Posted on Oct 25, 2015
Can you please review my personal statement for Navy OCS?
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I am in the process of setting my packet in order to be reviewed for Navy OCS. Please. If you have the time review my personal statement and indicate where I can improve?
I am applying to be an intel officer or IW officer.
Here it is. Thanks in advance. Also I am having a few English teachers review this for grammar. I mostly need content help.
I hold my country and the ideals of the Constitution in the highest esteem and only desire to serve my country and to labor in making it better. I have already made the commitment to serve and to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States. In doing so I have become a Non Commissioned Officer in the United States Army. The primary reason I seek to commission in the United States Navy is in acknowledgement of the fact that leadership is Influence. I seek to influence people in a positive manner and to provide a haven for growth and development, not just as sailors or soldiers, but as professionals, Americans, and as humans. As a Naval Officer I will be able to have a wider reaching impact and help set future generations on the path to keep America Strong.
I am a trained Intelligence Analyst with five and a half years of experience. I have experience that ranges from Tactical to Theater level commands and have produced hundreds of intelligence products that have been used in military planning at the Battalion level in Afghanistan, to products that were briefed to the Commanders of US Forces Korea. My competence as an analyst has twice been awarded with Impact Army Achievement Medals and saw me promoted to Sergeant in less than 3 years in the Army. I am skilled with a number of Intelligence systems and platforms including Distributed Common ground System (DCGS), Palantir, and Falconview to name a few. I am also familiar with many Information, Surveillance, and Reconnaissance (ISR) Assets and capabilities. I seek to bring my experience and knowledge to the US Navy as an officer, to enhance my skill set, and to continue to provide the highest quality products for the security of this nation.
I have understanding of and experience in leadership. I have been called a natural leader and have developed that natural trait through school and through the Army. My degree may be considered soft to the Navy’s expectation but where it lacked sciences and mathematics it picked up courses on leadership, planning, administration, management, and critical thinking. The Army gave me an arena in which to practice and hone those skills then developed them further with NCO Professional Development School, the Leadership Training Program, and most importantly practical hands on experience. I have consistently held positions above my paygrade based on leadership potential and experience.
Becoming an officer in the US Navy will give me the chance to operate fully in my natural gifts and abilities. It will allow me to thrive and to develop further than possible as an enlisted soldier in leadership and technical proficiency. I am excited about the possibility of serving my country as a Naval Officer. If selected I will continue to provide my best and I will become a truly outstanding Officer.
I am applying to be an intel officer or IW officer.
Here it is. Thanks in advance. Also I am having a few English teachers review this for grammar. I mostly need content help.
I hold my country and the ideals of the Constitution in the highest esteem and only desire to serve my country and to labor in making it better. I have already made the commitment to serve and to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States. In doing so I have become a Non Commissioned Officer in the United States Army. The primary reason I seek to commission in the United States Navy is in acknowledgement of the fact that leadership is Influence. I seek to influence people in a positive manner and to provide a haven for growth and development, not just as sailors or soldiers, but as professionals, Americans, and as humans. As a Naval Officer I will be able to have a wider reaching impact and help set future generations on the path to keep America Strong.
I am a trained Intelligence Analyst with five and a half years of experience. I have experience that ranges from Tactical to Theater level commands and have produced hundreds of intelligence products that have been used in military planning at the Battalion level in Afghanistan, to products that were briefed to the Commanders of US Forces Korea. My competence as an analyst has twice been awarded with Impact Army Achievement Medals and saw me promoted to Sergeant in less than 3 years in the Army. I am skilled with a number of Intelligence systems and platforms including Distributed Common ground System (DCGS), Palantir, and Falconview to name a few. I am also familiar with many Information, Surveillance, and Reconnaissance (ISR) Assets and capabilities. I seek to bring my experience and knowledge to the US Navy as an officer, to enhance my skill set, and to continue to provide the highest quality products for the security of this nation.
I have understanding of and experience in leadership. I have been called a natural leader and have developed that natural trait through school and through the Army. My degree may be considered soft to the Navy’s expectation but where it lacked sciences and mathematics it picked up courses on leadership, planning, administration, management, and critical thinking. The Army gave me an arena in which to practice and hone those skills then developed them further with NCO Professional Development School, the Leadership Training Program, and most importantly practical hands on experience. I have consistently held positions above my paygrade based on leadership potential and experience.
Becoming an officer in the US Navy will give me the chance to operate fully in my natural gifts and abilities. It will allow me to thrive and to develop further than possible as an enlisted soldier in leadership and technical proficiency. I am excited about the possibility of serving my country as a Naval Officer. If selected I will continue to provide my best and I will become a truly outstanding Officer.
