Posted on Jun 17, 2019
What do I do when I find out my daughter (13) has been sexually assaulted?
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Recently, I was in Cleveland to attend to some family business. The kids (13, 11, 9, and 6) all have various electronics to surf the net, play games, etc, and I periodically go through them to ensure their activities are acceptable and safe. When I got to my daughter's laptop, I was floored by what I saw. I will spare you the gory details, but it was every parent's worst nightmare.
I was aware she had a "boyfriend" - whatever that means in 7th grade - and they chatted online a lot. It had been a topic in the past as I saw her grades slipping because chatting overtook homework in importance. But this... was out of control. It is one thing to be crude online, but this was thousands upon thousands of messages, about 80% of which had some kind of sexual angle. There were requests for pictures. Discussions about planning activities... that was bad enough. Until I found a discussion about consent that got my immediate and undivided attention. Apparently, that was in question, and some of my daughter's friends knew about it. That explained why her friends don't like him. In this thread, he (also 13) is telling her to lie about consent to her friends and sanitize her diary so her parents won't find out.
Now, up until Memorial Day, I thought all they had done was talk at school. Then I find out that her mother (has 10% custody) had him over to her house, and took my daughter to his house twice (!) - I guess I didn't need to know that. Well, on each of those occasions, some activity occurred at least one of those times non-consensual. I have an ax to grind with my ex, but that is secondary.
I called the little bastard's parents and made them aware of the situation. His mom was evasive, and denied things, and then tried to get off the phone with me. Whatever she did was ineffective, because the turd keeps trying to contact my daughter - as you might guess, she is not online, but I am - and he's desperately trying to manipulate her into lying for him. I took her to the police on Friday and made a report. A Detective was assigned and will be paying the lad a visit, which should be the wake up call for his folks.
I have my daughter under close scrutiny. She just doesn't have the experience to handle all of this, and I am deeply worried about her. I support her, talk to her, tell her it isn't her fault and that I love her. Counseling is a bit down the road, but will also happen. There are also indications in her correspondence that suicide has been contemplated, and eating disorders may also be an issue.
Any suggestions?
I was aware she had a "boyfriend" - whatever that means in 7th grade - and they chatted online a lot. It had been a topic in the past as I saw her grades slipping because chatting overtook homework in importance. But this... was out of control. It is one thing to be crude online, but this was thousands upon thousands of messages, about 80% of which had some kind of sexual angle. There were requests for pictures. Discussions about planning activities... that was bad enough. Until I found a discussion about consent that got my immediate and undivided attention. Apparently, that was in question, and some of my daughter's friends knew about it. That explained why her friends don't like him. In this thread, he (also 13) is telling her to lie about consent to her friends and sanitize her diary so her parents won't find out.
Now, up until Memorial Day, I thought all they had done was talk at school. Then I find out that her mother (has 10% custody) had him over to her house, and took my daughter to his house twice (!) - I guess I didn't need to know that. Well, on each of those occasions, some activity occurred at least one of those times non-consensual. I have an ax to grind with my ex, but that is secondary.
I called the little bastard's parents and made them aware of the situation. His mom was evasive, and denied things, and then tried to get off the phone with me. Whatever she did was ineffective, because the turd keeps trying to contact my daughter - as you might guess, she is not online, but I am - and he's desperately trying to manipulate her into lying for him. I took her to the police on Friday and made a report. A Detective was assigned and will be paying the lad a visit, which should be the wake up call for his folks.
I have my daughter under close scrutiny. She just doesn't have the experience to handle all of this, and I am deeply worried about her. I support her, talk to her, tell her it isn't her fault and that I love her. Counseling is a bit down the road, but will also happen. There are also indications in her correspondence that suicide has been contemplated, and eating disorders may also be an issue.
Any suggestions?
Posted in these groups: 
Sexual Assault
Parenting
Suicide
Eating and Diet
Military Sexual Trauma (MST)
Sexual Assault Parenting Suicide Eating and Diet Military Sexual Trauma (MST)
Edited 5 y ago
Posted 5 y ago
Responses: 32
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Suggestion 1 -
A restraining order. Even if the police don't find enough to get this kid a nice new set of bracelets, he should be told in a legal manner to never contact your daughter again.
Suggestion 2 -
Counseling sooner than later. It never hurts to confirm that your daughter is taken care of.
A restraining order. Even if the police don't find enough to get this kid a nice new set of bracelets, he should be told in a legal manner to never contact your daughter again.
Suggestion 2 -
Counseling sooner than later. It never hurts to confirm that your daughter is taken care of.
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SSG Trevor S.
1SG (Join to see) be vigilant at this time. Sometimes such a notice will set off reactions. We’re all here for you and your family.
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1SG (Join to see)
SSG Trevor S. - So far. About 6 sessions with a counselor. This will be a long process.
Thank you for your continued interest.
Thank you for your continued interest.
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Papa bear, I think you've done exactly everything that you can. Only thing I can add is maybe a visit with the chaplain (who you trust and follows your, if any, faith) or someone of a religious nature that you BOTH trust, if that's a good angle for you both. I think the hardest part of all this for you is going to realize that you may not be able to fix or solve this for her. Ultimately this is a trial she will have to work through, at least she has your support. In terms of the religious side, I may be able to provide some assistance offline.
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1SG (Join to see)
I don't know, man.
I'm a man of God, but this kind of thing shakes you pretty hard. Mostly I am just grieving for her. But I have stuff to do about it, and that helps.
It definitely made Father's Day have a dual meaning, with the kids giving me cards like "best dad ever". I couldn't disagree with that sentiment more right now.
I'm a man of God, but this kind of thing shakes you pretty hard. Mostly I am just grieving for her. But I have stuff to do about it, and that helps.
It definitely made Father's Day have a dual meaning, with the kids giving me cards like "best dad ever". I couldn't disagree with that sentiment more right now.
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SFC Marc W.
The fact that you even know all this, by going through the internet devices and such shows you're on top of it. Sometimes in these types, there's only so much you can do even though you want to keep doing more. She may want you there, she may want space, she's gonna go through a lot of emotions, just like you are.
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I’m a Guard 11B that works in Law Enforcement on the civilian side as a Detective. I would HIGHLY suggest that you bring her to an advocate and have her establish at least a small amount of rapport with them, it will make this process easier on her when she is ready to talk. A lot of times with our profession we are very much in the “ get it solved quickly” mindset, but with things like this it can take time. I don’t know much about the dynamics of your family but It sounds like you two have an open line of communication, which is amazing. Be her advocate, be her sounding board, and keep ensuring her that she is not the one at fault. If you need any further guidance or help please don’t hesitate to contact me.
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1SG (Join to see)
Thank you very much for the insight. I know what to do (I think), I am a SARC on the Army side, Still, emotions are a factor here, mine and hers.
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