What are some Private (E-1) horror or funny stories you've seen/heard?

I remember pulling guard duty in the field at the Battalion Commander's tent. The orders were to check everyones id card before entering. The CO left the tent and when he came back I asked him for his id card and replied that he didn't have it. I replied with "no id, no entrance". He looked at me and then told me to go find my NCOIC. I replied with "sorry sir, but I can't leave my post until properly relieved." Right on that moment a SGT saw what was going on and told me that he would cover for me. So I went to get my NCOIC and told him that the CO wants to see him. Oh woooow I had never an NCO so scared before that day. Well to make the story short, from that day on, the new orders were to check the id cards of people I didn't know. Well since my CO didn't have any integrity and didn't acknowledge the fact that he was wrong by not having his id card, I decided to let everyone inside, id card or not. True story, cheers.

This kid was not a private yet, but back in the 90's I was a corporal working BCT mission at Knox. The unit was short Drill SGT's so First Sergeant as me if I would pull CQ one Friday night. All of you remember the fire guard, well at 0400 am my last fire guard check in, I give them their assignments and kick back thinking I am almost done, when I hear a knock, one of the fire guard is standing there. I ask him what he needed, he said can I go out and look at the kiddy cat. Confused I get up and walk over to the door, you can guess what was roaming outside. I asked him where are you from, he replied New York City, I said you don't know what that is, he shook his head, needless to say I said you don't want to pet him and sent him back up stairs. The skunk was out looking for food, I almost let him go out but decided the wrath of my First Sergeant would not be worth it.

06 Time frame. I was a Walter Reed Hospital, and I was a t the smoke shed. I was on the phone with the then wife making sure bills were being paid ( because she wasn’t doing it ). I get a tap on the shoulder asking me for a light. I do the one finger hold up over the shoulder ☝️Because my back was to him. My call was ending. So as I end the call fumble in my pocket and turn I said in a very angry voice “ What the fuck she think I am a General or something?” No sooner than I finish that sentence I see 2 starts on this mans chest. All he did was smile and say “ I’m a General and my bitch ass wife still forgets to pay bills too, don’t feel bad son.” Hands me my litter back puts his free hand in his pocket and walks away.

I have a couple of them.

So when I was at DLI, we had a health and welfare inspection. I was over at the room of a young lady I was dating. We got out of bed and got dressed. This, incidentally, is when I discovered her roommate sleeps naked. Anyway, so we were brainstorming what to do - she lived on the 3rd floor, so going out the window was out. The PSGs were out the door, so that was out. Her bed was against the wall and there was another wall at the head of her bed - basically, a corner. She had a footlocker at the end of her bed. Under the bed, there were 2 drawers attached to the underside bed rails. We moved the footlocker, I shimmied up under the bed, hooked my feet under one set of rails, then lifted myself off the ground and held myself there. They came in and checked the wall locker, opened the footlocker, the drawers under the bed too. They never saw me. The next morning (Saturday) the rest of the floormates were in the day room discussing who got caught and I come stroling out of PVT R*****'s room. I told them how I hid, then through the grapevine it got back to my 1SG, who promptly called me into his office. He started the conversation with, "So, does PVT R***** have any dust bunnies under her bed?" I didn't get in trouble, but after that day, that was added to their places to search in future inspections.

Also at DLI, in-ranks inspection with the Post Commander. 0500 and we are in the PX parking lot in our Class A's. Full bird colonel steps in front of me and asks, "Private, how are you this morning?"

I went for broke and said, "It's a great day to be in the Army, sir! If I felt any better, I'd be dead!"

Without a word, he came to attention, left face and went to the next soldier.

While in Basic training I took the tact of "learn well what you're going to use, kind of learn what you probably won't". When it came time to learn about rank and insignia I figured out I only *really* needed to learn three:
- "Private" - Easy, we were everywhere
- "Sergeant" - Also easy, one was constantly yelling at me
- "First Sergeant" - Must not forget, he showed up from time to time.
I'd never seen a Sergeant Major, and figured I never would, so that information was deleted to make room for more useful information, and Officers were just "Sir".

Worked perfectly until I went to AIT at Fitzsimmons Army Medical Center, where there were very few privates, and a LOT of high ranking officers and NCO's in the form of doctors and Healthcare related MOS'.

