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I love a good laugh, and I almost always have a joke to share. With all the serious threads around, I'd like to see a few more light hearted ones. So if you have a joke, feel free to share it here. It can be military related if you like, but it doesn't have to be. In fact, I have a contribution to start us out. Let's share some humor and get everyone laughing!
Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence," the man says. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."
"That's really an incredible coincidence," he answers. "I work for the 3M Corporation."
An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets.
The man says, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons. What a coincidence."
After hearing this, everyone's attention turns to the fourth guy who has just fainted. He slowly regains consciousness and whispers, "I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers."
Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence," the man says. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."
"That's really an incredible coincidence," he answers. "I work for the 3M Corporation."
An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets.
The man says, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons. What a coincidence."
After hearing this, everyone's attention turns to the fourth guy who has just fainted. He slowly regains consciousness and whispers, "I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers."
Humor
Fun
Posted 11 y ago
Responses: 20
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think fast.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think fast.
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A Taliban Army platoon was on patrol when the commander noticed a lone Marine standing on a hilltop in their area.
The commander told two of his soldiers to go take out the Marine, so they dropped their packs and promptly ran as fast as they could toward him.
Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill. The two soldiers followed. For the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the Marine came up on the hilltop. He brushed off his cammies, straightened his cover, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the Taliban soldiers.
The infuriated commander called for a squad to go get the Marine. They promptly ran as fast as they could toward him. Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill. The squad followed, and for the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the Marine came up on the hilltop. Brushed off his cammies, straightened his cover, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the Taliban soldiers once again.
The commander was really hot now. He ordered the rest of his platoon to attack the Marine. Determined that Taliban soldiers were far superior to one lone Marine, they had blood in their eyes as they ran up the hill.
Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill. The bloodthirsty soldiers followed. For many minutes there were horrific screams and dust flying in the air. It continued and continued.
Finally, one lone Taliban soldier came crawling back to the commander, all bloody and beat about the head and shoulders. His uniform was torn; cuts were all over his body. The commander asked for a report. The lone soldier, trying to catch his breath, replied in a forceful and trembling voice:
"Sir,...run,...it's a trick. There are TWO of them!!"
The commander told two of his soldiers to go take out the Marine, so they dropped their packs and promptly ran as fast as they could toward him.
Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill. The two soldiers followed. For the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the Marine came up on the hilltop. He brushed off his cammies, straightened his cover, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the Taliban soldiers.
The infuriated commander called for a squad to go get the Marine. They promptly ran as fast as they could toward him. Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill. The squad followed, and for the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the Marine came up on the hilltop. Brushed off his cammies, straightened his cover, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the Taliban soldiers once again.
The commander was really hot now. He ordered the rest of his platoon to attack the Marine. Determined that Taliban soldiers were far superior to one lone Marine, they had blood in their eyes as they ran up the hill.
Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill. The bloodthirsty soldiers followed. For many minutes there were horrific screams and dust flying in the air. It continued and continued.
Finally, one lone Taliban soldier came crawling back to the commander, all bloody and beat about the head and shoulders. His uniform was torn; cuts were all over his body. The commander asked for a report. The lone soldier, trying to catch his breath, replied in a forceful and trembling voice:
"Sir,...run,...it's a trick. There are TWO of them!!"
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SSG Maurice P.
yes indeed i knew afew of them kinds of MARINES for real 2 come to mind from the early 1980's kenny warnock and vinny b-10 from brooklyn new york and a slew of others semper fi
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I'm going to share a joke that came from SSG Woods mom. So its not mines:
A young man went off to war and had to leave his ma and pa back at the farm, awhile later the son gets a letter from his pa, it said " Dear Son, I hope this letter finds you well and safe. Me and Ma's not doing to good, My back went out last week and I didn't get to finish plowing the lower forty to plant our crop, so it looks like its going to be a hard winter! Ma sends her love but she can't write right no, cause she fell and broke her arm. well son, guess I'll close for no...w, take care and God Bless! love always Pa! A couple weeks pass and Pa receives a letter from his son, " Dear pa, I hope this letter finds you and Ma better, I'm sorry I can't be there to help, but whatever you do, DON'T plant nothing in that lower forty, that's where I hid the body's, give Ma my love! forever your faithful son. A couple days later, the FBI comes to the farm with backhoes and digs up the whole forty, found nothing so they left, a few days later another letter comes from the son. Dear Pa, hope this letter finds you and Ma better, hope that helped!! forever your loving faithful son!!
