Posted on Aug 10, 2014
PFC Rifleman
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Okay. So my wife and I of 2+ years, we have a son who is about to be 2, are on the cusp of divorce over (relatively) small stuff.

Now, I'm not here to air my dirty laundry, I don't do that crap. BUT, I need to know what's up in the event we do split while I'm deployed over here in Kosovo. I don't want a divorce, so like always, I fight for the relationship to continue and thrive on. But I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting every time she gets a bug up her ass and she decides she wants out.

I love her, I love my son, and everything I've done for the last two years has been done solely for the both of them.

They're the whole reason I'm in uniform.
_______________

I have a car (only in my name) and furniture within our apartment that are both on loans.

To the point. In the event we do split, what are my rights, what would you do/what have you done, and how did it work out?

How much did it cost, how long did it take, and are there any pro-military divorce lawyers that won't completely fuck me.
(because practically every state is sympathetic to women with children, regardless of whether they are prostitutes or drug lords.)

Also, I realize that a single soldier with a toddler and full custody is not only unlikely, but a formidable experience as well, were it to actually happen. So until I'm a civilian with a stable home and job, full custody is a no-go.
I'd file for joint. What else am I missing? OH. Additionally, I owe her half my paycheck until I'm out, right? How does this work?

Please, y'all, I really do not want to go through this. I will admit I'm scared of change in this sense. (I'll PCS and deploy all day, but life-changing experience like this freezes my brain and I just want to change the subject and pretend it's not real.)

I need your help.

Thanks.
~PFC Boyd
Edited 8 y ago
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Responses: 12
CPT All Source Intelligence
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Please hear me out on this: try to save your marriage like your kid's life depends on it. I am one of those Army moms you may have heard about who's ex fought for custody on the grounds of deployment - and was successful. We ended our marriage amicably. The kids were to join me at JBLM upon my return. Right before I got on the bird, he had a change of heart. He met a woman 10 years younger than us who wanted children...my children...and she didn't want to share. It has been over 5 years and I am still constantly in court...$80,000+ in legal fees, or in other words, every cent I was making because I was unwilling to let him have full custody. We were just in court on the 30th where he successfully got the kids' passports revoked so that I could not travel overseas with the kids based on the shooting down of the Malaysian Airways flight. That is the level of crazy I am dealing with from the ex and the courts.

You're "tired of fighting every time she gets a bug up her ass?" Really??? Because you are now signing up to fight her every time she gets a bug up her ass in a court room using your hard earned money. Does she have a solid job? Guess what? You do! What if you have to pay your attorney *and* her legal fees? Is that really better than working on your marriage? BIG HINT: IT'S NOT! Are you prepared to pay all the legal fees and child support? Are you ready to be ordered help her pay for school on top of it...because that could happen too. Wouldn't you rather fix your marriage so you can support your kid and your wife and accomplished this all together?

Talk to JAG to get advice on how to set up a financial firewall in case the worst comes to worst, then see the CH. Tell him you want a copy of "The 5 Love Languages." It is a quick read and is a good start until you can get into professional marriage counseling. It is so much better than spending half your life without your son. You had to say goodbye to deploy, I have to say goodbye *constantly!*

[And as a side note that I failed to consider, at some point your wife will meet another man (or other men) and they will become part of the equation, and you will have absolutely no control over what kind of person he is or how he treats your son...or his relatives and how they treat your son. Please think this over, and then think it over again. It will be a tough fight, but nothing matters more.]

It is possible that if your marriage survives this crisis, things could be better than ever. I wouldn't know. I didn't stick it out, and the pain of throwing in the towel is worse than anything that you could ever imagine. Please be cautious about consulting a divorce attorney (I'm not talking about JAG). It's like asking a car salesman if you need a new car. He will say that not only do you need a car but you need it right away. This is because he only gets paid if you buy a car from him. He is not going to tell you to hang on to your current car and he will encourage you to focus on what is wrong with your current car and tell you what a great deal he can get you on a trade.

Please try and try hard to fix things. Let me know if there is anything I can do.
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CPT Company Commander (Hhc, Cyber Protection Brigade)
CPT (Join to see)
8 y
PO1 (Join to see) is right. I thought when i was going through the divorce process a long time ago (which I managed to stop), life just seemed to be spinning out of control. Now, it's just the past and accomplished much since. Crazy enough, I was taking college and competing for Soldier of the month boards (and won BDE level) to keep my mind off. You could argue the stress of it should have worked against me, but focusing on goals helped in the long run. I can understand that having a child just multiplies the problem. I wish you the best of luck PFC (Join to see) . Ironically, I was in Ft Hood when all of that was happening back in 2007 (as you being in fort hood right now)
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SFC Mark Merino
SFC Mark Merino
8 y
CPT (Join to see) Great advise. I wish I knew you about 19 years ago. Then again, some things can't be fixed.
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CPT All Source Intelligence
CPT (Join to see)
8 y
True, not every relationship can be fixed...I've been in ones that I knew were a bad idea from the word go. But if you had a good thing, it will be well worth getting it back vs rolling the dice and hoping for a better deal.
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CPT Obstetrics and Gyneco
CPT (Join to see)
>1 y
You offer really sound advice CPT Ann Wolfer. I hope PFC Boyd takes it.
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TSgt Terry Hudson
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I really think you should try to work things out! Me and my wife have been through a lot. Mainly on me, I've F****d up a couple of times! We've been parked outside the court house ready to get a divorce but we really felt like we could work it out. We have worked things out and we have both learned things. Marriage is job that requires time and patience. You made a commitment so man up and work it out. Sit down and work out the issues out come to comprises, that includes agreeing to disagree. More importantly you little one! Try to make things work for him! Remember why you guys got married in the first place and put your son on top of that. I think things will work out!
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PFC Rifleman
PFC (Join to see)
8 y
Wow, talk about right on the edge of divorce.

YOu're right. Thank you!
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TSgt Terry Hudson
TSgt Terry Hudson
4 y
Aw man it’s been 4 years idk if you’re still active on RP, if so how are things?PFC (Join to see)
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MAJ Derrick J.
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Son, you ned to try your hardest to keep it together - I'm a MArriage & Family Therapist. Message me here with your email address and I can guide you (and her) through this if she is willing.

I'm sure that her issues are much deeper than getting "bug up her ass," and I can speak to those issues you cannot touch.
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PFC Rifleman
PFC (Join to see)
8 y
I think that'd be awesome, sir.

I'm not gonna lie, both of us have changed a lot since we fell in love around 3 years ago, and I do things she doesn't like, she does things I doesn't like. I'll shoot you a message now. Thanks!
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CPT Richard Riley
CPT Richard Riley
8 y
PFC (Join to see) have you followed up with MAJ Derrick J. yet? I realize things get hectic, but your life and those around you are a priority. Just touching base.
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PFC Rifleman
PFC (Join to see)
8 y
I did, waiting on a reply.
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MAJ Derrick J.
MAJ Derrick J.
8 y
I've been swamped - tomorrow (Thursday) I'll compose a private response.
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