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Your buddy calls you late at night, wanting to hang out because he or she doesn’t want to be alone. While talking they make a few comments that stand out to you: I mess everything up; I’m worthless; people would be better off if I wasn’t around anymore. You ask them if they’re having thoughts about suicide, and they so “no” or they refuse to answer. They might not be saying they want to kill themselves, but they are very clearly distressed and you’re worried. What do you say? What do you do?
Most of us have participated in some sort of suicide prevention training. For those of us who have served in the military, we’ve participated in many, many such trainings, most of which emphasize the importance of being alert to suicidal thoughts in others, and encourage us to directly ask about these thoughts. This focus on suicidal thoughts makes sense: research has repeatedly shows that thinking about suicide is a very strong predictor of later suicidal behavior. Consistent with this line of research, the DOD has rolled out standardized screening tools that ask about suicidal thoughts and behaviors.
What suicide prevention trainings often leave out, however, is that the majority of individuals who die by suicide do not talk about suicide, and in some cases deny or conceal their suicidal thoughts, before they die. In fact, more than half of those who die by suicide fall in this group. Our own research showed that less than 5% of military personnel who died by suicide explicitly talked about suicide or death on their social media profiles during the year leading up to their deaths. The infrequency with which service members talk about suicide even when thinking about it is probably due in part to the fact that service members are much more likely to conceal their suicidal thoughts when their identity can be known.
Asking about suicidal thoughts is important, but it’s not enough. We need to be alert to other signs of severe distress and elevated suicide risk, even when someone isn’t talking about suicide. Newer research has shown that military personnel who attempt suicide often have very negative perceptions of themselves that can be identified in the statements they make. These statements indicate elevated suicide risk even though they do not include explicit mention of death or suicide. For example:
• “I can never be forgiven.”
• “I mess everything up.”
• “I can’t take this any longer.”
• “No one can help me solve my problems.”
• “I deserve to be punished.”
• “People would be better off without me.”
These statements and perceptions have been shown to predict later suicidal behavior better than explicit thoughts about suicide. In that sense, these statements can be described as the “coded language of suicide.” It is during these times that you can have the largest impact in a person’s life. Because they reached out to you, you already know you are trusted. So what should you do? Below we provide some tips on how to help someone in need.
If you hear someone using the coded language of suicide, it’s time to act, even if they deny suicidal thoughts. We need to stop waiting until someone is comfortable enough to disclose his or her suicidal thoughts to intervene; by then, it could be too late.
Do:
• Invite them to tell the story of how they got to this point
o Listen – they are trusting you with their personal thoughts
o Be present — giving one’s full, undivided attention to the person is important.
o Be open-minded — showing a willingness to see things from their perspective.
o Be neutral — putting aside one’s own views and remaining non-judgmental.
o Be aware — paying attention to both the other person’s words (verbal cues) and his/her unspoken signals (non-verbal cues).
• Help them to develop a concrete plan of action to help themselves keep control
o Ask about their reasons for living (they reached out for a reason)
o Plan meaningful activities to do together
o Help them get connected with appropriate resources ( https://rly.pt/Utah )
• Offer temporary solutions to store or secure firearms until they are no longer feeling this way
(One suggestion could be as simple as a trigger lock or a lock for a pelican case and offer to hold the key temporarily)
Don't:
• Interrupt them to tell them about the time something similar happened to you; hear them out.
• Shame or guilt-trip the veteran; they may already be feeling a lot of shame and guilt
• Say that suicide is “cowardly” or “selfish”
• Make assumptions
• Try to fix them
• Fail to pay attention to the “coded language” of suicide
• Go it alone: provide support and help them find the appropriate resources ( STRIVE2Be.org )
• Don’t wait to hear the word suicide, by then it might be too late.
*To learn more about the National Center of Veterans Studies programs visit: https://rly.pt/Utah
Most of us have participated in some sort of suicide prevention training. For those of us who have served in the military, we’ve participated in many, many such trainings, most of which emphasize the importance of being alert to suicidal thoughts in others, and encourage us to directly ask about these thoughts. This focus on suicidal thoughts makes sense: research has repeatedly shows that thinking about suicide is a very strong predictor of later suicidal behavior. Consistent with this line of research, the DOD has rolled out standardized screening tools that ask about suicidal thoughts and behaviors.
What suicide prevention trainings often leave out, however, is that the majority of individuals who die by suicide do not talk about suicide, and in some cases deny or conceal their suicidal thoughts, before they die. In fact, more than half of those who die by suicide fall in this group. Our own research showed that less than 5% of military personnel who died by suicide explicitly talked about suicide or death on their social media profiles during the year leading up to their deaths. The infrequency with which service members talk about suicide even when thinking about it is probably due in part to the fact that service members are much more likely to conceal their suicidal thoughts when their identity can be known.
