Posted on Nov 6, 2015
How do you reconcile or justify to yourself the tremendous personal costs of national service when you have a family?
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This has been bothering me for a long time, and I'm really at a loss of words as how to best explain it, but I'll do my best. I don't say this lightly, but after having held several private sector jobs I now really believe that serving in the military (or other public service career fields such as law enforcement, EMT, etc.) is a calling. When I left active duty about seven years ago, I was just a young Marine pissed off at the world. Obviously, that perspective has changed with time. I feel like I took what I had then for granted. After a while out here, I decided that I wanted back into the fight and about a month ago, I got my wish. I was selected to attend Air Force Undergraduate Pilot Training. Provided I pass the flight physical, I'll be contracted for 10 years (AFTER I earn my wings) and I couldn't be happier. I am stoked.
I have no regrets for the decisions that I have made, but I almost feel as if I should -- as odd as that must sound. I am a new father. (My fiancé and I didn't plan this and I truthfully didn’t want children right now so I could focus on my career.) Anyway, I know what active duty life entails. I have seen what it does to families. It can destroy them. I know I am going to miss out on things in my son's life, but I feel no shame or guilt. I really want this. I want to go. Most of the pilots at my unit warned against taking my fiancé and son with me to flight training. They told me I need singularity of focus, and to minimize distractors. That's about 18 months of training where I'm not going to be around and then the first three years or so at an active-duty squadron for new pilots are pretty intense from what I'm told. I have been advised to prepare to devote my life to the mission and that balancing the needs of a family with the needs of the Air Force is challenging. I have thoroughly explained this to my fiancé and she says she understands and supports my decision. (She’s military too.)
Since I left active duty, I've been pretty successful. I did well in college and now work for an outstanding organization with a great mission – putting veterans in homes. I am compensated handsomely for what I do, the benefits are amazing and I've never had a work/life balance this great. I own my home and have a lot of control over my life. Additionally, my boss and colleagues are upstanding people. I literally have nothing to dislike about what I do, but I feel like a caged animal. I am miserable. Every job I’ve held since leaving the service has pretty much been the same experience. Now I've been offered a potential out -- to do something awesome with my life again. I have wanted this job since I was about 10 and the fact that got it this late in the game feels like a hail marry of sorts – I will not let once-in-a-lifetime opportunity slip away.
I acknowledge the sacrifices that will be asked of me and my family. I have resolved that I am fully prepared to do what needs to done. For those of you who understand what I am talking about, how you reconcile with yourself that what you're doing is right? Or maybe it’s not right. Are we just different? Perhaps even damaged is some sense? And no, I’m not trying to be funny. These are serious questions and after over eight years of total service, I thought I’d have figured out a logical answer, but have been unsuccessful thus far. What say all of you?
I have no regrets for the decisions that I have made, but I almost feel as if I should -- as odd as that must sound. I am a new father. (My fiancé and I didn't plan this and I truthfully didn’t want children right now so I could focus on my career.) Anyway, I know what active duty life entails. I have seen what it does to families. It can destroy them. I know I am going to miss out on things in my son's life, but I feel no shame or guilt. I really want this. I want to go. Most of the pilots at my unit warned against taking my fiancé and son with me to flight training. They told me I need singularity of focus, and to minimize distractors. That's about 18 months of training where I'm not going to be around and then the first three years or so at an active-duty squadron for new pilots are pretty intense from what I'm told. I have been advised to prepare to devote my life to the mission and that balancing the needs of a family with the needs of the Air Force is challenging. I have thoroughly explained this to my fiancé and she says she understands and supports my decision. (She’s military too.)
Since I left active duty, I've been pretty successful. I did well in college and now work for an outstanding organization with a great mission – putting veterans in homes. I am compensated handsomely for what I do, the benefits are amazing and I've never had a work/life balance this great. I own my home and have a lot of control over my life. Additionally, my boss and colleagues are upstanding people. I literally have nothing to dislike about what I do, but I feel like a caged animal. I am miserable. Every job I’ve held since leaving the service has pretty much been the same experience. Now I've been offered a potential out -- to do something awesome with my life again. I have wanted this job since I was about 10 and the fact that got it this late in the game feels like a hail marry of sorts – I will not let once-in-a-lifetime opportunity slip away.
I acknowledge the sacrifices that will be asked of me and my family. I have resolved that I am fully prepared to do what needs to done. For those of you who understand what I am talking about, how you reconcile with yourself that what you're doing is right? Or maybe it’s not right. Are we just different? Perhaps even damaged is some sense? And no, I’m not trying to be funny. These are serious questions and after over eight years of total service, I thought I’d have figured out a logical answer, but have been unsuccessful thus far. What say all of you?
