Military to officially replace adequate sleep with energy drinks and Adderall

WASHINGTON — A RAND Corporation study has concluded that less sleep for military service members will equal more productivity. Despite the claims of scientist, doctors, and service members themselves that sleep is vital to success, the Department of Defense has labeled these claims as evidence of “weak genes.”

In the wake of the study, the military plans to increase energy drink consumption by 500 percent across all services and make Adderall, a popular pill used to increase focus, a more accessible alternative to normal nighttime rest.