm not sting enough to face it. Be strong enough be the man you want to be! The VA will also counsel you and your wife.. don't give up! God bless and keep you brother!

Response by SGT Allison Churchill made Oct 20 at 2015 1:58 PM

2015-10-20T13:58:40-04:00

I'm just going to echo a lot of people and suggest that both you and your wife talk to someone--either at the VA, or get a referral from your chaplain or that One Source number. I think individual and joint counseling would be a huge help, so you're both able to manage your expectations.

I went to the Chaplain Family Life Center at Fort Hood for about a year for some family issues, and it absolutely changed my life. I even managed to back off the guy I was dating in a good way, because I realized I couldn't fix his problems for him, and that if he wanted to talk to me about them, all I could really do was let him know I was there for him.

Also, as I've mentioned on a few other posts, I had to cover at least four marriage retreats as a PAO. And the magazine I work for now does a lot of stories about making marriages work and military/veteran issues.

Basically, there's a lot of help out there. You might not ever be the "old" you again, but you can be a happier you going forward, and hopefully your wife will want that.

Response by LTC Don Malin made Oct 20 at 2015 2:06 PM

2015-10-20T14:06:49-04:00

Try the Vet Center in your location. They are there to help deal with readjustment issues. Also as a retired Chaplain to you and your family attend church? Is there a support group you can open up to?

Response by LTC Don Malin made Oct 20 at 2015 2:07 PM

2015-10-20T14:07:45-04:00

Go to http://www.CrossSwords.org.

Response by PO1 Christopher Gómez made Oct 20 at 2015 3:06 PM

2015-10-20T15:06:13-04:00

First off tell her you care and are willing to work on things.

Next go to the VA and ask for a marriage counselor and tell them you need PTSD services.

You will get testing (possibly), then comprehensive team based care to help with the unique problems associated with PTSD.

Have a close friend you can talk to anytime about anything and tell them the things that are bottled up inside. I say this because we usually are still too afraid to tell our therapists everything.

If you EVER feel suicidal call your friend, suicide hotline, VA or 911.

You are not alone Brother!

Response by SSG Leo Bell made Oct 20 at 2015 3:09 PM

2015-10-20T15:09:05-04:00

I know what your talking about there. I get that all the time from my family and friends that I have had growing up.

Response by MSgt Bruce Cooper made Oct 20 at 2015 3:38 PM

2015-10-20T15:38:12-04:00

Check out your local Vet Center. I had problems with my Va Mental health dept. My Dr's were civilians who had no concept of war or what we went through. My Vet center on the other hand is full of combat vets who KNOW! Your wife also needs to be involved in spouse counseling to help them understand the new and changing you, as well as find a new normal.

Response by SSG Justin Miracle made Oct 20 at 2015 3:41 PM

2015-10-20T15:41:13-04:00

Ill leave specifics of past experiences out of this to get a more broader point across. First of all use available resources and seek help. Second, it's also important to understand that you have control and play a big part in how things turn out. All of the meds and counseling in the world won't help, if you can't somewhat help yourself. Along with professional treatment you need to decide if you are going to let this day ruin your life and marriage. Without knowing details, it's to say, but it is important to take ownership and play an active role in your recovery and daily life. You will never be "the old you", but you can minimize the damage and find your "new normal" and enjoy the rest of your life.

Response by SPC Franklin McKown made Oct 20 at 2015 5:59 PM

2015-10-20T17:59:41-04:00

Go get your PTSD treated,there is no going back,this is now you, to attempt to live otherwise will make it more painful later.

Response by CPL Larry Carroll made Oct 20 at 2015 6:26 PM

2015-10-20T18:26:53-04:00

Hi Brother, yes PTSD sucks for us all, you can manage it. You have fought for your country, now fight for your marriage. Push yourself every minute of every day. Good Luck, here for you.
For God and Country...

Response by SSgt James Howerton made Oct 20 at 2015 6:41 PM

2015-10-20T18:41:39-04:00

I know you're thinking about a divorce because I know your heart is in the right place. I do believe people can change. We ALL suffer through traumatic events in our lives; some in combat, some in ways like the death of a loved one, some by events like rape or being mugged. Personally, I learned from my mother that a bad auto accident can be a very traumatic event in a survivor's life. But I also learned from her that while we can't control a lot of what we experience, the way we react to those experiences changes us, either for the good or the bad. My father was killed when I was 10. Although I was too young to realize it at the time, it had a dramatic effect on my life. My mom passed when I was 21 and again, it was traumatic and changed me. And like Lt. Rosa, I would never advocate for divorce unless it's the only option left. And that is especially true when you have children. I've also been through that but only because it WAS the only solution left to me. I think you should read what the Service Members on here are saying and trying some of the things listed, at the very least. At the very least talk to your wife. Besides the recommended counseling, I think you both could both benefit for couple's counseling. I had a personal experience in my life that was extremely devastating to me but I don't want to put that in print and what it was isn't germane to your situation at all. It took me a long time but I've finally gotten past it. It was something I had to confront and go through by myself, though because it was so personal in nature. Good luck, Brother.

Response by SGT Timothy Ruple made Oct 20 at 2015 7:03 PM

2015-10-20T19:03:54-04:00

We all changed after deployments. That goes for our family's to. We all experience something different. For example our spouse learn to be more indepent and sole parent, as harsh as that is to say but true. At the same time you married your wife for a reason and that reason is mostly likely lost inside you. The thing is you would not be asking complete stranger for help if you did not glimpse of that love you have for her. What I can tell from your brief message you are still dealing with the aftermathes of your deployment. You need to open up to her she can handle it, it will be hard for her to here. The reality she played simlair stories in her head every night you where gone. You also have to find hope in life again, you are not alone. Most of us struggled with finding a new identity when we came back. Find what you are passionate about and work at that.
Take care and be open to those that are around you more.

Response by SSG Michael Scott made Oct 20 at 2015 8:03 PM

2015-10-20T20:03:19-04:00

The hardest job in the military is being a military wife. Take care of yourself. You have to be healthy in order to have a healthy relationship.

Response by PO1 James Thornton made Oct 20 at 2015 8:53 PM

2015-10-20T20:53:10-04:00

I was in Bahrain when a sailor shot two other sailors. A few months after that the career counselor was found dead in her home. Four months later I was sent to training to go to Afghanistan and their were attacks explosions etc. So when I returned home to me everything was different I felt I had know control over what was happening. I had nightmares but my wife stuck by me through everything then even through this day. First thing you have to do is talk to your spouse about your experiences over there. Then seek counseling from the VA. I did I'm going through counseling at the VA and it helps. I also pray to God and ask everyday for healing and I read different scriptures from the bible it helps me. I pray and hope that you and your wife get the happiness that was once there in your lives back.
R/
MA1 SW/AW James Thornton
U.S. Navy RET.

Response by SFC Larry Jones made Oct 20 at 2015 9:36 PM

2015-10-20T21:36:42-04:00

Ryan, I have not been where you are, so I am not going to insult you by saying I understand your situation. I don't. What I will say is know what it is like to lose your health while in uniform. Also, marriage is for life. My wife and I have been together for 45 years, married for 42+ of them. We have 2 (grown) children and 4 grandchildren. When you married that sweet little girl, you made a serious commitment to her. When you deployed with your comrades, your commitment to them was up to and including your life, and I am confident you kept that and had the heartbreak of watching some of them keep it. With all that being said, I agree with those saying seek help. Now, I have had a good experience with the VA. I am in Central Arkansas, and the VA here has its stuff together fairly well. Unfortunately, that is not the case everywhere. I suggest to you that you start with with the VFW, DAV, or maybe even the American Legion. If you wish, look me up on the Army Retiree and Alumni Group. I'll let you scream at me, cuss at me, if that's what you need, and I am pretty good at lending a sympathetic ear. One other thing---daughters especially need their daddies. Mine is 41, and we are still close. So please, please, seek out help. If you are in a good, loving, non judgmental church, that can help, too. And, Ryan, I am retired. Should I be fortunate enough for you to address me, please use my first name.