Asking about suicidal thoughts is important, but it’s not enough. We need to be alert to other signs of severe distress and elevated suicide risk, even when someone isn’t talking about suicide. Newer research has shown that military personnel who attempt suicide often have very negative perceptions of themselves that can be identified in the statements they make. These statements indicate elevated suicide risk even though they do not include explicit mention of death or suicide. For example:
• “I can never be forgiven.”
• “I mess everything up.”
• “I can’t take this any longer.”
• “No one can help me solve my problems.”
• “I deserve to be punished.”
• “People would be better off without me.”
These statements and perceptions have been shown to predict later suicidal behavior better than explicit thoughts about suicide. In that sense, these statements can be described as the “coded language of suicide.” It is during these times that you can have the largest impact in a person’s life. Because they reached out to you, you already know you are trusted. So what should you do? Below we provide some tips on how to help someone in need.
If you hear someone using the coded language of suicide, it’s time to act, even if they deny suicidal thoughts. We need to stop waiting until someone is comfortable enough to disclose his or her suicidal thoughts to intervene; by then, it could be too late.
Do:
• Invite them to tell the story of how they got to this point
o Listen – they are trusting you with their personal thoughts
o Be present — giving one’s full, undivided attention to the person is important.
o Be open-minded — showing a willingness to see things from their perspective.
o Be neutral — putting aside one’s own views and remaining non-judgmental.
o Be aware — paying attention to both the other person’s words (verbal cues) and his/her unspoken signals (non-verbal cues).
• Help them to develop a concrete plan of action to help themselves keep control
o Ask about their reasons for living (they reached out for a reason)
o Plan meaningful activities to do together
o Help them get connected with appropriate resources ( https://rly.pt/Utah )
• Offer temporary solutions to store or secure firearms until they are no longer feeling this way
(One suggestion could be as simple as a trigger lock or a lock for a pelican case and offer to hold the key temporarily)
Don't:
• Interrupt them to tell them about the time something similar happened to you; hear them out.
• Shame or guilt-trip the veteran; they may already be feeling a lot of shame and guilt
• Say that suicide is “cowardly” or “selfish”
• Make assumptions
• Try to fix them
• Fail to pay attention to the “coded language” of suicide
• Go it alone: provide support and help them find the appropriate resources ( STRIVE2Be.org )
• Don’t wait to hear the word suicide, by then it might be too late.
*To learn more about the National Center of Veterans Studies programs visit: https://rly.pt/Utah
PTSD
University of Utah
Mental Health
Suicide
Edited >1 y ago
Posted >1 y ago
Responses: 33
0
0
0
This is going to sound glib and dismissive, but here goes... For as long as man has walked this planet, he has taken his own life. For as long as man has walked this planet, his fellow man has been unable to stop another from taking his own life. For as long as man has walked this planet, man has never been responsible for another taking his own life (I realize there are exceptions regarding assistance, and/or encouragement). For as long as man has walked this planet, man has never been able to understand why another took his own life. For as long as man has been taking his own life, suicide has always been a permanent solution to a temporary problem. For as long as man has walked this planet, suicide IS the single most selfish act that man has ever committed. Despite the horror figures you are being fed, the suicide rates among Veterans is generally the same as our civilian population, but lower when adjusted for age and gender.
During my 24-year career, we were required to attend suicide awareness training, and every Officer, at every level of leadership, was required to have an inspectable "Suicide Prevention" file in his desk drawer. Woe be unto the leader of a Soldier who took his own life! The Army's approach was to require a folder, and to direct leaders to be aware of, and to prevent an act that has been unsolvable and unpreventable as long as man has walked this planet.
If you are harboring guilt or regret regarding a suicide, stop.
During my 24-year career, we were required to attend suicide awareness training, and every Officer, at every level of leadership, was required to have an inspectable "Suicide Prevention" file in his desk drawer. Woe be unto the leader of a Soldier who took his own life! The Army's approach was to require a folder, and to direct leaders to be aware of, and to prevent an act that has been unsolvable and unpreventable as long as man has walked this planet.
If you are harboring guilt or regret regarding a suicide, stop.
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How did I get to this point?
This point of sadness, depression, failure, the realization of no hope for the future, wishing to die in my sleep every night because all I want to do is make a honest living and despite all the claims about jobs ( I'm cleaning homes for a living as a 40 year old veteran working with an unknown physical condition and being judged everyday, cleaning in pain because I can no longer do construction), landing in an abusive relationship with a woman who cracks jokes about PTSD and has zero empathy and whos father was a Vietnam veteran who committed suicide or possibly murdered....after many years of struggling alone, so I figured I was almost 30 and it was time to settle down some....so I took on the responsibility of meeting a woman with 4 daughters and I was fooled. I had my one and only daughter at age 30, after serving my country, returning home and earning a degree with an A average to be a respiratory therapist well mastering a trade in construction at the same time. That's just a scouts work ethic and mentality.....unfortunately due to corruption when returning home, due to those who took advantage of a nation at war, I never stood a chance and was never able to use my degree to help others breathe.....NO GOOD DEEDS GO UNPUNISHED.
