What was the most challenging difference in your relationships (romantic or platonic/professional) after you separated from the military?

2016-10-30T18:29:37-04:00

Response by SFC George Smith made Oct 30 at 2016 6:31 PM

2016-10-30T18:31:00-04:00

Last marriage... civilian wife accepting my military Past...

Response by SSG Eric Burleson made Oct 30 at 2016 6:32 PM

2016-10-30T18:32:18-04:00

I had to get used to work not being the priority over my relationship. The military always has first priority over your time, and it becomes easy to let work function the same way after you separate. The fact is that my family should come first unless there are exceptional circumstances. Anybody else? What other challenges have you had?

Response by PO2 Kayla Modschiedler made Oct 30 at 2016 7:07 PM

2016-10-30T19:07:41-04:00

I feel some people are just really whiny and entitled

Response by PO3 Michael James made Oct 30 at 2016 8:33 PM

2016-10-30T20:33:43-04:00

SSG Burleson, Sir; I am sorry, but I feel Challenged and turned-off by the overall NEGATIVE Attitude of the People, POLITICIANS (these are the ones who are to set the examples for the people to follow ) even our younger generation, and I do not see anyone who really wants to Pull us together again !!.. YES, We all have different ideas, we had them in the "ranks" too, yet we all worked together resulting in success, propelling us to a world power, and an influence impacting other World powers.. The Workplace / Our Children / The VA / Congress.. Even in some marriages -- The Negative attitudes are pulling us down.. We need a boost to the American Spirit, ... The American Way..

Response by SSG Melvin Nulph made Oct 30 at 2016 9:33 PM

2016-10-30T21:33:44-04:00

Everything, my wife stayed just long enough to get the educational benefits from VA, (me being 100% disabled) she got a BA in something, tried a few others after the divorce, would you believe that not remembering thier names and much more about her to include the date you was on, at times the one you're on, even who she is could cause a problem. It's true, lol, they do not like it at all. My daughter reminds me about her birthday party that I forgot her name and a few times that I forgot she was my daughter, not much fun there. I have a granddaughter now and she's the best thing, (in my eyes), that I could ever be blessed with. With my physical and memory issues I do not get to spend much time with her like the other grandparents, none at all alone she's to young. I do not hold nagitive feelings against the others (I'm thankful at times they are doing things with her because I can not) for the amount of time they get to spend with her & I live 1.1 miles from them. I learn when the times they come by and I can do things not to waist a second, listening is something I've become good at with her, believe it or not. I take notes so I can read them later, (when I remember & where they are). My condition has changed me like you would not believe, almost like living in a nightmare you can not wake up from. It's not the life I planned trust me at the same time I learn to enjoy things others take for granted, that small things really count and honesty & being true is more important than I ever thought of before im so glad I didn't need to learn this.
Life is enjoyable even in conditions that you're not use to and as long as you are willing, you can live, enjoy things around you. The never give up and get things right attitude I had in the military (friends tell me about) only takes longer by myself but it still works.
So when things do not go the way you want or even plan it's not over. You can live without so much that others think they have to have in their lives every day. My best friend is a Bulldog & I wouldn't have it any other way, dogs are honest, let's you know when they want something, needs something and like you the way you are unconditionally unlike people. To be like them would be great.

One thing I've learned is never feel bad for yourself, (It will never change the situation you are in or make anything better) others have it worse then you. Look at the people that have a body that works, even a minds and memory, but are so unhappy and believe they have to have more then what they can afford, more than what they can take care of and waist so much time getting themselves stuff? Life isn't about me, it's about others and 'time' should be the most important you can give another, so never waist the time your blessed with comparing things to others when you could better yourself or make that person smile in that same time. I hope this helps you understand more about challenge's and the outlook not only for yourself but some you may find helpful if you ever run into someone that just became, is becoming like myself.

Response by CPO Amb. Terry Earthwind Nichols made Oct 30 at 2016 9:53 PM

2016-10-30T21:53:36-04:00

As humans, we learn to mirror our environment. Where Veterans have trouble is when they do not learn to mirror their environment. Whiny people are not necessarily whiny. When you observe them more closely, you find that their environment caused them to be that way. Be the example without being the 'tough' military guy. Learn about the different generations and what their belief systems are then leading them is much easier. In other words - you mirror them.

Response by SGT David Crutchfield made Oct 31 at 2016 7:27 AM

2016-10-31T07:27:26-04:00

Being accepted back

Response by SGT David Crutchfield made Oct 31 at 2016 7:28 AM

2016-10-31T07:28:25-04:00

Being accepted back

Response by PO1 Private RallyPoint Member made Oct 31 at 2016 7:43 AM

2016-10-31T07:43:39-04:00

When you're gone for so long, you have relied on yourself to get things done; laundry, cleaning, food, shopping, etc. When you get home, you still have that mindset; you are still in your "zone".

