What is the goofiest thing you did in the military?

I turned my tank into a naval vessel.

I drove my M1A1 on the river in Korea so the bad guys could not see us. Sounds brilliant when you are a Lieutenant and the PSG is far away. The tank hatches were on open protected. Since I noticed water splashing too close to the turret I figured I'm about to get fired. My gunner looked through the GAS and calmly said, "Sir, we are under water". I checked on the driver through the CVC but I could not hear him since he was screaming. I'm glad he could hear me and drove the tank "Hard Right" and off the river we went. Since it was winter it was like a submarine cracking on the arctic ice. All was fine and we laughed about it.

A week later during command maintenance my driver and loader asked me "Hey skipper, how deep do you think we were back on the river?" To be a smart ass I said "Periscope depth??!!" They showed me the pre-cleaner and it was full of fish.

The writing on my go away plac says, "To Red 1, FRAGO: Dive! Dive! Dive!"

Not so much goofy, but defenitely a oh shit moment. I've been 11B my entire career with Light or Mech. I've fired Gunnery off of every platform of the Bradley from the A0 up to the A3. That being said I have NEVER seen the inside of a M1. I've used the exhaust numerous times for warmth/drying off. I've seen them fire/maneuver etc, but never seen the inside of one let alone ride in it etc.

My last "major" training excersise we were doing combined arms(1 Tank Plt, and 1 Brad Plt). We were wrapping up the excersise, and had developed a pretty good relationship with the PL from the Tank Plt(I was filling in as acting PL due to mine being in BOLC). So I asked him if I could crawl in one and maybe catch a ride. Sure he says no problem. So I'm FINALLY inside a M1 after 28 yrs in the Army. His PSG is showing me all the bells and whistles. We go for a little ride thru the training area etc. we get back and he asks if I want to sit in the drivers seat. Why of course I do. I've heard great and wonderful things about the comfort of the drivers seat of a M1. Now here is where it gets funny. I'm 6'6" 230-240 ish. There is no way in hell is my old ass is crawling in thru the front deck. No problem he says. He swings turret around and I "wiggle" my way in thru the turret. So I'm finally sitting there all comfy enjoying it. The PSG is showing/talking me thru where all the controls are.

Here comes the oh shit moment. He then tells me to reach down on the LEFT side and grab the handle and I can adjust my seat etc. I look down and see handle. I grab and pull....wrong side/wrong handle. I activated the engine compartment Halon bottles....we all hear a pop, everyone's eyes light up and half the tankers take off. He tells me what I just did and off in the distance we see the Tank Company Motor Sergeant walking our way with a HUGE ass stick, and a very upset look on his face. Everyone is scattering and I'm stuck half in half out the drivers hatch trying to escape. Everyone laughs about it nowadays, but it cost me 3 cases of beer and helping them replace the bottle.

I got sent TDY prior to my first deployment to conduct port loading operations in Rotterdam. This basically consisted of sitting on our butts until a certain vehicle was needed and then driving several over to be loaded on the ships. I was on night shift with a bunch of tankers and we got super bored just waiting around so we started driving anything and everything they needed. I drove a Paladin, an MLRS, and a whole lot more that I don't even remember the names of. I even got to drive an M1 Abrams, best part of that was this really cute reservist said she wanted to ride in the tank so I told her to hop in. My first and only time driving a tank and I picked up a girl while doing it. The goofiest part was when one of the tankers and myself made a bet about who could pivot steer the fastest. I got in a Bradley and he jumped in a tank and then we had ourselves a little pivot steer race. I lost.

Our First Sgt was looking for NCO's to fill out a Color Guard, he had stated that the NCO's had to be 6ft. He had filled all but 1 slot when he looked at me and said Sergeant Loftin you'll fill the last position, I promptly informed TOP that I was only 5ft 12in not 6ft required. He looked at me, blinked a couple of times and said F@#$it close enough.

Ever got so drunk that you went Porta John tipping, to end up only tipping your platoon sergeant in one of them and then have the rest of the weekend shoveling shit into the buckets?

We had to remove the "irish pennants" from the inside of our ALICE packs for a CG inspection at the 3d MarDiv.

I got busted swimming in the Camp Courtney, Okinawa pool at 0200 in my utilities. When the MP told me to get out of the water I explained that he could have intercourse with himself and all of his MP buddies. He told me to get out of the pool or he would get me out and I once again explained that despite the fact that he was a fine American, he could go f*ck himself at which point his SSgt explained to "quit playing with that dumbass assed grunt and send in the dog". I then got out of the pool on my own and climbed into the handcuffs.

I will save those for my memoirs... Or at least retirement... There are some doozies! :)

The goofiest thing while out in the field. While out training on an FTX near the Fulda Gap. We got blizzard conditions and was told to basically get in the woods and set up our platoon perimeters. At this point it was a game changer for our training. So we were pitted company against company.
All we was told was to set up and of course I get picked for a patrol on bravo company. After SITREP I was supposed to go and get info on bravo company. So My team goes and try to do this. We sat and observed and reported ! I got bored.... So we went for a closer look.
We got so close up on bravo company that we took 4 antennas off 1 platoon. Which is 4 tracks. Then humped them back to our rally point. Great OK ! Not good enough ! for me. There was a close Town as well ! SOMEBODY SAY BIER ? Yes, I took our team to town and bought 5 Cases of German bier.
After the Bier purchase we headed back to our platoon CP. Delivered the Antennas and Bier personally to my platoon Sgt.... Needless to say it was a great night out in the field in blizzard conditions..
After the FTX I had to deliver the antennas back to bravo Company . "Per Platoon Sgt. " I found a way without letting them know who are what... MUMS was the word ! I will never let them know... But they found them.. Laffs.. A good lesson here never let your guard down..... Somebody might find a way to cause communication problems and have fun while they are doing it !

On Diego Garcia after partying on the beach into the wee hours, i staggered back to my hooch. Didn't realize that i had staggered into the Air Force hooch right next the Navy hooch. I got into "my" rack and then vomited. Then i couldn't figure out why i couldn't unlock "my" locker. Then some AF guy said "Hey Airman, you need to clean up". I staggered out the door to use the head and a guy i worked with saw me come out and informed me i had been in the wrong hooch, then I went in and passed out in my real rack. I never did clean up...lol