I'm 40 now and I look at men much older than me, in much better shape....who haven't ran a small percentage of the miles I have ran and there aren't many humans who have done more push ups than me, unfortunately I had to stop running and working out now at a young age or I just deal with inflammation and pain with an unknown condition or I will be stiff in bed for days with no help or assistance from the country I served....as a matter of fact I have not spoken to a single person I served with since leaving the Army in 2003.
I did a peacekeeping mission in Bosnia in 2000, I re-enlisted after 9/11 and I was sent to Germany to prepare to deploy as a young sergeant.....Well preparing for war I got sick with a hepatitis infection and I did not eat or sleep for a month and I got myself 100% healthy and maxed my physical fitness test after regaining my health, as I always did. I used marijuana, as a young soldier sick preparing for war in a foreign land, and I became an instant believer.....I was suppose to be at war, we were suppose to be the first one's to deploy and we were even informed that we were going on a "suicide mission", because we were going to invade Iraq from Turkey.....but at the last minute our orders were cancelled and the commander popped a pee test, I was suppose to be at war.....but with no questions asked I was popped with an Anthrax vaccine when I just got myself healthy from a serious liver virus infection, with no questions asked, our platoon was just told "don't dare be the one to refuse"......I believe it was given to me and stocked from the 90's, some might not agree but I'd rather it had been a bullet.....I was shot in high school and watched a good friend of mine die next to me, who I knew since the 2nd grade....We were locked in the back of a truck with a camper shell leaving a high school party to get some Taco Bell when an Illegal emptied clips and followed us for miles to the emergency room because someone upfront might have flipped him off. This was the first time this good kid ever went out to a high school party, the good die young.
I went on to serve my country, another friend of mine was awarded a couple million for having a bullet in his leg and they put it all into their family business.
So after our orders were cancelled and I was hot for marijuana, I wrote the Post Commander....My entire chain of command was supportive of me, my platoon sergeant was disappointed because he had planned on sending me to the E-6 board soon because of how I wore the uniform every single day I served. My 1SG loved me and personally drove me around in his truck to do things after I was busted and completely understood. I received a Honorable Discharge for my 1st enlistment and I was guaranteed the G.I.Bill I paid in to. I left the Army with a general discharge under HONORABLE conditions and well clearing post I was signed off and guaranteed my college money again.
I returned home and earned a degree to be a respiratory therapist with no help from the Army, my G.I. Bill was robbed and taken from me.
I returned home to Phoenix, Az which without a doubt was the most corrupt place in the country, ruled by an evil man Sheriff Joe who was later pardoned for his crimes by President Trump. This man took complete advantage of a nation at war and I returned to a place no veteran should ever return home to.
The first 5 years you return home is a "danger zone" for veterans adapting to a new undisciplined world....when a buddy tells you he'll be at the restaurant in 5 minutes and shows 40 minutes later, we're just not used to that. I almost had my head blown off by police just grabbing dinner late one evening and I was told I touched a white line turning out of my apartment complex onto a dark road. I had less than half a gram of marijuana and once you're in the system that's it. Within my first couple years home I went to school M-F 8am-noon (up until 2am every night studying for tests and homework) and then I was off to the construction site 7 days a week mastering a trade, so I was driving many miles daily and within my first couple years I was Illegally profiled and stopped several times for looking Hispanic, as a veteran with a Swedish father and Mexican mother....and as a veteran it hurt to take this abuse and corruption and unable to do a thing about it. This sheriff continued to serve until 2016 when he was finally defeated and if you watch the news, we're still recovering from the abuse which was not much different from the way the Jews were treated in WWII, many don't realize what went on here and I just may write a book, if I find the energy, history repeated itself in Phoenix, Arizona. The sheriff made his own tent city in the 115 degree desert with pink underwear and chain gangs with conditions so bad, if you were caught with pot or something petty you could die, you're now a criminal.
"If a law is unjust, a man is not only RIGHT to disobey it, he is obligated to do so" - Thomas Jefferson
I was just a little ahead of my time and I'v always hated alcohol and I've always refused to take pills. I may still be here because I've always refused all of their pills and I'm a believer in what's natural, not the science that poisoned me.
At the young age of 27 I was waking up stiff everyday. Now when your at the top of the mountain at age 23 doing about 120 pushups in 120 seconds, the vaccine don't break you down right away....Years later when your eating the healthiest in your life and running religiously and you're just like WTF because your muscles are being eaten away and your moving backwards.....then you know, you just know. None know their bodies better than soldiers and professional athletes and they even do not train like scouts.
I know all the days I froze from 6am-2am from Fort Knox, Kentucky, Fort Carson, Colorado, Bosnia, Germany and all the training I did in several different states from California, Texas, Louisiana.....and then to just rob me of my G.I.Bill.
I'm not perfect, I've made mistakes which weren't mistakes for my own health and quality of life....but I'm nothing any man has labeled me as.
