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Let's say I have a 'friend' that is in therapy for PTS issues. This 'friend' feels like he is drowning still, even though he has a wife and two little daughters that adore him. He feels like there is so much going on in his head that compartmentalizing isn't even an option anymore...his decision making abilities are diminished because he only sees beginning problem and end result and forgets to clarify along the way - in doing this he gets bogged down with everyday tasks and has problems unless there is a strict schedule to follow? Has anyone else had these issues, and if so, how do you cope? How do you stay a productive member of a family and a worthy employee? How do you find worth in yourself when it seems like you are more of a burden than anything else?
PTSD
Survival
Hope
Help
Health
Edited >1 y ago
Posted >1 y ago
Responses: 21
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The problem with PTSD is that because you feel so intensely from seemingly small things, it is difficult to feel more subtle emotions like contentment or joy. Those feelings get "shouted down" by ones like anxiety, fear, or anger. This leads to fatigue, restlessness, and acting out.
I don't have a silver bullet, but I have two suggestions:
1. Your friend must find his "Zen", something he enjoys that requires just enough concentration to focus, but not so much he can't relax. For many, this is exercise of some sort. For me, it was fishing that helped me find peace.
2. Talking helps. Talking with others that understand helps more. Talking with others and actually helping them along the way helps the most. A lot of my Soldiers see themselves in my experiences, and find ways to adapt that to their mindset. Sometimes that means standing in front of an E-4 and admitting you made mistakes, that you are human, that you feel regrets from not getting it right every time, and sometimes those mistakes had consequences. It may knock you off the pedestal of infallibility, and for those leaders who are vain that is the bridge too far. But for the Soldier in the back wrestling his demons, he figures out that he is not alone, that his brothers feel the same way he does, that it is OK to take a knee if you need it, then put on your rucksack again and resolve to do better next time.
Your friend is not a leper. Think about ways you as his friend can help him find either or both of my suggestions, and you will be giving him a great gift. I see that you are local, so if you ever wish to meet and discuss this more, message me. I'd be very willing to meet your friend as well.
Good Luck, SSgt Joe V.
I don't have a silver bullet, but I have two suggestions:
1. Your friend must find his "Zen", something he enjoys that requires just enough concentration to focus, but not so much he can't relax. For many, this is exercise of some sort. For me, it was fishing that helped me find peace.
2. Talking helps. Talking with others that understand helps more. Talking with others and actually helping them along the way helps the most. A lot of my Soldiers see themselves in my experiences, and find ways to adapt that to their mindset. Sometimes that means standing in front of an E-4 and admitting you made mistakes, that you are human, that you feel regrets from not getting it right every time, and sometimes those mistakes had consequences. It may knock you off the pedestal of infallibility, and for those leaders who are vain that is the bridge too far. But for the Soldier in the back wrestling his demons, he figures out that he is not alone, that his brothers feel the same way he does, that it is OK to take a knee if you need it, then put on your rucksack again and resolve to do better next time.
Your friend is not a leper. Think about ways you as his friend can help him find either or both of my suggestions, and you will be giving him a great gift. I see that you are local, so if you ever wish to meet and discuss this more, message me. I'd be very willing to meet your friend as well.
Good Luck, SSgt Joe V.
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SSgt Joe V.
1SG (Join to see) I fish...it is definitely my favorite thing to do, and hearing people describe a thing that they need to get away and do, it is no wonder the last three years have been a little tough. I haven't fished nearly as much as I used to with two children under three...and everyone on here has been exceptionally helpful. Your words ring true - take a knee and put your ruck back on and keep moving...I think putting this thread up might have resembled that, so now to get it back on!
And I am all about connecting with fellow vets, so yes, 1SG, we will be in touch. Thank you.
And I am all about connecting with fellow vets, so yes, 1SG, we will be in touch. Thank you.
