An Oversized Gluteus Maximus Will Now Prevent Military Service

Amid rising concern about obesity and various medical conditions preventing military service, the Pentagon has just published a new policy against those with oversized gluteus maximus muscles. This will be the first time in over 20 years that the military is rewriting body composition standards to this advanced degree. Simply put, new methods will be administered in order to determine whether or not troops are carrying too much weight behind and underneath them to serve effectively in the U.S. military. Among civilians, this is further shrinking the pool of qualified prospective recruits. And among the active-duty force, a rising number of big-bottomed troops poses risks to readiness and health care costs.

“You can look around and see all the soldiers that are bulging out of their ABU pants,” said Dr. Leonard Jefferson, a professor of fitness and human ecology at Yale University who has studied military nutrition and body composition. “They must do something about it.”

Seaman Matthew Jolistein of the United States Coast Guard praised the new policy saying, “Spinal conditions should be taken very seriously by our military. Extremely physical demands are asked of all of us, and back issues caused by guys with huge asses shouldn’t be detrimental to the readiness of the force. People need to have normal bodies to protect our country.”

The pending changes may be far reaching, possibly trickling into law enforcement as well. This will be the first time this pressing matter will be addressed primarily by certified military health professionals — many of them trained physicians and scientists.

“We are taking a slightly different perspective on this, focusing on the health of our military members and what may impact that. What determinants can we identify quickly and easily that would relate to predispositions for injury or illness?” one defense official said.

This official, who requested anonymity because the internal proceedings are still confidential and some final decisions are yet to be made, also hinted at a few other new tests which could further limit military service. Among those mentioned, a common sense test, an ingrown hair test, and a flammability test seem to be the frontrunners for new military-service qualifications.


*This piece is purely satire. Don’t believe a thing.