Posted in these groups: 
Navy
Navy
Posted 9 y ago
Responses: 10
Suspended Profile
Hi John,
Thanks for posting. Being completely unfamiliar with what a Navy OCS Personal Statement is supposed to be, it's difficult to assess yours. I googled "Navy OCS Personal Statement" and am basing my comments on this link:
https://navyofficerrecruitingelpaso.wordpress.com/2012/06/10/writing-your-motivational-statement/
1. Apparently the "motivational statement" is supposed to be 400 words. Yours comes in at 476.
2. The statement should cover WHO you are; WHY you want to be a Navy officer; and WHAT you bring to the table.
If this puts me in the ballpark, great! If I've swung and missed, you’ll at least have an idea of what I was going for with the edits below.
Who: (165 words)
Why: Because I hold my country and the ideals of the Constitution in the highest esteem my single desire is to make my country better by serving it faithfully and honorably, which I currently do as a Non Commissioned Officer in the United States Army.
I see a commission in the United States Navy as THE opportunity to INSPIRE people and provide them opportunities to grow as professional sailors, Americans, and humans.
What: As a trained Intelligence Analyst I bring five and a half years of experience that ranges from:
(bullet) Tactical to Theater level commands
(bullet) Producing hundreds of intelligence products that have been used in military planning at the Battalion level in Afghanistan
(bullet) As well as producing products that were briefed to the Commanders of US Forces Korea
This competence has twice been awarded with Impact Army Achievement Medals and saw me promoted to Sergeant in less than 3 years in the Army.
The Army gave me an arena in which to practice leadership, planning, administration, management, and critical thinking, skills. Additionally, the Army enabled me to hone these skills with NCO Professional Development School, the Leadership Training Program, and most importantly practical, hands-on, experience. The result? I have consistently held positions above my paygrade.
By earning a commission in the U.S. Navy you will benefit by having an officer whose Army experience can facilitate any joint service operations or programming.
Thanks for posting. Being completely unfamiliar with what a Navy OCS Personal Statement is supposed to be, it's difficult to assess yours. I googled "Navy OCS Personal Statement" and am basing my comments on this link:
https://navyofficerrecruitingelpaso.wordpress.com/2012/06/10/writing-your-motivational-statement/
1. Apparently the "motivational statement" is supposed to be 400 words. Yours comes in at 476.
2. The statement should cover WHO you are; WHY you want to be a Navy officer; and WHAT you bring to the table.
If this puts me in the ballpark, great! If I've swung and missed, you’ll at least have an idea of what I was going for with the edits below.
Who: (165 words)
Why: Because I hold my country and the ideals of the Constitution in the highest esteem my single desire is to make my country better by serving it faithfully and honorably, which I currently do as a Non Commissioned Officer in the United States Army.
I see a commission in the United States Navy as THE opportunity to INSPIRE people and provide them opportunities to grow as professional sailors, Americans, and humans.
What: As a trained Intelligence Analyst I bring five and a half years of experience that ranges from:
(bullet) Tactical to Theater level commands
(bullet) Producing hundreds of intelligence products that have been used in military planning at the Battalion level in Afghanistan
(bullet) As well as producing products that were briefed to the Commanders of US Forces Korea
This competence has twice been awarded with Impact Army Achievement Medals and saw me promoted to Sergeant in less than 3 years in the Army.
The Army gave me an arena in which to practice leadership, planning, administration, management, and critical thinking, skills. Additionally, the Army enabled me to hone these skills with NCO Professional Development School, the Leadership Training Program, and most importantly practical, hands-on, experience. The result? I have consistently held positions above my paygrade.
By earning a commission in the U.S. Navy you will benefit by having an officer whose Army experience can facilitate any joint service operations or programming.
Writing your Motivational Statement
You have made the decision to apply to become a Naval Officer. You've met with your recruiter & you know what program you are interested in, you've turned in lots of paperwork & filled out ...
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I have re-tooled it a LOT. I thank you all for your candid responses and I feel it is already a lot stronger. Here is the re-tooled version. It can only get better. Thank you for you criticism.
I am SGT John Hershman. I am a Non Commissioned Officer in the United States Army. I am a dedicated husband, father, martial artist, and intelligence professional. I am self-motivated, tenacious, adaptable and results oriented. My passions in life aside from my family and country are physical training and intelligence analysis. My greatest desire is to serve my country as an Officer in the United States Navy
I desire to commission in the Navy for numerous reasons. First is that the Navy is foremost in applied technology, intelligence, and defense of the country. I want to be part of that legacy. Second: commissioning in the Navy will push me harder and further as a person and as a professional than being enlisted in the Army. I will be able to develop my skill set to a greater level and accomplish even greater tasks. Lastly, as a commissioned officer in the United States Navy, I will be able to operate in my natural strengths of leadership, management, and administration which will increase personal fulfillment I find in my work.
