Massacre As Great White Shark Allowed To Compete In Women's 500 Freestyle

Satire alert! Satire alert!
Dozens of swimmers are dead and thousands of viewers have been traumatized as a Great White Shark named Tia was allowed to compete in the women's 500-yard freestyle event at the Ivy League Swimming & Diving Championships Friday.

"Wow, this brave swimmer is really making a splash here," said one commentator as the starting buzzer went off and the shark immediately thrashed through the pool, eating swimmers screaming for their lives. "Look at that form! It's like she was biologically designed for this kind of thing."

Tia continued to dominate heat after heating, wowing spectators with her speed, form, poise, and ability to maul anyone in the pool.