The great "moo story". Have you ever heard four hundred Grade School kids go; "MOOOO! At the top of their lungs? All at the same time? Let me tell you, it is a sound that both makes you laugh, and you never forget. It happened to me, and the story has become a Local Legend among my Classmates.

I was in Eighth Grade at St. Richard's Catholic School. It was 1965, and I was fourteen years old. I asked a girl out (we shall call her Dianne) to the Movies. Back then, my town had just opened the biggest theater ever. Seated a thousand folks, and had the biggest screen in the state. On Saturdays they had a Matinee for way cheaper than normal. So I used some of my Paper Route money to take Dianne on a Date. We had kind of liked each other last school year, over the summer she grew from a little girl to a blossoming young lady...and over the summer, I started to become a young man. Horny.

So I asked her to go to the movies with me. She agreed. Well, it wasn't long until the movie was forgotten. We did gentle exploring kisses, and all the usual cuddling and soft talking that young coming of age kids do in the dark of a Theater. My first time ever doing French Kissing (tongues!). After words we ate popcorn and giggled because we didn't know the plot of the movie. Her Mom picked us up and took us home. I thought it was a wonderful date. And I had my first real kiss!

So Monday I go to School with my best friend Eddie. He would be my best friend for the next sixty years...until he passed at age sixty nine. And I can already hear him laughing as I tell this story. But he wasn't laughing when it originally happened, he was crying. Why? Well, back to the story.

Ed was in the other Eighth Grade Class, so I always waited outside the Cafeteria for his Class to show up, and we would go through the line together. He knew all about Dianne and my first kiss, because I went right over to his house that Saturday night to tell him all about it.

We walk in the Cafeteria and we are standing in line when we hear the entire Cafeteria filled with sixth, seventh, and eighth graders erupt in unison:

"MOOOOO! MOOOO! MOOOOOOO!"

I laughed out loud. I was hilarious I turn, and Eddie has shiny eyes, almost crying and he is mad.

"Ed, what's wrong?"

"Kev, they are mooing at you!"

"What? Why?"

To say I was confused would have been the world's biggest understatement. Part of me was still laughing as the Moooing continued for a bit, then a massive wall of laughter from those same four hundred kids followed. Ed then told me:

"Kev, at Recess Dianne told everyone she went out with you. And that you made out a little in the back of the theater."

Well, that made me blush, but it didn't explain the mooing.

"She told everyone that you kissed like a cow."

And that didn't make me blush, it made me mad. Four hundred people making fun of you is humiliating. And to find out that what you thought was a marvelous good time, and a first in your young life - was nothing but a joke to a girl you liked. Well, I never did like bullies. Male or female. So I did what I always did...I confronted her. Just like I would any other bully.

Ed said it was marvelous to behold. Did I mention I was the smallest kid in my Class- by far? So picture a four foot freckled read head built like Spanky from Spanky and the gang. Stocky, quick, and quite angry.

I went over to the table where Dianne and her friends were sitting. Back then, girls sat with girls, guys sat with guys. I hopped up onto her table with one jump (I had a good vertical for a little guy- and the extra boost that embarrassment provided) . I walked over everyone's lunch until I was towering over Dianne's place. Ed told me later I looked magnificent in my anger. Like a tiny Greek God unleashing his fury. LOL He said everyone was just opened mouth and slack jawed. And...quiet.

I yelled loud enough to let everyone hear. I was truly angry.

"Dianne, you were my first kiss. I didn't have any practice. I thought you liked me. If I wasn't doing it right, why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you teach me? When I left to go to the bathroom and came back, you were the one that pulled me back over to you and started kissing me again. "

There was a big gasp at that revelation. But I was just a wounded kid so I had no idea what I was saying. Ed says I was eloquent. LOL

"You just took a fantastic memory from me, and made it ugly. Don't you ever talk to me again. I will go find a cow, and practice."

I hopped back off the table and marched my little self right out the door to the playground. Ed followed. We went over to the monkey bars and just climbed and did pull-ups and chin-ups until I burned off the excess energy.

It was a very quiet rest of the Lunch break. Kids filtered out from the Cafeteria (we had an hour for lunch, so most kids wolfed down their lunch and went to the playground as soon as they could). It wasn't the usual loud boisterous lunch time. Soon a small trickle of kids started to come over to Ed and I. Mostly girls.

They came to apologize to me. Some were crying. Some were sad looking. Some well, some just wanted to see my reaction. Most of the boys came over and punched me in the Arm and said:

"It's okay, none of us were good kissers on the first try. Heck remember when you couldn't make free throws? It takes practice."


Couldn't ask for better friends. And then Dianne came out. If you think four hundred kids going "MOOO!" is a sight, watching four hundred kids make a pathway like Moses in the movies, so Dianne could walk up to me. And then all of them closing in to see and hear what happens...is a close second.

Dianne had tears streaming down her face. She was clearly upset. And ashamed.

"Kevin. I just told a few of my friends. I told them we had a good time. You were fun, polite, and a gentlemen. You didn't try and push things. I had a good time. You just had a sloppy kiss. (Ouch). I only told my best friends about it. I never expected everyone to know. I am so sorry."

I admired her spunk. The courage it took to walk up to me in front of the entire playground full of kids, well, I had to reward that. I gave her a hug. "

"It's okay, Dianne. You didn't do anything wrong. I am just a lousy kisser."

There was complete silence.

Then I broke the spell, and waves of laugher peeled out of the parking lot playground:

"But I am going to go kiss a cow and find out how you know the difference."

And that became the legend of the first kiss. Ed and I laughed about it many times, that sound was hilarious. At the Halloween Dance just a few months later, I showed up dressed as a cow. This time the laughter was with me, not at me.