Leaders how do you tell your troops they are in a toxic relationship?

First, I would look at their first line leader. I have seen some people go from absolutely HORRIBLE Soldiers to having a lot of potential with a simple change in strategies.

One example that I remember involved a slightly less-than-tactful approach on my behalf that ended up working in my favor. The Soldier showed to drill in his PT uniform for his first drill with us....didn't have combat uniforms. He was told to show up in his ACUs next drill. Next drill, he shows up in his PT uniform. He's told "Bring your ACUs to drill. If you don't, you won't be allowed to sign in for pay." At this point he's told to find them. Third drill weekend, still in PT uniforms. He's allowed to sign in by the Det NCO (who had told him he wouldn't get paid the previous drill), but the Platoon Sergeant and I talked to him. He said that he can't find them, so we told him he was responsible for buying new ones since he'd lost the old ones. Then he said "I know where they are, they just don't fit." So then we told him to bring them in so we could DX them and get him new ones.

At this point things start to go bad. He starts mouthing off to the PSG (I really don't like disrespect of an NCO/officer when they are being corrected), and the PSG said, "SPC ****, remember that you are addressing a senior NCO." This individual started raising his voice and losing his bearing, so I looked at him and very firmly stated, "AT EASE SPC" This guy turned and then started to attempt to chew me out!! At that point, I lost my bearing and very loudly yelled "At ease means SHUT THE F*CK UP"

Things returned to normal at that point, and I talked to him later on. He asked why I was treating him like a sh*tbag, and I rather bluntly responded that I was because that's how he acted. I want my Soldiers to AT LEAST give me the "60% mark" (standard). Obviously I'd love to have a bunch of gung-ho people that give 110%, and I always push those and develop those that take that initiative, but I DO start putting pressure on people when they stand out....."pop them until they fall back in line." After that, he gave me the 60% I needed and finished his time in service (Reserve side).

At that point, we as leaders were failing to accurately communicate our expectations to him. Likewise, he as a Soldier was trying to find our responses to his challenges to see what we can get with. This is basic human nature. There are people that are not cut out for certain jobs, but I believe that you still have the obligation to attempt to mentor them to continue to develop. Sometimes the simple fact that someone believes in them can do it. It sounds dumb, but I've seen it.

Yes, there are people that should apologize to the trees for wasting Oxygen. Yes, there are stupid people that will never make (service appropriate term here). However, they need to know. You can be tactful and direct. People assume that "assertive" means "aggressive". Correct their behaviors.

Second example, I had another SPC that tried to come crying to me about her SSG (a combat veteran who has zero tolerance for games, but is a great NCO). She jumped the chain by skipping my PSG and the DET NCO, but I was also working in a medical role, so it could somewhat fall under that. Anyways, she attempted to tell me that she felt that some of the instructions that she was given were unfair. Initially, she'd told her squad leader that she had a severe medical problem, but later it turned out that she just needed some "R&R time". By lying to her squad leader, she was given instructions based on an emergency condition, and then was upset that her SL was telling her to go the ER. It wasn't until the medical stuff was revealed that the problem was basically that she was not "feeling up to going to drill".

She called upset because we were being unreasonable about these things. During the conversation I told her that I was most disappointed with her decision making. She had voiced wanting to become a SGT, but was unable to be honest with us regarding her condition. Additionally, this process had not developed immediately as she had told her squad leader, but rather she'd known for at least a week before drill and had neglected to address it with the military leadership when they could have helped.

Focus on judgment of the actions in the overall context, and leave the integrity of the service member intact. You are far more likely to receive positive feedback by praising and criticizing an action than you are by criticizing an individual. Once you start saying "You are so stupid" the defense mechanisms go up, the communications shut down, and any chance for correcting the behavior in the long run virtually dies on the table.

I believe this is a delicate matter. You have two options; you can contribute to the problem or try and better it. First, find out what makes them toxic; pull them aside and ask or do this in a fitrep. Try to look at the problem through their paradigm. The key is to isolate them from others so they don't feel singled out. Second, act accordingly to the information you find out. You may or may not be able to fix their problems. Remember, armed service members come from all walks of life. Lastly, make them aware of their influence on others. Stay positive and do what you can to help.

TLDR: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” - Stephen R. Covey

I know exactly the type of which you speak. Always trying to game the system, pointing fingers outward, etc. I do feel very strongly that the powers from up-on-high seem to have a way of working those individuals out of our fine service.