What are YOUR 'Top 3' tips for successful military marriages?

CH (MAJ) William Beaver — Tue, 28 Apr 2015 22:44:52 -0400

Help a Chaplain out! What are your TOP THREE tips for successful military marriages? What can I share with couples coming to me to get married?

Response by MSG Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 28 at 2015 11:01 PM

MSG Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 28 Apr 2015 23:01:01 -0400

1) When you get home, the uniform comes off.

2) When you get home, she is in charge.

3) See 1 and 2

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 28 at 2015 11:08 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 28 Apr 2015 23:08:17 -0400

1. Communication.

2. Leave your work AT work.

3. Ensure your S/O understands what you do for a living and what it entails.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 28 at 2015 11:22 PM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 28 Apr 2015 23:22:07 -0400

Great question and one I have answered several times in my career.

1) work is work and home is home. No matter how bad of a day one has had at work, those feelings and emotions need to stay at work. It is not the Wife's fault that your supervisor is a (insert derogatory word). If you have issues at home bring it up to your supervisor as unknown to you it affects your work performance.

2) future/current wife must understand that she will come second to the Army. We are all asked to work late or go to the field for days on end. She needs to understand that your battle buddies will know more about you than she will (I've been with my wife for 14 years and she understands that Soldiers will come before her sometimes).

3) have a good financial plan, this is probably the number one cause of marital problems in the Army for Soldiers. She needs to understand that you are not a millionaire and that your pay sucks. In another words, live within your means. Only one of you need to be the financial planner i.e pay the bills. If you both try to do it, arguments erupt as the blame is shifted when one bill forgets to get paid.

4) have reliable transportation. If you only have one car, let her have it as she has things she needs to do throughout the day while you are at work. You can always mooch a ride from a battle buddy while at work (my wife has the "newer" car and i drive a lemon).

5) if ever in an argument that gets heated, be the better man/woman and walk away, re-evaluate the situation, and teenage when things calm down.

6) share the responsibilities of the house I.e share house hold chores. She will love you for this. Do your own laundry, she already has enough to do if you have kids or plan on having kids.

7) have a date night once a week. If you can't make it out to a restraint or a movie, cook her dinner and do a movie night from redbox or pay per view.

8) give her/him a hug, a kiss, and tell them you love him/her at least once a day.

I know this is more than three, these are the things that have helped my marriage after 14 years!!

Response by SPC Todd Hanson made Apr 28 at 2015 11:36 PM

SPC Todd Hanson — Tue, 28 Apr 2015 23:36:29 -0400

Sir,
My fiancé and I are doing pre marital counseling with my BC Chaplin and found that reading five love languages and discussing it with him helps. The book is really good.

Response by SPC Jeff Paulsen made Apr 28 at 2015 11:51 PM

SPC Jeff Paulsen — Tue, 28 Apr 2015 23:51:44 -0400

Be honest
Be faithful
Be kind

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 29 at 2015 2:53 AM

LTC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 29 Apr 2015 02:53:10 -0400

Listen to each other.

Talk about issues that are coming up, well before they happen. Not telling your spouse that you are going to the field for a week/month until the day or two before never helps. The same goes for deployment.

When home, have fun together. If you like doing certain things, and your spouse likes doing other things, do some of both and you may find other things that you both like to do together.

Response by SFC Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 29 at 2015 7:09 AM

SFC Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 29 Apr 2015 07:09:48 -0400

1) Honest Communication

2) Treat your spouse like a teammate

3) Do everything you can to leave work at work

Response by CSM Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 29 at 2015 8:36 AM

CSM Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 29 Apr 2015 08:36:03 -0400

Drink heavily
Say "you're right" a lot
Drink heavily

Did I mention drink heavily?

Response by SSG Kenneth Lanning made Apr 29 at 2015 8:49 AM

SSG Kenneth Lanning — Wed, 29 Apr 2015 08:49:07 -0400

1- Communication (said several times already)
2- Keep it interesting (you have NO IDEA, well maybe you do, just how censored that statement became hahahahaha)
3- Keep your hands to yourself...unless it deals with #2...don't beat your spouse unless...yeah I'll shut up ;-)

Response by SCPO David Lockwood made Apr 29 at 2015 8:53 AM

SCPO David Lockwood — Wed, 29 Apr 2015 08:53:33 -0400

1. Communication
2. Never argue about money
3. Be on the same page when raising kids

Response by SGT Bryon Sergent made Apr 29 at 2015 9:07 AM

SGT Bryon Sergent — Wed, 29 Apr 2015 09:07:42 -0400

Honesty, Openness, and God. Not necessarily in that order!

Response by SSgt Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 29 at 2015 2:03 PM

SSgt Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 29 Apr 2015 14:03:43 -0400

God should always be the center point of the relationship, first and foremost. Petitioning God in the good times and bad should be the first thing that a couple should do. Reliance on God rather than yourselves can save you from a world of hurt.