Response by SSgt Jared Newport made Oct 20 at 2015 11:56 PM

2015-10-20T23:56:33-04:00

Stay strong, remember why you married her and don't look back. Seek counseling, talking to someone may not be the right thing for you but it may help her, try different venues. I would agree with some post here by saying that atleast 85% of you getting back to being happy with one another and not necessarily who she married will be both of you commiting to it. Forgetting the reasons why you are where you are now, and remembering what brought you together amd just being there for each other. I have had a real rough couple years, and the biggest thing is not giving up, I just gave up and said fuck everything and got inside a shell. I'm still working on getting out of my shell. I wish I had really gave 100% and not half ass tried to work on stuff. for me I'm just having to suck it up and quit blaming it on shit. Accept what is and make it better.

Response by SSG Keith Cashion made Oct 21 at 2015 9:55 AM

2015-10-21T09:55:18-04:00

I agree with everyone that suggests the two of you get counseling. But I see something that I had to deal with as well. My wife didn't quite grasp what PTSD actually was or how it affects people. Like the CSM said, these things affect everyone differently. I literally took my wife to one of my counseling appointments and let her ask the counselor anything she wanted to know. My wife actually came out of the meeting with a lot more understanding of what it is like to suffer with PTSD. I think counseling for the family and individual counseling may open her eyes to what you are going through. Additionally, you need to see things her way as well. You may not know it now, but if you go down that road to divorce, you may realize that you have just lost your greatest supporter. Your wife is fighting to keep the marriage....you need to stay the course and fight to. A lot of us are drawn back into the situation(s), just by a smell, sight, sound or memory and it is very hard to fight to deal with it. But think about this....you have someone that wants to fight alongside you. Trust me, I know...My wife holds no punches with this battle, but we fight together. You have changed because of your experience and you want to be your old self. The most you can do is try to get back to your old self as best you can, but there are changes.

Good luck to you and your wife. Heed the advise and get the counseling.

Half nickel for the day.

Response by CH (CPT) Thomas Kirchhoefer made Oct 21 at 2015 11:18 AM

2015-10-21T11:18:10-04:00

Talk to each other and work together to get help. Use the available resources and choose how you respond to the things that have happened. Don't let them define you, you can define how they affect you.

For better or for worse ... in sickness and in health ...

Response by SGT William Howell made Oct 21 at 2015 11:35 AM

2015-10-21T11:35:34-04:00

SPC Private RallyPoint Member I have been there. Mine was not PTSD as much as just adapting back into the real world. I went to the VA and had a angel that guided me back to being able to function with others. I can only encourage you to make the call and get in to see someone that can help you along your journey. The VA has an OIF/OEF Clinic and that is what I use for everything. They can get you to the right person. It will get your prospective straitened out. Then you can make decisions that are going to be life long. Sometimes marriages don't work out and sometimes we just have to get right and they do. The first step is getting someone that can figure out what is going on.

Response by SSG John Mitchell made Oct 21 at 2015 11:54 AM

2015-10-21T11:54:30-04:00

The key is to Communicate. Be it between the two of you alone or Counseling. I'd suggest Counseling. Someone that has an education in how the brain works can break it down Barney style for both of you. Our experiences shape who we are. Our mistakes and triumphs. Successes and Failures. Age. It all plays. You have to start with YOU. Who you were before is gone. What we went through is different for all of us and who we were shapes how we deal with it. Your experience is still fresh, relatively. To be brutally honest, you need to look DEEP and figure out what YOU want and that's the double edge sword because you have a Daughter so being that selfish, all for yourself guy days are GONE! What's gonna be the best for that little girl? Staying and being miserable WILL effect how you treat her no matter how hard you try for it not too. You need to talk to your wife and find out if she is up to the challenge of WORKING with you to get through this. If she's not on board you need to pop smoke because I can tell you from experience, if she's not up to the challenge, you cannot do it alone. Your little girl WILL see it and it WILL effect her. Now being a SPC, I'd guess you're under 30 unless, like me, you joined at an older age. BUF, you need to talk to your wife then a professional and go from there. This is a two man operation. You made it that when you had a Daughter.

Response by SGT Kevin Yzaguirre made Oct 21 at 2015 12:11 PM

2015-10-21T12:11:30-04:00

Therapy, seek out professional counseling or even going to the VFW and talking about it openly and honestly. Its important not to use drugs and alcohol as a coping method as this only masks the problem and eventually makes it worse. I'm not talking about a one time talk either but continuous and often. You could try starting a support group for vets in your area and through the fellowship of your peers a lot of healing can be done. Don't throw the marriage away. It is hard for people with PTSD to relate to others and we have a tendency to isolate. As SFC Davis says the help comes from community.

Response by MSG Tim Donahue, M.Ed. made Oct 21 at 2015 12:21 PM

2015-10-21T12:21:47-04:00

I agree with others - seek counseling at the VA or talk to someone in the Clergy - find the love you had for each other that was the reason you got married - it's still there - you just have to find it

Response by SGT Jeremiah B. made Oct 21 at 2015 12:44 PM

2015-10-21T12:44:49-04:00

I think the advice here is great. Also, I'd look into Project Sanctuary. I've been keeping an eye on them for a few years now and it looks like they're doing great work with military families dealing with combat trauma. Check it out: http://projectsanctuary.us/

Home - Project Sanctuary

Home page for the Project Sanctuary website

Response by SSG Mike Oshaughnessy made Oct 21 at 2015 12:54 PM

2015-10-21T12:54:36-04:00

Ryan, don't abandon your post. You haven't been properly relieved yet. Your responsibility is to yourself, your wife, and your daughter. I'm being pretty blunt, because I already went through it and I don't want anyone else to.
Here's what you should do. Surprise your wife with a nice gesture. Buy her some flowers. Then, dance with her to your wedding song. Once you reconnect, be honest with her about your struggles. You two should talk about your expectations and her expectations and make a plan for going forward.
If things look like you are losing control, go online or to FB and look up Battle in Distress. We will hear you out and help point you in the right direction.
Hang in there, brother. The fight is horrible, but you never fight alone. Kudos to you for reaching out before things got critical.

Response by PFC Thomas Bersch made Oct 21 at 2015 12:55 PM

2015-10-21T12:55:50-04:00

Please seek out marriage and individual counseling as soon as possible. What you are feeling is real to you but perhaps not understood by your wife. I have had therapy and it works. While mine was not for war related issues it was for being raped by priest. I lost 2 marriages over this and until I got therapy I would have been in a very dark place. Please understand that I am not comparing war with rape I am just saying therapy works if you put the effort in and your wife does too.

Response by CDR Michael Goldschmidt made Oct 21 at 2015 1:02 PM

2015-10-21T13:02:57-04:00

Where are you, Ryan? The bad news is that you'll never be the same. I know. Except for the daughter part, it's like my fingers are moving, through you're doing the writing. The good news is that you can learn to cope, and get some modicum of happiness back. Neither one of you should have to live through an unhappy marriage. Your wife will have to learn to understand or at least accept what you've been through and that your reaction is completely natural and normal, and that your brain chemistry has changed. You are LITERALLY not the same guy you were when you went off to war. If you're in the NH, MA, southern VT area, I know an organization that can help. If not, LTC Jason Strickland may be able to give you some leads, and http://www.warriorconnection.org may be able to help, too. Good luck, my friend. You're not alone!

The Warrior Connection - Retreats for Veterans with PTSDThe Warrior Connection

Are you or a loved one a veteran suffering from Post-traumatic stress disorder? Learn more about Veterans with PTSD and join our retreats that reconnect veterans with their families and communities.

