What critique or advice do you have for my OCS essay?

Do it English 101 Style:
Para 1: Thesis with reasons
Para 2-X: Reason 1 with explanations (and examples (proof) if not using 2a-Xa paragraphs)
Para 2a-Xa (if necessary): Explanation expanded with proof
Para Last: Summary and restated Thesis

This should help you expand out what you already have, provide greater depth, without creating filler (which can be spotted in an instant) and without going off topic.

You have some missing some conjunctions and misusing some words (ie; aspire). Also you’re a really scattered. You go from the job requiring leadership, to sacrifice to, representing your family, to upholding traditions in a matter of 3-4 sentences.

I suggest deciding on an over all theme of how you want the essay to sound, then doing an outline. Don’t reinvent the wheel there is plenty of content it what you wrote figure out what will help you and get rid of the stuff that won’t.

If you’re in college try should have a academic retention/ achievement office. Go to them and get some help. There isn’t any wrong with that, part of being an officer is knowing when to have other people help to accomplish your mission.

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