Crossing the parking lot one day I spotted a very cute, petite, female, and I adjusted course to intercept. Turns out she was a Command Sergeant Major.

<SHIT!>

"Ma'am" (I was smart enough to know that three up, three down, a wreath and a star was more than *just* a sergeant, at least I knew not to salute).

"What did you call me?"

<Shit, wracking my brain, contemplating making a run for it>

"Private Hannaman, what rank is this?" <Holding her collar>

<I'm pretty sure she had a smirk on her face>

Things go blank a bit in my memory... eventually she aided me in remembering "Command" and "Major" to go along with Sergeant...

I have two for you that you will laugh one on myself one on another guy in my last unit. I had just gotten to fort drum ny 4 Jan 2011 and was walking to the troop store on Jan 6 to meet with some of my platoon members well got lost was wondering why I couldn't find it in the middle of a snow storm. Then a suburban pulled up I didn't even see it and the door opened I was told get in. Once inside being a new pv2 I locked up immediately my division csm had just told his driver to pick me up when I told him where I was going he laughed and said your heading the wrong way. Then had the driver turn the truck around and drive to the troop store and drop me off telling me have a good day and welcome to 10th mtn.


Now the other guy this one more bad for him than anything. We were getting gear set up for a week with scout platoon and they love to play pranks I'm the senior guy between the two of us myself being a spc and the other guy a pfc well he left his weapon said nothing and walked away. One of the scouts saw it walked over asking if the weapon was mine I said nope wasn't asked to secure it. Mind you this was the platoon sergeant for scout platoon. He said good we are going to teach him a lesson. (before I get anyone downvoting or saying I'm a was home for it the unit rules if you are leaving your weapon hand it off the pfc had been with us for a year by this point and knew the rules and other things led to this.) so the nco takes the weapon a m16 and brought it to his desk disassembled it called me in and told me what to do every person got a peice of the weapon and I was told go outside and find trees. The trees on drum have metal markers with serial numbers in the garrison area. Well I found five trees wrote them down waited when he came back with all the peices the nco with him told me your turn for the lesson low crawl. I handed him the paper and told him to show me the trees. He found them all wearing full kit low drawing on the grass and showed me. I gave him the firing pin and told him to secure his weapon and gear or ask me next time so neither of us look like idiots in front of scouts again. Never had it happen again to say the least he brought it to our ncos who said I was in the right for letting the scout box who was in charge of us do the corrective and add me into it since I was his senior.

PVT Hunter Hofmann Hitt, First Thank you for your sense of humor, given that your military life just started. In 1974, during boot camp, there was one private that was always doing strange things. The final thing was at the rifle range; he pointed his M-16 to the guy on his right and commented that it was not firing, we all dove over the berm, which caused the Drill Sargent to run to the private who then pointed the rifle at him, which enraged the Drill Sargent, who then snatched the rifle from the private then grabbed the private by the back of his collar and dragged him off the range. After wards we were told that the private had shoved the magazine upside down. The private was sent to the mental ward for evaluation.

Best one I have is from BCT at Fort Jackson, 2014. White phase, basic rifle marksmanship training. First time on a live fire range. I was a spotter in the next lane over from a recruit who dropped his muzzle in the dirt on the prone unsupported. He goes to clean the dirt out of the muzzle with his pinkie. Weapon NOT on safe, loaded, and finger still on the trigger. His trigger finger slipped and the birds got a small snack. Talk about a bloody mess.

In BCT reception this weirdo went on a mental rampage yelling at the drill sergeants and saying he was a Lieutenant General. I have no idea if he was faking it or what but the kid ended up being in my company and yes he graduated. Sometimes he would sit there with his unloaded weapon and hold the barrel under his chin and pull the trigger. I don't know how these people pass through IET.

The Private generally is known for knowing nothing. It's easy to make fun of and manipulate the Private as needed. And if the Private screws up, you Front/Back/Go him/her until it looks like it's raining outside and he/she fell down on a dirt pile.

The Butter Bar is a different story. They're "supposed" to be smarter than you, and they will tell you that. They have minimal real life experience. And if they weren't guided properly through Branch, you can get away with a lot of the same things you can with the Private, without smoking him/her.