While on the firing line at the range, what is the most off the wall excuse a Private has made up because they can't shoot?

"I'm just not feeling it today."

As A 91f (Small Arms Repair) I have heard every excuse under the sun for the weapon is malfunctioning, front sight leaning, rear sight to high, mostly all 10 level excuses.

"The safety walked into our line of fire".

I wish I was making this up. And this was all permanent party folks. We were conducting a pop-up target range. The entire far right end of the firing line stopped shooting, about halfway through. We called a cease fire, so we could go see what was happening. We called ready on the left. We saw the white paddle. Ready in the center? White paddle. Ready on the right? No paddle. Ready on the right? Still no paddle. We had everyone clear and place their weapons down and step back from the firing line. When we got down there, we started asking what had happened. They all said the same thing. They stopped because the safety had walked off the range to their right and slightly forward of the firing line.
We pulled everyone off the range and went to find the safety. We found him sitting on a tree stump about 250 yards into the tree line, eating an MRE.

The targets keep going down too fast; i can't get a "bead" on em.

A sweat bee kept blocking my sight picture.

My experience takes me back to 1989 at Ft Dix New Jersey. When it was a basic training camp before becoming a reserve center. I was in training when they started up with the "time out cards". Out on the range this pvt was being hit with ground drills because of his lack for paying attention. We where all asked who hit expert and several of us did. They chose someone to take his place to qualify him. Little did they realize that he had 5 live rounds hidden in his cargo pocket. He walked up to a DS and pulled one out and asked the DS if it was a good color on his lips as he acted like it was lip stick.... Well to make a long story short the DS tackled him and emptied his pockets to find the rest along with the famous time out card. Here he had been seeing the psych doctor and it wasn't reported. He got an immediate section 8. They took him to the airport to send him home. Once he got out of the vehicle he acted like he was riding a motorcycle and the DS who took him there said he was no longer in the military and free to go home. He climbed off his imaginary motorcycle handed the DS the key and as he walked away flipped off the DS and stated " well i got my 100% the military can go pound salt.... He faked it all along and now they are still trying to figure out how to revoke the benefits he recieves.

Mine was actually from an E7. I had just got out of the 11th ACR and joined a reserve unit. A career reserve NCO went to qualify on the M60 before me and couldn't hit any of the stacked tires at 300 yards. He got up cussing and swearing, screaming that the gun was messed up. I laid down next with my "loader", a good kid but another career reservist and he didn't know how to load the machine gun. I loaded it and told him to feed me, then looked at the rear sight. It was set for max range (this is 1991, before desert storm so I don't remember the range it was set at). I reset and proceed to drill the targets.....

That SOB gave me extra duty the next two days.....

I left that unit the next month.

As a Drill Instructor everyone can shoot, it's to get them to qual. Drill Instructor from 71-72, MCRD, 3RTBn, PISC

I swear I hit the targets, they just didn't go down!

I actually heard a private tell me that he was not taught to exhale fully before squeezing his trigger. I spent an hour and over 30 rounds getting him zeroed before he said that to me. I proceeded to take the paddle and smack him on the helmet with it, then range walked over to the range NCO cussing and mumbling. I told the range NCO what I just was told and he laughed for a good 2 minutes.