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I have been attending VA counseling for the past two years for both PTSD and couples counseling so my wife could reflect to an independent person how I am reacting at home and around our four kids.
It took me about a 18 months after returning from Kandahar to admit I should be in counseling and be open to use of medication that would stop my anger and since of worthlessness. I had never experienced anything like this before...
No civilian job can be as important as my military job was to me, but I had to release on the feeling that I was letting people down by not being deployed or in a unit ready to deploy.
I can still yell at the top of my lungs at the drop of a hat and tick off everyone in my family by pointing out every last detail of what they did not do or how they did not meet a standard of perfection.
I still have insomnia, wake up in a panic attack, migraine headaches, night grinding, you get the picture, but all symptoms are better than they were when I started the process.
I took it one step at a time and asked for VA counseling for couples first, then medications, then PTSD counsel, then sleep study, then neurology, etc. just listening to the VA Primary Care doc, counselors, my wife, and some peers I trust who have similar issues.
Invest yourself in your work, family and hobby that you relax doing and can share with others.
When you are work only focus on the work issues.
At home, only on relationships, not the 'work' that is required to run the home.
Find something that allows you to relax, (I still suck at this part...)
Know you can reach out and discuss with peers like us.
Take each day, one day at time, find others to help along the way and it will get better.
It took me about a 18 months after returning from Kandahar to admit I should be in counseling and be open to use of medication that would stop my anger and since of worthlessness. I had never experienced anything like this before...
No civilian job can be as important as my military job was to me, but I had to release on the feeling that I was letting people down by not being deployed or in a unit ready to deploy.
I can still yell at the top of my lungs at the drop of a hat and tick off everyone in my family by pointing out every last detail of what they did not do or how they did not meet a standard of perfection.
I still have insomnia, wake up in a panic attack, migraine headaches, night grinding, you get the picture, but all symptoms are better than they were when I started the process.
I took it one step at a time and asked for VA counseling for couples first, then medications, then PTSD counsel, then sleep study, then neurology, etc. just listening to the VA Primary Care doc, counselors, my wife, and some peers I trust who have similar issues.
Invest yourself in your work, family and hobby that you relax doing and can share with others.
When you are work only focus on the work issues.
At home, only on relationships, not the 'work' that is required to run the home.
Find something that allows you to relax, (I still suck at this part...)
Know you can reach out and discuss with peers like us.
Take each day, one day at time, find others to help along the way and it will get better.
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SSgt Joe V., is your friend local to the Twin Cities Metro area? He is going through the rough stuff that I went through about two years ago. We could arrange to get together and talk if you'd like, I also know my local contacts that have helped me out...
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I have good news SSgt Joe V., your friend is not alone and there are many people who can identify with the situation. I was in such a bad place that I got a master's degree in psychology trying to figure out why I was so broken! No one is immune to PTS. It is a human condition that is built into us for our protection. It's like an off/on switch that we had to tap into for our own protection. The problem is that some of us have a broken off switch (I'm using an overly simple description). The only thing my degree helped me with was being able to understand the official terms and reasons behind my feelings, but alas, no off switch repair is provided. Therapy is a very broad term. Some people really benefit from group therapy, other people would rather move to a cabin in Alaska to be alone instead of opening up to a group. Some PTS survivors need individual counseling, or medication, or a combination of all of the above. Your friend has a huge leg up, and that is a support system that is in place. Make sure the family gets into a support group as well so they can be learn to armor themselves during the battle with PTS.
Many brilliant, top mental health experts have been working on identifying this broken switch and there are great theories, but all they have succeeded in doing is learning what all of us PTS people have in common and they made it much easier to identify us, but not necessarily help us. The part that sucks is that there is no cure for PTS. There is only living with it successfully, living with it unsuccesfully, and all that grey area in between.