Response by SCPO Jason McLaughlin made Oct 31 at 2016 9:23 AM

2016-10-31T09:23:36-04:00

Having a steady state relationship with my wife instead of the "honeymoon" and "leaving" that sea duty brings.

Response by MAJ Bill Darling made Nov 1 at 2016 6:50 AM

2016-11-01T06:50:39-04:00

In a very general sense, I suffered a real identity crisis that I had read about but never really understood, which seems to particularly effect men in relation to how they identify themselves. As a uniformed service member I felt like I was a member of a privileged club with instant acceptance when going to a new assignment. After separating, I didn't yet feel like a civilian (I still felt a sense of obligation, duty, camaraderie, etc) yet I was keenly aware that I was no longer a soldier, in part how I felt and in part how those in uniform did.

Response by CPT Tom Monahan made Nov 1 at 2016 6:59 AM

2016-11-01T06:59:40-04:00

Things can flip flop. You realize that work is only there to support you and your family with compensation. Limited social activity comes out of work. Civilians also have a what's in it for me mind set. That conflicts with our training and mission focus. Home life is more involved and it's great. Spending quality time with your spouse and kids can't be beat. After all, we work to support them.

Response by PO1 Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 1 at 2016 8:14 AM

2016-11-01T08:14:09-04:00

Based on professional and friendship, you kinda stray away from everyone. Since you're so far away from your duty station, you just lose touch with people. I don' know exactly how to explain it; I guess it something that you have to experience. There's just this void between you and your friends and no matter what you do, you can remove the void.

Response by Cpl Glynis Sakowicz made Nov 1 at 2016 10:14 AM

2016-11-01T10:14:35-04:00

Oh boy... where do I start? Marriage was reasonably easy, since we were both Marines. What really took some getting used to, was when the kids came along, and I was medically retired for an injury. Its hard when you are used to being IN, and suddenly you're watching your mate keep on going up in rank, while you fold baby cloths and try to figure out what teething medication works best.
Then there was work... away from the military, you find yourself grinding teeth at times of the people who work with you... you just want to stand back and bellow, "MOVE WITH SOME PURPOSE!!!" Or "Look, if you aren't going to do this, then get the hell out of the way!" neither of which go over well in a casual civilian office job, which was why I ended up managing fast food for many years, as I pushed to get my degree two or three courses at a time.
Its hard slowing down to average, when you were so intent on making rank that you pushed yourself at everything while in, and maybe that's why I had such a hard time in the outside world for so long.
Eventually, you settle in my friend, but there is this part of you that will never be LIKE other people, so get used to it, and just chalk it up to experiences that most people will never understand or have for themselves.

Response by Maj Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 1 at 2016 10:32 AM

2016-11-01T10:32:17-04:00

Nothing really challenging. Retired in 1990, worked for four companies before I completely retired spending 15 years with my last company.

Married 49 years to a wonderful beautiful woman who has made my life extremely happy and even happier now that we can spend every day together.

Response by PO1 Kaytee S made Nov 1 at 2016 11:05 AM

2016-11-01T11:05:26-04:00

Romantic... well, I married a sailor, so there was... understanding... of the military issues. Biggest adjustment was going from being "somebody" to being merely an ... accessory... to somebody.

Work/social.... The "culture" of workplaces are different, even if it is the same profession. Military was "get the job done, even if it's not what you usually do, and then take a break"; the "civilian" settings seemed to be very concerned with "not in my job description" and "it's time for my break" issues more than efficiency in finishing the task at hand. Also, there was more concern re: cost issues (I was a lab tech)-- if tests were not specifically ordered by an MD nor approved by a supervisor-- they were not done; in the same situations, when I was a HM-8507 (lab tech), we routinely did any follow-up testing on "out of range"/abnormal results, and could order tests, for self or others, as well. The other main adjustment needed, was working where a majority of the staff was female; different social dynamics, manners, speech, etc. than the Navy settings, even when interacting with male co-workers.

Response by PO1 Richard Cormier made Nov 1 at 2016 11:38 AM

2016-11-01T11:38:06-04:00

I Missed the "camaraderie" . When you are in the service, especially living in on-post housing, you know everyone and basically what they do. There is no divide (except officer/enlisted boundaries) whereas in civilian life your next door neighbor may be a doctor, dentist, Law Enforcement Officer, Drug Dealer, ... Some will look down on you, most just ignore all their neighbors. It was hard to adapt. (This was back in 1987 as well.)