Response by SSG Eddie “JD” Brown made Oct 21 at 2015 1:03 PM

2015-10-21T13:03:11-04:00

Brother Ive been going to VA counseling for the last year. Like you i had no idea how to express myself to my family, felt loke avoiding because I am a barrier to their complete happiness. Add my physical disability ive become a weight around them. This is all how ive felt but going to the counseling meeting two of the greatest friends ever after several classes that were good but just not all I needed. I landed in one class that helped me express my feelings to my wife and family where theyd understand it. I began to work SLOWLY on recovery I am no where near healed but brother its helped! Once I am better I plan to bring in my wife. First I know as far as me i need more control and understanding of my anger, nightmares, anxiety etc before I bring in my wife where I may say something wrong!! God bless you

Response by LCpl Kevin Quinn made Oct 21 at 2015 1:17 PM

2015-10-21T13:17:49-04:00

Seek counsel, from a counselor and an attorney. Address the family law issues with an attorney before taking that first step.

Response by 1stSgt John Sims made Oct 21 at 2015 1:19 PM

2015-10-21T13:19:16-04:00

As SMG Marguez responded, the person you were prior to deployment did not come home. Our families do not understand this. Our experiences change us forever, however you choose how you are affected. Most PTSD is situational, that is why smells and sounds bring the memories back full force. Learn to understand your triggers. Your family is your rock, lean on them. We tend to push our spouses away while trying to shield them from what we experienced. Simply put, tell your wife exactly what you are going through and why, don't hold anything back. The worst thing veterans do is hold it in and try to go it alone.

Response by SPC Daniel Hannon made Oct 21 at 2015 1:49 PM

2015-10-21T13:49:53-04:00

Self discipline, the old you isn't gone, it's there it's just buried. Over time you will integrate properly back into her life, but you need patience, and will power to control your emotions.

Response by MAJ Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 21 at 2015 2:09 PM

2015-10-21T14:09:05-04:00

I guess I'll be the dissenter. At a certain point I knew my wife and I would never be happy together. But we had children, there were expectations... Mainly for the children, we stayed married many years too long. We have both been happier since divorce. The kids have been happier. We both fulfilled our roles as parents well and the kids tell us that all the time.

Staying in a bad marriage is not good for you, your wife, or children. If, and only if, you are sure, get out. Do it smart. Keep it focused on what is best for the kids.

Response by SPC Michael Griggs made Oct 21 at 2015 2:19 PM

2015-10-21T14:19:59-04:00

You took the first step. You recognize that you need help. Go get family counseling. Also, get help for your PTSD, if your have not already done so. Marriage is a "for better or worse" commitment. If you think you can save your marriage, then you should.

I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

Response by Maj Mike Sciales made Oct 21 at 2015 2:21 PM

2015-10-21T14:21:40-04:00

I'm sorry for your situation. I've been there. Got blown up in al-Rustimya, Iraq in July 2006. Sustained bombardment for 15 minutes. Got my bell rung pretty good but nothing lasting physically, just 15 straight minutes of terror. I also saw a lot of bad stuff -- dead bodies and VBEDs and even people burning in a failed VBED while driving down Route Irish - snapshot moments of horror or terror. They'd drop in a few rounds on the Embassy Compound every morning and sometimes near our FOB Phoenix - constant alertness and generalized hyper apprehension.
It just wears you out and makes you different. My wife and daughters told me that the next time I saw them and was all jittery. Some friends had to tell me that when some unanticipated fireworks went off and I got twitchy. Talk therapy. My doctor suggested it and I took it. I visited my father-in-law in the VA facility. I told him everything I was feeling and it felt better just talking with him. After enough times it was over. Not saying it's easy and it took me about a year after that (so 2 years or so) to get it all dialed in. I also went camping in the desert and tried to re-establish an association of normalcy with the terrain (we have places that look like Iraq & Afghanistan and some of the folks are pretty much the same) and also did it for shopping experiences. Go to your Mall, walk around, have a coffee. Take yoga and learn to chill. You have to know internally, way deep, that you aren't back there anymore.
The point is, don't let it own you and lock you up. Talk about it and if you have a wife you can trust and who will not judge, then talk to her. If your wife is uncomfortable with that, go to any VA facility and find a vet to talk to. If you are really shy or concerned about privacy, talk to a vet in the assisted care facility - vets with dementia or Alzheimer's . No judgment by them at all.

Good luck - you can do it.

Response by PO3 Daniel Carter made Oct 21 at 2015 2:30 PM

2015-10-21T14:30:54-04:00

Is this about what you want or what your wife needs? Let's start with your wife.
Your wife needs a father for her child (yes, she is still your daughter but women are protective like that), a household leader, a lover and protector. Basically, everything you were in the military and more. Your turn.
Your wants seem muddled at this point. One thing is for sure: If you abandon your family you may sink deeper into your PTSD without someone alongside to remind you of the best of who you are. That's her job.
And with the help of others who understand what you are experiencing (more than your wife can), your life could (more likely will) become more fulfilling for you and your family because of what you've gone through.

Response by SPC David S. made Oct 21 at 2015 2:36 PM

2015-10-21T14:36:11-04:00

Hey Ryan thanks for reaching out with this. Just checking in with you as its been two weeks since you shared this. As I don't know all the particulars with what's going on I would suggest some form of counseling for you foremost and then for your marriage. I'm not going to lie to you and say marriage is easy as its not. Without all the other stuff going on marriage alone is hard. It take a lot of work, time and commitment to keep it on the tracks. However as you're reaching out it seems like you're willing to put up a fight to keep your family together - kudos for that. I would strongly suggest giving the Soldier's Project a call. They offer free counseling for service members as well as family members. Regardless of location give them a call and see if they can help - I've heard some really good stories/results about this group. Best of luck brother -

https://www.thesoldiersproject.org/

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 21 at 2015 2:43 PM

2015-10-21T14:43:11-04:00

Vet center way better than the actual VA

Response by MSG James S. made Oct 21 at 2015 2:50 PM

2015-10-21T14:50:09-04:00

SPC, do not quit, NEVER give up! This takes a lot of time! I was in a firefight also (2 Bronze Stars with V device). You need to discuss it with her, help her understand where you are and what you went through! For years afterwards of my incident, I carried a weapon because I felt everyone was out to kill me. I overcame this by speaking with my wife (a former Marine) and helping her understand what I felt inside for her. Please give her the chance to understand you and the situation you were in, your relationship should be worth a lot more than quitting! God Bless you Soldier and NEVER give up!

Just a note, it has been over 20 years and I still feel bad, my best friend was killed and his brains scattered at my feet, he fell over on my lap and my first response was to tell him to sit in his own seat (we were driving when the attack happened). He fell back onto my lap again and I felt sympathy and told him to go ahead and rest. I then drove like a bat out of hell to what I remembered was friendly territory. As we were pulled from our vehicle by the FFL, he spoke to me and said, "Sarge, everything is going to be ok", he was dead but I swear to this day, I heard him tell me!
So, the feelings are ok, just help your wonderful, loving wife and family understand you! Talk with your priest, your "TRUE" friends, do not hold in the sorrow, the pain because it will always be there, just try and lessen the blow!

If you need to talk, call me! I am now a retired MSG and will be here for you! [login to see] .

Response by Sgt Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 21 at 2015 2:50 PM

2015-10-21T14:50:34-04:00

SPC Vitali, have you talked to your wife at all about the issues? I would say try to save before letting go. A myriad of people here gave on point advice, so I won't flood with repeating the same thing - no matter how gay it sounds, seek help, you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain from a benefit you earned.....

Response by SSG Joseph Dowell made Oct 21 at 2015 2:59 PM

2015-10-21T14:59:43-04:00

SPC Ryan Vitali,
I read most of the Comments and 99% are great, Seek counseling, talk with others, talk with your wife. All great advice and the VA PTSD Programs are one of the better treatment areas in the VA in general. While I was deployed to the combat arena (Operation Provide Comfort) I did not "See" combat. My issues came prior to my enlistment and kind of played into a Military lifestyle.
The one thing I did not see mentioned here, even from the Chaplain, talk with your Priest, pastor, Rabbi or whatever. While they may not have seen things you have seen they are also trained to offer guidance and support, with a biblical viewpoint.
Regardless of the route you choose, many of the systems will only work based on how much effort you put into the healing. if you sit in a group and keep your mouth shut, there is no help, however if you are an active participant healing will come slowly but it will come.