I have to have medication. I have a strong spiritual belief system and knowledge of my PTS, so I got cocky and tried tapering off my meds. What a disaster! But some other people take the same dosage of the same medication and have no positive benefits. There are MANY different meds out there and some meds need meds to go with them. Needless to say, it can take a long time to find the right balance, and since no two people are the same, it is always trial and error.
Another problem is self medicating. I was a HUGE self medicator! I could make a 1/5 of whiskey go away in a night and be functional the next day. Taking meds is almost pointless if you are just going to alter your brain chemistry with drugs or alohol. Make sure your friend knows this. All we want is to supress our PTS and we think it is better to go for a temp quick fix. That leads to a weakened support structure within your family, jail, other legal problems, and increased symptoms. In the legal system, no one cares about WHY you are in trouble and in the end we pay the full price........trust me (wink).
I threw in the towel, not out of weakness, but out of strength (looking back years later). My OEF/OIF case manager in the VA got me into a inpatient (residential) PTS program and they shipped me off to Menlo Park, CA all the way from Phoenix. Some survivors are there for 2 months to learn the basic skills of survival and successful living with the beast, some are offered a 4 month stay to continue working on that switch if they think you are a good candidate. I was there for 4 months and gave up the hootch in 2011. I still have my moments, but who doeesn't? The same things that haunted my dreams and controlled my life are now just........more easily dealt with.
Bottom line, your friend can successfully learn to live with the beast. Have your "friend" message me any time. He is NEVER alone! When we quit trying to fight the beast to a stalemate, we are saying publically that we CHOOSE to accept the life we are currently in.
Many brilliant, top mental health experts have been working on identifying this broken switch and there are great theories, but all they have succeeded in doing is learning what all of us PTS people have in common and they made it much easier to identify us, but not necessarily help us. The part that sucks is that there is no cure for PTS. There is only living with it successfully, living with it unsuccesfully, and all that grey area in between.
I have to have medication. I have a strong spiritual belief system and knowledge of my PTS, so I got cocky and tried tapering off my meds. What a disaster! But some other people take the same dosage of the same medication and have no positive benefits. There are MANY different meds out there and some meds need meds to go with them. Needless to say, it can take a long time to find the right balance, and since no two people are the same, it is always trial and error.
Another problem is self medicating. I was a HUGE self medicator! I could make a 1/5 of whiskey go away in a night and be functional the next day. Taking meds is almost pointless if you are just going to alter your brain chemistry with drugs or alohol. Make sure your friend knows this. All we want is to supress our PTS and we think it is better to go for a temp quick fix. That leads to a weakened support structure within your family, jail, other legal problems, and increased symptoms. In the legal system, no one cares about WHY you are in trouble and in the end we pay the full price........trust me (wink).
I threw in the towel, not out of weakness, but out of strength (looking back years later). My OEF/OIF case manager in the VA got me into a inpatient (residential) PTS program and they shipped me off to Menlo Park, CA all the way from Phoenix. Some survivors are there for 2 months to learn the basic skills of survival and successful living with the beast, some are offered a 4 month stay to continue working on that switch if they think you are a good candidate. I was there for 4 months and gave up the hootch in 2011. I still have my moments, but who doeesn't? The same things that haunted my dreams and controlled my life are now just........more easily dealt with.
Bottom line, your friend can successfully learn to live with the beast. Have your "friend" message me any time. He is NEVER alone! When we quit trying to fight the beast to a stalemate, we are saying publically that we CHOOSE to accept the life we are currently in.
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SSgt Joe V.
I see why the title is so fitting now Uncle SFC Mark Merino - Thanks, and expect a message or two from me.
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Talking helps. Talking with someone who was there with helps more. I had a 'friend' who went away to therapy. Helped him and his family a lot.