Response by SP5 Michael Cates made Nov 1 at 2016 12:08 PM

2016-11-01T12:08:02-04:00

I have just recently figured out that about 47yr's ago in Chu Lai Vietnam a Dear John letter changed my relationships with women forever that day at mail call! All ok though! Still feel and know that I was so lucky to be sent back home to help in whatever way I could! So Blessed To Laughing whenever I can and keep smiling Because whatever happened back then! I know thousands that would love to be writing this right now getting ready to text his daughters that are growing up one that works for me and the other in Australia working and my wife that has gone to work out before going to work with me at our Business! BLESSED!!!! All said and done I am writing a book of my life before Vietnam, During and After! It will help me understand my life even more!!! Sp/5 Cates

Response by PO3 Ricky Foster made Nov 1 at 2016 4:07 PM

2016-11-01T16:07:23-04:00

There is no good "all for one answer". My original transition went fine since my civilian job closely resembled my military job. I was a Naval Corpsman assigned to the USMC and went to be a FF/Medic and tactical medic for SWAT. However home life went to pieces, my wife of 16 years and stayed with me thru my military career, left. She could take what I had become (we dated all thru high school). AS my PTSD grew worse (before PTSD was really recognized) I began to drink to sleep, without dreaming. when I was finally medically retired at age 40 i was lost. 6 years later I am really no better off. God has graced me with a forgiving daughter and a wonderful grand daughter and it is those 2 that get me thru each day with putting a bullet thru my brain. Find what you love, I recommend God first and hold it tight. Acceptance comes from the inside not from the outside but often I have to fake it to make it. I make myself leave the house, tho i never want to. My Service dog has made going out in public easier, and it is something i think many could benefit from.

Response by SFC John Hill made Nov 1 at 2016 7:17 PM

2016-11-01T19:17:23-04:00

After I retired I stopped in one of my old neighborhood bars. There were some of the same people, sitting on the same bar stools, telling the same fishing lies. They never changed, I did!

Response by SPC Byron Skinner made Nov 1 at 2016 8:11 PM

2016-11-01T20:11:35-04:00

Sp4 Byron Skinner..Since married the girl I took to the Senior Prom and she stuck with me through Vietnam and months in the hospital and we are still sleep in the same bed together that should speak for itself. In the job place, its really best just to not mention military service. To men and women who have served there is a high level of discrimination in both higher education and in the work place. I don't care if you are a time clock puncher or management it all there. The one that hurts the most is when you are given a raise that is less then a peer and you ask why and the response that you are getting VA Disability benefits so we adjusted for that. Serving your country is a sacrifice long after you have left active service. For female Veterans its much worse, the augment always get around to your sexuality and none of the choices are complimentary.

Response by SGT Todd Miller made Nov 1 at 2016 8:24 PM

2016-11-01T20:24:44-04:00

For whatever reason after I separated, I found that I was claustrophobic. People didn't and still don't understand my thinking. It took years to get over the claustrophobia and I still have trouble in a crowd. Like the security check point at Atlanta airport. I also still struggle with the 110% thing. People either say that I work too hard or they take advantage of me and test me to see how far I can go. I still haven't failed a test and have criss-crossed the US kicking A. That mentality has been a key to survival and a curse.

Response by 1LT Rich Voss made Nov 2 at 2016 12:43 AM

2016-11-02T00:43:35-04:00

I've never found a civilian boss of any level that could give me a true "lawful order" that would put me in jail if I questioned it, or didn't follow it to the letter. Yes, there could be professional consequences up to and including getting fired, but that's far different than CO authority. I've also never found closer friends or tighter bonds with people outside the Army than while I was on active duty. Perhaps police officers or firefighters have those relationships, but I haven't.

Response by MAJ Glenn Lasater made Nov 2 at 2016 2:03 AM

2016-11-02T02:03:36-04:00

I have to start by saying that I'm a couple of generations, and several conflicts, removed from today's military. Much has changed since I retired 30 years ago, but perhaps some things never change.

We retired from a 5 year tour in Germany so we had to deal with the culture shock of returning to the states while dealing with adjusting to retirement, finding a place to live, civilian schools for the kids, and finding a job. There were no programs for transition so we were pretty much on our own.

We'd been married for 19 years at that time and we thought we had a pretty strong relationship. The first issue we had to deal with was that our world no longer revolved around me, my job, my unit, or my duties. A military family is focused on supporting the service member with all the sacrifices and compromises inherent in that environment. Suddenly, we had no such focus. We worked very hard to reorient our focus on each other. My challenge was to seriously consider the family first in every major decision we faced. Patience, communication, and understanding are critical to maintaining your family relationships.

