Living For Those Who Didn't Make it Home on this Year's Purple Heart Day

Purple heart day is tough for a lot of us. It’s one of the few days of the year you can’t run from the why. Why did I make it and these others didn't? Every purple heart recipient has a story, here is mine, transparent, honest and raw.

It was October 10th 2005, I was doing a reconnaissance mission. It was a week long live out in a factory during Ramadan and the Iraqi election. Everyone around me was getting killed on both sides. I had been there for 3 months and we had support all the way up the chain. We go into the factory to set everything up then we go to slide out of the place to scope the area. We immediately see two gun trucks quickly heading toward us. We have to dismount guys from our vehicle to get the terrorist vehicles to back off and in the commotion I saw three terrorists on a roof about 450 meters out; I immediately knew this was a complex effort. I was facing 12’oclock and I turned back to 1’oclock to tell my lieutenant I was going to take the shot when I realized the whole thing was a set-up.

I was hit by a sniper. They were aiming for the pectoral into the heart because it was an instant kill. I got hit but I didn't go down, I felt oddly good. I tell people it was like an MMA fighter getting punched in the ear, you feel it but you can push through; especially with the adrenaline pumping the way it was. We got back into our vehicle, backed the cars off and sped off. I tell my lieutenant, platoon sergeant, and the driver that I’m okay, the bullet hit my plate. To the left of me, my platoon sergeant reached over and grabbed me when he noticed the blood from coming out of the side of my chest. It was a kill shot. I’ve always been a very realistic guy, and as they rushed me to the hospital to get operated on, I remember thinking that I might die. We got to the hospital and I wanted to walk in on my own. I didn’t want to get carried in to die. One of the baddest asses I've ever met looked at me with eyes wide opened and mouth gaping because he saw my wound. I then knew I was probably going to die.

I got into the operating room and the doctors were looking for the exit wound but the bullet was still inside me. My captain kept telling me to stay with him and asked me if I knew what day it was. I knew what he was doing, so instead I responded with “Adam Vinatieri is the best kicker in football” because we watched the Patriots play Atlanta right before we went out for the mission. At that moment, they knew I was going to be okay. I called my family and I remember getting on the phone with the old man. I told him I was good and he said “you always say you’re good, you got shot!” In terms of getting shot, it couldn’t be any better.

A medivac was being called in and the plan to get my back home was commencing. I refused the medivac and told my captain with all due respect, I am not going anywhere. The doctors told me I was going to need skin grafts, the hole in my chest wasn’t going to close and would most likely get lethally infected if I stayed. No one was getting me on that chopper. I left the hospital and called my aunt who is one of my closest supporters. I told I got shot but I was staying and needed her to have my back with the family. Without hesitation she said “I wouldn't expect anything different from you.” I knew it was the right move for me. Everyone was getting killed and I had to do my part in keeping these guys alive, I couldn't abandon them. Thirty days later, I started kicking doors full force. The wound took about 8 months to close fully and had to repacked daily, but they did get the bullet out which is on my dog tags I wear around my neck everyday. It's a physical reminder to never take life for granted. I always tell guys I never have and never would.

I can pinpoint the exact moment where I was given another shot at life, it’s the greatest bonus in the world. But like I said right at the start, Purple Heart Day is tough for a lot of us. We have to face “the why.” Why did I make it and these others didn't? I tell the guys I mentor to ask themselves how instead of why; how would you want the guys to live if they made it and you didn’t? Survivors' guilt paired with the traumatic events Purple Heart recipients go through, things can get very dark very quickly and I was not immune to that.

I wasn't afraid to die in the heaviest combat in the war but the transition home was tough to say the least. The sudden death of a very close family member who was part of my support system made things exponentially harder. It was extra difficult because she was anti-war and said things that were extremely hurtful, especially after seeing so many heroes who were also my friends die right next to me. I had to make a choice at that moment, shut down or dust myself off and ask for help to keep moving in the right direction. I knew I had to help other American heroes see how much life they had left to live and we owe it to the guys who didn't make it to make the world a better place.

The problem is that everyone who's struggling thinks they're the only ones struggling because no one wants to talk about it. We need to bridge the gap between vets in crisis and world class care. It starts with having the uncomfortable, highly emotive conversations so many vets avoid at all costs. That’s why I purge myself first and give them my story with no filters. Not because I was dying to share my deepest struggles with people, but because talking about them saves lives. Demonstrating that asking for help was the greatest thing I’ve ever done and it’s a sign of strength that saves lives. Admitting you’re having a hard time will not impede you in any way, it will save you and allow you to save others who are going through the exact same thing you are. Point blank.

The hardest part about reaching out for help is the act itself. When I have an American hero on the other end of line who is in crisis - I tell them that's where I was. Honestly yeah, life sucks sometimes but you have to keep moving because the guys who didn't make it would like to be alive just to have a bad day. As soon as we’re on the phone, I tell them that we know the issue and identify the threat and we can take it down. World class American heroes are sometimes mortified after hearing my story, but it isn't a pissing match. It's a good thing mine seems worse because I've been in your seat and I made it.

Trying to make as much as a difference for the greater good when youre here is important. We’re warriors, we are not victims. Life is tough but you have to keep moving in the right direction and refuse to quit. I realize I could have been dead in 2005 which is why I live in the moment and live life to the fullest. The worst day of my life turned into a positive. Most Purple Heart Recipients can put a date on when we realized everyday is a gift. I think that’s important and it’s why we have so many positive and humble Purple Heart guys in the community. It is very humbling to be linked to every vet who has been wounded and killed in action.

My thoughts and deepest respect goes out to all vets, but especially Purple Heart Recipients today. Forgo the pressure and guily you might feel. These warriors live vicariously what we do, so embrace life for what it is.