Transition
Family
Sacrifice
Edited 9 y ago
Posted 9 y ago
Responses: 12
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My service cost me my marriage.
I know I have made a difference, and I am tremendous at my job, but the cost was high.
For 15+ happy years, we made it work. I deployed four times and went to countless exercises and training events during that span, all of the deployments in the space of 9 years. We had two small children when I left for the third time, and she handled it like a champ... I thought nothing could touch us, our marriage was so strong.
Then along comes deployment #4. My youngest was a month away from being born when I got the news. I was ready to lead my company for the Super Bowl, but torn. I was months shy of the 20 year mark. I didn't have to go. But after training and building my unit for years, I couldn't leave them. Not then. My wife said she understood, that she supported me. I believed her.
And so it went. It was hard to leave, but I was able to communicate daily. She seemed to be handling this deployment as well as any. This time she had more help from our families.
When it was time to go home, I was stoked. I had planned a great vacation to Spain with my wife, to reconnect and recharge. But when I came home, the minute I laid eyes on her, I knew something was wrong. How wrong it was unraveled in the next two months.
Long story short, now I am on my way to divorced (waiting on the court date) and raising three kids alone.
I think I made the right decision, with all of the facts that were in front of me at the time, but the cost...
The moral I would impart to you, 2d Lt (Join to see), is that you have to know when to call it a career. If there is ever a choice between your Air Force career and your family, if there are ever hints that the support from the home front shows signs of failing, if you find yourself looking forward to work more than going home and kissing your wife hello... it is time to go.
It is a balancing act, and a hard one. Time has his finger on the scale, though. The longer this goes, the harder it gets. There is a reason the profession of arms is for the young, and it isn't called the service for nothing.
Good luck.
I know I have made a difference, and I am tremendous at my job, but the cost was high.
For 15+ happy years, we made it work. I deployed four times and went to countless exercises and training events during that span, all of the deployments in the space of 9 years. We had two small children when I left for the third time, and she handled it like a champ... I thought nothing could touch us, our marriage was so strong.
Then along comes deployment #4. My youngest was a month away from being born when I got the news. I was ready to lead my company for the Super Bowl, but torn. I was months shy of the 20 year mark. I didn't have to go. But after training and building my unit for years, I couldn't leave them. Not then. My wife said she understood, that she supported me. I believed her.
And so it went. It was hard to leave, but I was able to communicate daily. She seemed to be handling this deployment as well as any. This time she had more help from our families.
When it was time to go home, I was stoked. I had planned a great vacation to Spain with my wife, to reconnect and recharge. But when I came home, the minute I laid eyes on her, I knew something was wrong. How wrong it was unraveled in the next two months.
Long story short, now I am on my way to divorced (waiting on the court date) and raising three kids alone.
I think I made the right decision, with all of the facts that were in front of me at the time, but the cost...
The moral I would impart to you, 2d Lt (Join to see), is that you have to know when to call it a career. If there is ever a choice between your Air Force career and your family, if there are ever hints that the support from the home front shows signs of failing, if you find yourself looking forward to work more than going home and kissing your wife hello... it is time to go.
It is a balancing act, and a hard one. Time has his finger on the scale, though. The longer this goes, the harder it gets. There is a reason the profession of arms is for the young, and it isn't called the service for nothing.
Good luck.
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SGT Joseph Schmalzel
All gave some Top. The military is in all honesty a single man's world. I know, I got screwed too. Hang in there.
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SGT William Howell
1SG (Join to see) Top, I am right there with you. My service cost me my marriage too. Would I do it again, yes. Being a warrior is a calling and we have to answer it or die regretting it.
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MSgt Daniel Attilio
Among other things sacrificed, service also resulted in two divorces. I think the first was just a bad pick on my part though. On reflection of my service and the costs I would not hesitate to do it again. I am proud of my service, my achievements and the sacrifices I survived that ultimately provided growth. I can step back and reflect with satisfaction, I believe the choices I made were right for me.
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I don't reconcile them. My wife and daughter were instrumental in my decision to leave active duty.
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I ETS’d from active duty in 1993 for my family. Prior to 9/11 the military paid like crap and I had a hard time supporting my family, so I got out. In the guard other than an occasional school and the minimal training requirement it’s not that hard on a family. The exception of course are the deployments. I’m fortunate that we have a strong family support system at home and my employer pays full salary the whole time I’m deployed. So this deployment I’m paying off some big bills and taking the family to Europe for 3 weeks when I get back.
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