Response by CDR William Kempner made Oct 21 at 2015 3:03 PM

2015-10-21T15:03:35-04:00

Ryan, a lot of good comments from people here who understand what you are going through and can relate closely. The people recommending couples counseling are probably spot on. You're different, so is she, and she needs to get on the same page with you. And sometimes that isn't easy. I have been married a long time (30+ yrs)-it isn't easy sometimes, but I'm PROUD of it. Don't just throw it away without getting some help first, and get your wife involved. You may be different, but you're the father of her kid-I'm sure in her way, she still loves you. Try to remember that.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 21 at 2015 3:05 PM

2015-10-21T15:05:25-04:00

SPC Private RallyPoint Member At least she is communicating with you, there is hope. Get the help as suggested by SFC Joe S. Davis Jr., MSM, DSL and work it out. You can do it.

Response by SSG Zach Younker made Oct 21 at 2015 3:05 PM

2015-10-21T15:05:35-04:00

Ryan, as a man speaking from a point of first hand experience I would advise 2 things: both give hope and neither costs very much.
1st: acknowledge the need to address your health and seek advice from a counselling professional intimately familiar with PTSD - but you must invest great effort yourself.
2nd: seek, purchase, and BOTH of you should read the book "Tears of a Warrior." This will explain to you and her that the battle you are in requires her to do many things for her part. It tells the story from a wives [of a PTSD spouse] perspective.

Any further advice; email me at:
[login to see]

Response by Sgt Walt Clark made Oct 21 at 2015 3:12 PM

2015-10-21T15:12:30-04:00

I didn't serve as you did. I did participate in the evacs when Saigon and Phnom Pen fell. I also have recently retired from a large metro firedepartment after 23 years service and two marriages later
Needless to say there is little I haven't seen. I would like to recommend a book to you . The author is a close friend of mine. The title is The Divine Warrior ( Healing the Hearts and Minds of those Who Protect and Serve ) . It is written for soldiers, Police and Firefighters. You can find it on Amazon. It helped me a lot. I wish you well my friend. Lost my Pop in Vietnam in 66. He was a Battalion Commander with the First Air Cav. SEMPER FI Buddy. Never give up.

Response by SPC Steven Sciotto made Oct 21 at 2015 3:15 PM

2015-10-21T15:15:20-04:00

Man-up and be the man for whom your wife bore a child...find something you did for fun before you joined the Army and involve your family...fishing...hiking...find a quiet place to be alone and turn back the hands of time within the confines of your mind. If I've learned nothing else in this life, it's this: you stick with the people who stuck with you through tough times.

Response by Col Rebecca Lorraine made Oct 21 at 2015 3:27 PM

2015-10-21T15:27:13-04:00

Have you gone for counseling together? Does she want to end your marriage and either way your daughter will be hurt. You have to help yourself through this process. Ask everyone you can for help. Be open and honest with them and yourself. Bad stuff can eat you up from the inside, so you gotta let it go. Talk about it and then it will be better. Think of how the stress and experience actually made you stronger and wiser. You may just need more time to put it into perspective. Catch yourself thinking negatively and it's a contagious disease. Encourage your wife to work and assume more responsibility. Treat the depression and anxiety by recognizing it and understanding this is really a normal response. Read about ways to help bring back some laughter and then maybe things will be better between you. Be patient with yourself.

Response by PO1 Aaron Baltosser made Oct 21 at 2015 3:28 PM

2015-10-21T15:28:54-04:00

War changes us all differently. You would have to be inhuman to experience and come home unchanged. Some changes won't reveal themselves immediately either. If your wife is wishing to have what doesn't exist anymore, unfortunately there may be different paths ahead in your future. That depends greatly on how accepting she is, and how well you can communicate. Having many meaningful conversations can ease the transition back to 'normal' life. The truth is some of us never return to normal as a civilian would see it. Having a strong network of family anf friends can help as well. I have only three good friends in the world, and the common bond is retired military like me. With those three and my wife I am quite content. Only your wife can choose to be happy for her. Only you can choose to be happy for you. Keep talking to those that can help you, and keep moving forward. Good luck.

Response by PV2 Lance Stewart made Oct 21 at 2015 3:34 PM

2015-10-21T15:34:59-04:00

My daughter knows I'm there for her, she also knows I can't be around people for more than a few hours before I get so annoyed I want to hit them.... For me I stay at home haven't dated in over 6 years... Gets lonely sometimes but, when I think of interacting with people the feeling of freedom from people comes back... If you do leave make sure your daughter knows she hasn't lost you... On the wife thing, she can flip a burger (sounds heartless I know) but, working isn't a huge sacrifice millions do it everyday

Response by SGT Seyla Uy made Oct 21 at 2015 3:35 PM

2015-10-21T15:35:27-04:00

Try meditation and find a shaman. They can help you. In shamanism it's believe that when we go through a trauma part of our soul leaves us so it doesn't get damaged. A shaman can go and retrieve our missing piece. It's out of the box thinking, I know, but it helped me with my PTSD.

Response by SPC Jackson Stevens made Oct 21 at 2015 3:54 PM

2015-10-21T15:54:37-04:00

You are not the same person you were in May of 2012. Your experiences in June of 2012 changed you forever. BUT this is not a bad thing. If fact, putting it tritely, "it is what it is." What you do with those experiences and changes is entirely up to you! You can choose to be a better and stronger man, or a victim. The good news is you do NOT have to go through this alone. There are many people who are willing and more than capable of walking through this WITH YOU.

You have the first and most important person in the world to help you. Your wife! She loves you. But she can not walk with you blind, in the dark, or without knowing where you are. TALK TO HER! I would strongly advise against giving her details of that day in June 2012. However, go against the typical male stoicism and share you feelings and fears from that day. Again, I would strongly advise against giving her details of that day in June 2012, there are others better able to aid you in dealing with the actual events, if necessary. However, your most important ally in making you a better man, is your wife!

The next most important person to seek help from is a counsellor specially trained in dealing with the military and PTSD. If you are a person of faith, then seek a counsellor in your faith. Start with one on one counseling AND also counseling with your wife. If you shut her out it hurts your marriage. Group counseling with other combat veterans could possibly help. BUT while experiences may be similar each individual makes them totally unique.

Trusted friend and comrades are another great source of support. However, they should not supplant your wife. Nor can they aid you the same as an experience counselor.

The absolute most important thing you can do is NEVER GIVE UP ON YOURSELF! You've taken the important step of seeking help here, hopefully you've sought help from and for your wife and family. Also, for experienced professionals.

Be strong and unashamed of seeking support. The best and greatest men have all had help from others.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Oct 21 at 2015 4:01 PM

2015-10-21T16:01:04-04:00

I am in the same boat pertaining to marital passion. I asked myself stay married? - YES. I asked my wife stay married? - YES. This greatly reduced the stress and anxiety knowing we are mutually accepting of each other. This is not to say with certainty you should act cart blanche, but with a trajectory of bilateral improvements over time. Best of luck!

Response by 1stSgt Malcolm (Wayne) Stewart made Oct 21 at 2015 4:24 PM

2015-10-21T16:24:33-04:00

This is a common theme with combatants returning from armed conflict. There's help available through combat veterans groups, the VA, individual counseling (if you have insurance), etc. I encourage you to tell your wife what's going on with you if you haven't already. Ask her to be patient and supportive while you deal with this. The important thing is to reach out for help and stay linked up to other combat vets that have success dealing with their PTSD. Don't isolate.

Response by SSG Doug Reynolds made Oct 21 at 2015 4:33 PM

2015-10-21T16:33:49-04:00

The old you is gone forever never to return.....hard truth but that's what it is....You will not get back to normal because normal has never been in your situation......you can create a better new you, it will take quite a bit of open honestly between you and your wife. I made the same mistakes and have been divorced twice. I am now getting to a point in my life that my experiences and actions during any of my tours do not define me. That is a place that you can get to as well.

