Grief Awareness Day: How I Learned to Honor My Husband and Myself

My husband, SGT Tofiga Tautolo, Army, would have turned 35 years old this month. Instead, our family recently honored the anniversary of his passing. It’s been 11 years since his death on May 27, 2012, and though my sadness has eased, grief and grieving continue to be a part of my life.

For Grief Awareness Day, I’d like to share some of my journey.

For many years after Tofiga’s death, I struggled. I struggled to be in a world without my husband, and struggled to find who I was without him. In 2017 while on a search for community, I attended Gary Sinise Foundation’s Snowball Express with many other Gold Star family members. At that event, I learned of Travis Manion Foundation (TMF). Women just like me, surviving spouses, spoke so highly of this organization and the many resources that it offered to veterans and families of the fallen.

I researched and found that TMF provides Survivor Expeditions specifically for Gold Star family members, traveling to places like Alaska to serve local communities and form connections with other survivors. I took a leap and signed up for an Expedition. Honestly, I didn’t know what to expect. I went seeking adventure, but I left with so much more.

The community of other survivors I’ve found through TMF has been like no other. There’s an almost indescribable depth of connection; one of those important, lasting moments where you're like “I wish it was under better circumstances, but I truly am grateful to meet you.” Learning and actually believing that I am no longer alone was life changing for me. Seeing other survivors at different points in their grief journeys gave me strength, and it gave me courage to be my whole self, grief and all, while honoring my loss. Now, this community is a constant in my life; they help me celebrate my good days and get through my hard days.

Most importantly, finding a community of others who have faced the same challenge has empowered me. To be able to take my pain and use it to ease someone else’s burden is a wonderful feeling. My husband was a very kind-hearted person. It was what I loved about him the most. Tofiga would put everyone else’s needs before his own. To be able to honor him through service - and to do it alongside others - I know he would be proud of me.

If you are a surviving family member, my advice is to find a community that understands you and your journey. Surround yourself with people who motivate you to be a better version of yourself. People who can help you see that there is still good in the world, and that you can be a part of it.

With the help of TMF I have found joy and purpose in serving others. I have discovered my own voice and strength and realized that sharing my story not only helps me with my healing process but it can also be beneficial for others. I am thriving, and I no longer feel left behind.

Go to https://rly.pt/TMFsurvivors to learn more and to honor yourself and your loved one.

To learn more about Travis Manion Foundation, click here: https://rly.pt/TMF