What was the most challenging difference in your relationships (romantic or platonic/professional) after you separated from the military?

I have to start by saying that I'm a couple of generations, and several conflicts, removed from today's military. Much has changed since I retired 30 years ago, but perhaps some things never change.

We retired from a 5 year tour in Germany so we had to deal with the culture shock of returning to the states while dealing with adjusting to retirement, finding a place to live, civilian schools for the kids, and finding a job. There were no programs for transition so we were pretty much on our own.

We'd been married for 19 years at that time and we thought we had a pretty strong relationship. The first issue we had to deal with was that our world no longer revolved around me, my job, my unit, or my duties. A military family is focused on supporting the service member with all the sacrifices and compromises inherent in that environment. Suddenly, we had no such focus. We worked very hard to reorient our focus on each other. My challenge was to seriously consider the family first in every major decision we faced. Patience, communication, and understanding are critical to maintaining your family relationships.

The second challenge is the sudden absence of a social life. In the service, we had several opportunities each month to get together with other couples, usually from the same unit, to eat, drink, dance, play, and strengthen bonds of trust and friendship. Additionally, I was involved in several other functions each month without the wife; Bosses' Night, Right Arm Night, Officer's call at the O Club, and other similar functions. Carol was also involved in activities that didn't include me, usually meetings and activities with the Officer's Wives Club. Those activities didn't exist in our new community so we had more leisure time to fill by ourselves. Took some time for us to get used to date night by ourselves and including the kids in our social activities.

The professional challenges are numerous and daunting. In uniform, it was common to trust your comrades without question until proven otherwise. Out here, you do that and they'll hand you your ass! Politics, back stabbing, and butt kissing are fairly routine career moves in civilian companies. It also quickly becomes evident that most civilian organizations have no concept of teamwork or leadership. In uniform, you can immediately identify a person's skill set, professional qualification and experience; usually just by looking at their uniform and talking with them for a few minutes. That isn't possible in a civilian environment. Some indications exist, i.e., larger office, reserved parking, admin assistant, and size of their staff, but you have to look harder. Adjusting to those challenges is critical if you expect to succeed in a civilian career. The longer you served, the more difficult the transition.

There are obvious challenges in transitioning from military service to civilian life but everyone has to face it and the overwhelming majority experience a successful transition. If I had to name one thing that would've helped me the most in making that transition it would be to have understood that I'll never really be a civilian. It took a long time to realize that I'm military, and always will be. I've successfully learned how to act like a civilian -- but it's only an act.

I've never found a civilian boss of any level that could give me a true "lawful order" that would put me in jail if I questioned it, or didn't follow it to the letter. Yes, there could be professional consequences up to and including getting fired, but that's far different than CO authority. I've also never found closer friends or tighter bonds with people outside the Army than while I was on active duty. Perhaps police officers or firefighters have those relationships, but I haven't.

For whatever reason after I separated, I found that I was claustrophobic. People didn't and still don't understand my thinking. It took years to get over the claustrophobia and I still have trouble in a crowd. Like the security check point at Atlanta airport. I also still struggle with the 110% thing. People either say that I work too hard or they take advantage of me and test me to see how far I can go. I still haven't failed a test and have criss-crossed the US kicking A. That mentality has been a key to survival and a curse.

I Missed the "camaraderie" . When you are in the service, especially living in on-post housing, you know everyone and basically what they do. There is no divide (except officer/enlisted boundaries) whereas in civilian life your next door neighbor may be a doctor, dentist, Law Enforcement Officer, Drug Dealer, ... Some will look down on you, most just ignore all their neighbors. It was hard to adapt. (This was back in 1987 as well.)

Having a steady state relationship with my wife instead of the "honeymoon" and "leaving" that sea duty brings.

Being accepted back

Being accepted back

As humans, we learn to mirror our environment. Where Veterans have trouble is when they do not learn to mirror their environment. Whiny people are not necessarily whiny. When you observe them more closely, you find that their environment caused them to be that way. Be the example without being the 'tough' military guy. Learn about the different generations and what their belief systems are then leading them is much easier. In other words - you mirror them.