My question to you is are you unhappy in your marriage or just life in general because each has different steps to take to create that better new you.

Response by SSG Red Hoffman made Oct 21 at 2015 4:43 PM

2015-10-21T16:43:29-04:00

If your wife shares your concern for saving the relationship, she should support your desire to attend counselling to help you work through the issues that exist. Keep in mind, these are not just your issues. They are yours and hers issues and both of you may need to work hard to overcome them. Splitting up can be a costly and emotional hardship, but if financially 'doable' you might want to separate until after you have had a chance to attend counselling together. Maybe seeing each other once a week during counselling would help to recover/rekindle the feelings you had before your deployment. When children are involved, it is important you and your spouse do everything you can to work this out. If it can't be worked out...then you need to address that possibility after counselling. Good luck, my friend.

Response by SPC Robert Norton made Oct 21 at 2015 5:11 PM

2015-10-21T17:11:55-04:00

if your wife loves you and if you both want to work this out i suggest you get together and go to counseling. PTSD is real and can affect the people around you. If she isn't willing to do the work with you it wont be easy for you both. you can work on PTSD alone but if she was to come with you it would help her to understand what is happening and hopefully help with your stress and passion. Dont pressure her into going. Intimacy is more than sex its sharing your deepest fears and still loving each other through it all. i would like to support SFC Davis, the VA is very helpful with PTSD. but i would like to add that there is a lot of bad counselors out there, if you go to a counselor, give them like 6 weeks if you don't feel its right then move on. trust me they understand some Councillors are too passive some are too aggressive, some you just to jive with. don't get frustrated tell them or the secretary or patient advocate you would like to try someone else.

Response by SPC Joseph F Dolloff made Oct 21 at 2015 5:31 PM

2015-10-21T17:31:52-04:00

Counseling, as SFC Joe S. Davis Jr has brought up, is the only way to deal with your issues. Going off on your own, will not accomplish anything, within your family unit. Nor will it aid your problems, or fears. I had chose, for years, not to deal with my issues, and tried to hide them, or hide from them. Guess what? It just made things worse. Keep your daughter in front of your thoughts, to help you move forward, so the three of you can have a real family again! God Bless, and best of luck to you bro!

Response by CPO George Driver made Oct 21 at 2015 5:52 PM

2015-10-21T17:52:06-04:00

SPC Ryan, First of all know this... God loves you and wants His best for you. Secondly, Jesus hung on that cross so that you could have life and have it more abundantly. Next, and I know you probably don't want to hear this but it's the truth and needs to be said: Bad things happen to good people too. All that said, anything and everything that we face, or have had to live through, is something that can be used to help others and grow His kingdom. You have more character than 10 civilians (who have never had a bad day in their life other than a car crash - maybe - if that) all combined. If you will seek Him and His presence diligently, with all your heart, He will give you the desires of your heart and bring you back your joy, ten times what it was before. I know. I lived it. Good luck and may God give you peace and understanding. ENC (SW) USN Retired. PS - I was raised in an athiest family; never knew God or the bible until I was 37 years old. It's been a wonderful 20 years of good living ever since then! Peace and love brother! Hang on to that marriage.

Response by SGT Richard H. made Oct 21 at 2015 6:06 PM

2015-10-21T18:06:31-04:00

I guess before offering any advice, I'd ask a question: How much do you want your marriage to work?

Response by SFC Rich Gomez made Oct 21 at 2015 6:42 PM

2015-10-21T18:42:14-04:00

Sarge, I know what you are feeling. I had similar trauma when I got back from Nam only it was a role reversal, my ex-wife used to disappear once I got home to watch the kids, to make matters worse I was stationed in Brooklyn and knew basically no one. To make a long story short I hung in there despite the general unhappiness and ultimately divorced after 6-7 years of trying. In looking back the major regret I have is in my selfishness and false pride destroyed the one thing I cherished most and that was the great communication I always had with my three daughters prior to our divorce. Today they want nothing to do with me, so in that respect my marital unhappiness I could have put up with until after my daughters left the roost, as the cost otherwise was to great. I am 71 years old today, so I guess what I am what I telling you is it sounds as if you LOVE your daughter tremendously and I think you can put your needs aside for the time being at least until she is old enough to understand and possibly make up her own mind about the situation so there is time to establish trust in your relationship with her and her security in your love is paramount. Good Luck my Fellow NCO.....Life is hard, just don't make it any harder than it has to be...
SFC Lorance Gomez Ret, Army.... Kansas City, MO

Response by SPC Brent Turner made Oct 21 at 2015 6:59 PM

2015-10-21T18:59:23-04:00

It's possible you may be suffering from PTSD or even depression. Neither is any reason to be ashamed and both are treatable. As others have said already, get professional help. Also communication is key. You may be surprised what your wife is willing to "put up with" as long as she understands where you are coming from. If you don't know how to communicate effectively with her, that's what therapy is for. Best of luck to you.

Response by SSgt Chris DeSadier made Oct 21 at 2015 7:00 PM

2015-10-21T19:00:08-04:00

There's no easy way to answer this one. Every situation is different. PTSD is hard to deal with. I lost my wife and son cause of it. After 3 tours to Iraq, I returned with several issues that at the time was just a way of life. I could hold my marriage together or any relationship afterwards for that matter until I got help. I'm now on meds to help with my issues and personnel counseling as well. VA has provided me with many tools to assist. I just wish I found it sooner.
With that said, seek counsel, get help. It won't be easy but it gets better. Trust me you don't want to lose your family over it

Response by PO1 Kristopher Harned made Oct 21 at 2015 7:13 PM

2015-10-21T19:13:23-04:00

SPC Ryan V. I also suffered through this. After Being at Ground Zero, coming back from OIF, OEF and multiple other operations, it was hard for me to relate anything to my then current wife. She dealt with me and my issues for 3 years, and I commend her for it. It took me going down to the VA and asking for help. I am currently in a program that is really changing my life. When you go down, Talk to your Mental Health Provider and seen if they have the MRT program there. It is a program that will help you to finally start seeing and thinking clearly, they also have parts of the program that will induct your spouse into what you have done and what they can be able to do to help! You both went into this together, she has stuck by you for this long. Don't GIVE UP!!!! DONT!!!! you love her and still have feelings for her... life hasn't ended and you can make it through this. Lean on your Support group and lean on your VA. It is what they are there for. Hope this helped.

Response by SGT Kevin Newman made Oct 21 at 2015 7:18 PM

2015-10-21T19:18:12-04:00

You need to seek counseling immediately if not sooner. Right now, the most important thing is your daughter. You need to be your best for her. I am confident that things will fall into line once you initiate counseling. I pray that you are able to get better, for you & your family. God Bless

Response by SGT Jason Baker made Oct 21 at 2015 7:32 PM

2015-10-21T19:32:11-04:00

I was unhappy and my wife was unhappy when I returned from combat the last time or so I thought. The thing about PTSD is that it changes your physical chemistry. I nearly committed suicide from all the thoughts that would go through my head. Thinking that everyone would be better without me. I ended up in the hospital and began much needed therapy. I discovered how much my family loved me and had no idea how bad it was in my head. I had counseling outside the va for six months that started twice a week and now once every three months or when I really need it. The issue is we as soldiers are programmed the a certain extent and not de programmed when we leave. That plus all the PTSD makes life very difficult. I say go see someone and learn to love again both your family and yourself. What can you lose. You can possibly lose your family if you don't get help.

Response by SGT Prentice Weitman made Oct 21 at 2015 7:34 PM

2015-10-21T19:34:29-04:00

Try mindfulness meditation
Mindfulness is a budhist mediation technique that is useful treating PTSD symptoms.
VA is encouraging it as a breathing technique,
I foud these resource useful, specifically the teaching from
http://www.audiodharma.org

prent weitman
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vipassan%C4%81#Relation_with_samatha

Response by Sgt Peter Frangedakis made Oct 21 at 2015 7:59 PM

2015-10-21T19:59:07-04:00

One, you should never ever forget who you are, what you do for this country. These pieces of shit want nothing more than to tear down everything we stand for. They want the effects of what they have done or try to do to have lasting or their ultimate goal of our/ your suicide or total breakdown in your family and social structure. They win if this happens. Everything you've done has been for this country's continuance of freedom and protection from those who want nothing more to destroy us. I say whatever it takes to be a family; whatever it takes to justify what you needed to do is what you need and should do. They want the war and the effects to linger with you. I say fuck them and salute you. You need to show them your a Goddam American soldier and a husband and a father; something they will never be. Make it work. In time it will get better.

