Does anyone have a funny (or really bad) military recruiter story to share?

I took the ASVAB in high school to get out of a boring English class, figuring I could finish quickly and go to sleep. Somehow, I ended up with a high score, which is somewhat unusual in my rural area, so a few recruiters showed up the following week. I didn't like the Marine, so that was out of the question. Too many people I didn't like had joined the Army recently, so that one was out.
Air Force showed up locked on, and ready to tell me all the ways I would end up being a pilot or have a better lifestyle than the other services. Navy showed up looking like a regular dude and brought me a cheeseburger. Sold. I sold a 6-year enlistment for the price of a relaxed conversation and a cheeseburger.

I recruited from South Dayton Recruiting Station in the Dayton Recruiting Co. My Station Commander (Stn Cdr) was – well, he was a unique guy. He was a very good recruiter and was able to read people quickly. My favorite story about him was regarding one of my first recruits. This young man had a weight issue and had gone up and down, but desperately wanted to join the Army. My Stn Cdr asked me to have the DEPer and his mother come in to the office for a meeting. I set this up and they came in at the appointed time. He talked about the importance of reaching and maintaining the standards set by the Army for their many areas of concern. Here was the conversation that ensued:
Stn Cdr: “Young man, are you going to do what I tell you to do?
DEPer: Yes, Sgt.
Stn Cdr: Are you sure?
DEPer: Yes, Sgt.
Stn Cdr: Mom, are you going to ensure he does what I tell him, so that he has a chance to enter the Army?
DEPer’s Mom: Yes, sir.
Stn Cdr: Mom, are you sure?
DEPer’s Mom: Yes, sir.”
At this point he leans forward closely to the DEPer, as if he was going to impart some deep secret in a whisper. Suddenly and very loudly he says:
Stn Cdr: “PUT THE FORK DOWN AND PUSH YOUR FAT ASS AWAY FROM THE TABLE!!”
Mom was shocked…DEPer was crying. Four months later he shipped off to basic.

I spent three years as a recruiter while still enlisted. The USMC, USAF, and USN all worked great together...we were competitive, but respectful. The Army, on the other hand, played underhanded and sneaky (at least while I was there).

I had recruited an individual, who (like many others) was worried that he'd be on a ship all the time. I told him that I'd never been stationed on a ship in the 10 years I'd been in at the time (which was true), and that seemed to satisfy him. Still, I told him that even if he were to be stationed on a ship, that it wouldn't be as bad as he thought.

Introduce the Army guys. Now, just to be clear, the ROEs are...if someone's already been recruited into the Delayed Entry Program by another service, then they're off limits. In any case, the Army recruiters get this guy in their office and do what I called the "old dime trick" in order to counter the Navy's whole, "being on a ship isn't that bad" thing. One of the recruiters took a dime out of his pocket and tossed it into the middle of the room and tells my recruit, "Okay, all this carpet is the ocean...and that dime is your ship. Now I ask you, where are you going to go when you're off work?" Needless to say, my guy flipped and joined the Army.

Fast forward eight years...I've since made Chief and had been commissioned as an LDO. I'm the Law Enforcement/Security Officer onboard Naval Weapons Station Seal Beach, the West Coast's ammo supply point that on-loads weapons onto ships. One day, a U.S. Army ship pulls in to on-load...see where this is going? Off the ship walks this young SSG...yep, you guessed it, my former recruit.

I chatted with him for a few and he told me that since he joined, he learned that the Army has more ships than the Navy, and that he'd spent the entire last eight years stationed on a ship. He wasn't bitter, and actually liked the shipboard life, but he told me that he wished he'd joined the Navy, as although the Army does have ships, they don't pull into ports like the Navy.

At the end of the day, I told him that I'd still never been stationed on a ship. He rolled his eyes and shrugged his shoulders, gave me a proper salute, and that's the last I saw of him.

I've been in for almost 23 years, and I've STILL never been stationed on a ship.