AOC Says How She Accidentally Glued Her Face To Her Coffee Table Is A Clear Failure Of Capitalism...

SATIRE ALERT!
Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the world’s smartest socialist, is always talking about the evils of capitalism. Now tragedy has struck her with what she sees as a clear failure of that economic system: She has accidentally super-glued her face to her coffee table.
“See what capitalism has done to me?!” Ocasio-Cortez told the press who had to meet her in her living room, since she couldn’t leave because a coffee table was glued to her head. “I had broken apart a vase I bought, to see if there was a prize inside — there wasn’t — and then I was trying to glue it back together. So I emptied a whole tube of Krazy Glue to prepare, but then I thought I heard my coffee table talking to me — like maybe I got superpowers where I’m able to understand the secret language of furniture, as I did get electrocuted by my toaster recently, and that sort of thing can give you superpowers. So I put my ear to the coffee table, but then I got stuck because of all the glue. And the coffee table wasn’t even talking — I had just dropped my phone underneath it. Capitalism has gotten me once again!”

Ocasio-Cortez then described how this was all because of capitalism, which drove her to buy a glue made way too strong, a vase with no secret prize in it, and a phone that she was constantly playing YouTube videos on and dropping. And now all those things conspired together to get her face stuck to her furniture.