Response by PO3 Erica Herman Quave made Oct 21 at 2015 8:21 PM

2015-10-21T20:21:49-04:00

As the wife of a PTSD suffer I would recommend inpatient treatment through the VA. It took my husband nearly 8 months but in the end we both had a better understanding of PTSD. Also the family counseling was a huge blessing to or marriage and to our children. He used the program in Bonham, TX.

On another note, if you have received treatment the courts will be more likely to see you in a favorable light. Not to mention %100 disability payment while in treatment so your family will have some income coming in. Hope this helps. All the best.

Response by SP6 Greg Hoff made Oct 21 at 2015 9:10 PM

2015-10-21T21:10:45-04:00

I am in a similar situation and can relate to you, my life changed forever in August 2012. I find little pleasure in doing things now. My advice would be to seek behavioral health counseling to help manage your PTSD symptoms and go to couples therapy. It is a long and tough road but the end result is worth it. With PTSD you may never get the "old" you back but you can get back to a level that is manageable and you can enjoy things again. There are a lot of different resources available to veterans, there is even free counseling available outside of the military so that your chain of command is not informed.

Response by PO3 Alicia Devanna made Oct 21 at 2015 9:41 PM

2015-10-21T21:41:28-04:00

try counseling, both together and individually, maybe church as well

Response by MSG O'Connor Pat made Oct 21 at 2015 10:11 PM

2015-10-21T22:11:19-04:00

You need to talk to somebody brother. When the cup is full, something has to go to keep it from spilling over and it usually starts with our marriage. After I got back from Afghanistan I was having some personal issues with anger, depression, drinking daily, and more. My wife put me in touch with a psychiatrist with experience treating PTSD. I met with the psychiatrist every week for maybe six months and we just talked, no meds, and I got better. I had diarrhea for six months after I got home and it went away; I found out it was caused by stress. I stopped drinking completely, used the GI Bill to get a bachelor of science in nursing degree and started a new career as a Registered Nurse working in a pediatric emergency room which I found to be healing as well. Three years later I was hired by the VA and now work as an RN at the VA and get to work with vets everyday. Things can get better and talking helps to empty the full cup. Hang in there.

Response by SSG Wayne Wood made Oct 21 at 2015 10:45 PM

2015-10-21T22:45:44-04:00

For me it was a new-found faith and a caring wife. As others have said, counseling will only work on your marriage if she's on board with you. I know of no one who has seen real kimshi who isn't changed by it somehow - it's how you deal with it that matters.

I was married to my first during my service and I really think dealing with her as well as the stuff I was dealing with in service contributed to my problems. When she dumped me it was the beginning of relief. My second wife has been a literal godsend.

If she is willing to stick it out with you - and maybe give you some occasional space when you need it (just don't hibernate for a year or two), and then get help with counseling it can work. A lot depends on your wife and you being able to work it out together as a team. One of my drill sergeants in basic told me to never tell my wife what I did in combat; his wife divorced him when he confided in her what was giving him nightmares after he came home from his second tour in Nam.

My first wife wanted me to talk to her but couldn't handle it when I tried. So I clammed up - that made the situation worse. There has to be communication between you two.

I hope this helps without going into a book.

Response by CPT Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 21 at 2015 10:50 PM

2015-10-21T22:50:13-04:00

SPC Private RallyPoint Member I'm a Vietnam Vet, when I got back I didn't realize I was "different" from when I went over, 3 wives down that put up with my antics until, they couldn't take it anymore, they each said I had changed and something had, I just wouldn't recognize that my behavior was different. I' m married for the fourth time, she constantly says, "I want my old husband back," my civilian primary care diagnosed depression, anxiety, and said I was bi-polar... Then the VA immediately diagnosed it as PTSD. What the f@@k is PTSD. I had no clue, they asked about flashbacks, nightmares, insomnia, hallucinations (shadow people I call them), even the smell of diesel fuel. It was all there, triggers I didn't even know were triggers.

I guess the bottom line is, seek help now, tomorrow make an appointment with Mental Health, no one is above this, in this day and age CoC understands. Your wife and your daughter are certainly worth the effort. Get your wife help too, the more she understands, the better she'll be equipped to help the healing and new direction.
Seeking help is nothing to be ashamed of, you already know this or would not have cried out here on RP. God speed and bless you, your wife and daughter. Remember make the appointment, your family is worth it.

Response by SGT Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 21 at 2015 11:00 PM

2015-10-21T23:00:19-04:00

My second wife loves me enough to put up with my BS and temper. I take VA drugs for my temper but it still pops up. She mostly just blows me off. One suggestion I will make is get in the VA system and attend groups for PTSD, depression, anxiety, etc. The VA welcomes a spouse to attend meetings where the problems are discussed and hopefully helps her understand she's not the only one experiencing the problems, and how to cope. My wife never attended any of those meetings and to this day I don't think she understands my problems. She says she does, but she says things to set me off and I have to remember what I learned about how to react. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. It depends on the day I'm having. I hate to say this, but if she never wants to try to understand or just doesn't understand why you can't be normal, your marriage might end badly. Its up to you to show you are doing something about your problem and It's really up to her to decide whether she wants to help you, or dump you. Good luck. I hope and pray things can be worked out.

Response by PO3 Rod Arnold made Oct 21 at 2015 11:37 PM

2015-10-21T23:37:29-04:00

When you got married you took an oath. I'm not going to write it all out, only the ending,"till death do us part" You owe it to your wife, and yourself, to seek professional help, and find the Ryan she married!!! I pray that you will get this worked out for you, and your wife's sake.

Best wishes on your journey!!
Rod

Response by PO2 Christopher Taggart made Oct 21 at 2015 11:44 PM

2015-10-21T23:44:59-04:00

My best advise is try to imagine happy things to do even if it is hard to obtain it or do it. I don't care if it's painting scenery or landscaping , sky diving, rock climbing or mountain biking in the Colorado mountains. Just focus on something you love doing and strive for that. I manage to do this and full fill after most horrible depression and terrible moment of my life. It worked for me and I truly think it was well worth it. I found sure fire way ""FOR ME"" to deal with that stress and come out alive and well. However I look back on that horrible moment still I'm glad I had to endure , for it taught me valuable life saving skills, as well as a valuable experience in dealing with the worst of emotions & despair a man can go through and still keep his sanity... while controlling his outcome " IF " he instills that motivation in his mind and soul.

Response by TSgt Kenneth Ellis made Oct 22 at 2015 12:13 AM

2015-10-22T00:13:07-04:00

Maybe you should start saying our daughter.

Response by CPL Ruth Briscoe made Oct 22 at 2015 12:31 AM

2015-10-22T00:31:06-04:00

The VA has couseling for both of you. Also check with veteran services for they also have programs. Also check with your local vfw.

Response by PVT Andrew Burd made Oct 22 at 2015 12:42 AM

2015-10-22T00:42:51-04:00

When some wild-eyed, eight-foot-tall maniac grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall, and he looks you crooked in the eye and he asks you if ya paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol' Jack Burton always says at a time like that: "Have ya paid your dues, Jack?" "Yessir, the check is in the mail."

sounds like maybe you need to take a vacation or something... go fishing for a week?

Response by SFC Kim Armstrong made Oct 22 at 2015 12:48 AM

2015-10-22T00:48:53-04:00

Seek psychological counseling and then get counseling for the both of you so that she understands what you are going through. The wife deserves to know so she can help andf feel better knowing it is not her fault for your change. Send your wife to school there are programs for her through the army to prepare her to be independent.

