'We're Hiring!' Exclusive Interview with Hezbollah's Chief Recruitment Officer

SATIRE ALERT!
Job openings. All positions. Promotions are rapid if you survive.
There has never been a better time to apply for a job in the Hezbollah organization, as we are in the midst of a bold restructuring program that has created a number of enticing advancement opportunities for new and existing employees. We are currently seeking applicants to fill dozens of recently vacated roles on Hezbollah's senior leadership team—including the secretary general position. Rest assured, the application process is a mere formality at this point given the 100 percent acceptance rate for new hires in the month of September. Motivated individuals are already being promoted at an unprecedented rate.