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I am a military caregiver to my younger sister, Kimberly, who is an Air Force veteran. Kimberly was diagnosed with MS in 2014 and I was her caregiver for a few years. She then went to live with my mother but my mom’s health has recently been depleting and can no longer care for Kimberly so as of October 2020, I have been her full time caregiver.
At the beginning of her diagnosis, Kimberly was extremely needy and had limited mobility. Her cognitive ability was very low and caring for her was a 2-3 person job. I was fortunate and had a friend and outside caregivers to help out, but it was very labor intensive. She has improved tremendously but nonetheless, it is still a full time job.
Kimberly’s diagnosis came at the same time I was opening a second location of my business, a salon. My sister went to live with my mother in Texas and I pursued my business. The interim was very calm and allowed my mom and sister to spend a lot of time together. I didn’t have to give up my business at the beginning which is why I don’t feel robbed by the decision of being a full-time caretaker. When my mom got sick, there wasn’t, and still isn’t, anyone else capable of giving her the care she needs. In the event I was not available to take care of my sister, she would have had to be institutionalized. My sister appears to be 100% good to go; it’s upon sitting down with her and having a conversation or asking her to perform a menial task that you understand the depth of what has happened to her. She is brilliant and it’s sometimes difficult to see who she has become, especially for her children. They don't understand that their mom needs a lot of help so they tend to shy away from her because they don't want to see her in that light.
It was extremely difficult to have to shut down my dream while I was living it. At one point, there was a lot of regret. I dealt with the grief of my decision and my dream coming to an end for a year and the emotions were thick. It was hard to go from making a 6 figure income to filing for bankruptcy and qualifying for food stamps. The change in my lifestyle has been the most difficult; I had no worries about money and spending. What changed my life was this decision to become a full time caregiver and although caregiving comes naturally being the oldest of 3, a mom, bartender and hairdresser, it was a tumultuous road. Caring for my sister is not an easy thing, but it’s not the hardest thing I’ve ever done either. It’s like having a child who needs constant reassurance and guidance.
People often recognize the trials and tribulations caregivers endure, which I of course appreciate, but they don’t see the other side. They remember the things I am going through with her but they miss the things that she's going through with me. She is with me 100% of the time which includes: me being depressed, going to bankruptcy court together, crying with me when I lost my business. Kimberly went through everything with me and has to bear that burden that at some level due to an uncontrollable situation, it happened because of her. She had to watch the aftermath of deciding to put my dreams aside while I had to watch MS take over her life. She deserves some credit.
We deal with issues just like any other sibling relationship. My sister has no romantic life, which is important for a person in their 40s and relatively young to have the option to pursue. She does not have the ability but she has the desire for one. Trust is another hurdle we had to jump over. As adults, we’ve been conditioned to learn not to trust other people; especially when it comes to privacy and medical information. When my mom was taking care of her, it was natural to be more open to a parent. We had to develop and build that trust. I had to reassure her that what I'm doing may not be pleasant, but I am doing it with her best interest in mind. I had to prove over and over again in the beginning that I am never leaving her or let her be alone. Gaining that trust took about a year. We spend a lot of time talking where I’m the shoulder to cry on and the counselor. We have the memories and shared experience of growing up together which is a familiarity that you can build on.
Building that trust was showing her that she's my world, she's my life, she's what I do because it is my full time job. This came to light when handling the relationship with the VA. When it comes to the VA and navigating their system, be persistent. The phrase “the squeaky wheel gets heard” is 100% accurate. My label at the VA is “the sister;” when they see me coming they know I am going to advocate for her as hard as I can and will not accept no for an answer. I am relentless and will end up where I need to be even if I have to go to every single office. The caregivers program is quite difficult to get into. I've been working on it for a year and have still not been accepted but if I get turned down again I will continue to apply. When you decide to take on the job of being a full time caretaker, it is your responsibility to protect and advocate for your veteran.
However, you also need to make sure you’re taking care of yourself. It's really important if you're going to be a full time caretaker to have people to talk to who are or were in the same situation as you. The group that I'm in, Rosalynn Carter Group, meets every 2 weeks for an hour. It was and still is really beneficial to sit down for that hour and share what I'm going through to a group who is going through the same thing. Sometimes it’s just listening and acknowledging our struggles so I can move on and sometimes it's offering advice and solutions. I’ve heard other caregiver’s stories which have helped put my emotions into perspective. The giving and receiving from the group has been invaluable, I'm now in a position where I’m able to offer support, which feels great, and even better when I hear that it worked.
Being a caregiver has allowed me to grow as a person in insurmountable ways. I am grateful for every chapter of my life and I know I still have a lot to live. I am a proud military caregiver.
Learn more
Elizabeth Dole Foundation: https://www.elizabethdolefoundation.org/hidden-heroes.
