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Your buddy calls you late at night, wanting to hang out because he or she doesn’t want to be alone. While talking they make a few comments that stand out to you: I mess everything up; I’m worthless; people would be better off if I wasn’t around anymore. You ask them if they’re having thoughts about suicide, and they so “no” or they refuse to answer. They might not be saying they want to kill themselves, but they are very clearly distressed and you’re worried. What do you say? What do you do?
Most of us have participated in some sort of suicide prevention training. For those of us who have served in the military, we’ve participated in many, many such trainings, most of which emphasize the importance of being alert to suicidal thoughts in others, and encourage us to directly ask about these thoughts. This focus on suicidal thoughts makes sense: research has repeatedly shows that thinking about suicide is a very strong predictor of later suicidal behavior. Consistent with this line of research, the DOD has rolled out standardized screening tools that ask about suicidal thoughts and behaviors.
What suicide prevention trainings often leave out, however, is that the majority of individuals who die by suicide do not talk about suicide, and in some cases deny or conceal their suicidal thoughts, before they die. In fact, more than half of those who die by suicide fall in this group. Our own research showed that less than 5% of military personnel who died by suicide explicitly talked about suicide or death on their social media profiles during the year leading up to their deaths. The infrequency with which service members talk about suicide even when thinking about it is probably due in part to the fact that service members are much more likely to conceal their suicidal thoughts when their identity can be known.
Asking about suicidal thoughts is important, but it’s not enough. We need to be alert to other signs of severe distress and elevated suicide risk, even when someone isn’t talking about suicide. Newer research has shown that military personnel who attempt suicide often have very negative perceptions of themselves that can be identified in the statements they make. These statements indicate elevated suicide risk even though they do not include explicit mention of death or suicide. For example:
• “I can never be forgiven.”
• “I mess everything up.”
• “I can’t take this any longer.”
• “No one can help me solve my problems.”
• “I deserve to be punished.”
• “People would be better off without me.”
These statements and perceptions have been shown to predict later suicidal behavior better than explicit thoughts about suicide. In that sense, these statements can be described as the “coded language of suicide.” It is during these times that you can have the largest impact in a person’s life. Because they reached out to you, you already know you are trusted. So what should you do? Below we provide some tips on how to help someone in need.
If you hear someone using the coded language of suicide, it’s time to act, even if they deny suicidal thoughts. We need to stop waiting until someone is comfortable enough to disclose his or her suicidal thoughts to intervene; by then, it could be too late.
Do:
• Invite them to tell the story of how they got to this point
o Listen – they are trusting you with their personal thoughts
o Be present — giving one’s full, undivided attention to the person is important.
o Be open-minded — showing a willingness to see things from their perspective.
o Be neutral — putting aside one’s own views and remaining non-judgmental.
o Be aware — paying attention to both the other person’s words (verbal cues) and his/her unspoken signals (non-verbal cues).
• Help them to develop a concrete plan of action to help themselves keep control
o Ask about their reasons for living (they reached out for a reason)
o Plan meaningful activities to do together
o Help them get connected with appropriate resources ( https://rly.pt/Utah )
• Offer temporary solutions to store or secure firearms until they are no longer feeling this way
(One suggestion could be as simple as a trigger lock or a lock for a pelican case and offer to hold the key temporarily)
Don't:
• Interrupt them to tell them about the time something similar happened to you; hear them out.
• Shame or guilt-trip the veteran; they may already be feeling a lot of shame and guilt
• Say that suicide is “cowardly” or “selfish”
• Make assumptions
• Try to fix them
• Fail to pay attention to the “coded language” of suicide
• Go it alone: provide support and help them find the appropriate resources ( STRIVE2Be.org )
• Don’t wait to hear the word suicide, by then it might be too late.
*To learn more about the National Center of Veterans Studies programs visit: https://rly.pt/Utah
Most of us have participated in some sort of suicide prevention training. For those of us who have served in the military, we’ve participated in many, many such trainings, most of which emphasize the importance of being alert to suicidal thoughts in others, and encourage us to directly ask about these thoughts. This focus on suicidal thoughts makes sense: research has repeatedly shows that thinking about suicide is a very strong predictor of later suicidal behavior. Consistent with this line of research, the DOD has rolled out standardized screening tools that ask about suicidal thoughts and behaviors.