My reason for living is my daughter only. My daughter and because I'm a Christian are why I'm here and my reason for living.....but I no longer build my riches in an evil world where everything is taken, I try daily to build my riches in heaven and I pray I'm worthy enough. I guess I was made to suffer, say what you want, but if many others walked in my shoes they would not be here today....many have left for much less and with much more, as we have even seen some rich take their lives.
It's nice that many truly care, but deep down we know many want us GONE.
For 20 straight months now I have driven in a damaged vehicle with no air and no window, like I'm in the Army, through the hot Phoenix desert....All because I called 911 for assistance after I was blind sided by an SUV full of intoxicated people on the highway. The SUV blind sided me, not seeing me and turning into my lane on a packed highway at Christmas time. This vehicle slowed way down and got a dozen cars behind me to blend in and hide, I finally got them to pull over and I called 911 for assistance. The driver admitted fault and put on a show that his wife was concerned for my safety. Two weeks later the police report says I'm at fault and this guy screwed a veteran for a free check. What if my daughter was in that front seat? Driving Bradley's without being able to see and driving big trucks through the narrow, pot hole mountains of Bosnia is how I maintained control of my vehicle and did not hit another vehicle on the highway after being sucker puched by a vehicle. I've lost many employment opportunities due to this. Try taking your 4th grade daughter to school looking like you just drove off a movie set, not fair to her, not cool at all. I've slept with that stress every night since and no damage has been repaired. It's pretty embarrassing as a veteran driving up to clean a home looking like this and at every red light, as a veteran I can take the humiliation.
I turned 40 last month. At 27 years old, after being out of the military a few years, I had to make a decision....I was waking up stiff everyday, I can't keep lifting this heavy saw everyday. I had to sell thousands of dollars in tools to a friend because I knew I couldn't go on that way....I would've easily been making 6 figures a year working on the nicest homes in the valley. Due to my Army work ethic, I went from working with friends who were doing the trade since high school, to doing my own custom jobs on million dollar homes well they were still working on little track homes.
I was right to call it quits because several years later I stopped running. I got skinny, I lost all my muscle, my body was under attack from an unknown autoimmune condition. I remember trying to cross the road one day hurting, this wasn't normal for someone who runs miles.
A few years ago I told a homebuilder I would do the stone flooring. I barely made it through the job, I had really skinny chicken legs when done. I went to the VA the ENTIRE year with no answers and no diagnosis. If you told me I had cancer today, that would be good news to just have an answer.
I'm tired of the lies and were suppose to be men of Integrity. People can judge how they want, tell me it's in my head and play those dirty games. My body tells me everyday. I've learned to manage, I've learned to accept but yes the anger is there, which I must manage and stay cool due to my unknown condition.
Some veterans have had to resort to things like selling weed because were not wanted many places and we do what we have to do to survive as soldiers.....but as a man of faith I do so according to God's laws knowing nobody is being harmed and not according to man's unjust laws of slavery and corruption.
Today I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to come up with an extra $300 in 48 hours just to pay rent late, then I'm going to figure out how to make some extra money just to get my daughter ready for 5th grade with some nice shoes and clothes......because I have jobs cancel EVERY week because I'm a man cleaning homes and I do it all for my daughter no matter the humiliation, I do it crawling around bathroom floors all alone. Nobody has a right to judge or it doesn't matter to me, I've made my bed and I lay in it everyday. I'm far from perfect but the Army made me a great man despite all that has been take. I'll take some fault but I never deserved this, Capitalism should never treat a veteran this way. I don't think any grown man would show up to a birthday party with 20 kids and take the whole cake but somehow we believe that's OK in a free market, we weren't like that in the military.
I've actually just been waiting for a heart attack because my stress is far higher than most would ever experience and it's a very sad situation when you live for your daughter. I cry myself to sleep knowing she deserves more and she deserves better, my eyes filled up just writing it. As a Christian I have to hang on until God says it's OK to come home now. At war your with your men, being isolated alone in your own prison Alone for 15 years afraid to leave your home, takes it toll. For a decade I looked out my apartment window and saw nothing but police EVERYDAY because I chose to manage my health and condition naturally with no drugs or medication and everything has been taken from me forcing me to live in poverty. My mind and ethic could've been used to do great things but I'm just wasting away and I may never see justice in the land of the free, but I will fight for as long as possible for my little girl.
I'll try getting back in the gym but I already know it does more harm than good and I have to battle with nutrition....but as a poor veteran your forced to just eat what you can and now that has become 1 or 2 meals a day in America.
As a scout who trained with every weapon in the Army, I have not touched a weapon since returning home. I know I can't live by the gun or have one around. My faith is strong but I'm no longer getting stronger everyday, the fatigue set in long ago and my future is uncertain. I feel like an experiment. What's my quality of life going to be like in 10 years in my 50's? Do I have another 20 years? Will I make it to 70? I once thought I'd live to 120. I at least have to make it to see my daughter get married one day, don't I?
I don't think I can be fixed. This is my new life and I have accepted it and I'll go until my last heartbeat for my daughter.
Talking doesn't solve problems these days. Many of us have been left behind and that's just the way it is.
