Thoughts on my OCS Essay?

Hello,
Hope everyone is doing well through the cold months. My recruiter is new to OCS applications (I am his first OCS applicant) and he isn't too familiar with the expected essay contents aside from formatting, so I was hoping I could get some feedback on my Officer Essay:

Navigating the crossroads of my Indian heritage and American upbringing, I've cultivated a unique perspective which positions me to effectively lead with empathy and strategic foresight. Each step, imbued with lessons of resilience, empathy, and unyielding commitment, has galvanized my resolve to serve as an Army officer, where I can channel these experiences into fostering excellence within my fellow soldiers. My journey has been shaped by numerous challenges, including moments of profound defeat. However, I have strove daily to forge myself into a better man. My successes up until now have been hard-fought, and that is my greatest pride. I sincerely believe that these experiences have prepared me for the rigors and responsibilities of a leadership role in the Army, where I aim to be a beacon of guidance and selfless service within this esteemed institution.

As an assistant manager at a bustling Italian restaurant, I honed my leadership abilities in a demanding environment. Managing the store, taking orders, delegating tasks to employees, coordinating delivery routes, and troubleshooting hardware and software issues were all part of my daily responsibilities. There were 12 hour shifts that were spent entirely on my feet, moving from one task to another. Balancing this role while attending college, I learned the importance of adaptability, effective time management, and how to make critical decisions under pressure. Additionally, my involvement in the Rutgers Undergraduate Student Alliance of Computer Scientists greatly influenced my passion for leadership. I contributed to Hacker hours biweekly and led a group on the side where we worked on various programming and cybersecurity projects. This experience in managing complex projects and guiding a team helped to further develop my leadership and technical skills.

My volunteer work with The American Cancer Society, particularly in the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer campaign, has ingrained a profound sense of service and empathy within me. This cause had a deep personal connection due to my mother's battle with cancer, which she waged valiantly. I never had the privilege of knowing her as I grew up, but she still passed on her fighting spirit to me. As I volunteered, I engaged in fundraising, coordination, and serving as the event photographer and editor. Working alongside and in service of people who continue to fight and overcome monumental odds helped put my personal challenges into perspective, strengthened both my compassion and my fierce resolve.


While in OCS, and when I become an officer, I will ensure that I do my best to lift up my fellow soldiers, first and foremost. I believe that a true leader is one that facilitates the success of those around them. I am driven by this commitment to leadership, dedication to service, and an ambition to positively impact the lives of soldiers and the broader community. I am eager to bring my experiences and skills to the Army, ready to face the challenges and embrace the responsibilities that come with this honorable role.

Thanks for reading. One thing I was unsure of is whether I should explicitly state that I graduated from Rutgers with a B.S. in Computer Science. I thought that it would be implied that I was a computer science student because I mentioned the Rutgers CS club I was a part of.
Thanks for your time.