I am highly trained and experienced in leadership and Military Intelligence and will bring this training and experience to the Information Dominance Corps. I am a trained Intelligence Analyst and have experience that ranges from Tactical to Theater levels. I have produced hundreds of products used to plan operations in Afghanistan and drive collection in Korea. My competence as an analyst was twice awarded with Impact Army Achievement Medals and saw me promoted to Sergeant in less than three years in the Army. I am skilled with a number of Intelligence systems and platforms, including Distributed Common Ground System (DCGS), Palantir, and Falconview. My leadership skills have been honed through rigorous college courses, military education, and practical experience. My degree was heavily focused on leadership and critical thinking. It served me well and prepared me to consistently hold positions above my pay grade and excel over the past five and a half years.
Becoming an officer in the US Navy will give me the chance to fully use my natural gifts and abilities. It will allow me to thrive and develop further in leadership and technical proficiency. I am excited about the possibility of serving my country as a Naval Officer. I am truly passionate and excited about the possibility of serving the Navy and my country. If selected, I will continue to provide my best and become an outstanding officer.
I am SGT John Hershman. I am a Non Commissioned Officer in the United States Army. I am a dedicated husband, father, martial artist, and intelligence professional. I am self-motivated, tenacious, adaptable and results oriented. My passions in life aside from my family and country are physical training and intelligence analysis. My greatest desire is to serve my country as an Officer in the United States Navy
I desire to commission in the Navy for numerous reasons. First is that the Navy is foremost in applied technology, intelligence, and defense of the country. I want to be part of that legacy. Second: commissioning in the Navy will push me harder and further as a person and as a professional than being enlisted in the Army. I will be able to develop my skill set to a greater level and accomplish even greater tasks. Lastly, as a commissioned officer in the United States Navy, I will be able to operate in my natural strengths of leadership, management, and administration which will increase personal fulfillment I find in my work.
I am highly trained and experienced in leadership and Military Intelligence and will bring this training and experience to the Information Dominance Corps. I am a trained Intelligence Analyst and have experience that ranges from Tactical to Theater levels. I have produced hundreds of products used to plan operations in Afghanistan and drive collection in Korea. My competence as an analyst was twice awarded with Impact Army Achievement Medals and saw me promoted to Sergeant in less than three years in the Army. I am skilled with a number of Intelligence systems and platforms, including Distributed Common Ground System (DCGS), Palantir, and Falconview. My leadership skills have been honed through rigorous college courses, military education, and practical experience. My degree was heavily focused on leadership and critical thinking. It served me well and prepared me to consistently hold positions above my pay grade and excel over the past five and a half years.
Becoming an officer in the US Navy will give me the chance to fully use my natural gifts and abilities. It will allow me to thrive and develop further in leadership and technical proficiency. I am excited about the possibility of serving my country as a Naval Officer. I am truly passionate and excited about the possibility of serving the Navy and my country. If selected, I will continue to provide my best and become an outstanding officer.
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By all means, work with CAPT Don Bosch, EdD as he's current. I supported the accessions side for most my officer career so here's a few items to keep in mind and go over with him.
The first paragraph meanders with platitudes; doesn't tell me much and has too much syrup. The second needs to be cut in half. The third talks too much about what you are/were and not what you'll do for the Navy over a career. The fourth is decent for a closing but needs another sentence.
What reviewers (like me) first look for is someone who has a clue of what they want, why they want it, and can write to it well. You're about 70% there but with clean up, you can demonstrate why you're better than most of the competition out there. So articulation that sets the stage of who you are, what you are, where you are at, where you are going, and why it's important for someone to OK the passage mentality will help you stay focused on your individual story. Good luck. And yes, you want to nail the grammar as noted as well.
The first paragraph meanders with platitudes; doesn't tell me much and has too much syrup. The second needs to be cut in half. The third talks too much about what you are/were and not what you'll do for the Navy over a career. The fourth is decent for a closing but needs another sentence.
What reviewers (like me) first look for is someone who has a clue of what they want, why they want it, and can write to it well. You're about 70% there but with clean up, you can demonstrate why you're better than most of the competition out there. So articulation that sets the stage of who you are, what you are, where you are at, where you are going, and why it's important for someone to OK the passage mentality will help you stay focused on your individual story. Good luck. And yes, you want to nail the grammar as noted as well.
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CW2 (Join to see)
Sir. I honesty thank you for your Honesty. Your criticism was taken to heart and I feel it is stronger now. I will continue to tweak further if needed.
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