This is a small portion of my story. We're all veterans and all different but know when judging me I have kept my faith everyday and I have kept my Army values everyday I've been home regardless of what's been said or written.
I was robbed of my G.I. Bill, I've been left undiagnosed to labor in pain like John from the Bible, I was almost shot and killed for touching a white line, again a year later cop pulls up behind me at a red light and just turns on his lights for no reason all because I missed my turn to a jobsite on a Sunday afternoon and he pretended not to see my temporary registration which could be read 30 yards away and then claimed to smell marijuana when I had nothing. My vehicle had it's tire slashed and the police took it as an opportunity to harass me because I had to go outside and start my vehicle everyday until I got new tires because I didn't want it happening again, then they let intoxicated people drive off after slamming into me on the highway and then claiming it was my fault and stabbing me in the back.....I continue to drive that way until this day.
I'm trying again this week to find a job out of hard labor to give me hope. I saw an add for $21 a hour job at a call center and I'm calling tomorrow, that's what my life has came to. Say a prayer for me, I'm down but not out. They've continued relentlessly to beat me well I'm down but I'm going to get back up and leave my daughter something before the stories over.
Much more injustices to write about but nobody wants to hear me rant longer.
Anyways, that's how the bad guy got here and because of people like me changes are happening all over the country and some of us have had to endure the suffering for those changes to happen....so that others could have the freedoms that weren't available during my time. Coming home in 2003/2004 was not the same as coming home in 2019. For those of us not at war, weren't treated so good and law enforcement had the green light to do as they pleased well the nation was at war.....and that's how some of us got to this point.....I'm not a criminal, I've never harmed anyone, only try to help, I've never carried a weapon. I'm a veteran and an American but for some reason I've never felt like either, the hate is strong in this country but good will always come out on top.
Yes as a scout the #1 job I was trained for when I came home was a police officer and that's pretty much what we were in Bosnia peacekeeping for their elections. I'm just not the type of man to put a gun to my brothers head over a joint, I'd like to think I'm better than that and those days are coming to an end.
God Bless
This point of sadness, depression, failure, the realization of no hope for the future, wishing to die in my sleep every night because all I want to do is make a honest living and despite all the claims about jobs ( I'm cleaning homes for a living as a 40 year old veteran working with an unknown physical condition and being judged everyday, cleaning in pain because I can no longer do construction), landing in an abusive relationship with a woman who cracks jokes about PTSD and has zero empathy and whos father was a Vietnam veteran who committed suicide or possibly murdered....after many years of struggling alone, so I figured I was almost 30 and it was time to settle down some....so I took on the responsibility of meeting a woman with 4 daughters and I was fooled. I had my one and only daughter at age 30, after serving my country, returning home and earning a degree with an A average to be a respiratory therapist well mastering a trade in construction at the same time. That's just a scouts work ethic and mentality.....unfortunately due to corruption when returning home, due to those who took advantage of a nation at war, I never stood a chance and was never able to use my degree to help others breathe.....NO GOOD DEEDS GO UNPUNISHED.
I'm 40 now and I look at men much older than me, in much better shape....who haven't ran a small percentage of the miles I have ran and there aren't many humans who have done more push ups than me, unfortunately I had to stop running and working out now at a young age or I just deal with inflammation and pain with an unknown condition or I will be stiff in bed for days with no help or assistance from the country I served....as a matter of fact I have not spoken to a single person I served with since leaving the Army in 2003.
I did a peacekeeping mission in Bosnia in 2000, I re-enlisted after 9/11 and I was sent to Germany to prepare to deploy as a young sergeant.....Well preparing for war I got sick with a hepatitis infection and I did not eat or sleep for a month and I got myself 100% healthy and maxed my physical fitness test after regaining my health, as I always did. I used marijuana, as a young soldier sick preparing for war in a foreign land, and I became an instant believer.....I was suppose to be at war, we were suppose to be the first one's to deploy and we were even informed that we were going on a "suicide mission", because we were going to invade Iraq from Turkey.....but at the last minute our orders were cancelled and the commander popped a pee test, I was suppose to be at war.....but with no questions asked I was popped with an Anthrax vaccine when I just got myself healthy from a serious liver virus infection, with no questions asked, our platoon was just told "don't dare be the one to refuse"......I believe it was given to me and stocked from the 90's, some might not agree but I'd rather it had been a bullet.....I was shot in high school and watched a good friend of mine die next to me, who I knew since the 2nd grade....We were locked in the back of a truck with a camper shell leaving a high school party to get some Taco Bell when an Illegal emptied clips and followed us for miles to the emergency room because someone upfront might have flipped him off. This was the first time this good kid ever went out to a high school party, the good die young.
I went on to serve my country, another friend of mine was awarded a couple million for having a bullet in his leg and they put it all into their family business.