Response by SGT Rob Moses made Oct 22 at 2015 2:00 AM

2015-10-22T02:00:01-04:00

Agree, seek counselling for you and your family.

Response by SPC Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 22 at 2015 2:21 AM

2015-10-22T02:21:17-04:00

I understand completely. I was there on that day. Changed my life forever. The best thing you can do is talk it out. It's gonna take time. Pray on it and talk about it. Help your family understand what you are dealing with mentally and emotionally stay strong and stay blessed

Response by PO1 John Miller made Oct 22 at 2015 5:03 AM

2015-10-22T05:03:59-04:00

I noticed you haven't commented on any of the responses to your thread so I was wanting to check in with you and see if you're doing okay. Please let us know!

Response by SSG Dwight Amey MSA, MSL, BS, AS made Oct 22 at 2015 8:03 AM

2015-10-22T08:03:22-04:00

SPC Ryan Vitali, I think you should realize that you are changed. On my last day in Iraq early in the morning a few rockets came in and killed one of ours. I saw the vehicle they were transporting him in, it was October 2011 he has only been in country for a short time. I am telling you, you will never be the same. You have a new normal now. Like when a solder is killed in your unit and your unit keeps it moving still getting the job done with a new assignment of duties etc.
If you do not have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ get one. God is our maker and how knows us better? Get a counselor at your VA that you and your entire family can participate in as a unit and individually. If you drink, try to make it only as important as eating a meal. Otherwise, you can develop a unhealthy dependence on the garbage. Establish rules of arguments with your wife that allows you to deescalate the conflict to keep the chance of saying or doing thing you will regret. If it happened then be humble but at the same time stand up for your mental health. You deserve to have good mental health. Get hooked on your hobbies instead of substances, I struggle with eating to deal with my anxiety. A habit I perfected during my four years in Iraq.

Mostly, find a way to forgive yourself for surviving when others did not, and forgive your wife. This is where you need a higher power because you will not be able to do it on your own.

Do you have friends you can confide in? A place you can go to diffuse when in the heat of anger? The VA can help and a local church too. Without help you leave yourself open for possible opportunities to make life changing decisions.

God Bless you brother, I know were you are am there myself. It is very difficult to deal with. Get good legal advice on the cost of divorce, distribution of debt, property, etc. to get an idea of how things can work for you if the time comes to divorce.

Response by Maj Ron Johnson made Oct 22 at 2015 10:53 AM

2015-10-22T10:53:38-04:00

Find a good Christian church and give your heart to Christ. It has helped me overcome some if my issued with war. Jesus is the answer my friend. Try Him...you have nothing to loose and everything to gain.

Response by LCpl Jim Pleace made Oct 22 at 2015 12:01 PM

2015-10-22T12:01:20-04:00

Stick with the marriage, work it out and stop beating yourself up. If she loves you, she will stick with it. You and your marriage are worth saving. Thank you for your service

Response by SSG Alan Wardell made Oct 22 at 2015 1:12 PM

2015-10-22T13:12:24-04:00

dude if i could answer that we wouldnt have 22 killing themselves everyday go see a shrink

Response by SP5 Hugh Brown made Oct 22 at 2015 2:41 PM

2015-10-22T14:41:24-04:00

Find a psychiatrist experienced in PTSD. I had the same problem after Vietnam.
Don't give up, and your wife needs to go with you as well.

Response by PO2 Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 22 at 2015 4:21 PM

2015-10-22T16:21:59-04:00

i got left after i came back from bahrain. my kids cried for my wife (now my ex). now my kids miss me. I can't give my daughters request to have a real family. she ask all the time. it hurts.

Response by 1SG Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 22 at 2015 4:54 PM

2015-10-22T16:54:51-04:00

There is a lot that they can do for PTSD these days. It is worth exploring with the VA. I wouldn't presume that she wants you to leave, or that it would help the situation in anyway. Get with someone that can help you work through it, and let her be involved so she understands

Response by LtCol Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 22 at 2015 8:50 PM

2015-10-22T20:50:51-04:00

I hate to tell you, but your old self is dead.

Response by COL Charles Williams made Oct 22 at 2015 11:57 PM

2015-10-22T23:57:43-04:00

Good question... For most of us, the old me is gone... If you love your wife, your life, and want to get things back to as close as you can before the war(s), then you need to ask for professional help, not RP help. Get help brother. SPC Private RallyPoint Member

Response by SSG Eddie “JD” Brown made Oct 23 at 2015 12:48 AM

2015-10-23T00:48:01-04:00

Brither if ya ever wanna talk person to person im retired due to my physical and mental issues from service then physical from civilian career! What im saying is im usually attainable! [login to see] if ya need a voice or an ear ragher than these text bro i see your reaching for help and me and my brothers are always here! Ill give ya cell after ya email God bless bro keep the faith! Hard work and youll beat this too!

Response by SGM Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 23 at 2015 8:13 AM

2015-10-23T08:13:44-04:00

You go to counselling, until the old you returns. It's still there, or you wouldn't have asked the question. It's just buried under the "new you", which really isn't you, but is thousands of small things you don't want to talk about, and often can't because it's hard for civilians to understand.

Been there. The first time I got shot at, I spent the next 4 hours writing my will.

Response by CPL Foxy Daisy made Oct 23 at 2015 12:30 PM

2015-10-23T12:30:57-04:00

If there is still any love, care, concern or respect left in your marriage then I suggest marital counseling. Perhaps it may help you two to understand each other. Don't be afraid that she will use ptsd to keep your daughter from you. Even if she tries, as long as you are not an unfit father, no judge will keep your daughter from you. FYI- PTSD doesn't = unfit father

Response by Maj Bill Smith, Ph.D. made Oct 24 at 2015 12:36 AM

2015-10-24T00:36:42-04:00

I just read a lot of exceptional advice by others. Each of us has our positive and negative experiences. I was married at 19 and was drafted within 3 months - thus volunteered. My wife was with me from the "get go" and experienced both negatives and positives of military life. It took me many years to finally understand what my wife wanted and needed from me during my career in the military. Our spouses are not stupid and they understand that we are called upon to do and participate in actions, situations; which we are sometimes "not pleasant" or which we cannot, may not or should not discuss with them. And, in truth, we may not even reflect on these ourselves. No need for gruesome examples.

Military spouses experienced our absences and worry and may even pray that we will come home to them. They manage our families during our often long absences and make the needed decisions. And they do not need our criticism of their decision on our return. After 5 yrs, I was commissioned and like many became acclimated to others doing what I "asked" them to do. It took me another 6 yrs (yes slow learner) to grasp that when I went home to "immediately remove" my uniform, to change into civilian attire, and to mentally transition into my wife's and the children's world. I learned not to waste time on petty complaints or to burden my family with my work. I took refuge in their world and paid attention to them. I finally grasped the military was indeed my duty - my calling but NOT my home. If or when I was out of the military, it would not be "my buddies" who I would be living with. Also, I wanted a good relationship with my sons and eventually their families.

A final personal point: We may be military strong, ready and prepared but our inner-being are more fragile than we think. For me, I found that only God knows all, could forgive all, and could heal me. It was not my place to put any of the negative burdens of my military life on the people I loved - my family. They already sensed and experienced enough on their own. They needed dad and their mate.

P.S. Continue with hope. Over my 69 yrs, I have linked up with fellow vets and on occasion we eased our negative memories and recalled the many good ones. My wife also insisted for several years that I visit the Vietnam Memorial in D.C. Finally, we did together. I looked up the register of names for friends and comrades. When I walked to the first random panel, a beam of light hit the panel and there was "my name" before me and a small voice spoke to me: "your name is on this wall but you are not." I admit, I knelt and cried for all who were on that wall and all my remaining internal bitterness left me. Finally, that young 18 yr girl and now wise grandmother and I will soon celebrate 50 yrs. We agree - good or bad, life has been an adventure.

