2
2
0
Hello,
Hope everyone is doing well through the cold months. My recruiter is new to OCS applications (I am his first OCS applicant) and he isn't too familiar with the expected essay contents aside from formatting, so I was hoping I could get some feedback on my Officer Essay:
Navigating the crossroads of my Indian heritage and American upbringing, I've cultivated a unique perspective which positions me to effectively lead with empathy and strategic foresight. Each step, imbued with lessons of resilience, empathy, and unyielding commitment, has galvanized my resolve to serve as an Army officer, where I can channel these experiences into fostering excellence within my fellow soldiers. My journey has been shaped by numerous challenges, including moments of profound defeat. However, I have strove daily to forge myself into a better man. My successes up until now have been hard-fought, and that is my greatest pride. I sincerely believe that these experiences have prepared me for the rigors and responsibilities of a leadership role in the Army, where I aim to be a beacon of guidance and selfless service within this esteemed institution.
As an assistant manager at a bustling Italian restaurant, I honed my leadership abilities in a demanding environment. Managing the store, taking orders, delegating tasks to employees, coordinating delivery routes, and troubleshooting hardware and software issues were all part of my daily responsibilities. There were 12 hour shifts that were spent entirely on my feet, moving from one task to another. Balancing this role while attending college, I learned the importance of adaptability, effective time management, and how to make critical decisions under pressure. Additionally, my involvement in the Rutgers Undergraduate Student Alliance of Computer Scientists greatly influenced my passion for leadership. I contributed to Hacker hours biweekly and led a group on the side where we worked on various programming and cybersecurity projects. This experience in managing complex projects and guiding a team helped to further develop my leadership and technical skills.
My volunteer work with The American Cancer Society, particularly in the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer campaign, has ingrained a profound sense of service and empathy within me. This cause had a deep personal connection due to my mother's battle with cancer, which she waged valiantly. I never had the privilege of knowing her as I grew up, but she still passed on her fighting spirit to me. As I volunteered, I engaged in fundraising, coordination, and serving as the event photographer and editor. Working alongside and in service of people who continue to fight and overcome monumental odds helped put my personal challenges into perspective, strengthened both my compassion and my fierce resolve.
While in OCS, and when I become an officer, I will ensure that I do my best to lift up my fellow soldiers, first and foremost. I believe that a true leader is one that facilitates the success of those around them. I am driven by this commitment to leadership, dedication to service, and an ambition to positively impact the lives of soldiers and the broader community. I am eager to bring my experiences and skills to the Army, ready to face the challenges and embrace the responsibilities that come with this honorable role.
Thanks for reading. One thing I was unsure of is whether I should explicitly state that I graduated from Rutgers with a B.S. in Computer Science. I thought that it would be implied that I was a computer science student because I mentioned the Rutgers CS club I was a part of.
Thanks for your time.
Hope everyone is doing well through the cold months. My recruiter is new to OCS applications (I am his first OCS applicant) and he isn't too familiar with the expected essay contents aside from formatting, so I was hoping I could get some feedback on my Officer Essay:
Navigating the crossroads of my Indian heritage and American upbringing, I've cultivated a unique perspective which positions me to effectively lead with empathy and strategic foresight. Each step, imbued with lessons of resilience, empathy, and unyielding commitment, has galvanized my resolve to serve as an Army officer, where I can channel these experiences into fostering excellence within my fellow soldiers. My journey has been shaped by numerous challenges, including moments of profound defeat. However, I have strove daily to forge myself into a better man. My successes up until now have been hard-fought, and that is my greatest pride. I sincerely believe that these experiences have prepared me for the rigors and responsibilities of a leadership role in the Army, where I aim to be a beacon of guidance and selfless service within this esteemed institution.
As an assistant manager at a bustling Italian restaurant, I honed my leadership abilities in a demanding environment. Managing the store, taking orders, delegating tasks to employees, coordinating delivery routes, and troubleshooting hardware and software issues were all part of my daily responsibilities. There were 12 hour shifts that were spent entirely on my feet, moving from one task to another. Balancing this role while attending college, I learned the importance of adaptability, effective time management, and how to make critical decisions under pressure. Additionally, my involvement in the Rutgers Undergraduate Student Alliance of Computer Scientists greatly influenced my passion for leadership. I contributed to Hacker hours biweekly and led a group on the side where we worked on various programming and cybersecurity projects. This experience in managing complex projects and guiding a team helped to further develop my leadership and technical skills.
My volunteer work with The American Cancer Society, particularly in the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer campaign, has ingrained a profound sense of service and empathy within me. This cause had a deep personal connection due to my mother's battle with cancer, which she waged valiantly. I never had the privilege of knowing her as I grew up, but she still passed on her fighting spirit to me. As I volunteered, I engaged in fundraising, coordination, and serving as the event photographer and editor. Working alongside and in service of people who continue to fight and overcome monumental odds helped put my personal challenges into perspective, strengthened both my compassion and my fierce resolve.
