What's the weirdest thing you've seen while on CQ/Duty?

It wasn't CQ duty but while I was a First Sergeant (USAF) I was called one evening by the Security Police to get one of my troops. I asked what he had done and was told we will tell you when you get here. Upon arriving I was told my troop was having his leg put in a cast and would be here shortly. Apparently he and he friend were up on the 3rd floor of my dorm (the ladies floor) and had locked the doors so they could shower with their girl friends. Some of the ladies were not pleased that they couldn't get into the bathroom so they called the SPs. My troop went out the window and dropped to the ground, breaking his ankle. That wasn't bad enough. He hobbled across the street and was in the process of hot wiring a government bus to pull under the window so his buddy didn't have to drop all the way to the ground when he was caught. It took the Commander 30 minutes to stop laughing before I could bring the troop into the office. This was in 1991.

Roughly 0300 Saturday morning in Fort Gordon, so I'm pretty much just sitting back and checking the occasional returning drunk back into the barracks. All of a sudden I hear screaming from the second floor, and so I run upstairs expecting gawd knows what.

I find the fire guard (scrawny little guy) had decided to curl up with a blanket next to a hallway water fountain and get some sleep instead of staying awake for his shift. Grrrr. The joke was on him though, because one of those returning drunks had mistaken his curled up form for a urinal. (An easy mistake to make, could have happened to anybody, right?)

Cue the screaming. Waking up to urine in the face can't be fun so he freaked out and tried his ineffective damnedest to beat the (much larger) drunk guy to death, while just waking up in a dark hallway. In his panicked state this really just meant that he flailed his piss-drowned blanket and fists around in the dark hallway, managing to damage the water fountain, a fire extinguisher, and scrape his bloody knuckles all over the walls while the drunk guy he apparently missed most of the time just slumped against a wall and started to snore.

So to recap, I walked through the stairwell door into a near pitch black hallway and had to try and calm down a part-rage-part-sobbing Private with a wet blanket still over his shoulders. A Private who had just managed to A) Fall asleep on duty, B) Get pissed on (AND I MEAN DRENCHED), C) Lose a fight with brick walls and industrial steel equipment and finally D) fling droplets of his blood and somebody else's urine in every direction for a good 20 feet.

Good times.

This story was not when I was in the Service but a few years ago I was working as a Security Officer in Alaska when I noticed a 6"4' 300lb transvestite making out with a ship Captain. When the "woman" went to the bathroom I said excuse me but do you know that is not a real woman you are being intimate with. His reply was I have been at sea for the last six months, "Don't mess with my fantasy "

I have many, but this photo tells the story, and the crest on the door just sank them all. I expect the CSM will have fun with this.

Well personally, I've had people pissing off the roof of the barracks. I've also had the pleasure of being on duty during health and comfort inspections. It's hilarious watching rooms getting tossed.

My absolute favorite though is when the SgtMaj caught the SOG jerking it at the duty desk. So the SgtMaj grabbed the Duty Logbook and wrote in it that he caught the Sgt jerking it on post. You know how much we love our paperwork, so it was hilarious being able to read it in official documentation.

While OOD late on a Saturday night...DNCO handed me the phone and said, "Sir, I think you oughta take this.". I wound up talking to a lady who was complaining about hearing so much pilot/tower talk that she couldn't get to sleep. First of all, I explained, our runway was closed for the night and we didn't have any air ops going on that I was aware of. She insisted she was hearing them. I asked if perhaps she was hearing a local civilian airport cross talk. No, she said she'd lived here for years and knows Marines when she hears them. I asked where she was hearing them...on her radio, tv? What?... She said...none of those... "I hear them in my head!". Okay then...I told her I'd see what I can do and to give me a name and number. I gave them to the Chaplain the next AM and he said he'd check on her ... That's all I know...all I want to know.

A guy wearing a neck gaiter as a mini skirt, and an LBV as a bustier.

A newly reported soldier didn't care for the Army (insert shocked face here), and was told he wasnt getting out of his contract.

One night, he determined he would commit suicide using the cord of the floor buffer. He tied the cord around his neck, threw the buffer out the window (his room was on the third floor), sat down facing away from the window. The cord went tight but did not cut off his breathing, and the buffer broke into several pieces after impacting the ground.

A female on restriction aboard the ship decided one Friday night that she wanted to go out instead of being stuck on the ship. After the last muster at 2200, she went to her berthing and changed into civilian clothes. I was walking across the hangar bay having just gotten off watch when we all heard a loud, "HEY! STOP!" from one of the pier watches. We all looked to where he was pointing, and there she was, shimmying down a mooring line.
Now, a Nimitz-class carrier is moored to the pier with 12 lines, and she chose the longest and best lit to try and escape from the ship. Of course, security quickly had people at both ends of the line, and she ended up going in the water as she couldn't decide whether to try and continue down the line or go back to the ship.
Her restriction was extended a bit longer...

1. Standing duty in 1975 on Tuesdays and Thursdays in the barracks (21 Area, Camp Pendleton) was fraught with anxiety - Tuesdays the KKK held their weekly meeting back of the squad bay; Thursdays the Black Panthers held their weekly meeting...
2. Payday weekends in the same barracks (above) if you caught the duty - despite the rowdiness, drunks, and fights - came with perks; PFC P-----, who ran hookers up from Tijuana and sectioned off part of the squad bay with blankets, gave the duty NCO a freebie.
3. 1st duty weekend at Casual Company, MCRD San Diego, I'm sounding reveille on Monday morning - one guy wasn't stirring, so I went to shake him awake. He was stiff as a board and been dead from overdose all weekend.