So after our orders were cancelled and I was hot for marijuana, I wrote the Post Commander....My entire chain of command was supportive of me, my platoon sergeant was disappointed because he had planned on sending me to the E-6 board soon because of how I wore the uniform every single day I served. My 1SG loved me and personally drove me around in his truck to do things after I was busted and completely understood. I received a Honorable Discharge for my 1st enlistment and I was guaranteed the G.I.Bill I paid in to. I left the Army with a general discharge under HONORABLE conditions and well clearing post I was signed off and guaranteed my college money again.
I returned home and earned a degree to be a respiratory therapist with no help from the Army, my G.I. Bill was robbed and taken from me.
I returned home to Phoenix, Az which without a doubt was the most corrupt place in the country, ruled by an evil man Sheriff Joe who was later pardoned for his crimes by President Trump. This man took complete advantage of a nation at war and I returned to a place no veteran should ever return home to.
The first 5 years you return home is a "danger zone" for veterans adapting to a new undisciplined world....when a buddy tells you he'll be at the restaurant in 5 minutes and shows 40 minutes later, we're just not used to that. I almost had my head blown off by police just grabbing dinner late one evening and I was told I touched a white line turning out of my apartment complex onto a dark road. I had less than half a gram of marijuana and once you're in the system that's it. Within my first couple years home I went to school M-F 8am-noon (up until 2am every night studying for tests and homework) and then I was off to the construction site 7 days a week mastering a trade, so I was driving many miles daily and within my first couple years I was Illegally profiled and stopped several times for looking Hispanic, as a veteran with a Swedish father and Mexican mother....and as a veteran it hurt to take this abuse and corruption and unable to do a thing about it. This sheriff continued to serve until 2016 when he was finally defeated and if you watch the news, we're still recovering from the abuse which was not much different from the way the Jews were treated in WWII, many don't realize what went on here and I just may write a book, if I find the energy, history repeated itself in Phoenix, Arizona. The sheriff made his own tent city in the 115 degree desert with pink underwear and chain gangs with conditions so bad, if you were caught with pot or something petty you could die, you're now a criminal.
"If a law is unjust, a man is not only RIGHT to disobey it, he is obligated to do so" - Thomas Jefferson
I was just a little ahead of my time and I'v always hated alcohol and I've always refused to take pills. I may still be here because I've always refused all of their pills and I'm a believer in what's natural, not the science that poisoned me.
At the young age of 27 I was waking up stiff everyday. Now when your at the top of the mountain at age 23 doing about 120 pushups in 120 seconds, the vaccine don't break you down right away....Years later when your eating the healthiest in your life and running religiously and you're just like WTF because your muscles are being eaten away and your moving backwards.....then you know, you just know. None know their bodies better than soldiers and professional athletes and they even do not train like scouts.
I know all the days I froze from 6am-2am from Fort Knox, Kentucky, Fort Carson, Colorado, Bosnia, Germany and all the training I did in several different states from California, Texas, Louisiana.....and then to just rob me of my G.I.Bill.
I'm not perfect, I've made mistakes which weren't mistakes for my own health and quality of life....but I'm nothing any man has labeled me as.
My reason for living is my daughter only. My daughter and because I'm a Christian are why I'm here and my reason for living.....but I no longer build my riches in an evil world where everything is taken, I try daily to build my riches in heaven and I pray I'm worthy enough. I guess I was made to suffer, say what you want, but if many others walked in my shoes they would not be here today....many have left for much less and with much more, as we have even seen some rich take their lives.
It's nice that many truly care, but deep down we know many want us GONE.
For 20 straight months now I have driven in a damaged vehicle with no air and no window, like I'm in the Army, through the hot Phoenix desert....All because I called 911 for assistance after I was blind sided by an SUV full of intoxicated people on the highway. The SUV blind sided me, not seeing me and turning into my lane on a packed highway at Christmas time. This vehicle slowed way down and got a dozen cars behind me to blend in and hide, I finally got them to pull over and I called 911 for assistance. The driver admitted fault and put on a show that his wife was concerned for my safety. Two weeks later the police report says I'm at fault and this guy screwed a veteran for a free check. What if my daughter was in that front seat? Driving Bradley's without being able to see and driving big trucks through the narrow, pot hole mountains of Bosnia is how I maintained control of my vehicle and did not hit another vehicle on the highway after being sucker puched by a vehicle. I've lost many employment opportunities due to this. Try taking your 4th grade daughter to school looking like you just drove off a movie set, not fair to her, not cool at all. I've slept with that stress every night since and no damage has been repaired. It's pretty embarrassing as a veteran driving up to clean a home looking like this and at every red light, as a veteran I can take the humiliation.
I turned 40 last month. At 27 years old, after being out of the military a few years, I had to make a decision....I was waking up stiff everyday, I can't keep lifting this heavy saw everyday. I had to sell thousands of dollars in tools to a friend because I knew I couldn't go on that way....I would've easily been making 6 figures a year working on the nicest homes in the valley. Due to my Army work ethic, I went from working with friends who were doing the trade since high school, to doing my own custom jobs on million dollar homes well they were still working on little track homes.