Response by 1SG Eric Rice made Oct 24 at 2015 12:47 AM

2015-10-24T00:47:09-04:00

SPC Ryan Vitali,

Just as many others have suggested, seeking assistance is the recommended course of action and communicating with your wife. Those of us who have any time down range and experienced the difficulties of combat will forever be changed no matter how hard you try to be the person you were before. "We" have a different mind-set and outlook on life now. This is difficult for our loved ones to cope with and understand if we do not communicate with them. I'm not saying describe details of your experiences while deployed but at least let them know who you are now. There is no shame in seeking help.

I'm proud of you for seeking assistance from your brothers and sisters in arms!

1SG Rice

Response by SFC Carey Cox made Oct 24 at 2015 4:04 AM

2015-10-24T04:04:14-04:00

PTSD gets better with time. It is a selfish act to leave your supporting wife. Seek counseling and get some serious classes on how to cope. I went through it and taken it out on your wife and daughter is just plain selfish. There are plenty of professional counsellors that will help you get through it and also a lot of antidepressants.

Response by SFC Alfonso Moore made Oct 25 at 2015 6:12 AM

2015-10-25T06:12:20-04:00

let`s not forget life will change us all. i think when you got marreid your vows was through good times and bad.

Response by SFC Ronald Burris made Oct 26 at 2015 2:52 PM

2015-10-26T14:52:02-04:00

I have had similiar problems and got a psychiatrist and psychologist to help me out. First off, have you put in claim for this? If so you should also be authorized these services for free. There is nothing wrong with seeing professionals like this if you are like me and want to save your marriage. By doing this, your wife will see that You are at least trying to help the situation. That's what counts with a Spouse to see that you would do this to try and save your marriage. War is a nasty thing but now it's time to focus on recovery and your marriage.

Response by Cpl Justin Sowell made Oct 26 at 2015 4:15 PM

2015-10-26T16:15:47-04:00

I deployed to Afghanistan 3 months after getting married. I never saw intense combat despite being a grunt, and I don't have PTSD so I can't help you there. However, the deployment changed my marriage. It basically destroyed it before it really even became good. We've gone to a lot of marriage counseling which hasn't fixed everything, but definitely kept us from getting a divorce. I'd say try that along with private VA counseling for PTSD.

Response by LCpl Kasey Woods made Oct 28 at 2015 5:24 PM

2015-10-28T17:24:22-04:00

learn to let go. You have changed and you will never be who you were but you can be a better you with some work. I have some of the same issues just from all the god awful pain from my shoulder and joints.

Response by SP5 John Anderson made Nov 3 at 2015 5:52 PM

2015-11-03T17:52:46-05:00

PTSD has been a fact of my life for decades. It does not go away, it cannot be ignored and it takes very strong people to survive it. My PTSD cost me 3 marriages, countless relationships and seeing my children grow to adulthood. Do I have regrets?.......Millions! Do I ever wish for "do-overs"?......Absolutely!!!!! (every waking moment for the past 48 years!!!)

My best hope now is to try not to repeat my own history. Is it easy or are there easy answers? If there are, I've never found them. Does it destroy without mercy? Without a doubt! Did I want to just give up? YES! (countlesss times), but I had alot of good people that wouldn't let me give up. I owe it to everyone in my life to "Mad Dog It" and get better, every single minute of every single day. The last thought to keep in mind is the following poem. A very dear friend wrote and gave it to me.

A Soldier's Thoughts

It Was Easier To Leave The Liberty I Love,
Than To Return To The Liberty I Lost.

As Long As One Person Acknowledges My Life Sacrifice And Gains By It,
Then Shall The Sting Of Death Soften Its Grip.

And Immortality And Honor Be Given Its Rightful Name...........

HERO......Then Shall I Rest!

Response by SPC Robert Norton made Nov 5 at 2015 4:40 PM

2015-11-05T16:40:15-05:00

I'd like to follow up with you and others that have obviously tried and failed counseling. counseling isn't easy and as i said before there are a lot of bad counselors. for some life becomes manageable after a short time for others they never fully recover. you will know when you no longer need help. it can be the toughest thing you ever do at times. somedays its impossible to get out of bed, but keep trying and giving your best. also don't fall into the false propaganda about med's. I flatly refused drugs and it lengthened my recovery process considerably. I cant explain it but the med's helped me. I kinda wanna say they made me not stress over some things so i could work on others, its weird but they helped.

Response by Shawn J. G. made Nov 7 at 2015 11:32 AM

2015-11-07T11:32:09-05:00

I would suggest going to the vet center. It helps once us spouses understand what is going on.

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Dec 14 at 2015 1:08 PM

2015-12-14T13:08:32-05:00

You need a neutral third party like a marriage counselor to paint both of your perspectives on PTSD.

Response by CPT Brent Ferguson made Dec 17 at 2015 11:53 AM

2015-12-17T11:53:40-05:00

You have two issues (and neither is PTSD). They are 1) a failing marriage, and 2) you are unhappy. I don't know if this will help much, but a marriage is not going to last if you rely on love. Your happiness in the marriage depends on YOU, not her. What makes a marriage last is COMMITMENT TO THE MARRIAGE, not each other, not love, not happiness. If you're intelligent, you make those happen with your spouse. How? If she's got her head in the right place, that's easy - fix your f'd up ideas (and get professional help for the PTSD - treatment = kid custodial visits if you fail in the marriage). If she doesn't then you probably need to get help so you can both see eye to eye. No matter how bad it gets, no matter what's wrong in a marriage, if you DECIDE to make it work - both of you - it will. If you decide to be happy, eventually you will be.

Response by SSG Todd Halverson made Dec 18 at 2015 9:42 AM

2015-12-18T09:42:44-05:00

I have been there before with issues in my marriage. One thing that really helped our marriage was going on a marriage retreat. Check out http://www.samaritanspurse.org/what-we-do/about-operation-heal-our-patriots/ This retreat could change your marriage, it did mine.

Operation Heal Our Patriots

Operation Heal Our Patriots Operation Heal Our Patriots gives wounded veterans and their spouses the opportunity for spiritual refreshment, physical renewal, and marriage enrichment. Couples participate in Biblically-based seminars that help strengthen their relationships with God and others and enjoy the beaut

Response by MAJ Ken Landgren made Dec 18 at 2015 11:36 AM

2015-12-18T11:36:10-05:00

Paint the picture. Paint the picture of the Objectives, Avenues of Approach, Obstacles, Dead Space, Direction of Your Travel. Do this and you will have more clarity of your goals, then it will be easier to map out the passion that resides in your heart.

Response by Shawn J. G. made Dec 24 at 2015 11:23 AM

2015-12-24T11:23:04-05:00

Just some suggestions as I have been in your wife's shoes. First of all, it is not the fault of either of you, PTSD does not come with an instruction manual. There is no right or a perfect way to respond because PTSD affects each person individually in its own way. Yes, symptoms are common and experienced by many, but what can trigger them and the reaction is very individualised. Now the hardest thing most of us spouses go through is accepting the new you. That doesn't mean it is impossible. Yes you both need help together, but I caution with just finding any therapist off the street. We went to the Vet Center and our therapist focused on helping us understand each other and taught us how to compromise with each other. We didn't spend a lot of time on communication because believe it or not the communication cleared up once we got our perceptions right. The question comes down to are you willing to try and save your marriage and are you alright with trying even if your spouse decides not to and wants to walk away. Anytime you have any questions or need any assistance feel free to message me, we have a whole video series for spouses free on youtube to help the spouses learn and understand. A lot of veterans have found value in it also. Hope this helps

Response by LTC Tom Hartley made Jan 13 at 2016 11:13 PM

2016-01-13T23:13:18-05:00

Relationships always require two people to trust in each other and help each other through changes and challenges in life. Sharing together and working through these together will only make a relationship stronger. If it didn't work it is not because of this stressor. Military life and the unique experiences are a unique stressor, but there are certainly others. They can't be the focus if a relationship will succeed and last. Counseling may help you find ways to communicate and work through issues... It is certainly wortha try before giving up on each other.