Where do you feel most centered and happy?

I posted the above after a lot of thought of something nice to say so I came up with that answer.And it's all a lie!!!

None of the above statement is true! The real truth is nothing good and is this: I'm not happy and I'm not content and I am so very, very far from those two things.

I'm a Disabled Veteran AND later became a Disabled Police Officer after 10 long years of rehab from my military injury. Now... I'm not content or happy because I live on a very limited and fixed income living month to month when I receive my disability pay. I can't work overtime to save for a vacation, I can't make some court time to help pay for home repairs or something a little extra for me because the bills need paid first, foremost and always leaving nothing left every single month. I stress everyday as I watch my home fall into disrepair as I can not afford the materials and can no longer do the work. I don't sleep very well because of extreme pain and struggle throughout each day in pain everywhere in my body. I also stress non stop worrying that something big goes wrong and how I will not be able to pay for it. If I have an added or unexpected expense of $100 for example, it sets me in the proverbial "rob Peter to pay Paul" mode which always leaves me running behind on something somewhere to someone for something!

I don't live beyond my means. I'm not an alcoholic or drug addict and I don't have a gambling problem. The problem I have is I'm a physical wreck of a person from injuries from serving my country in the US Army and serving my local communities as a Police Officer. I was injured in the line of duty during both careers and which was known the propensity for life threatening or debilitating injuries. I willingly accepted those risks and paid the price for doing so.

Now, at the ripe old age of 51, my body is literally falling apart and I suffer in pain all day and night from those injuries and resulting surgeries which didn't help. To add insult to injury, I suffer from Psoriatic Arthritis SEVERELY courtesy of Uncle Sam and the "mystery shots" for Desert Shield/Storm; you know, the modern day Vietnam that everyone has forgotten about thanks to 9/11. Most help out there is for "Post 9/11" Veterans. In fact, when I first contacted the Wounded Warrior Project many years ago and was asked what era I was from and said Desert Shield/Storm the guy on the other end of the phone said he had never heard of it and that they (WWP) only "serve post 9/11 Veterans".

So... I have nothing to look forward to but pain, agony, no money and none of life's little luxuries. I can't fix up my house but I sure can sit around and watch it deteriorate! I have never been on a vacation and never will. Hell, I can't even say "at least I have my health!". My life is over for the most part and all that is left for me is to sit and wait for the remaining pain filled nightmare to end which is absolutely pathetic.

All of what I have written is sad and pathetic but all true. Anyone that wants to verify what I have said, just let me know because I have no problem sharing my horror story as I have no pride left as I have had to beg and beg to get help with no luck.

So that's the real answer to the question and as short as I can make it and still get the point across with all the pertinent details. And please know that I didn't write this for attention or for anyone to feel sorry for me (I have done that enough on the inside and keep it hidden pretty well) and I'm absolutely not nor have I ever been suicidal. It's just the facts of someone that has fallen and been forgotten which happens to be my life.

Sincerely,

Scott A. Morrison
Disabled Veteran, US Army Aviation
Disabled Police Officer, PA MPO (Ret.)