I was right to call it quits because several years later I stopped running. I got skinny, I lost all my muscle, my body was under attack from an unknown autoimmune condition. I remember trying to cross the road one day hurting, this wasn't normal for someone who runs miles.
A few years ago I told a homebuilder I would do the stone flooring. I barely made it through the job, I had really skinny chicken legs when done. I went to the VA the ENTIRE year with no answers and no diagnosis. If you told me I had cancer today, that would be good news to just have an answer.
I'm tired of the lies and were suppose to be men of Integrity. People can judge how they want, tell me it's in my head and play those dirty games. My body tells me everyday. I've learned to manage, I've learned to accept but yes the anger is there, which I must manage and stay cool due to my unknown condition.
Some veterans have had to resort to things like selling weed because were not wanted many places and we do what we have to do to survive as soldiers.....but as a man of faith I do so according to God's laws knowing nobody is being harmed and not according to man's unjust laws of slavery and corruption.
Today I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to come up with an extra $300 in 48 hours just to pay rent late, then I'm going to figure out how to make some extra money just to get my daughter ready for 5th grade with some nice shoes and clothes......because I have jobs cancel EVERY week because I'm a man cleaning homes and I do it all for my daughter no matter the humiliation, I do it crawling around bathroom floors all alone. Nobody has a right to judge or it doesn't matter to me, I've made my bed and I lay in it everyday. I'm far from perfect but the Army made me a great man despite all that has been take. I'll take some fault but I never deserved this, Capitalism should never treat a veteran this way. I don't think any grown man would show up to a birthday party with 20 kids and take the whole cake but somehow we believe that's OK in a free market, we weren't like that in the military.
I've actually just been waiting for a heart attack because my stress is far higher than most would ever experience and it's a very sad situation when you live for your daughter. I cry myself to sleep knowing she deserves more and she deserves better, my eyes filled up just writing it. As a Christian I have to hang on until God says it's OK to come home now. At war your with your men, being isolated alone in your own prison Alone for 15 years afraid to leave your home, takes it toll. For a decade I looked out my apartment window and saw nothing but police EVERYDAY because I chose to manage my health and condition naturally with no drugs or medication and everything has been taken from me forcing me to live in poverty. My mind and ethic could've been used to do great things but I'm just wasting away and I may never see justice in the land of the free, but I will fight for as long as possible for my little girl.
I'll try getting back in the gym but I already know it does more harm than good and I have to battle with nutrition....but as a poor veteran your forced to just eat what you can and now that has become 1 or 2 meals a day in America.
As a scout who trained with every weapon in the Army, I have not touched a weapon since returning home. I know I can't live by the gun or have one around. My faith is strong but I'm no longer getting stronger everyday, the fatigue set in long ago and my future is uncertain. I feel like an experiment. What's my quality of life going to be like in 10 years in my 50's? Do I have another 20 years? Will I make it to 70? I once thought I'd live to 120. I at least have to make it to see my daughter get married one day, don't I?
I don't think I can be fixed. This is my new life and I have accepted it and I'll go until my last heartbeat for my daughter.
Talking doesn't solve problems these days. Many of us have been left behind and that's just the way it is.
This is a small portion of my story. We're all veterans and all different but know when judging me I have kept my faith everyday and I have kept my Army values everyday I've been home regardless of what's been said or written.
I was robbed of my G.I. Bill, I've been left undiagnosed to labor in pain like John from the Bible, I was almost shot and killed for touching a white line, again a year later cop pulls up behind me at a red light and just turns on his lights for no reason all because I missed my turn to a jobsite on a Sunday afternoon and he pretended not to see my temporary registration which could be read 30 yards away and then claimed to smell marijuana when I had nothing. My vehicle had it's tire slashed and the police took it as an opportunity to harass me because I had to go outside and start my vehicle everyday until I got new tires because I didn't want it happening again, then they let intoxicated people drive off after slamming into me on the highway and then claiming it was my fault and stabbing me in the back.....I continue to drive that way until this day.
I'm trying again this week to find a job out of hard labor to give me hope. I saw an add for $21 a hour job at a call center and I'm calling tomorrow, that's what my life has came to. Say a prayer for me, I'm down but not out. They've continued relentlessly to beat me well I'm down but I'm going to get back up and leave my daughter something before the stories over.
Much more injustices to write about but nobody wants to hear me rant longer.
Anyways, that's how the bad guy got here and because of people like me changes are happening all over the country and some of us have had to endure the suffering for those changes to happen....so that others could have the freedoms that weren't available during my time. Coming home in 2003/2004 was not the same as coming home in 2019. For those of us not at war, weren't treated so good and law enforcement had the green light to do as they pleased well the nation was at war.....and that's how some of us got to this point.....I'm not a criminal, I've never harmed anyone, only try to help, I've never carried a weapon. I'm a veteran and an American but for some reason I've never felt like either, the hate is strong in this country but good will always come out on top.