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Have any of you had the opportunity to try flotation/sensory deprivation therapy? There is lots of science coming out about how it calms the fight or flight response in the brain and allows the pre-frontal cortex the opportunity to strengthen itself and, thus, help control the psychological and physiological response when triggers are present. If anything, it's incredible for anxiety and depression and may be a great "buddy" to traditional counseling. There are a number of personal testimonies from veterans that have succeeded in weaning off pharmaceuticals due to flotation. I'm happy to talk further about it to anyone interested. Unfortunately, float centers are not available *everywhere* just yet, but I'd be more than happy to help you locate a good one, too.
I'm opening a float center near Camp Lejeune in the very near future and fought the local health department for a long time to bring it to this area for these very reasons. It's powerful, but not many are keen to it just yet.
I'm opening a float center near Camp Lejeune in the very near future and fought the local health department for a long time to bring it to this area for these very reasons. It's powerful, but not many are keen to it just yet.
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SSGT Joe Vanasse, as soon as I figure that out, I'll tell you. I swear, it sounds as if our son-in-law was writing your post.
A brilliant man, who married our daughter nine years ago, is now on drug therapy, plays endless video games, can't recall where he is going the second he steps out the door, and he looses most anything the moment he has them. He is forever trying to decide on any choice, because like you, he gets caught up in the options. Our daughter has a schedule on the bedroom wall for him. Medication... shower... breakfast...the whole day, and he seems to function well, but if one thing is off... traffic makes him miss something, or he looses something, his entire day is thrown off.
He can no longer work, he can't drive, and we are trying to figure out how to help him, because our VA here just seems to throw more drugs his way each time he mentions a problem, and that really isn't helping. We can't seem to get him into therapy, because he's terrified of it for some reason, so we've been wallowing around, trying to find something that will help.
Please know, SSGT Vanasse, you, and our son-in-law, are NOT burdens. You are loved... you are necessary to your family, and finding your way thru this isn't easy, but its so much better for those around you, to have YOU than you think.
A brilliant man, who married our daughter nine years ago, is now on drug therapy, plays endless video games, can't recall where he is going the second he steps out the door, and he looses most anything the moment he has them. He is forever trying to decide on any choice, because like you, he gets caught up in the options. Our daughter has a schedule on the bedroom wall for him. Medication... shower... breakfast...the whole day, and he seems to function well, but if one thing is off... traffic makes him miss something, or he looses something, his entire day is thrown off.
He can no longer work, he can't drive, and we are trying to figure out how to help him, because our VA here just seems to throw more drugs his way each time he mentions a problem, and that really isn't helping. We can't seem to get him into therapy, because he's terrified of it for some reason, so we've been wallowing around, trying to find something that will help.
Please know, SSGT Vanasse, you, and our son-in-law, are NOT burdens. You are loved... you are necessary to your family, and finding your way thru this isn't easy, but its so much better for those around you, to have YOU than you think.
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Perhaps flotation therapy is a solution? It's self-guided and does amazing things for helping the brain calm itself. Please let me know if you'd like additional information about it. I am opening a flotation center for this very reason and have tons of resources (including float locations (not my own) all over the country). Research has shown it to be an incredible tool for sufferers of anxiety/depression/PTSD and any stress related conditions. I'm truly just hear to help educate everyone I can that this is an option - no matter where you may be! Please let me know how I can help.
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Lots of different answers to this problem. Some would say find god, some would say that he needs to surround himself with people that he can talk to. I don't have PTS, I never had to fire my weapon in anger, but I have served in Afghanistan and seen some disturbing things. I can't level with this guy about what he saw or did, all I can say is that what he is doing right now isn't working so he either needs to try something else. My I would talk to my wife (he seems like a family man) she may not be okay with it at first but just getting out what he's holding in might help, after getting all that out, get on with your life. I know that's something hard to say but unless you want to carry that burden to your grave you need to find a way to lock that information away in the back of your mind and bury it forever. If whatever you did was so horrible that even that is not an option than if it were I, I would go to church...a lot...and not for the mass but to pray and ask forgiveness for what I had done. I'm not super religious but this is the one time when confession would be a good choice.
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