What suicide prevention trainings often leave out, however, is that the majority of individuals who die by suicide do not talk about suicide, and in some cases deny or conceal their suicidal thoughts, before they die. In fact, more than half of those who die by suicide fall in this group. Our own research showed that less than 5% of military personnel who died by suicide explicitly talked about suicide or death on their social media profiles during the year leading up to their deaths. The infrequency with which service members talk about suicide even when thinking about it is probably due in part to the fact that service members are much more likely to conceal their suicidal thoughts when their identity can be known.
Asking about suicidal thoughts is important, but it’s not enough. We need to be alert to other signs of severe distress and elevated suicide risk, even when someone isn’t talking about suicide. Newer research has shown that military personnel who attempt suicide often have very negative perceptions of themselves that can be identified in the statements they make. These statements indicate elevated suicide risk even though they do not include explicit mention of death or suicide. For example:
• “I can never be forgiven.”
• “I mess everything up.”
• “I can’t take this any longer.”
• “No one can help me solve my problems.”
• “I deserve to be punished.”
• “People would be better off without me.”
These statements and perceptions have been shown to predict later suicidal behavior better than explicit thoughts about suicide. In that sense, these statements can be described as the “coded language of suicide.” It is during these times that you can have the largest impact in a person’s life. Because they reached out to you, you already know you are trusted. So what should you do? Below we provide some tips on how to help someone in need.
If you hear someone using the coded language of suicide, it’s time to act, even if they deny suicidal thoughts. We need to stop waiting until someone is comfortable enough to disclose his or her suicidal thoughts to intervene; by then, it could be too late.
Do:
• Invite them to tell the story of how they got to this point
o Listen – they are trusting you with their personal thoughts
o Be present — giving one’s full, undivided attention to the person is important.
o Be open-minded — showing a willingness to see things from their perspective.
o Be neutral — putting aside one’s own views and remaining non-judgmental.
o Be aware — paying attention to both the other person’s words (verbal cues) and his/her unspoken signals (non-verbal cues).
• Help them to develop a concrete plan of action to help themselves keep control
o Ask about their reasons for living (they reached out for a reason)
o Plan meaningful activities to do together
o Help them get connected with appropriate resources ( https://rly.pt/Utah )
• Offer temporary solutions to store or secure firearms until they are no longer feeling this way
(One suggestion could be as simple as a trigger lock or a lock for a pelican case and offer to hold the key temporarily)
Don't:
• Interrupt them to tell them about the time something similar happened to you; hear them out.
• Shame or guilt-trip the veteran; they may already be feeling a lot of shame and guilt
• Say that suicide is “cowardly” or “selfish”
• Make assumptions
• Try to fix them
• Fail to pay attention to the “coded language” of suicide
• Go it alone: provide support and help them find the appropriate resources ( STRIVE2Be.org )
• Don’t wait to hear the word suicide, by then it might be too late.
*To learn more about the National Center of Veterans Studies programs visit: https://rly.pt/Utah
PTSD
University of Utah
Mental Health
Suicide
Edited >1 y ago
Posted >1 y ago
Responses: 33
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Thank you, we know what we have been through. Being able to be there for someone else just might have been the reason we went through whatever it was. Maybe our words can help another.
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I'm a former Psychologist and Substance Abuse Counselor in both the private sector and in the prison system. I love the information that you posted as its relevent and so important. I really do think that we need to have this information so ingrained in us that its second nature to know the signs of suicide. Many counselors can be uncomfortable working with someone suicidal as people have a tendency to deny to themselves that someone really wants to commit suicide. As a shipmate or comrade, we have to put our thoughts and feelings to the side in order to help a person, even if I have to stay up with that person all night. I remember when I was onboard my ship serving, and we had a suicidal female shipmate come onboard. I was given the task of suicidal prevention with her. I didn't sugar coat things with her, and this experience led me to the field I am now retired from. Needless to say, she transferred off the ship asap as we were on WestPac at the time. I worked with kids that would make attempts, and I can't even imagine why, but instead would do 48 hour plus hospital stays with these kids to help prevent attempts on their lives. Thank you for posting this!