Other pointers...

1. Relationship before career
2. Don't talk, listen
3. There is no such thing as rank in a marriage

Additional pointers...

4. She is always right.
5. Even when she is wrong, she is right.

Response by LCDR Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 29 at 2015 2:06 PM

LCDR Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 29 Apr 2015 14:06:06 -0400

Abstinence

Response by TSgt David Holman made Apr 29 at 2015 3:55 PM

TSgt David Holman — Wed, 29 Apr 2015 15:55:46 -0400

The biggest thing that I can offer is communicate, compromise, understand...

Communication is the key to any successful relationship and goes without saying, but is the key to the final two

Compromising is something that we don't see enough of in the military, and can be a hard skill to maintain in personal lives. Compromising doesn't mean giving in, but being willing to give and take.

Understand that both parties are still their own being, and that there are going to be times that the military member is going to have to sacrifice. Don't believe that everything is going to be perfect, and that things will work out.

Response by LTC John Shaw made Apr 29 at 2015 3:58 PM

LTC John Shaw — Wed, 29 Apr 2015 15:58:10 -0400

1) Yes, Dear
2) Yes, Dear
3) Yes, Dear

Response by CW4 Private RallyPoint Member made Apr 29 at 2015 3:59 PM

CW4 Private RallyPoint Member — Wed, 29 Apr 2015 15:59:49 -0400

Marry someone in the military. It is tough being dual military but my wife and I have a mutual respect and understanding of what each other do and understand the nuances of being in the military.

Response by Lt Col Jim Coe made Apr 29 at 2015 5:35 PM

Lt Col Jim Coe — Wed, 29 Apr 2015 17:35:05 -0400

Here's three that helped me get to nearly 50 years of marriage (to the same woman):

Communicate: by that I mean the husband needs to learn to listen. Military men tend to be action oriented. Give us a problem and we'll try to solve it. Sometimes that's not what the woman in the relationship is looking for. She just wants you to listen to what she's saying--to understand her emotion. If somebody hurt her feelings at work, she isn't wanting you to go set them straight. She wants you to empathize with her. Of course, sometimes she just wants the dripping faucet fixed. No emotion, "git 'er done."

Husbands Lead: this is often hard for military members who would otherwise be leaders. The guy who will lead his platoon to take the hill from the enemy under withering fire may have a hard time leading his family. You lead with gentleness and respect. Suggestions over orders. Setting the example instead of demands. Say you don't like your wife leaving the dinner dishes in the sink over night and washing up after breakfast. Remember they are your dishes too. Wash them before bedtime without comment or complaint. She'll appreciate it and later on you can ask her if there's a reason she often left the dishes to be washed later. Maybe she was too tired. Maybe it's the way her folks did it. Husband leading is an idea going back over 4,000 years, but it works. Lead the way at home. Even strong willed wives will follow a leader when it's done right.

Never bring anything home from deployment/TDY/TAD that you can't wear or eat. Wives will be happy to receive a trinket from a far away land or a bottle of wine from a far off vineyard. Unusual or exotic doesn't have to be expensive. One of my wife's favorite things is a lace butterfly pin I bought in Belgium for a few dollars.

Response by MAJ Pete Joplin made May 6 at 2015 12:55 PM

MAJ Pete Joplin — Wed, 06 May 2015 12:55:31 -0400

1. This ain't a game. This is a LIFELONG commitment! Neither party is going to entertain giving up--EVER. No infidelity, no hurt feeling for forgotten dates, no late notice deployments, NOTHING is authority for divorce--EVER. (think Code of Conduct level of commitment--TIMES TEN)

2. Acknowledge that the non-military spouse will most assuredly have it rougher, especially during separation. Account for that and develop coping strategies as a couple.

3. Struggling for a third, there's always this practical gem: The nature of our work demands that ONLY ONE can manage the finances, and that is NEVER the military member.

Response by SSgt Donnavon Smith made Jul 9 at 2015 3:57 PM

SSgt Donnavon Smith — Thu, 09 Jul 2015 15:57:06 -0400

1. Marry a military girl
2. outrank her
3. deploy a lot
Can't fight if you do not remember what she looks like.

Honestly though, with both of us military we would both be TDY to different places at different times. Really only saw each other for a few days at a time. when we both got out and were home all the time, man it was WAR for a few months.

Response by Brittany Groh made Jan 29 at 2020 4:11 PM

Brittany Groh — Wed, 29 Jan 2020 16:11:32 -0500

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Response by 2LT Private RallyPoint Member made Sep 27 at 2022 1:27 PM

2LT Private RallyPoint Member — Tue, 27 Sep 2022 13:27:20 -0400

Forgiveness, selfless service, and commitment.