Hidden Heroes: https://hiddenheroes.org.
Rosalynn Carter Institute for Caregivers: https://www.rosalynncarter.org.
VA Caregiver Support Program: https://www.caregiver.va.gov.
At the beginning of her diagnosis, Kimberly was extremely needy and had limited mobility. Her cognitive ability was very low and caring for her was a 2-3 person job. I was fortunate and had a friend and outside caregivers to help out, but it was very labor intensive. She has improved tremendously but nonetheless, it is still a full time job.
Kimberly’s diagnosis came at the same time I was opening a second location of my business, a salon. My sister went to live with my mother in Texas and I pursued my business. The interim was very calm and allowed my mom and sister to spend a lot of time together. I didn’t have to give up my business at the beginning which is why I don’t feel robbed by the decision of being a full-time caretaker. When my mom got sick, there wasn’t, and still isn’t, anyone else capable of giving her the care she needs. In the event I was not available to take care of my sister, she would have had to be institutionalized. My sister appears to be 100% good to go; it’s upon sitting down with her and having a conversation or asking her to perform a menial task that you understand the depth of what has happened to her. She is brilliant and it’s sometimes difficult to see who she has become, especially for her children. They don't understand that their mom needs a lot of help so they tend to shy away from her because they don't want to see her in that light.
It was extremely difficult to have to shut down my dream while I was living it. At one point, there was a lot of regret. I dealt with the grief of my decision and my dream coming to an end for a year and the emotions were thick. It was hard to go from making a 6 figure income to filing for bankruptcy and qualifying for food stamps. The change in my lifestyle has been the most difficult; I had no worries about money and spending. What changed my life was this decision to become a full time caregiver and although caregiving comes naturally being the oldest of 3, a mom, bartender and hairdresser, it was a tumultuous road. Caring for my sister is not an easy thing, but it’s not the hardest thing I’ve ever done either. It’s like having a child who needs constant reassurance and guidance.
People often recognize the trials and tribulations caregivers endure, which I of course appreciate, but they don’t see the other side. They remember the things I am going through with her but they miss the things that she's going through with me. She is with me 100% of the time which includes: me being depressed, going to bankruptcy court together, crying with me when I lost my business. Kimberly went through everything with me and has to bear that burden that at some level due to an uncontrollable situation, it happened because of her. She had to watch the aftermath of deciding to put my dreams aside while I had to watch MS take over her life. She deserves some credit.
We deal with issues just like any other sibling relationship. My sister has no romantic life, which is important for a person in their 40s and relatively young to have the option to pursue. She does not have the ability but she has the desire for one. Trust is another hurdle we had to jump over. As adults, we’ve been conditioned to learn not to trust other people; especially when it comes to privacy and medical information. When my mom was taking care of her, it was natural to be more open to a parent. We had to develop and build that trust. I had to reassure her that what I'm doing may not be pleasant, but I am doing it with her best interest in mind. I had to prove over and over again in the beginning that I am never leaving her or let her be alone. Gaining that trust took about a year. We spend a lot of time talking where I’m the shoulder to cry on and the counselor. We have the memories and shared experience of growing up together which is a familiarity that you can build on.
Building that trust was showing her that she's my world, she's my life, she's what I do because it is my full time job. This came to light when handling the relationship with the VA. When it comes to the VA and navigating their system, be persistent. The phrase “the squeaky wheel gets heard” is 100% accurate. My label at the VA is “the sister;” when they see me coming they know I am going to advocate for her as hard as I can and will not accept no for an answer. I am relentless and will end up where I need to be even if I have to go to every single office. The caregivers program is quite difficult to get into. I've been working on it for a year and have still not been accepted but if I get turned down again I will continue to apply. When you decide to take on the job of being a full time caretaker, it is your responsibility to protect and advocate for your veteran.
However, you also need to make sure you’re taking care of yourself. It's really important if you're going to be a full time caretaker to have people to talk to who are or were in the same situation as you. The group that I'm in, Rosalynn Carter Group, meets every 2 weeks for an hour. It was and still is really beneficial to sit down for that hour and share what I'm going through to a group who is going through the same thing. Sometimes it’s just listening and acknowledging our struggles so I can move on and sometimes it's offering advice and solutions. I’ve heard other caregiver’s stories which have helped put my emotions into perspective. The giving and receiving from the group has been invaluable, I'm now in a position where I’m able to offer support, which feels great, and even better when I hear that it worked.
Being a caregiver has allowed me to grow as a person in insurmountable ways. I am grateful for every chapter of my life and I know I still have a lot to live. I am a proud military caregiver.
Learn more
Elizabeth Dole Foundation: https://www.elizabethdolefoundation.org/hidden-heroes.
Hidden Heroes: https://hiddenheroes.org.
Rosalynn Carter Institute for Caregivers: https://www.rosalynncarter.org.
