Gold Star Spouses Day: A Reflection on Loss, Grief, and Finding Renewed Purpose

Today, on a day reserved for Gold Star spouses like myself, I’m reminded of where I’ve been and where I’m going, who I was prior to the death of my husband in October 2016. I was newly married to the love of my life, and we had a life together ahead of us.

On October 12, 2016, my loving husband and best friend, PO2 Andrew Magee-Skinner, Navy, tragically died from a service-connected illness. He was only 28, and I was 33. Life came to a halt for me that day, and I can still remember the feelings of despair, darkness, and numbness. Grief took hold of me; I lost the love of my life, and I could see no way out of the pain at the time. I was now a Gold Star Spouse, a member of a club that I never asked to join.

In 2017, I learned about Travis Manion Foundation and the organization’s Survivor Expeditions, service-based trips for surviving family members like me. Soon after, I traveled to New Mexico to rebuild damaged homes for veterans. Surrounded by individuals so similar to myself, yet on a mission to serve others, was one of the first times I felt truly “normal,” more myself. For the first time in a long time, I felt connected to other people through more than sadness. In particular, I bonded with a group of other surviving spouses. We had fun together, we laughed, and they inspired me because they were further out from their losses. I could see how they had grown and found healing, but still honored their husbands many years later. They were happy, and it showed me a path I hadn’t yet seen for myself.

After that, I became more involved with TMF on all fronts, looking for every opportunity to serve, to heal, and honor my husband. I joined TMF’s Marine Corps Marathon team. I rucked non-perishable food and personal care items to local food pantries during the pandemic. I trained as a mentor for youth. In 2021, I was accepted to TMF’s 7-month leadership development program.

I felt it in my heart: serving with TMF made me feel closer to Andrew. He had the same call to service, work ethic, and leadership qualities that TMF gave me space to explore. To this day I truly feel him most when I am reaching outside my comfort zone, seeking new experiences, and serving others.

On Gold Star Spouses Day - and every day - it’s easy to focus on how much I’ve lost. But, through TMF, I’ve chosen instead to focus on how much I’ve gained. I’ve found a close-knit community among other family members of the fallen where I feel safe and able to be my true, authentic self post loss. I’m continually finding personal growth through exploring my own character strengths and using those to serve my community. I’ve found a lasting opportunity to carry on my husband’s legacy of service. If you are a survivor like me, and looking for a path to honor your loved one, you can learn more about TMF’s Survivor Expeditions here: https://rly.pt/TMFsurvivors

I am capable of so much with the miles I have left in this life. Who I was in the last seven years of grieving and growing is not all I want to become. One step at a time, with the right support, believing that love lives on, I know that anything is possible.