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I love a good laugh, and I almost always have a joke to share. With all the serious threads around, I'd like to see a few more light hearted ones. So if you have a joke, feel free to share it here. It can be military related if you like, but it doesn't have to be. In fact, I have a contribution to start us out. Let's share some humor and get everyone laughing!
Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence," the man says. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."
"That's really an incredible coincidence," he answers. "I work for the 3M Corporation."
An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets.
The man says, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons. What a coincidence."
After hearing this, everyone's attention turns to the fourth guy who has just fainted. He slowly regains consciousness and whispers, "I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers."
Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence," the man says. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."
"That's really an incredible coincidence," he answers. "I work for the 3M Corporation."
An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets.
The man says, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons. What a coincidence."
After hearing this, everyone's attention turns to the fourth guy who has just fainted. He slowly regains consciousness and whispers, "I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers."
Humor
Fun
Posted 11 y ago
Responses: 20
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How I learned to Mind my own Business:
I was walking past the mental hospital one day and all the patients were shouting...."13,13,13".
The fence was too high for me to see over, but I saw a little gap between the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they started shouting "14,14,14!"
I was walking past the mental hospital one day and all the patients were shouting...."13,13,13".
The fence was too high for me to see over, but I saw a little gap between the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they started shouting "14,14,14!"
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A duck walking to a hardware store and asks the manager, "Do you have any duck feed".
The manager replies, "No".
The ducks comes back the next day to the same hardware store and asks the same question and receives the same answer, no. The duck leaves.
The duck repeats the same action and receives the same answer, no for the third day.
The manager gets upsets and says to the duck, "If you come in here and again and ask about duck feed, and I am going to take some nails and nail your little web feet to the ground". The duck leaves.
Finally, the duck come back for the fourth try and asks the manager, "Do you have any nails"
The manager replies, "No" and the duck proceeds to ask the next question, "Do you have any duck feed".
The manager replies, "No".
The ducks comes back the next day to the same hardware store and asks the same question and receives the same answer, no. The duck leaves.
The duck repeats the same action and receives the same answer, no for the third day.
The manager gets upsets and says to the duck, "If you come in here and again and ask about duck feed, and I am going to take some nails and nail your little web feet to the ground". The duck leaves.
Finally, the duck come back for the fourth try and asks the manager, "Do you have any nails"
The manager replies, "No" and the duck proceeds to ask the next question, "Do you have any duck feed".
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SGT (Join to see)
LMAO! Now that's funny. =) Maybe some people didn't get it if they don't use keyboard shortcuts, but I use CTRL-S to save all the time.
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Here are a few more...
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No. I just feel bad that you're standing alone."
Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Student: A teacher!
And of course, always remember not to drink and park. Accidents cause children.
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No. I just feel bad that you're standing alone."
Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Student: A teacher!
And of course, always remember not to drink and park. Accidents cause children.
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How long can you read down this list before you start shaking your head? 50 of the cheesiest jokes I've ever read...
1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
2. I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
3. The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
4. A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
5. What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.
6. What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!
7. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
8. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.
9. There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
10. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
11. So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
12. A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.
13. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
14. Why don’t you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
15. Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.
16. How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.
17. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
18. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
19. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.
20. Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
21. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well known six offender.
22. What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
23. My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
24. What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.
25. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.
26. How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes.
27. What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.
28. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
29. Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”
30. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.
31. Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!
32. Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!
33. What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.
34. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
36. Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
37. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
38. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
39. What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
40. How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
41. PMS should just be called ovary-acting.
42. Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells.
43. Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.
44. Learn sign language, it’s very handy.
45. I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.
46. You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.
47. What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
48. Dry erase boards are remarkable.
49. Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
50. How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
2. I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
3. The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
4. A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
5. What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.
6. What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!
7. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
8. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.
9. There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
10. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
11. So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
12. A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.
13. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
14. Why don’t you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
15. Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.
16. How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.
17. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
18. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
19. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.
20. Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
21. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well known six offender.
22. What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
23. My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
24. What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.
25. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.
26. How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes.
27. What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.
28. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
29. Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”
30. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.
31. Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!
32. Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!
33. What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.
34. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
36. Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
37. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
38. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
39. What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
40. How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
41. PMS should just be called ovary-acting.
42. Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells.
43. Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.
44. Learn sign language, it’s very handy.
45. I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.
46. You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.
47. What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
48. Dry erase boards are remarkable.
49. Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
50. How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
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How many General Scwarzkopf's does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one- but really, all he has to do is show it he's serious, and it will start working again for a while. You'll still have to fix it right later, though, if you don't let him follow through.
Only one- but really, all he has to do is show it he's serious, and it will start working again for a while. You'll still have to fix it right later, though, if you don't let him follow through.
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The Drill Sargent was walking down the line asking recruits where they were from. One recruit shouted, SIR, I'm from VIRGINA , Sir. (much laughter).
My wife still has a Coke bottle figure. Only it is more like a liter bottle.
My wife still has a Coke bottle figure. Only it is more like a liter bottle.
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Suspended Profile
Yes, see the weekly "stolen valor" sports page at https://www.rallypoint.com/answers/so-it-is-time-for-the-weekly-what-is-wrong-with-this this is a great joke...
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Why was the tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing.
Yeah. Vegetable humor. Don't judge me.
Yeah. Vegetable humor. Don't judge me.
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