Would a Senior Aviation Warrant oblige me by reading and critiquing my resume summary?

If a senior Warrant would care to read and critique my summary, I would be greatly appreciative!

My summary will be terse, not because I am attempting to be conceited or because I do not feel like exerting the effort to be extensive in my summary, but because I feel as if it will be the most effective way to communicate my thoughts to you the board.

When I enlisted in the US Army I had a set of goals I wished to achieve (i.e. to become a US Army Airborne Ranger and to serve/deploy with the 75th Ranger Regiment, and to attain the rank of Staff Sergeant). My intent was always to finish my career as a US Army Aviator. Now that I have achieved these goals it is time for me to move forward with my career.

Becoming a Pilot has always been a nagging calling in my heart. For this reason I will become an Aviator, whether it is in the US Army or in the private sector. As of this year, I am 32 years old. This means that there is only one year left for me to be selected as a candidate for US Army flight training. Time is not on my side. Frankly, this board will simply determine if the US Army will choose to retain and train me as such, or if I will end termination of service from the Military and utilize the benefits it has provided me to accomplish my final career goal. Nonetheless, I would strongly prefer, and be considerably more honored to continue my service to this great country by being afforded the opportunity to prove myself as an Aviator.

I do not need to inflate myself, my records speak enough on my performance over the past decade of service. In closing I will say this, having served in both the 75th Ranger Regiment, and the 1/509th IN (ABN) (“The Most Hated Unit in the Army”), and after having successfully served with elite units such as the 160th SOAR and Joint Special Operations Command, I have developed the 21st century Soldier skills and competencies required to be a US Army Rotary Wing Aviator of the highest caliber.

HERE IS REVISION NO.1

My summary will be concise, in order to effectively verbalize my firm desire to achieve the goal I have put forth for myself.

While working towards a Mechatronics degree from Purdue University I chose to shift my focus from solely a collegiate education to that of Military service. I set objectives in order to deliberately develop myself into an outstanding Soldier Leader, and I have achieved these goals by becoming a US Army Airborne Ranger and by serving/deploying with the 75th Ranger Regiment. Also, by attaining the rank of Staff Sergeant. However, my end goal has yet to be met, and I have now come to the final step, and I am persistent in my means of achieving my goal of finishing my career as a US Army Aviator.

As of this year, I am 32 years old. To be frank, time is not on my side, and I am left with only one year to achieve my goal of being selected as a candidate for US Army flight training. I will not settle for leaving my goals unmet. My intent throughout my career has always been to become an Aviator, and I will achieve that goal through either the US Army or in the private sector. It is at the board’s discretion to determine which direction I will follow to reach this objective. If the US Army will provide me the opportunity to do such by retaining and retraining me, then there will be no need for me to mark my end termination of service just yet. However, if the board deems me unfit to perform duties as a US Army Aviator I will be forced to utilize the benefits my eleven years of service has provided me in order to attain my end goal. I would prefer to be trained and educated by those I have entrusted my life to for over a decade, so that I may continue to remain prideful and continue to serve this great Nation and its Military.

I have no need to inflate myself, my records speak on my performance over the past decade of service, and it is under scrutiny of the board to recognize continued and unrestricted growth. In closing I say this, I have developed the 21st century Soldier skills and competencies required to be a US Army Rotary Wing Aviator of the highest caliber. Having successfully served in the 75th Ranger Regiment, and the 1/509th IN (ABN) (“The Most Hated Unit in the Army”), and having served alongside elite units such as 160th SOAR and Joint Special Operations Command my personal strengths match my veracity to achieve greatness.