Can a Warrant Officer or two critique my first summary paragraph for my application?

Throughout my military career I’ve shown my superiors that I am adaptive, and innovative,
tactically and technically competent in my skills as a Fire Support Specialist. My work ethic and
intrinsic motivation allow me to exceed expectations at every duty position I have held. As a
Private First Class I served in one grade above my own, and as a specialist I served in the
position of Sergeant while earning two Army Achievement Medals (AAM’s) for excellence and
out-performing my peers. Within the first month that I was in my secondary zone, my command
sent me to the Sergeant promotion board where I was a first time go. As soon as I was
promotable, I was entrusted with an NCO role and was promoted to Corporal. Additionally, upon
graduating the Basic Leaders Course, I made the Commandant’s List for having a Grade Point
Average in the top 5% of my class and by recommendation of my instructors for outstanding
performance. Once I was promoted to Sergeant, I Immediately filled the role of Fire Support
Sergeant, which is a billeted Staff Sergeant position. I have since earned two Army
Accommodation Medals (ARCOM’s) for my performance in said role. (Mention JFO)
I would now like to take on another challenging role and become an aviation Warrant
Officer, and use my drive and dedication to country to do my part in bettering the flight
community.”