Yes as a scout the #1 job I was trained for when I came home was a police officer and that's pretty much what we were in Bosnia peacekeeping for their elections. I'm just not the type of man to put a gun to my brothers head over a joint, I'd like to think I'm better than that and those days are coming to an end.
God Bless
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TSgt AnnaBelle Bryan
I hear what your saying and I am saddened to hear you’ve been through all that, and not just during missions, but also after serving.
I am glad you have your daughter and a spiritual man. Our kiddos (even if they are 30) can bring such a positive light into our lives.
On a side note: I recall those amazingly hot days in Arizona. Arizona was my very first duty station (just outside of Gilbert) as a young airman in my early 20’s. I think one of my favorite Arizona heat quotes came from a t-shirt with skeletons that said “but it’s a dry heat” I definitely quoted it when I was in Iraq.
If you ever feel like reaching out, go to STRIVE2Be.org or shoot us an email [login to see]
If you don’t want to that is okay as well and just thank you for sharing your story so others recognize they aren’t alone and they can reach out to us as well.
AB
I am glad you have your daughter and a spiritual man. Our kiddos (even if they are 30) can bring such a positive light into our lives.
On a side note: I recall those amazingly hot days in Arizona. Arizona was my very first duty station (just outside of Gilbert) as a young airman in my early 20’s. I think one of my favorite Arizona heat quotes came from a t-shirt with skeletons that said “but it’s a dry heat” I definitely quoted it when I was in Iraq.
If you ever feel like reaching out, go to STRIVE2Be.org or shoot us an email [login to see]
If you don’t want to that is okay as well and just thank you for sharing your story so others recognize they aren’t alone and they can reach out to us as well.
AB
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Nicely written. However, the reality is that people do not act as written above. Far too often I have been on the down side of this written content, only to be made worse on purpose because nobody cares in the town I live in.
The v.a. has failed me, many people do not take time to listen to me..
In the end, I am left feeling worse trying to get help than if I just sit at home and slowly waste away with my poor mental, physical, and dental health. Nobody cares, nobody wants to care, and the ones that claim to care only want promotions, money, or newsprint fame.
This is my experience. I have attempted suicide since the military many times. I have been to prison over it. I have tried to get help enough times that I have learned not to ask anymore because society could give a da**.
Every day I feel worthless, I have guilt over not going to war, I hate myself, I hate the world, I hate the government.... I stand out like a red nuclear blast. And, yet, when I beg for help, all I get is abused.
So, again, I say.. nicely written. BUT, nobody will properly act on this. If they did, I wouldn't have suffered as I have since my tank accident in the Army 19 years ago. For me, death would not be suicide, it would be release from the terrorism known as life.
Please do not let others suffer as I have suffered, because people in the modern day and age we live in don't care about anything but self promotion, monetarily increase, or printed fame.
And before you ask, yes, I do want to die. Death is better than living in abuse and hurting every single day, because people deliberately fail you for profit and political leverage.
The v.a. has failed me, many people do not take time to listen to me..
In the end, I am left feeling worse trying to get help than if I just sit at home and slowly waste away with my poor mental, physical, and dental health. Nobody cares, nobody wants to care, and the ones that claim to care only want promotions, money, or newsprint fame.
This is my experience. I have attempted suicide since the military many times. I have been to prison over it. I have tried to get help enough times that I have learned not to ask anymore because society could give a da**.
Every day I feel worthless, I have guilt over not going to war, I hate myself, I hate the world, I hate the government.... I stand out like a red nuclear blast. And, yet, when I beg for help, all I get is abused.
So, again, I say.. nicely written. BUT, nobody will properly act on this. If they did, I wouldn't have suffered as I have since my tank accident in the Army 19 years ago. For me, death would not be suicide, it would be release from the terrorism known as life.
Please do not let others suffer as I have suffered, because people in the modern day and age we live in don't care about anything but self promotion, monetarily increase, or printed fame.
And before you ask, yes, I do want to die. Death is better than living in abuse and hurting every single day, because people deliberately fail you for profit and political leverage.
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TSgt AnnaBelle Bryan
I am sorry that you have had such bad experiences with treatment and your community. Do you live in a rural or urban area?
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Capt Brandon Charters
PV2 Duane Schlender thanks for sharing your story. I’m thankful for your service & will be here if you ever need someone to talk to. Please reach out... day or night.
SSG Carlos Madden
SSG Carlos Madden
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PV2 Duane Schlender
I am going to respond to both above responses at once.
I live in a town with a dedicated v.a. hospital.
I am not sure I honestly want to reach out anymore. I am that agoraphobic and lost.
I live in a town with a dedicated v.a. hospital.
I am not sure I honestly want to reach out anymore. I am that agoraphobic and lost.
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TSgt AnnaBelle Bryan
[~1324534:PV2 Duane
You are welcome to reach out to us at any of the links provided within the feed or go to STRIVE2Be.org
We are here, we are listening, and we want to help.
You are welcome to reach out to us at any of the links provided within the feed or go to STRIVE2Be.org
We are here, we are listening, and we want to help.
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