The second challenge is the sudden absence of a social life. In the service, we had several opportunities each month to get together with other couples, usually from the same unit, to eat, drink, dance, play, and strengthen bonds of trust and friendship. Additionally, I was involved in several other functions each month without the wife; Bosses' Night, Right Arm Night, Officer's call at the O Club, and other similar functions. Carol was also involved in activities that didn't include me, usually meetings and activities with the Officer's Wives Club. Those activities didn't exist in our new community so we had more leisure time to fill by ourselves. Took some time for us to get used to date night by ourselves and including the kids in our social activities.

The professional challenges are numerous and daunting. In uniform, it was common to trust your comrades without question until proven otherwise. Out here, you do that and they'll hand you your ass! Politics, back stabbing, and butt kissing are fairly routine career moves in civilian companies. It also quickly becomes evident that most civilian organizations have no concept of teamwork or leadership. In uniform, you can immediately identify a person's skill set, professional qualification and experience; usually just by looking at their uniform and talking with them for a few minutes. That isn't possible in a civilian environment. Some indications exist, i.e., larger office, reserved parking, admin assistant, and size of their staff, but you have to look harder. Adjusting to those challenges is critical if you expect to succeed in a civilian career. The longer you served, the more difficult the transition.

There are obvious challenges in transitioning from military service to civilian life but everyone has to face it and the overwhelming majority experience a successful transition. If I had to name one thing that would've helped me the most in making that transition it would be to have understood that I'll never really be a civilian. It took a long time to realize that I'm military, and always will be. I've successfully learned how to act like a civilian -- but it's only an act.

Response by LTC Private RallyPoint Member made Nov 2 at 2016 4:22 AM

2016-11-02T04:22:26-04:00

work for me is now just a means to an end, not part of who I am. When I leave for the evening, work stays at work.

Response by Sgt Janice Timoney made Nov 4 at 2016 3:24 PM

2016-11-04T15:24:01-04:00

Hardest transition for me has been relationships: I was not at all......am still am not... attracted to civilians. If there's another Jarhead in the room, that's where my attention goes. I sometimes wonder if I should seek away to overcome this as my results haven't been the best. Ha!
2nd hardest was professionally: When it comes to being a leader their immediate response is to label me as a "bitch who thinks she owns the place." But once they get finished with their jealous hissy fits they realize I lead by example and will work in any level or capacity to accomplish the mission. When they see the truth? Then their view shifts to one of acceptance and even....dare I say a friendship of sorts. This is always a fun thing for me to witness. However, I don't "fit in" in civilian jobs. Just can't get into the....sitting around wasting time mindset I see too often. I still move with purpose - continually. Guess that's why I can spot another Marine across a crowded room... It's quite nice when we can both stand with our backs to the wall and silently observe. LOL!
In truth transitioning was one of the hardest things I did in life in every aspect. It was a lonely, dark time. And writing this response makes me realize - didn't realize it before - all of my closest friends are Marines. Guess transition never actually happens in totality.

Response by SMSgt Lawrence McCarter made Nov 6 at 2016 11:35 PM

2016-11-06T23:35:02-05:00

My civilian job as a Police Officer had a lot in common with my Military job, standards of uniform, haircuts, shined shoes, teamwork. 90% of the officers were Armed Forces veterans up to and including the Chief of Police. My new girlfriend, whom I ended up marrying had two of Her sisters married to Police officers also and never tired to change what i did for a living. We have now been married over 39 years. while I was in the Police department i was also an IMA in the Air Force Reserve with an active duty USAF unit. That was also in a Law Enforcement position just as I had been on a prior 8 years active duty. I was also equipped with a BS degree in Criminal Justice. My wife supported Me on both the Military and civilian occupation. I didn't find the transition difficult at all.

Response by SP5 Michael Cates made Nov 10 at 2016 11:31 AM

2016-11-10T11:31:17-05:00

PTSD starts in the White House and then is sent to every soldier in a War or Conflict! Evident from Vietnam, Iraq, Afganistan and Syria! When the Soldier is set up to Loose and the War is Termed Lost! Then All the Soldiers become PTSD recipients thanks to people who are out of the War Zone! So who wants to be associated with a looser NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND NOT YOUR WIFE NOT YOUR BEST FRIEND NOT ANYONE!!!! So best advise came from my MOTHER! MOVE ON!!!!! Maybe revisit it 40 or 50 years later!!! Sp/5 Cates