While in OCS, and when I become an officer, I will ensure that I do my best to lift up my fellow soldiers, first and foremost. I believe that a true leader is one that facilitates the success of those around them. I am driven by this commitment to leadership, dedication to service, and an ambition to positively impact the lives of soldiers and the broader community. I am eager to bring my experiences and skills to the Army, ready to face the challenges and embrace the responsibilities that come with this honorable role.
Thanks for reading. One thing I was unsure of is whether I should explicitly state that I graduated from Rutgers with a B.S. in Computer Science. I thought that it would be implied that I was a computer science student because I mentioned the Rutgers CS club I was a part of.
Thanks for your time.
Posted in these groups: 
OCS
Officer Candidate School (OCS) (Army)
Career Advice
Career Counselor
Help
OCS Officer Candidate School (OCS) (Army) Career Advice Career Counselor Help
Posted 3 mo ago
Responses: 11
6
6
0
The boards that I have been on asked for an essay on why they wanted to be an officer. Your essay reads more like a resume of skills that you have acquired. Did someone inspire you? Are you following in a family tradition? Why do you want to commision in the military?
(6)
(0)
Nicely written. One refinement recommendation. Instead of "lift up my fellow soldiers..." just have "lift my fellow soldiers."
However, the one thing I am not seeing really, is WHY you want to become an Officer in the US Army. You talked about aspects and characteristics of what a Leader should have, and you talked about this is driving you but your words merely encompassed a sentence or two about why....and even then it was a tad vague for me. You talked quite a bit, in detail, about your experiences that could help you, but what I would like to see is how your past experiences will help the Army and what is driving you to wanting to be an Officer.
However, the one thing I am not seeing really, is WHY you want to become an Officer in the US Army. You talked about aspects and characteristics of what a Leader should have, and you talked about this is driving you but your words merely encompassed a sentence or two about why....and even then it was a tad vague for me. You talked quite a bit, in detail, about your experiences that could help you, but what I would like to see is how your past experiences will help the Army and what is driving you to wanting to be an Officer.
(5)
(0)
Rahul M
Thank you for the feedback! Could you please give me an example of how I would specifically describe Why I want to become an officer? Would it be something like: "I have a strong desire to lead and assist in the Army's directive to 'fight and win the nations wars'."?
(1)
(0)
MSG (Join to see)
Rahul M that's a good start. But, that also reads like you're taking those words from a book. I would want to hear (or rather read) in your own words why you want to be am Officer. What is driving you to want to be one.
(2)
(0)
Rahul M
MSG (Join to see) - I understand! I just wanted to confirm the broad direction I should proceed in for my revision. I will try to refine it based on your advice. Thank you!
(2)
(0)
Suspended Profile
Rahul M, the essay's current tone reflects a college graduate level, but I believe you could convey the same message more succinctly; by about 200 fewer words.
Word choice, structure, and style. Using the first paragraph as an example and keeping the first sentence, the remaining 110 words could be reduced to just 45 words. E.g., "Fueled by resilience and an unwavering commitment, I am driven to serve as an Army officer, channeling my experiences to foster excellence among my fellow soldiers. Despite facing significant challenges and moments of defeat, I continuously strive for personal growth, finding pride in hard-fought successes." Recommend that you rely on words and phrases that are used in ordinary everyday language and that convey exactly what you mean. Aiming to become "a beacon of guidance" is not an engaging metaphor (slightly poetic actually) and is not needed to convey your thesis.
Your essay is about why you want to become an officer, but have you thought about why you want to be a Soldier? I feel like I wanted to read that in your essay. I'm betting that if you were able to weave that personal aspect of yourself into why you want to become an officer it could enable the reader to connect with you on a personal level too. We're all Soldiers, regardless of rank.
Lastly, if you have a diploma from Rutgers in CS then it will be included in your application packet and the panel members will be able to review your transcripts. Therefore you do not have to imply anything about your academics nor do you have to repeat any facts that are already included in your packet.
Word choice, structure, and style. Using the first paragraph as an example and keeping the first sentence, the remaining 110 words could be reduced to just 45 words. E.g., "Fueled by resilience and an unwavering commitment, I am driven to serve as an Army officer, channeling my experiences to foster excellence among my fellow soldiers. Despite facing significant challenges and moments of defeat, I continuously strive for personal growth, finding pride in hard-fought successes." Recommend that you rely on words and phrases that are used in ordinary everyday language and that convey exactly what you mean. Aiming to become "a beacon of guidance" is not an engaging metaphor (slightly poetic actually) and is not needed to convey your thesis.
Your essay is about why you want to become an officer, but have you thought about why you want to be a Soldier? I feel like I wanted to read that in your essay. I'm betting that if you were able to weave that personal aspect of yourself into why you want to become an officer it could enable the reader to connect with you on a personal level too. We're all Soldiers, regardless of rank.
Lastly, if you have a diploma from Rutgers in CS then it will be included in your application packet and the panel members will be able to review your transcripts. Therefore you do not have to imply anything about your academics nor do you have to repeat any facts that are already included in your packet.
Read This Next
Continue with Facebook 
Continue with Google