Thoughts on my Navy Officer Motivational Statement?

Try not to be too savage, please. I followed the format provided by my recruiter and included the life events that he thought to be pertinent. Any suggestions on content and more would be greatly appreciated.

Navy Motivational Statement
I want to be a part of the world's greatest Navy and have the honor of serving as an officer for my country. My name is Patrick Glass, and I want to be a United States Naval Officer. After High School, I began my education by attending the University of Pittsburgh at Bradford, where I studied Criminal Justice and various Spanish and other related classes. During my time at Pitt-Bradford, I was the Vice-President of the Criminal Justice Club, Spanish Club, and Environmental Studies Club. I also ran various events regarding weight-lifting competitions in my spare time. I worked the work-study at the Pitt-Bradford Gym, maintaining equipment and helping people excel in their physical programs. Also, I completed and excelled in one year of Army ROTC.
During my summer before my senior year, I decided I was done waiting and wanted to be a part of something greater. I believed that serving time as enlisted personnel for my first contract could only make me a better officer done the road. Therefore, I enlisted June of 2014 in the Army National Guard as a 68W Combat Medic. I have always had the desire to help others, and being able to bring soldiers home, and possess the skills to save lives, and I could not think of a better job. I started drilling once a weekend and quickly excelled at the given tasks throughout each month to the point where I lead post-drill physical training sessions at the Pitt-Bradford gym for those having difficulty with their physical fitness testing. I was given this task by my drill sergeant at the time, Staff Sergeant Borowski, and helped maintain order amongst recruits. I took pride in the maturity I brought each weekend and made sure the young recruits by my side mirrored that. I understood the task at hand for these drills, prepare for basic training, and having maturity in a starting sense of discipline makes this much more efficient. However, the one aspect I seemed to lack in the first two years of college was a sense of educational discipline and obligation. In my last two years, I excelled further than I was starting, but still not to my standard that is present day. However, due to my new grades, I was allowed to travel to Tokyo, Japan, and learn Japanese culture on a full scholarship for two weeks before starting my senior year. I have always been interested in other cultures and international studies, and this trip taught me a lot.
Now I have not always been a physically fit person, not in the slightest. When I first walked into the recruiter's office, I was laughed out, and rightfully so. There I was, a disgraceful near 350-pound individual with a lack of physical and nutritional discipline. When I walked out of that office without even given the slightest chance to discuss my options, I made a change in my life that continues to this day. I was tired of being the heavy, slow, weak individual I was then. I went and bought every nutrition, training, and whatever mental resiliency book I could find after, and I got to work. Exactly one year later, I walked into the Military Entry Processing Station and weighed in at 189 pounds. To this day, I take pride in myself being physically fit and staying in shape. I stay up to date on all research regarding training and nutrition, and on my days off work, I can be found in a gym, track, trail, or lake for hours getting after it. Later in my college career, I competed in multiple powerlifting competitions, lifting double and sometimes triple my body weight while excelling through the Army APFT. Post-college, I took an interest in running, and continue to this day running various 5k and 10k races. My personal physical fitness goal is to one day compete at the highest level I can achieve in CrossFit and run my first marathon, hopefully leading to an ultra-race.
Currently, I work full-time for the City of Pittsburgh as an EMT. I wanted to help people and contribute back to my local community while going through the federal law-enforcement hiring process and obtaining my master's degree. During those two years, I completed all the testing. I was at the top of the hiring process for the Department of Homeland Security, Drug Enforcement Administration, and the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Lastly, in my FBI application, I was one of only a thousand applicants out of seventy-five thousand to make it to final interviews and be flown to Fort Lauderdale for the final test, and pass. However, I left the national guard dissatisfied with what I accomplished for my country and realized that the only way I will fill complete is going into active duty. One aspect of the military that helped me and has been the keystone in my success since graduating from the University of Pittsburgh is the level of discipline and work-ethic/drive I have acquired. I am the type of individual that does not know time or rest if given a task. When given a task that I know well, I will take as much time as I have to perfect that task and focus on it; if I do not, however, know or understand that task, I will build on my weaknesses and analyze until I am at the best I possibly can be. For example, while obtaining my master's degree, I worked approximately 60-70-hour workweeks full-time for the City of Pittsburgh.
In some cases, long and horrible shifts with shootings, car accidents, pediatric calls, all of these being back-to-back most days with no rest. Afterward, though, I knew it was time to work, and I would go to a local gas station since that would be the only place open, and study until I would at least get four hours of sleep. I knew the fluorescent lights would keep me awake, and that there would be very little distraction at these late hours. I committed that there was no excuse but to be my best, and I worked hard in this every day throughout the two years, eventually graduating at the top of my class. I know my work ethic and extreme sense of self-discipline would make me a great officer, and I would apply the same tactics and new ones I would learn in training to make myself a career officer who lives up to the Navy Standard and exceeds it. I also bring another aspect of my life to the table in that I am one of the calmest individuals when it comes to being under pressure. As a Combat Medic, we are trained to always be calm under extreme pressure and stress, that when everything is going wrong around us to be the eye of the storm and accomplish the mission with optimism. On October 27, 2018, a typical Saturday in Pittsburgh EMS took a turn for the worse in the early morning hours as I walked out of the hospital, clearing a call around 9:00 a.m. I hear my radio calling off through dispatch multiple units, including my own to an address in part of town for a mass-casualty incident. I step into the truck and look at the computer, and there it was, my partner and I were going to an Active Shooter Situation with multiple victims that was still in progress. My partner, who at the time was senior in the truck, looked at me and said, you are the combat medic, and I will follow you. We strapped on our vests and went on the call. Showing up on the street and still hearing shots in the background, we were one of the first scene units. My chief directed us to work and help evacuate patients coming out through what we call the chute. We went over to one of the streets by the building and started loading casualties, and at one point, took indirect fire and had to move around our truck. I cannot say much else about this day, as it is still an active investigation. I earned both the chiefs medal and merit medal for my actions that day. Also, I was recognized by the City of Pittsburgh and the President of the United States as being apart of the group of responders on the scene that day. I have been in the fire, and under the most extreme pressure, I believe one can be in life, and I remained calm, stuck to my training, and listened to my supervisors accordingly. I believe that this level of testing makes me unique when it comes to being an officer applicant. I am always the individual at work or in the military that can stay positive and focus on the mission, even on the worse of days.
Lastly, my grandfather served in the United States Navy as a Yeoman, great-god father (as I called him) served in the United States Army, both during World War 2. My grandfather, ever since I was old enough to understand, dreamed of me becoming a Naval Officer and would tell me fascinating stories of his life in the Navy. I made the promise to him shortly before he passed that I would work and do everything in my power to be an officer eventually, and I can only hope/dream that I would commission in the United States Navy to make him proud. During this application process, I have visited his memorial multiple times for mental guidance in becoming one of the most competitive applicants I could be. My mom's godfather was also a role model growing up for me when it came to resiliency and honor. This man had the type of military standing I could only dream of having someday; he was involved in multiple missions throughout World War 2, including jumping Airborne on D-Day. He finished his service after multiple purple hearts and more medals then I could put on this paper, beginning a successful business in the civilian world. Yes, I do not possess the work experience that some other applicants have, but I guarantee I have one thing that they do not. I want this more than anything in my life and would do anything to have the opportunity to prove that I can be a great officer in the United States Navy. Lastly, no other applicant can touch my work ethic or sense of discipline; I am the type that will stay up for hours working forgetting, about sleep, or training physically to the point of complete exhaustion. I am an individual that was raised never to know the words of quitting or the act of giving up. I will push through all adversity given to me in my training, and I will do everything to be my best.