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Very well written. Unfortunately, most folks are not well equipped to properly deal with such situations, Empathy and compassion are very important, but you also have to try and link-up the individual with a proper VA (or private) mental healthcare specialist. I've dealt with such scenarios as a fellow veteran, as a facility administrator, and as a friend. It is emotionally very draining, to say the least, and first and utmost, there is the fear of saying the wrong things. Even after you make all the proper folks aware of what is taking place, you will still lose people and this too is stressful beyond definition. Thank you for the sharing of the above information.
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PO1 M. Chandler
It is very emotionally draining, lifting someone out of that abyss of suicidality. We gotta appreciate what those healthcare providers and our families go through. I know personally I owe them everything.
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TSgt AnnaBelle Bryan I've actually received those phone calls in the middle of the night. It's a heart sinking feeling as you grab your keys and start making the drive to where your friend is thinking about doing something they shouldn't. Having to put them into care is one of the most difficult things you can ever do but sometimes, it's what will save their life. As a National Guardsman, this is even more difficult. I only get to see my troops once a month but I do keep in touch with my leaders throughout the month to see how our folks are doing. I will say though the mandatory safety stand downs are really boring and can seem mundane but I know they do work.
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TSgt AnnaBelle Bryan
Sometimes engaging someone is enough to taking the edge off and there are just times you still have to connect them to a higher echelon of care. If you ever need it for your Guardsmen and women, we do work with the National Guard feel free to reach out anytime (even if it’s just to ask a question) [login to see]
-I am glad you’re there for them CW2 Bodnar! ~AnnaBelle
-I am glad you’re there for them CW2 Bodnar! ~AnnaBelle
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I lost my 14 year old daughter in 2005 to suicide. We had been trying to do family therapy for a while but I didn't see any progress. I knew that she was depressed and was burdened with the pain of a lot of trauma in her early formative years. I was not her biological mother and, despite her love for me, I knew she desperately wanted her mom to be the one who was there for her, standing up for her, standing with her. 09/03/2005 I went upstairs to check on her because I just felt something in my gut. I told my husband (her biological father) to come with me. I was suddenly on high alert but I didn't know why yet. We entered her room which initially looked empty. I went to her stereo to stop the CD that had been skipping without being fixed. We turned to leave her room and we suddenly saw her hanging in her closet. She had apparently been having some really painful issues. Her boyfriend was cheating on her with a girl that she had grown up with in the neighborhood, her biological mother had disappeared again and wasn't returning her calls. She was saying things to her friends like "I'm gonna kill myself" but, according to their telling us after the fact, they would always talk her out of it. But that day she didn't call anyone. Once she had made her decision she didn't want anyone to try to talk her out of it. In fact, I think that she didn't want to deal with people trying to fix her, telling her to look on the bright side, etc.
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Sgt Dale Briggs
Damn , so sorry for that, I wish I had something better to offer but I don’t. My grandsons I worry about too, they’ve been stressed more that any children should. I’m just at a loss, take care.
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SPC Mara Manzer (Spurgin)
Sgt Dale Briggs really what helps me is the opportunity to share her story.
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SSgt Richard Kensinger
I am a clinical psychologist and professor. I have conducted a # of psychosocial autopsies on those who suicide. I describe a "trance" where the person feels deeper hopelessness, helplessness, and worthlessness. The point of no return is increasing despair and desperation.
I wish you and your family some healing from this event,
Rich
I wish you and your family some healing from this event,
Rich
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Really good article. Far too many of us have lost someone close to us to suicide. And with the known statistics of 22-A-Day therr will undoubtedly be more. Knowing the warning signs can be a great help. Keep watching over your brothers and sisters.
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