Airports Forced To Hire Extra Security To Guard Thousands Of Stranded Bags From Sam Brinton

SATIRE ALERT! BABYLON BEE

The Harry Reid International Airport in Las Vegas, NV led the nation in increasing security presence where thousands of bags sat unguarded following mass cancellations for Southwest Airlines. Airport officials have already reported other airports following their lead, citing concerns that the luggage would be stolen by Biden energy official Sam Brinton.
"We have scheduled all our full-time employees and called in all our subcontracted security teams to keep watch on the bags, as a loose Brinton is our highest threat level." said the TSA's Regional Security Director. "Personnel seeing any bald person who vaguely resembles Matt Damon in lipstick should report to their manager immediately, as well as engage the suspect with de-escalating measures, including offering to exchange the stolen bag with an alternative bag of comparable value and stylishness."