What's your best military-related story?

You can't tell any of the realy good stories on a public forum like this.

My best Military related story was when I was stationed onboard a Ammunition ship at my 18th year of my 21 year Navy Career and it had a fire where we stored the ammunition. It was my ships turn to rotate overseas (Asia) in support of the fleet. Our mission was to take ammunition to a Navy base then pick up more. When we arrived in Japan we had sensitive ammunition onboard and had to anchor 4 miles from shore. One early morning between 1 to 4 am one of our shipmates ran downstairs to our berthing area and shouted, Fire, Fire, Get Up. As I'm getting dressed I'm thinking, Oh great there's a fire and I'm on an Ammunition Ship. When I got up on deck where the Captain is waiting, a report comes to him that it was too smokey and dark to see how to put the fire out.
The Captain says, start the Ships Engines. That meant we were going to go further out to sea so that if we blew up we wouldn't take part of Japan with us. Panic started in my mind because we were trapped onboard the ship with no way to get off since we're anchored 4 miles out to sea. But suddenly I heard in my mind, Pray. My prayer was, God I'm 1000's of nautical miles from home, my family doesn't know what's happening to me. I've got 3 years to retire, Do I die now? I felt a peace come over me.
Half our 200 man crew was on shore having a good time and for obvious reasons weren't allowed to come back to the ship to help. But what seemed like just a few minutes after my Prayer, One of our
shipmates rented a boat taxi and came back to the ship anyway. And thank God he showed the fire team how to get to a better position to put the ship fire out. If he hadn't come back, and showed the fire team how to better fight the fire in the ammunition cargo hold, I wouldn't be here to share this
story with you.

1969 2dLAAMBn, MCAS Yuma. A young 2dLt is walking across the hangar and encounters the BnSgtMaj.
"Good afternoon, Sergeant Major."
"Lieutenant, I thought I told you to get a haircut yesterday."
"Yes, Sergeant Major, but..."
Grabbing the young officer by his lapel, "Come with me."
An hour later, I'm in the Bn HQ when the Colonel sends for the Sergeant Major.
A young liieutenant with a fresh "high and tight" leaves the office as the Sergeant Major enters.
"Sergeant Major, you have to quit f^&*ing with my officers."
"Sir, if you'll square your officers away, I won't have to."
"Dismissed."
As the Sergeant Major leaves, we can both hear the Colonel chuckling.

My First night in Vietnam. Myself and about 80 other Navy vets arrive in Danang about noon May 14th 1970. It was sunny and the temperature was above 100 and it was already horribly humid. I was only 19 and didn't even know for sure what the heck I was going to be doing over there. (I ended up being a MP in jeep patrols.) We arrived at Camp Tien Sha Naval Support Activity Danang.and were taken to the transient barracks. We were given just a few instructions. First that we would be contacted the next day to find out where we were going to be placed. Second was that if we heard sirens we were to yell "Red Alert, red alert, rocket attack, rocket attack!!!!" And then to grab a flak jacket on the barracks wall and proceed immediately to the sandbagged bunker right next to the barracks. Third we were instructed on where to find the EM Club just a few blocks down the street and that anybody could drink in Vietnam whatever their age. Need I tell you I drank more beers that night than I could count. Most of which I sweat off. That night in bed as I went to sleep I thought, "well at least we did not have to fight our way over to our base from the Danang Air Base as many of us probably thought might happen." About 0400 hours I woke up to hearing a siren. I thought "Holy Shit it's a rocket attack. Upon which I immediately screamed out, "Red Alert, red alert, rocket attack, rocket attack!!!!" Well it was quite a site seeing 80 men in their skivvies scrambling to get their flak jacket and all trying to get through one screen door and into a bunker THEIR FIRST NIGHT IN A WAR ZONE! So all of us were standing in this musty smelling bunker with sand between our toes when the real truth came out! As it turned out the transient barracks was right next to Sick Bay. And the siren was just an ambulance bringing someone in. I collectively heard some of the worst cursing I had ever head and I was a sailor. One man next to me said "If I catch the the SOB who yelled Red Alert I am going to kill the MFer." (fearing for my health) I quickly thought up a good response to his response and said "ME TOO!"

Way back in the 70,s I was a drill SGT. We had a kid get off the bus shaking so bad we called him earthquake. Few days later I briefed him how to report to the ISGT for his meal card and might of expanded how mean the ISGT was. That’s when he really started shaking. He went in reported as briefed and threw up all over Tops desk. Top always blamed me for that saying I did it on purpose. Well maybe!

Not my story; I have a few but these two were related to me by the soldier’s father and verified by the soldier. Similar to Major Motupalli’s MRAP a story. My friend’s son was the Colonel’s and SGTMAJ’s driver. At a stop everyone exited the vehicle except the driver. A few moments later someone yelled OMG Corporal X is down, he’s been hit. Running to his aid his head was a bloody mess. Thinking the worst a Medivac Dustoff was called for. As the hello was landing both the Colonel and SGTMAG grab him and run to the chopper. So what happened to Corporal X? When exiting the MRAP he failed to ensure the door was locked open. As he exited the vehicle the heavy door hit him in the head causing a huge gash and sending him, out cold to the ground!

The other involved a pair of boots and a new SGTMAJ. While in theater the Colonel authorized his soldiers to buy and wear a better boot then the issued combat boots. Returning stateside the unit received a new SGTMAJ. One morning the new SGTMAJ lit up our erstwhile Corporal about his “non-regulation” boots. Along comes the Colonel who stops and listens to the one sided conversation he interrupts the SGTMAJ and asks what the problem was. The SGTMAJ related that the Corporal was wearing “non” regulation boots and ordered him to show up at formation the next morning in regulation boots. The Colonel looked down at his own boots (same as the Corporal’s) and asked the SGTMAJ if his boots were ok? The next words were “SGTMAJ why not take a walk with me and we’ll talk about boots and other things.”

Best story I remember when I was at the gas chamber during 11B OSUT Harmony church, Ft. Benning. The NCOIC and Drill Sergeants told us that once we left the chamber to grab the rope to our side and follow it. What they failed to tell us is that they tied it to a tree so that we all bounced off said tree like blind lemmings...

Once your eyes cleaned up enough to see, we all enjoyed those that followed us afterwards.

Someone going for a “shovel recce” closely followed by someone with a “thunder flash”

Or

Someone going for a dump, the whole tank squadron turned the searchlights in him. Can’t get no privacy.

Or

A craftsman dissing the unit, broom handle through the sleeves of his coveralls, hooked on to 2 gun barrels and elevated. Squealed like a pig, as the fellas were “lifted and separated”

I was in a bar in Germany, drinking with my Bundeswehr buddies. In walked a Dutch soldier. The duty “hero” stood up and German said “let’s get him”

Everyone in the bar stood up! Our hero, thinking he has the support of the entire bar. The bar tender pointed out “Those tables British Army”, those tables “Luftwaffe”, Kriegsmarine, Herr”, those guys “US Army”

During desert shield we still had to maintain load crew proficiency, but the guy in charge broke the rules when having to load train with live weapons. The minimum amount of people with the minimum amount of explosives for the minimum time. They decided to put the load training in a huge twin tube tabvee, that had our can birds, pmel, electronic sheds, and oh yeah not to mention the complete command. If anything had gone wrong it would have taken out just about all our war fighting capabilities. So finally had our shop meeting, the head of weapons was at the front of the table, he ask if anyone had any questions. I ask who was the genius hat put us in the big tabvee, the worst idea. The chief spoke up. It was mine. As they say. Oh well someone's always a wiseass.