A young man went off to war and had to leave his ma and pa back at the farm, awhile later the son gets a letter from his pa, it said " Dear Son, I hope this letter finds you well and safe. Me and Ma's not doing to good, My back went out last week and I didn't get to finish plowing the lower forty to plant our crop, so it looks like its going to be a hard winter! Ma sends her love but she can't write right no, cause she fell and broke her arm. well son, guess I'll close for no...w, take care and God Bless! love always Pa! A couple weeks pass and Pa receives a letter from his son, " Dear pa, I hope this letter finds you and Ma better, I'm sorry I can't be there to help, but whatever you do, DON'T plant nothing in that lower forty, that's where I hid the body's, give Ma my love! forever your faithful son. A couple days later, the FBI comes to the farm with backhoes and digs up the whole forty, found nothing so they left, a few days later another letter comes from the son. Dear Pa, hope this letter finds you and Ma better, hope that helped!! forever your loving faithful son!!
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I just received this from Pappy an old RVN tanker.
Blast me if you must but I found it funny as hell......if not completely PC
IN RESPONSE TO ALL THE RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT OUR DOG: PLEASE BE ADVISED, WE ARE SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT HIM.
YES, HE BIT SIX PEOPLE WEARING OBAMA T-SHIRTS, FOUR PEOPLE WEARING PELOSI T-SHIRTS, TWO CAR DRIVERS WITH RAP MUSIC BLARING FROM THEIR VEHICLES, NINE TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR ASS CRACKS, THREE FLAG BURNERS, AND A PAKISTANI TAXI DRIVER.
FOR THE LAST TIME. . .THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!
NO, I DO NOT APPROVE OF HIS SMOKING, BUT HE SAYS IT HELPS GET THE "BAD TASTE" OUT OF HIS MOUTH.
Blast me if you must but I found it funny as hell......if not completely PC
IN RESPONSE TO ALL THE RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT OUR DOG: PLEASE BE ADVISED, WE ARE SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT HIM.
YES, HE BIT SIX PEOPLE WEARING OBAMA T-SHIRTS, FOUR PEOPLE WEARING PELOSI T-SHIRTS, TWO CAR DRIVERS WITH RAP MUSIC BLARING FROM THEIR VEHICLES, NINE TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR ASS CRACKS, THREE FLAG BURNERS, AND A PAKISTANI TAXI DRIVER.
FOR THE LAST TIME. . .THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!
NO, I DO NOT APPROVE OF HIS SMOKING, BUT HE SAYS IT HELPS GET THE "BAD TASTE" OUT OF HIS MOUTH.
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This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!
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A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
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A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It clearly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!"
The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, It's worth a shot.
So he went to the house of the lady who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost-brand-new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "Can I take it for a test drive?"
"Sure," answered the lady.
Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly.
When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"
Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, "You can have the house and the furniture. Just sell my Porsche and send me the money.'"
The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, It's worth a shot.
So he went to the house of the lady who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost-brand-new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "Can I take it for a test drive?"
"Sure," answered the lady.
Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly.
When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"
Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, "You can have the house and the furniture. Just sell my Porsche and send me the money.'"
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Pastor's warning
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the pastor's wife.
Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?" The friend
doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After the services, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of
stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the pastor...
"My friend is screwing your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you
occupied."
The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died five years ago"
--
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the pastor's wife.
Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?" The friend
doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After the services, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of
stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the pastor...
"My friend is screwing your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you
occupied."
The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died five years ago"
--
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MSgt Marvin Kinderknecht
This guy asked these to girls if they were sisters. One said no-we are not even Catholics.
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There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck-" and the farmer shot him.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck-" and the farmer shot him.
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