VA Caregiver Support Program: https://www.caregiver.va.gov.
Veteran Caregiver
Inspiration
Family
Veterans Affairs (VA)
Caregiver
Posted >1 y ago
Responses: 17
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I did not write this, although it's absolutely true - we understand each other, where we've been, others have been, the upsides and downsides - and they us. We have been there with battle-buddies, for them and they for us. Many say - Christmas is a hard time to be alone.. anytime is a hard time to be alone. We were and are never alone.
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If you have a Combat Veteran in your family and you don’t like their moods and behavior around the holidays; please consider these six things:
1.) Your combat veteran has served in countries where people are blessed to receive a tattered pair of shoes or have clean water to drink; he/she no longer lives the “first world illusion” and no longer cares that if you buy one play station you can get a second one for fifty percent off. In fact, they find it hard to appreciate any of the gluttonous commercialism and overindulgence that permeates American holidays. Standing watch, boring as it was, had so much more purpose than going to the mall.
2.) Your Combat Veteran is thankful for the most basic things; not thankful for mega-sales and million dollar parades. They are thankful to be alive; thankful to have survived both the wars far away and the wars they struggle with inside.
3.) Your Combat Veteran is thankful that it wasn't them that got killed, but their celebrations are forever complicated by guilt and loss over those that were. Some of the most thankful times in their life were some of the scariest. Their feelings of thanks and celebration often conjure memories that are equally painful.
4.) Your Combat Veteran is not like you anymore. At some point, for some period of time, their entire life boiled down to just three simple things: when will I eat today, when will I sleep today, and who will I have to kill or will try to kill me today? They are not like you anymore.
5.) Your Combat Veteran does not need a guilt-trip or a lecture; they already feel detached in their grief while others so easily embrace the joy of the season. They need understanding and space; empathy not sympathy.
6.) Your Combat Veteran does love his/her family and is thankful for the many blessings in their life…and they are thankful for you.
To all my brothers and sisters of the uniform, know that we all struggle with one thing or another but as we go into this holiday season, reach out to those you love. You didn't fight alone on the battlefield and we don't have to fight alone at home.
-Maurice T. Thomas
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If you have a Combat Veteran in your family and you don’t like their moods and behavior around the holidays; please consider these six things:
1.) Your combat veteran has served in countries where people are blessed to receive a tattered pair of shoes or have clean water to drink; he/she no longer lives the “first world illusion” and no longer cares that if you buy one play station you can get a second one for fifty percent off. In fact, they find it hard to appreciate any of the gluttonous commercialism and overindulgence that permeates American holidays. Standing watch, boring as it was, had so much more purpose than going to the mall.
2.) Your Combat Veteran is thankful for the most basic things; not thankful for mega-sales and million dollar parades. They are thankful to be alive; thankful to have survived both the wars far away and the wars they struggle with inside.
3.) Your Combat Veteran is thankful that it wasn't them that got killed, but their celebrations are forever complicated by guilt and loss over those that were. Some of the most thankful times in their life were some of the scariest. Their feelings of thanks and celebration often conjure memories that are equally painful.
4.) Your Combat Veteran is not like you anymore. At some point, for some period of time, their entire life boiled down to just three simple things: when will I eat today, when will I sleep today, and who will I have to kill or will try to kill me today? They are not like you anymore.
5.) Your Combat Veteran does not need a guilt-trip or a lecture; they already feel detached in their grief while others so easily embrace the joy of the season. They need understanding and space; empathy not sympathy.
6.) Your Combat Veteran does love his/her family and is thankful for the many blessings in their life…and they are thankful for you.
To all my brothers and sisters of the uniform, know that we all struggle with one thing or another but as we go into this holiday season, reach out to those you love. You didn't fight alone on the battlefield and we don't have to fight alone at home.
-Maurice T. Thomas
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SGT (Join to see)
SFC James Watters Thank you for posting this. I have saved it & printed it out. I long for the day that I can read it without tears.
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Thank you so much for your service as caregiver to our sister, I was caregiver to my best friend a Army veteran who suffered a stroke, I too am a veteran and could not see him in a nursing home so I opened my home to him and spent everyday as his caregiver. It is demanding and does call for self sacrifice, but in the end it was one of the most gratifying experiences I have ever had. Accolades to you, and again thank you for your service.
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You are an amazing and exceptional individual! Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for being an awesome sister! Blessings to you both as you move forward in life! All the best! Alice
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You are am amazing young lady! Your sister is so blessed to have you in her life. The bonds of siblings are strong! Bless you both as you move forward in life!
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God bless you for everything you have done, are doing and are learning to do even more.
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My spouse is Nadelle and she is 100% disabled veteran and 100% SSI. I am her 24/7 caregiver and I was wondering how could I become her military caregiver?
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