Living With a Mental Illness: How I Conquered the Darkness

I know what everyone is thinking after reading that title: “Oh, here we go again. Another guy that is going to talk about PTSD.” Actually, no. I can’t speak on the difficulties of PTSD in particular. It isn’t that I do not suffer from some of the symptoms of the disorder, but more that the symptoms of PTSD that I may deal with could be from the disorder or they could be symptoms of yet another mental health condition that I was diagnosed with and subsequently medically retired for.

I was diagnosed as a Manic Bipolar (Bipolar Axis – I) in early 2013. It wasn’t a clear cut kind of thing where I went in and they immediately knew what was wrong with me. No, it took many months and a handful of failed attempts at treating what they had originally thought to be the cause of my issues before I was properly diagnosed.

I don’t care to talk about what goes through my head on a daily basis. I don’t need to talk about how living with my diagnosis affects my mood and my struggle to ensure that I don’t fall into slumps of depression. I would much rather talk about how I deal with this issue in my life because I believe that it can directly be related to a number of other mental health concerns that many of us throughout the veteran community may suffer from.

It doesn’t really matter what the diagnosis is, Post-Traumatic Stress, Bipolar, Depression, Anxiety, whatever you can think of, sadly, we are all members of the very same club. If you haven’t received your membership card and free t-shirt, please call up your VA therapist immediately because they are supposed to issue those. (Please do not actually call them. That was only a joke).

It takes a lot of patience with yourself and others to live with these conditions. I find that being able to take a step back and take a breather when I feel something getting a little “out of wack” tends to help quite a bit. Understanding what gets you bent out of shape goes a long way to being able to react in a preemptive manner when you feel something happening, or avoid things altogether if need be. I can’t stand large crowds of people; I know that many others feel the same way. Well, this means that I don’t go to concerts and usually try to stay clear of certain areas at outdoor festivals and such. I know what sends me spiraling and I do my best to ensure that I am not put in those situations.

Possibly more importantly is adherence to whatever treatment that your medical professionals have set up for you. We are all different. I cannot tell you that this medication works for me and that you should try it. That’s stupid. We are all different and what works for one person may not work, or may have negative effects, on a different person. Listen to your providers and work with them to find the right program and regimen for you. It is not a quick and easy process but I assure you that when you finally get the right stuff set up it will make a world of a difference. There is nothing wrong with doing research on your medications and having open discussion with your providers. I once found that one of the medications that I was prescribed in order to help me fall asleep was an antidepressant. Well, give an antidepressant to a Manic Bipolar and I can tell you that it does the exact opposite of putting them to sleep. Eventually, after a couple years, we found a combination that works wonders for me.

Therapy is a far more valuable tool than you may realize. Many of us aren’t able to talk to family and friends about certain things. Whether those things may be weird dreams we’ve had, thoughts, bad memories, fears, guilt, and any number of things. I know that I have difficulty talking to my family about almost anything that pops into my head. To me it sounds just fine but to them I sound like a sociopath sometimes. It’s hard. I know that I don’t have to worry about freaking them out though because I talk to my therapist about those things. Maybe they aren’t issues and it was just a passing thought but it does wonders for me to speak to someone who doesn’t judge, doesn’t tell me I’m crazy, and I know cannot tell a soul about anything that we have spoken about. I unload some awful stuff sometimes and when I leave I feel ready to take on the world again, even if only for the two weeks between sessions. That’s okay though, because I’ll do it again and I’ll feel great after the next one too.

We all have our issues. Some of us just happen to have some of ours documented in VA medical files and that’s not a horrible thing. There are a myriad of different avenues to receive the right help that you need. I hear yoga does great things but you won’t catch me dead in those stretchy pants (maybe if I wasn’t so fat). Do what you need to do in order to keep yourself on track. Don’t let the little bit of darkness block out the light that the future brings. If all else fails, know that your brothers (and sisters)-in-arms will always be there to talk to and pull you to your feet if the weight becomes just a little too much.

Brave Rifles.